Transition Transmission : May

It's nice to post something positive for a change.

Hi folks ! I know it's the middle of the month an all but I thought this might be a good time to talk about my appointment yesterday. It's not super interesting but if it helps one person then I've done my job I guess.

So as you're aware, in order to get a referral my GP pushed me through the local mental health team, it was frustrating but I played ball and in some ways I'm glad I did. It's felt quite lonely doing all this recently, I know I have some amazing support online but human interaction is incredibly important to me and not being open to my family has made things feel quite isolated. 

I didn't know what to expect with this appointment, I thought maybe the person who saw me would try and pry into every aspect of my life, I thought Freud had somehow come back from the dead and was ready to tell me my dysphoria was because I tied my left shoe first. It was honestly quite frightening, after my last experience with my GP I was worried things would go wrong again, but in reality things couldn't in my opinion have gone better.

From the very off when I told her about my desire to transition she began using female pronouns. For a bunch of annoying medical reasons we had to fill everything in with Mr's and Him's but 'unofficially' I was female. This is the first time I've ever experienced this, and it was amazing ! Like I can't even put into words how nice it was for someone to actually use correct pronouns and things. I've had a bit of an uphill battle with terms in my friend circles, there are about 4 or 5 close friends who instantly switched to Charlotte etc but there are still one or two that need constant reminding that my dead name is no longer in use. Actually I call them friends but I've kind of stopped speaking to them because of it. If they can't respect my name then I can't continue our friendship but I digress.

She told me I had essentially the 20 minutes to talk about myself and she would not pry into things if I didn't want to. I was kind of ok with questions as I'm still finding it hard to get my head around the "I'm transitioning" stuff. Saying it now still feels weird for some reason so having someone ask questions about my life helped a lot. I went through the usual thing, known for years and wanted to begin down the pathway. There was one or two awkward questions about my sexuality however I was more prepared this time. Then she said something that initially made my heart sink but it was actually kind of great to hear. After saying this is what I want to do, it's not a phase or me trying to be different. I've not wanted anything more in my entire life and I'd fight to get it she said.

"Well there isn't much I can do to help"

I was taken back at first. What do you mean you can't help me? I need help. I was readying my emotional speech about how this is going to save me when she said.

"That came out wrong, what I mean to say is you don't need me to help you".

She then went on to explain that from the initial assessment I seemed like a determined young woman, I know what I wanted and no amount of counseling would confirm anything. She did offer a course of sessions if I wanted to make sure this is the path I wanted but instantly said that she doesn't feel I need it. What I needed is support to get to the next stage. In her words someone to fight in my corner to push for this. That's when she offered to push this forward and get the referral sorted.

I had to physically stop myself from diving over the desk to hug her, finally after all this time here's someone with actual clout who believes me. Who treated me as I wanted to be treated. Someone who has said in as many words "You are trans".

We spoke a little more about the dangers of publicly coming out, how I could get support from groups with things like coming out, with work and what have you. I was jumping with excitement while speaking to her, I don't think in 27 years I've ever felt as happy as that one moment.

Before leaving she said something which will stick with me forever.

"If you are a woman let nothing stop you, go for it girl"

I've not been able to stop smiling since, I am kind of weary of people who work in these sorts of fields. Like is she only asking for my skin care routine because she is interested or is it just a way to make me feel comfortable. Either way I was happy and if more people want to give me compliments then that's fine (HINT HINT CLOSE FRIENDS :P )

So that's where I am now. Waiting for my next referral appointment thing where hopefully everything will be sorted. Now it may seem like I'm taking things slow, which I am but I have a plan. Once I know my details are sent off then I'm going to start pushing for private treatment. I've been saving for a while and can at least support myself while doing this. Then it's the next big part, telling my family.

Honestly after what she said I could have gone home to tell people, I don't feel ready yet though. I want the coming out to my transition stage to run smoothly, that's why I'm slowly bringing it up in conversations. For my friends who don't know I'm introducing them slowly and for work I'm trying out a whole new wardrobe. I'll still probably continue to wear my hair in pictures until it's grown to a length that makes me feel confident but I don't want to be wearing it when I come out.

And that's basically it. I'd like to ride this wave of positive and post nice things for a while, let's see how that goes.

Charlie xx

Transition Transmission: April

I want this picture to define me.

Hey folks ! Hope y'all are a-ok :).

I've been thinking about what I could do to ensure a stream of updates here on my blog, and since I decided at the start of this month to transition a series of monthly updates might be a good way to fill that gap. So here goes, let me know what you think yeah?

What's changed since the last time I posted then? Well not much in terms in regards to getting appointments and stuff, in fact that has regressed but I'll go into that in a moment. What I've mostly been doing is research and planning. I'm terrible for planning, as in I like to think I can plan stuff but in actual fact I end up not following through or I making a mess of things. This is a huge step however and I felt it would be best if I came up with some realistic goals for myself in the next year. Who knows when I will get my first appointment in whatever GIC they decide to send me to so in the meantime it would be good to look at all the options.

First the bad news, my local health team have made a couple of blunders in regards to my referral which has kind of halted things in many ways. As you know the system here in Wales can be a little fiddly and backwards, sending people to things like 'specialist teams' and that before they refer you. Well anyway I was supposed to wait for an appointment date according to my GP. I received a letter saying that my referral had been sent but I'd not heard any more, this week I had another letter saying my referral had been dropped because I hadn't contacted them in time. This means that if I can't sort things out this week I may have to go back and start the whole process again. Taking up another 3 months of my time on top of the million billion trillion years it takes to even get a date for a GIC appointment. So yeah things are kind of annoying on that front. It wont stop me obviously, I have a nice day off now in which I can call up and kick butt, I will admit that on first receiving the letter I felt super deflated but it won't deter me.

This has led me down another path though with support from my friends. I've been researching into the possibility of going private, this is kind of a huge step and somewhat of a risk financially. I have money saved up however right now it's tied up in trying to look for a new place to live, car stuff and general in case of emergency money. Right now my finances seem like a vast web of bits and pieces that need to be brought together, something I'm working on now. I don't want to commit to anything while I feel this insecure about where my money will be coming from in a few months but rest assured I am looking into it. If I know I am somewhat secure 6 months down the line I'd have saved enough money to sort out all the initial stuff and have enough to worry about insuring my car etc. It doesn't help knowing that I might be out of work in 6 weeks (I'll blame it on the Government for a laugh) so that is taking up a decent chunk of my time. I'm kind of terrible with money but when it comes to big things like this I am quite conservative. Ewwww I said conservative, I feel ill.

Next up I've been giving myself sleepless nights thinking about how and when I'm going to come out proper. Like not just "Oh I am trans" but "Oh I'm transitioning LOL". Yeah transitioning is a personal thing but I know that people need time to adjust etc. I started last weekend by speaking to someone I know is 100% behind me, my brother. Admittedly it wasn't the best environment to tell them, basically the smoking area outside a metal bar but it just slipped out. I was worried that it would make things awkward but it really it  hasn't. I spoke about the process, the challenges ahead and my general fears about coming out right now in a valleys town where people are still fascinated by the only gay in the village, I'm not even joking. I know people who think there is only one gay man living in my town. NOT EVEN JOKING. He asked me to talk though all the people that I am worried about telling, members of the family, friends, work colleagues and we worked through each one together. How best to tell people and what I should do if things don't go well. Obviously we don't know how people react so anything we said could turn out wrong but it did give me that confidence to tell everyone.

That's kind of where I am right now, baby steps Williams I should be called. I knew it would be though, I didn't want to jump in with both feet, I want to test the waters. Find a nice part of the pool before diving in. Check me out with the swimming metaphors

Yeah so should I do more of these ? Even if next month it goes as far as "Yeah phoned a doctor and they said a thing". Be nice to keep people in the loop a little and show that I'm not always sitting on my bum playing Dark Souls.......that's just most of the time.

Charlie xx

2016 Q&A

Ahoy hoy !
2016's Q&A is a GO !

Hello, my name is Charlotte

Let's get some stuff out the way first.

This week I spent a lovely time down in Bournemouth. I'm currently off from work and wanted to do something with my time other than sit in my room playing Bloodborne (Bloodbournemouth?) so I was like yeah let's go somewhere new and explore. There was also a secret agenda behind going somewhere new.

I wanted to get some 'real life experience' as a trans person

It was sunny and I hated it

Wait, what? There's so many things off about that statement. First of all going to a seaside town for a week isn't exactly the best real life experience you can get. It's not my local pub or a bus in the valleys so it's not a real representation of what my life is currently like. Secondly even if I didn't always present female I am still in peoples minds trans.To me though I've never felt that, not having the strength to present full time has always made me feel like I'm not being true to myself or that I'm having my cake and eating it. I've been compromising my own happiness for the sake of other peoples feelings. I've had conversations with members of my immediate and not so immediate family and it's always been the same sort of message. "You be you but I'm not sure if I can be there". That's meant that for the last year since coming to a decision to look at my options that I've held back, made excuses as to why I'm taking forever with things and potentially harming myself hidden behind a thin veil of "I'm doing it my way".

Well, I'm not going to do it any more.

This week has taught me one thing. I'm not male, sure I may seem masculine with some of my mannerisms (More on that in a moment) but that isn't me. I'm trans. There I've said it. I'm fucking transgender

I'M TRANS AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE!

£5 for the person who knows which film I butchered that quote from.

Oh my word Charl slow down, breathe for god's sake.

Right let's try and be a little more clear.

I'm trans. After all this time forcing barriers between me and the word I can finally come to terms with it. This probably sounds really confusing to the casual readers of my page because you know, I've never pretended to not be trans. But I've never been able to admit it to myself if that makes sense and because of that I've let some really big decisions pass me by

This week has changed all of that, yeah I had an amazingly positive experience and I am in no way expecting that to be the norm, nor do I think that the path from here will be easier but.......

I'm going to go full time

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH ! Omg I know right ?!?! Me, the laziest blogger in the world. The one who has made up all the excuses in the world to why she shouldn't go full time has had enough. I've had enough of being seen as male. I've had enough of feeling like I'm being a weekend trans person. It's tiring and although the alternative path is scary I just can't continue what I'm doing. Which leads me onto the second part. After weighing up the options I'm.....

Going to transition

Sod it yeh? Let's just do it. No that sounds terribly spontaneous of me but yeah it's what needs to happen. This week I've been myself for the first time my entire life. No compromises, no excuses. I'm a trans woman.

So have that GP !

In all honestly what she said to me a few weeks back has in some round about way made things a lot clearer for, after she told me I was in her opinion 'very masculine in appearance and mannerisms' it really knocked me down,. I think most of my regular readers know how much that got to me. But again being out this week, exposed to the world with my big leather jackets and masculine swagger (Some say I walk like a Staffordshire bull terrier) I felt fine, I wasn't some compromised version of myself. I'm going to own it. 

Coming back home I've felt incredibly empowered, I don't know where to go from here. I'm running blind into the unknown where things can either go amazing or terrible, I do however have some incredible trans friends who have helped me through this last year. Sorry for having to put up with my constant questions and lack of decision making folks, it's been a long road but I think I'm there. So I'm going to say it again.

Hello, my name is Charlotte.

2016 Q&A

Right then you little devils listen up !

Last year I did a  Q&A video on my youtube channel to help break the ice. Although my channel had just started and my blog was quite small I still had a decent number of interesting questions. I spoke about shoes, sexuality and what politician I'd like to drop into a vat of 90's kids TV show gunge.

It was lots of fun and still one of my fav videos from last year. Soooo with that in mind....

Let's do it all again !

I'm going to be away on the 29th and 30th of March down in sunny Bournemouth, the perfect opportunity for me to answer some of your questions in a cool new environment. What do I need from you then ?

Some questions of course.

Now last year I kept this really open, I let people ask me absolutely anything. I didn't want it to be specifically about trans stuff, it worked really well so I'm going to do it again. This is your one chance (Until 2017) to ask me absolutely anything. If you want to know my shoe size, then ask. If you want to know my thoughts on the Ghostbusters trailer,go ahead. If you want to know my feelings on the sociopolitical landscape of a post Trump America....actually don't ask me that BUT anything is basically fine.

Within reason obviously

This isn't going to be a LOL LET'S LAUGH ALONG AT TERRIBLE COMMENTS thing. Nor will I be answering some stuff may be overly personal, what do I mean by that? Well I'd like to think my audience could work that out. But yeah basically anything. Whatever you want to ask.

I'll be taking questions up until Tuesday March 29th, after that you will need to wait an entire year to ask me what my favourite Elvis Presley song is.

You can leave a comment here (with your name if you want).
Or you can email me charlotterosewilliams1989@gmail.com
Facebook if you have my profile
Or tweet me @CharlotteWTalk

Great stuff ! I hope to hear from y'all soon.

Charlie

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right

B, A, aaannndd START

I've realised something recently, since I started taking steps to transition I can't shake the feeling that I'm lying to people....

Let me explain.....


As regular readers are aware, there are still a good few people that don't know I'm trans. I still present male around those people and as far as they are concerned there's no reason to doubt that. This goes for some close members of my family, my work place and friends. My decision to hold off on telling people is based on a few things, fear of loosing people and the worry of getting the sack among other things. This used to be really unbearable however I found some sort of sanctuary writing my feelings down on here. It's been a fantastic way for me to let loose and tell people what I'm currently doing. I'd say this blog has saved me I.E Charlotte in ways I couldn't even begin to describe. It has however caused some really weird conflict in my mind.

As this blog has grown I've made more of an effort to present female in public, I've posted about them a few times and this is something that's going to continue (I'm in Bournemouth in a few weeks being all super cool Charlie). But I've found that as I've made these decisions without the backing of those people mentioned above I...urm...how can I best put this.

Well yeah basically, it feels like I'm cheating....

(This is the point you realise the reference in the blog title and laugh) 

For example.....

I'm getting to that age now where people expect certain things, you know starting a family, moving in somewhere and start focusing on my career with this assumption that I'll be doing those things as a male, but if it's one thing we have all learned (well you lot have figured it out I'm still in this odd denial) it's that it ain't me.

I'm bloody trans for pity's sake

The longer I go without telling people the longer I feel like I have to keep up this weird charade, the nodding in agreement with people when they suggest places to move to all the while knowing that I want my life to go in this totally other direction. And it's making me feel like a terrible person. Every single time someone mentions 'my future' I feel like I'm stabbing people in the back or that I'm being unfaithful to those closest to me.

It's not just those people who see me daily that I feel like I'm lying to. I love the fact that on here, everyone knows my as Charlotte. That fool with the fringe and a wardrobe consisting of only black clothes. It's awesome that nobody will ever misgender me or ask for my male name. It's not always how I appear though issit and if I blog while presenting "Male" (in physical terms) or write some really clever tweet it sometimes feels like it's someone else doing the writing, or that my opinions should only really count if I was 100% out and out trans.

It's kind of making me feel a bit awful.

And I know I can just get out of this. I can have the life I want and still progress in my career, settle down with someone who cares and do this thing they call 'being an adult'. The life I want and the life I have right now are basically the same just with a few changes. Well one change. To stop being seen as a male and for people to see me as I am.

I usually like to end my blogs with some sort of positive answer or a plan to move forward. In this situation though honestly I have nothing, I just wanted to put something down here and get it off my chest.

Catch up on my transition stuff. I've yet to hear back from the GP and have been stuck under a pile of paperwork (and my own fear) to chase it up. The plan is to give em a ring next week to see what's happening.

Charlie xx

Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau

This is the one where I go on about transitioning in Wales.....

Right so it's been a few weeks since that first appointment and in that time I've been to another, last week as a matter of fact. In that first meeting I was kind of hoping the process would get explained to me a little more and how I go from where I am now to the GIC path. The relative newness of this whole thing however meant my GP had to do some digging. And it's kind of 'eeehhh' news (I'm assuming your all going to do that sound in your head and somehow it will make sense)

The second appointment was a far cry from the first. My doctor is still the same person as they ever were, that hasn't changed. Instead the content and intensity of what I've been asked and how it made me feel has changed. After the initial appointment it felt like a great weight had been lifted off my mind. I'd finally told someone how I was feeling outside a circle of friends and better still, this person was in a position to actually help me. From the outset of the second appointment however I kind of got the feeling that things were going to be an uphill struggle.

The same questions remained, sexual partners, sexuality, how long have I felt this way blah blah however instead of there being a caring ear at the end of my answers, it felt more like I was being tested. Like these questions, however irrelevant in my mind to transitioning were being used to grade how suitable I was to get referred.

And it hit me, this is how it's going to be isn't it? The questions, the accusations, the miscommunication. I'm on the path and this is where the real fight starts. I'd prepared myself for this, I knew that whatever I said would be met with a set of tick boxes, cross referenced to that time 10 years ago I dressed as a nurse in university for fancy dress. There was one thing I was not prepared for.

After the long speech about how it will mean I wont be able to get it up any more (or something along those lines) she made an assessment, not that she had to but all the same she made her opinion clear.

"Judging by how you sound and your mannerisms. I think you are more like a boy".

There it is, the cause of a fortnight of self loathing and anger. Someone, who I thought would be open to listen to me. To never judge a book by its cover. Would take a quick glance at me and essentially say I was too much like a boy.

Fuck that noise !

I mean, who the hell goes and says that to someone who is in this position. Someone who has struggled immensely over the last few years to even get to this first point. This initial meeting has been 5 years in the making and now. On the verge of making a decision was brushed off with an off hand comment about the fact I may not have shaved in like 2 days.

What the fuck does that even mean? Too much like a boy? What!?! I just don't understand what that even means as a concept. What is too much boy? Too much girl? So they expect to just roll up in a pink dress and heals saying I cry my makeup off every night as I hide my bleached blonde wig one last time? Is that what they want?

Because they ain't getting it.

I used to think that's how it was supposed to be. I had to wear the nice dresses and the cute clothes. But that was when I was like 16. Not 27 and in that time I've shrugged many elements of 'stereotypical femininity' and found a way to present my punk/rock style in a comfortable manner. She wasn't having it though.

I kind of left my appointment in a daze. I still don't know which way to progress now. I was told something about waiting for a mental health gatekeeper but I've yet to hear a single thing from them.

I was feeling quite crappy about the situation however I was ready to keep fighting. To find the next step and go from there. That was until I was made fully aware of the transition process here in Wales.

Before I continue I should stress I am quite a proud Welsh girl. I am incredibly proud of where I'm from, warts an all. I love the fact we have our own language and customs which still remain despite years of rule from across the river. We are a land of song and dance which nobody can take from us.........but out NHS can be a little bit toss.

So to make you all aware, and bare in mind I'm still super new so this could be totally wrong. But the steps to get referred to a GIC is still years behind our British counterparts. It's around a 5 step process with gatekeepers along the way. The process doesn't work in a trans persons favour and it can in my opinion put people in danger.

One of the things my GP picked up on was me not being full time just yet, for family and work reasons I am yet to make that leap just yet. I work on a term basis and consistency is key so to rock up one day in my makeup could really cause problems without significant forewarning. If they had their way however I'd have to start like right now despite being far from ready to do it.

It's honestly kind of got me in a slump, I've kind of reeled away from trans related discussions and even thinking about what I'm going to do scares me to such an extend it makes me ill. My life is still going on around me too, family plans, work progressing nicely. All the while I'm still stuck in the same mindset I've had since I was small.

I need to be a girl.

SOOOOOOO, that's why I've been away for the last fortnight. Why friends have had to deal with me shouting at them and using them as virtual shoulders to cry on. Why I've pushed transitioning to the back of my mind in the hope that it can be consumed by a false desire to just be a cis person.

But I'm not. I'm fucking trans, and the sooner I can accept that the quicker I can make real progress.

Honestly any sort of advice would be amazing right now. Thanks already to my friends who have text me, sent me contact details of people who may be able to help and when it comes down to it, been there for me. I don't deserve friends as good as you lot (You know who you are !) and I hope that I haven't annoyed people in the last few weeks.

To help with this process I've taken on a new hobby. POETRY ! It started in the middle of last week while I was toying with some simple ABAB rhyming structures. Since then I've started to work on something more serious that I hope to present to you soon, So while you wait I'd just like to say thank you for all your amazing advice recently y'all !

Charlie xxx

Babies first appointment

After months of planning and thinking I finally had my first doctors appointment this week, I've had a few questions about what happened so instead of telling people individually I've decided to put it down here.

My appointment was on Tuesday (Feb 2nd) at 8:40am. The first hurdle I had to get over was finding a way to leave the house early in the morning without too many questions from family. I don't work on Tuesday's so I couldn't exactly pretend I was off. I do however have the uncanny ability to bullshit my way out of any situation. The night before I accidentally discovered I needed a pile of supplies for my work from town and that I wanted to go in early so I'd have the full day. This worked with minimal fuss and well, as much as I find my ability to dodge questions quite amazing it isn't really how things should be. I should be open and say what I'm doing, but for the time being let's just continue to evade a little longer.

Now here's a little fact about me. I've not been to the doctors in around a decade, I just don't visit for any reason. I could be falling apart and have 3 minutes to live and I'd still be afraid to make an appointment....mostly because the NHS wait times are longer than 3 minutes, but mostly I hate the thought that people don't believe me when I say something (Judging by my question evading superpower this makes things kind of weird). So it was a big thing going to talk about this to my GP, I felt like I had to in some way, even at this early stage convince them that I needed to transition.

The appointment itself went as expected, I was told by my friends that in a lot of cases GP's will know the basic terminology but are in no way remotely able to find the right path at that first appointment and this was the case with me. I'd gone through it in my head thousands of times in the days leading up, what I wanted to say and how I was going to say it. I didn't want to give my GP any chance to sway me or suggest alternative paths, I wanted to get referred and that's what I was going to do.

Well the best laid plans and all that, I kind of totally forgot what I wanted to say as soon as I sat down. Starting with a joke about "this ain't the kind of thing you hear at half 8 in the morning" perhaps wasn't the greatest start but after fortunately my GP put my at ease. She is actually super cool and was really open to what I was saying.

So what did I say? I told her (as best as I could) that I'd felt like this for years and I wanted to get referred to the GIC. That it was getting increasingly difficult to present as male and I wanted to get the ball rolling before I reached my 30's and settled down more. I was warned by a few trans folks not to go to deep into terms and keep it really simple. This worked really well as she wasn't totally up on different terms and the like. She asked questions about my sexual orientation and some physical things but other than that it was focused on getting me the support I needed. She asked if I wanted to see any physical changes and that if I needed to was I going to change my name etc. Now I'm sure we all have different experiences with GP's and I bet there's someone ready in the comments to talk about if she said the right or wrong things but all that matters is that she listened. For the first time I could speak to someone outside my friends or family about what I wanted and I feel that I was treated with respect.

She did ask if I had told any of my friends and how I was going to go about it. We chatted for a while about how I was going to do that and she came up with some suggestions which was super nice of her. Despite her lack of understanding about what to do in this situation she was at least open to listening to me. However because of the newness of this situation she wasn't totally able to help at this first meeting, I was told that I'd get a call in about 2 weeks to come back in once she read up on the process.

Now my current situation

Just 2 days later I've been given a second appointment for the 15th of Feb ! From the brief chat we had on the phone we are going to at this meeting get my application off for referral and to speak with someone who may have more experience with this sort of stuff. What I found kind of interesting was the apology she gave for using my current name after I mentioned in the previous meeting I was going to (eventually) change it. We may complain about our GP's but there's still so many who care, even if they don't have the answers straight away.

So where am I now with my transition? I've not really changed much since my last blog, I still feel like transitioning is right for me and that it was probably always an inevitable thing. But (and although I use the term a lot) I'm finding it super difficult to say "Look I'm trans". This may sound super odd to some of my readers I'm sure but I've always been able to hide behind my masculinity, even if that was sometimes a source of pain. The thought that I may actually be just a trans woman, is a scary and exciting thing to me. But aaaahhh shuuutttt it Charlotte that's going to be another blog next week :P.

February 2nd at 8:40

Yesterday I tweeted everyone to say I had a secret phone call to make, and now I've done so I wanted to reveal to y'all what that was. It's nothing earth shattering but you know......well.....

I just booked an appointment with my GP to discuss transitioning.

February 2nd at 8:40 in the morning !

I mean....I have no idea what I'm going to say or do. I know this is just the first tiny hurdle in an uphill battle. Even now just 5 minutes after making the call I feel like my future is far more uncertain than ever. But the more I sit and think the more I feel like this is the right path for me to take. So let's see what will happen in 2 weeks. On February 2nd at 8:40 in the morning.

I can barely get up before 11 so this should be fun.

2015 Review : June - October

Even during a summer break I can't crack a smile.

JUNE

Probably my least favourite month of this year. I only posted about 3 blogs throughout the summer and they were quite controversial. Although my blog on Facebook's use of the pride flag was incredibly popular (The highest page views out of any of my posts) I remember June mostly for this....

http://transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/06/6-month-update.html

Not much to say about this one, just lots of juicy stories for you to sink your teeth into surrounding a night out in Bristol and my first real taste of twitter trolls.

JULY

I took the summer off to work on some other projects (which are still coming) so there's only one thing I can post here, it's part one of my coming out vlog...

http://transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/coming-out.html

I'm amazed looking back how far I feel I've come since then, it makes me excited and nervous to see what the next 6 months will bring.

AUGUST

I did nothing in August. Too busy sleeping and working, pretend I wrote some amazing expose' on the Government or something

SEPTEMBER

I only wrote one real piece in September. It's all about representation of trans people in the media. Mostly how the media portrays trans lives and some ways in which we can move in a positive direction.....

http://transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/representation.html

I quite like this piece, it's something I feel could be expanded a little more in a vlog or some form of group chat, but as a small off the cuff thing I'm ok with it.

OCTOBER

October was going to be my month of genderfluid stuff. While I had some big plans for it I have been hit with more responsibilities at work making my blog writing time significantly less. I did however put together this little piece....

http://transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/an-open-letter-to-my-man.html

One of the things I find when speaking to people who I.D as GF, especially those who are not open about it is the sense of feeling torn. This can lead to resentment and anger towards ones self , something that I've experienced quite a few times in my life. Since writing this piece I feel I have a much clearer image of where I'm going and what I need to do.

So that's June to October. This was possibly the difficult period for my blog but I take every opportunity as a chance to learn something new. Come back on Monday for the last two months and some final thoughts

Look how happy I am

2015 Review : Jan - May

I took this pic at the start of the new year.

Here we are then, another year over with ! I was going to write a big piece on what I've done in the last year but since writing this blog most of what I've done is here already. So instead what I've decided to do is trawl through my posts and pick one from each month that has best represented that point in my life. Sit back and reminisce at the last 12 months with me.

Warning before we start. In the last year my opinions have changed as I've spent more time talking to trans folk and educating myself. None of us are 100% right so although I don't regret anything I've posted here some of my thoughts may have changed. With that in mind let's begin


JANUARY
At the start of 2015 I made the decision to explore who I was in more detail. Starting with a discussion on my gender and where I fit in. But the post that I remember most from is this....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/a-whole-lotta-woman.html

A year on I still have no idea what they meant by 'being more fem', nor do I get why that's important. Looking back I can see how I began to criticise how people perceive the community.

FEBRUARY
February was special as it was a whole year since I listened to the incredible Against Me! album Transgender Dysphoria Blues for the first time. That album really spoke to me and made me think about my own identity. However a year on I still had problems trying to work out who I was....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/leading-double-life.html

P.S If you haven't looked at my friends book blog then do so. She is such an amazing person and I can't imagine where I'd be without her.

Sorry Leah :P

MARCH
March was really big when it came to the growth of my blog. I'd been toying with the idea for a while of starting my own vlog & in this month I took the plunge. Vlogging is kind of the center of everything I do now and I've seen my page grow tenfold since then. For me however March was all about this....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/termsandconditionsapply.html

This came on the back of abuse my friend had for using the term woman without 'trans' prefacing that. While I could have worded myself a little better (I had the writing ability of a 5 year old) I still agree that people have the right to call themselves what makes them most comfortable.

APRIL
Oh April ! Where I took another dig at the term 'passing' and started using Twitter to make friends with more trans folk. Instead of something more serious though for April, the thing I remember most was my Q&A.....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/transpotting-q-session.html

I'd love to do one of these again in the new year. Perhaps focused on a specific topic or another general AMA. April was also the month where I ditched the hair and went for something a little different.

MAY
The month I reviewed the excellent Mad Max : Fury Road, justified why I take so many pictures and where I opened up in two very special vlogs. The one was for International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia, the one I want to post here though was something real serious....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/vlog-bullying-bandits-and-bad-times.html

This one was really hard for me to put out there. On the one hand I didn't want to land people in crap for stuff that may have happened a long time ago, then again why should people get away with being terrible individuals. In hindsight I'm glad I posted this piece as it has helped me in some ways forgive those people for their actions. Don't get me wrong I'll never speak to them again, but I don't hate them anymore which is I guess a small victory.

So that's January to May of 2015. Check back in a few days for June to October !

End of May Selfie

Transition Transmission

You get it? It's because I'm stepping up a gear HAHAHA ! Today I chat about transitioning and a little bit about South Wales

Coming Out Pt 2

Off the cuff discussion about some of my experiences being closeted.

Happy Birthday Transpotting!

Well, here we are then. An entire year of this stuff. 52 weeks of constant unfiltered emotions, a roller coaster of feelings laid bare onto the screen for you to read.

What I'm trying to say is happy birthday Transpotting !

And what a year it has been. Last year I expected to write short posts here and there with a tiny readership but it's become much more than that. It's been a lifeline to the outside world and a chance for me to push myself further. I wouldn't have thought even at this time last year I would have started presenting as female in public, the idea was so far off in my mind but writing here has given me the confidence to be myself. I've attempted to be far more active in the trans circles too, since starting this page I've come into contact with some absolutely amazing individuals who help me day in day out. This page started as a way for me to vent my feelings, for a long time I thought I was the only person who identified this way but I now know that I'm not alone. And I hope in some way this blog has made others feel the same. It's become more than just a personal diary of sorts. A few years back I was totally unaware of this vast and exciting group of trans men and women kicking all sorts of butt online. More than anything though I've done something I never expected I would do. I started a vlog. I've put not only my face out there but now you can hear me, you can listen to my rather weird accent go on about feelings and stuff.

It's not all been sunshine and rainbows though. Being public with these sorts of details does open you up to a decent amount of abuse from a minority of small minded individuals. I've faced enough vile talk to last me a life time, this isn't about them though. This is our day !

I want to thank you all for the kind words of support this year. When when things get to me as they often do the odd comment here cheers me up greatly. Or when someone sends me a personal message saying how my words helped them through a difficult situation well, that makes it all worth it. I wish I could thank all of you individually, I wish I could throw a huge party and bring all of my visitors over for cake and cider, although I'd need a lot of cider :P

So. Grab the closest drink to hand and join me in a toast. Happy one year Transpotting. Here's  to many more :D

Charlotte xxx

Grab your hair you've pulled

[TW - Transphobia, assault]

Despite feeling like I've aged about 30 years recently (thanks work) I still love going out on the weekend, I'm not a huge 'clubbing' person although I have found a few relatively inclusive bars and clubs that have kept me kind of safe since I started publicly presenting as female.

That kind of changed this weekend.

What happened may not sound on the outset like a particularly scary or new thing. Most of the people I've spoken to have experienced the same and in most cases far worse than what I've had. I don't want this to sound like a woe is me section when there are events that happen almost daily to trans people which eclipse this, after giving it some thought however I feel it's important to get this story out there. Even the smallest of incidents can have a profound effect on the rest of your life.

Anyway as you know this Saturday was Halloween, now this is probably my favourite annual event/day. Some people love Christmas, others love birthdays. But for me there's nothing better than the terrible commercialisation of modern Halloween. It's the worst, the tacky costumes, the awful films that end up on the TV. The insistence of every drinking establishment play both Ghostbusters and The Time Warp. It's terrible but I love it.

What was I saying? Oh yeah....

I try and make it a tradition to dress up as something for Halloween, but since I started presenting in public last November I've not had a chance to celebrate my favourite time of the year as me. I wanted to for now just go out as normal ass me. No costumes, not covered in fake blood and stuff. Just boring old regular Charlotte, so that's what I did.

Where I live has shall we say, a lively club scene. It's rarely empty on the weekends and nights like these are more manic than ever, I should have maybe thought about that a little more when thinking about where to go. I'm not a bar hopper sort of person. I pick a few, safe places and visit those (Usually free ones because I don't want to spend money to stand in a building with others :P). One of these places is supposedly an LGBT friendly bar. This bar does have some trans people on it's payroll last time I checked and it holds regular drag performances (For the record I'm not equating drag acts with trans people, simply stating that this particular bar has this sort of stuff going on). I honestly thought that, somewhere like this could at least make me feel welcome and safe. I should have known though that these places are far from trans inclusive when it comes to it's clientele.

Now, like everyone one else here. Sometimes I need to use the loo. It's just something that we all have to deal with, and being trans does pose it's own set of issues. This isn't the time or place to go into those because this isn't a WHERE DO I PEE blog. I know where I feel safest and that is in the womens (contrary to a blog a year ago where I felt like I wasn't ready to make that leap). Being genderfluid holds it's own set of issues though, since I present as two genders it can often feel like I'm doing something wrong by using a loo that fits the current gender that I am. I haven't started down the transition path yet, I'm still in the eyes of some people a guy who presents in the opposite gender. I try and put that to the back of my mind when out and if the occasion arises where I have to use the loo, I get in and out. No fuss, no bother. This time however it wasn't so easy. Being full of hen parties means that using the loo is like a fight for survival. If the hunger games was about a group of people fighting to use the one remaining toilet in a tacky nightclub then I think I'd be more interested. Well anyway polite as I am I let people go before blah blah blah, then it's my turn. Lock the door. DO MY THING. Instead of feeling safe however all I received was a load of abuse from outside. I'm not going to detail exactly what was being said but just know that it was horrible. Fortunately a group came to my defense and told them where to stick it. Shaken up I sat there for quite some time considering what my next move was going to be. I decided to try and shrug it off and just go back to enjoying myself, I was going to have a great time no matter what.

Well.....

Growing a bit weary of the bar I wanted to move on to somewhere else. It was getting on and I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Before going however I had to try and round up my friends who have this habit of doing their own thing on nights out, I have no problem with that obviously, what happened while I was rounding them up was the problem.

While moving my way across the dance floor I was, well there's no real way of putting this nicely. I was grabbed by a guy. He must have been like a million feet tall, either that or what he did made me feel like the smallest person in the world. He put his one arm in front of me stopping me from passing and pulled at my hair with his other. Regular readers will know that my gorgeous bangs aren't the work of my own but from a shop. Because of the work I'm in and also the need to present as two genders I keep my real hair short and then change between different hair styles as female. It works for me right now and it means I can change my look often. Well anyway as you can imagine having hair not attached to your actual cranium doesn't hurt when pulled but it does remove it. In the middle of a dance floor, in front of what felt like millions of people. I had my hair pulled off. Why? Well in this persons words.

"Mate, I wanted to check and see if you were a man or a chick"

And in that one moment, years of building and growth were instantly shattered. I felt weak, I felt like I was attacked for wanting to look a way I feel best represents me. I felt like I was something else.

I felt like a man.

And this has really hit me you know? I mean, it's not the worst thing that has happened to me. I've faced abuse before and have tackled it one way or the other. This time however I felt powerless, this person took every ounce of safety and power from me without a single fuck for my feelings. This person clearly felt that it was important to discover what my actual gender was through physical interaction. Perhaps they were confused, perhaps they kind of fancied me. Who knows ? What I do know is it's really shaken me to my core.

My confidence was shattered to such an extent I hid in the gents toilets and broke down I'd decided in that moment that this entire thing, being openly trans was not worth it. I was legitimately thinking to myself I should just quit while I had the chance. Since being more open I've felt sometimes like things have gotten away from me a little. I really do need to feel in control of my own life and sometimes, if for example I bump into someone I know who wasn't aware that can cause problems, and the need to watch my every move just in case something bad may happen. All these things snowballed together into one massive lump of fear within me, and I just couldn't face it.

So there I was, few hours later. I'd not even attempted to get involved with the rest of my night out. I decided instead to sit by myself for a while outside in the little smoking area in the next bar we were at, thinking about what I was going to do next when my friends came out. Stood alongside me and chatted. I told them that I was feeling like giving things up, I could handle hurting myself if that meant nobody else could. Then my friend said something which made me think. It wasn't anything profound, just a few short words.

"You need to be you".

And you know what? He is right. Why should I hurt myself because of others? Why should I fear what people might think and do when the other alternative is to suppress my own feelings. I am me, I am Charlotte. And no meat head arse hole who gives comment or touches my person is going to change that. He can think I'm a man all he wants. But in doing so shows how little a man they really are

This is me, and nobody should get in the way of that.

An open letter to my man

Dude, we need to talk.

This past year has been such a difficult journey for me. Like, I know you know how I feel.But, and this may sound weird. I don't think either of us fully grasps the other. I've wanted to speak to you for quite some time. I'm having to be a different person when all I can focus on is the pain that it's causing. I can't control these emotions any more than you can. But we need to come to some sort of arrangement.

I saw you a few weeks ago, staring back at me. The beard, the clothes. That wasn't me, we needed to change something. So we did. We removed the shackles of having to be a guy and we became me. And it was great, I was happy for a little while. It all came to an end though when you came back, to come stare at me again. "Why are you wearing a skirt? Why do you have makeup on? This isn't you is it?"

It's hurtful, those comments can cause serious pain. And the worst part about all of this is those comments came from me. I said those things to myself. We stood there and categorically decided in that one moment that I was being foolish for expressing my identity.

This isn't the first time that it's happened, I've been equally as vindictive and spiteful against you. Sometimes I really hate how you are. Like why are we inhabiting this same space? You are there saying all these things and pretending to be this person when we both know that in the moment that isn't us. But sometimes it is, very briefly I see us and think. Fuck, if we could just focus on being how we are right now maybe things might not be so bad. And for a moment I fool myself into thinking that if you win then we will be ok. We both know however that things don't work that way. These two genders occupy the same space, and both have a legitimate right to be expressed.

We need to stick up for ourselves more. When you hear those comments from people who think you are all that there is about us. When they dissect and make comment about the trans community, yet we remain silent. Scared that this could lead to an outburst, it has happened before. We almost lost someone we care for so dearly because of this. And I still sit there and get choked up over it. We lock away those emotions and it never goes well, after so long the pressure cooker explodes and it always leads to blow back on us. If only people could understand that the exterior you give off isn't always you, and being able to safely express yourself would lead to more positive outcomes.

I'm calmer when I know that whenever the feelings change, we can transition from either identity. In the long run there isn't two people here. We are the same person, but it's obvious that sometimes it feels that way. That needs to stop, I need to stop doing it. We both need to stop doing it.

So, what am I actually saying? Perhaps it's time we tried to work together. It has always felt like it's me against you. You are an ass and I can be a bit of a bitch to you. Let's just not from now on is it?

Let's leave the closet in the next year.

Genderfluid Month Vlog

Oh look it's me again. Talking about stuff.

Genderfluidity Month Intro

So, urm...HEY EVERYONE

Today is the first day of October, so you know what that means? I'm dedicating an entire month to something that is really important to my gender identity journey, by talking about the identity that I feel best describes me.

Why am I doing this then you all ask ? Well I talk quite a lot on this page about my experiences being female and how those experiences relate to her. As in me. As in..well yeah see that's the thing. G.F is such a complicated and fuzzy thing that I wanted to let you all in on how that feels. Some of the frustrations and how I cope with having essentially two genders.

What will I be talking about then? I've got a few little topics planned,next week I will be doing another vlog on how being genderfluid has been both a positive and negative experience. I will talk about labels soon and how I feel those can be a double edged sword. I want to (if I can) get someone on here to guest write, and maybe (if your lucky) you will get to hear more from the side of my gender identity that never really appears here all that often.

I'll be trying some new things that I haven't done before with my writing. So hopefully it will be at least interesting and informative. As for my Twitter I will try and post as many links and resources about this subject throughout the month. So if you don't already follow me there should be a link somewhere on this page. Maybe I'll even make a little #genderfluidmonth hashtag just so you can find whatever I post.

Check back in a few days (When I'm not working my socks off) to see what I have planned

Charlie xxx

Representation

If you follow me on Twitter you may remember a few months back I was interested in talking a little more about the representation of trans people in the media. In both fiction and factual programming, in television & film and even down to news I was interested to look at how we are portrayed in these formats. Well I've tried my best to put a good face on things but really I'm not feeling totally positive. Don't get me wrong there are some programs out there that aren't bad, but time and time again I see the same issues crop up. So with that in mind I'm going to write a few pointers on how we can perhaps make things a little better.

1) Language

Look, we get it. Some people find the idea of someone 'switching genders' fascinating. Call it voyeurism or fascination it don't matter, but this trend of using what I consider harmful permeates throughout. Do me a favour, read an article on a trans person or watch a factual program and see how long before one of these two lines appear.

A) She was born a boy and is now living as a woman

or

B) (Insert dead name here) now called (Insert actual name here)

Because from my recent experiences its far more common than I initially imagined. Sometimes if you're lucky you will get a double whammy and find them both within the same article. Can we like, I don't know maybe stop doing this now? 'Switching Genders' doesn't work like this. For most of us we have had to live in the gender we were not comfortable with for years. We haven't 'switched', we have aligned. Perhaps we can come up with a better term for it. For example just not ever explaining it again. Nobody needs this type of explanation. And as for the name thing, yeah please can we stop doing the dead naming thing. It doesn't benefit anyone, the trans person or the reader. It makes it sound so temporary or frivolous. We already face persecution under the false belief that we do all this for aesthetic or selfish reasons. Dead naming, even in this context is not helpful.

2) The Picture Parade

You have all seen this one at some point I'm sure. It usually happens quite early on in a program. This is where the creator makes a generation game style carousel of childhood images. This one is more of a creative complain than a perception one. This, alongside sequences of trying on makeup and glamming up feel incredibly outdated and says nothing. We should all by now be used to this sort of imagery and it's about time we put it to bed.

3) Facts Facts Facts !

I love a good story about people being people. We have this tool at our disposal that, when used correctly can really tell a person's story. But all too often we miss out on some of the important facts when it comes to transitioning and trans issues in general. As you should all be aware by now I'm not currently going through any of the million hoops you have to get through to transition. And that's mostly because the whole process seems so dense and confusing I have no idea where to begin. This is where film and TV can come in. I and many others I'm sure would love to see a focus placed on the process of going from where I am now to transitioning. Who do we speak to? Where do we start? What are the options? It's a scary and confusing road which I believe can put many people off, myself included. That doesn't mean it's stopping people from starting the process, but to seek the right advice early on and perhaps not prolong things further than they need. There's also far too little information on what medication does and does not do. We hear all the time from those who are not versed in this stuff say "When are you having the Op?" and similar things. That's only because the information is still for many not as accessible to either access or to parse. Now I'm not saying we turn people's lives into a clinical medical thing, turning what is a rich and deep subject into nothing more than 'You can do this, this and this' however I feel there could be a balance. I'm sure there are programs which do offer some of this information but I'm still looking for one which feels truly beneficial.

There's a few things I feel could be handled a little better within the industry that I love so much. This is by no means a comprehensive list, nor is it particularly academic. If you want to look even further into this subject, perhaps at a deeper level then I highly recommend you try Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. She wrote an entire section on this sort of subject which is well worth reading.

It's homework time now folks. What do you think companies/production groups need to do in order to further improve our perception within film, TV & the press? Is it time we have a full overhaul of how we are represented? Or are we getting there a bit at a time? Let's share some information and cite some examples maybe. I'm also aware that knocking something down isn't beneficial if I don't try to build things back up. So I'll create a follow up shortly citing my own examples and perhaps offering some more constructive feedback. 

Charlie xx

Ground control to Major Tom

I'm sure some of you (by that I mean none of you) have begun wondering why I've not posted in just over a month. Since my last blog I've been super quiet here and despite having some of my most viewed posts since the blog started I've failed to keep up the momentum. So why is that ? Well I'll explain below.

First of all I've wanted to take a little break and recharge my writing batteries again. In the first 6 months I really did go through most of the topics I wanted to talk about and since joining Twitter I've found a whole new host of things to talk about. Up until April most of my posts were personal, I commented on my own experiences however since finding a bigger audience I've started speaking about the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. With that exposure does come some criticism which definitely does put a damper on things but more than that I want to feel like I can answer any detractors in an educated way, hence why I've been taking time away to learn as much as I can. I have some content ready to go on the recent Stonewall movie controversy but I want to make 100% sure it's ready to go before I post it.

Secondly I've been having some really awful times with my identity this summer. That's despite being more open and exposed than ever. You see although I call myself trans for ease of discussion I am in actual fact more gender fluid. Be that for work purposes or whatever my identity is not fixed and I do find myself going back and forth between two people. That's a really simplistic way of putting it but maybe it's something I can expand on in the future. I don't control when this happens and as a result it has an impact on my blog and me personally. When I'm in this mid point I tend to be far more aggressive and frustrated which leads me to do silly things like delete a whole bunch of people from my Facebook because 'lol it's funny'. This also means that I find less topics to write about and have less enthusiasm for what I do. 

Will I come back soon? Most definitely ! I have some interesting things I want to talk about very soon, for now though I just need this time to myself. 

I hope to be back in the next few weeks with a few topics on genderfluidity, what it's like and perhaps get the perspective of other genderfluid people. So until then I love you all and I'll speak to you soon.

Charlie xx