Hello, my name is Charlotte

Let's get some stuff out the way first.

This week I spent a lovely time down in Bournemouth. I'm currently off from work and wanted to do something with my time other than sit in my room playing Bloodborne (Bloodbournemouth?) so I was like yeah let's go somewhere new and explore. There was also a secret agenda behind going somewhere new.

I wanted to get some 'real life experience' as a trans person

It was sunny and I hated it

Wait, what? There's so many things off about that statement. First of all going to a seaside town for a week isn't exactly the best real life experience you can get. It's not my local pub or a bus in the valleys so it's not a real representation of what my life is currently like. Secondly even if I didn't always present female I am still in peoples minds trans.To me though I've never felt that, not having the strength to present full time has always made me feel like I'm not being true to myself or that I'm having my cake and eating it. I've been compromising my own happiness for the sake of other peoples feelings. I've had conversations with members of my immediate and not so immediate family and it's always been the same sort of message. "You be you but I'm not sure if I can be there". That's meant that for the last year since coming to a decision to look at my options that I've held back, made excuses as to why I'm taking forever with things and potentially harming myself hidden behind a thin veil of "I'm doing it my way".

Well, I'm not going to do it any more.

This week has taught me one thing. I'm not male, sure I may seem masculine with some of my mannerisms (More on that in a moment) but that isn't me. I'm trans. There I've said it. I'm fucking transgender

I'M TRANS AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE!

£5 for the person who knows which film I butchered that quote from.

Oh my word Charl slow down, breathe for god's sake.

Right let's try and be a little more clear.

I'm trans. After all this time forcing barriers between me and the word I can finally come to terms with it. This probably sounds really confusing to the casual readers of my page because you know, I've never pretended to not be trans. But I've never been able to admit it to myself if that makes sense and because of that I've let some really big decisions pass me by

This week has changed all of that, yeah I had an amazingly positive experience and I am in no way expecting that to be the norm, nor do I think that the path from here will be easier but.......

I'm going to go full time

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH ! Omg I know right ?!?! Me, the laziest blogger in the world. The one who has made up all the excuses in the world to why she shouldn't go full time has had enough. I've had enough of being seen as male. I've had enough of feeling like I'm being a weekend trans person. It's tiring and although the alternative path is scary I just can't continue what I'm doing. Which leads me onto the second part. After weighing up the options I'm.....

Going to transition

Sod it yeh? Let's just do it. No that sounds terribly spontaneous of me but yeah it's what needs to happen. This week I've been myself for the first time my entire life. No compromises, no excuses. I'm a trans woman.

So have that GP !

In all honestly what she said to me a few weeks back has in some round about way made things a lot clearer for, after she told me I was in her opinion 'very masculine in appearance and mannerisms' it really knocked me down,. I think most of my regular readers know how much that got to me. But again being out this week, exposed to the world with my big leather jackets and masculine swagger (Some say I walk like a Staffordshire bull terrier) I felt fine, I wasn't some compromised version of myself. I'm going to own it. 

Coming back home I've felt incredibly empowered, I don't know where to go from here. I'm running blind into the unknown where things can either go amazing or terrible, I do however have some incredible trans friends who have helped me through this last year. Sorry for having to put up with my constant questions and lack of decision making folks, it's been a long road but I think I'm there. So I'm going to say it again.

Hello, my name is Charlotte.