Update on the update.

Well what a week I've had ! It's been just over a week since I set the day for my phone call to the NHS. For around 4 months now I've been chatting to some of my close friends about the possibility that I might transition. Since that night out in October where I was...let's be honest attacked for who I was I've felt super exposed. I've to make a choice about what I wanted to do with myself going forward. Am I happy to remain as I am? Essentially a guy who presented female when I can. Or was it time to start thinking about making the BIG decision.....

Am I going to transition?

I've gone back and forth on this for a while, and in all honestly I still am. I don't know 100% what I want to do and this changes each day. I knew I had to at least make the call and speak to someone about it. And right now if you were to ask me what I want to do then my heart is telling me that it's time I set the wheels in motion to transtion.

Omg ! Whaaaaaa? Really?

In a word, yeah. Like right at this moment, taking in account everything that's been happening to me over the last year I want to transition.

So what has changed? It wasn't so long back that I was totally ok with being genderfluid. And yeah for a while it was working quite well. It gave me a safety net to express my gender and to retreat back to my masculine side when it was difficult to present female, even if I wanted to or not. The more I've been open about this however the more I'm beginning to think that it really isn't right for me, or at least the way I am right now looking/presenting male 90% of the time. I'm going to use the D word right now....it was making me feel dysphoric.I've been increasingly more uncomfortable with people using male pronouns when referring to me, hell I down right despise people using my male name these days. It feels like it ain't me and my inability to express that is affecting my life quite a lot.

This ain't the first time I've considered transitioning, when I was first starting University (approx 2007) I thought a fresh start would enable me to make this big change in my life. I decided not to and that decision has haunted me a little. I think I mentioned in an earlier blog that frustration has led me to hit out at people quite a lot and that's something I'm not proud of. So now I want to at least give this some serious consideration with a medical professional. You know what though? When I am presenting as Charlotte. I feel calm, I feel at ease with myself and my surroundings. I don't feel like I have to pretend.

This is like the first time though that I've ever really talked about dysphoria on this page. I usually keep it out of my vocabulary here because I didn't even realise I felt that way. That kind of changed as I said earlier on that night out at the end of October. My gender identity being ripped from me by some ass hole on a dance floor really cut me deep and that sudden, unwanted shift in my identity hurt. I hated that person but more than that I hated myself. I hated how I felt and how I looked. Not how I looked then at that moment but afterwards. Ever since then I've been trying to gear up for this appointment with the doctors and well...now I've done it.

Where do I see this going then? Do I want to eventually up having HRT? GRS? Am I going to tell my family? What about work? Well right now the plan is to get referred to whatever clinic a girl from the valleys gets to go. Hopefully with more time I will be able to make an informed decision. If you were to ask me right now though I'd say I want to start HRT. I want to do all the legal mumbo jumbo and change my gender on my driving license (haha). I want to start living my life not as two genders and not as a man. I want to live my life as Charlotte.

Let's see though yeah?