Transition Transmission April 2017

Oh shit waddup.

 Hello strangers ! Long time no speak. 

Before I delve into what I’ve been up to since I last posted something it might be a good idea to talk about why I’ve taken such a long break from writing.

The short and simple answer is I haven’t felt up to it for quite some time. From about August to December of last year I felt incredibly trapped in a life that I didn’t want. I was, for lack of a better word still being seen as a guy, fair enough that was the case for like 26 years before then but for that short period it felt even more suffocating than before. In turn that kind of stopped me wanting to write about things, there was this feeling in the back of my mind that in some ways I was an imposter. Writing about trans things but not actually living the life that I needed. I decided then to make a change. Over Christmas I came out to my partner, work colleagues and some members of my family (Not all but we will come to that). In many ways, a great weight had been lifted off my mind. All the insecurities of being trans or having to deal with the process of transitioning felt like tiny insignificant worries. For the first time in my life I felt like I could finally take care of myself and get to where I want to be, not what others wanted.

It has been, shall we say a mixed few months emotionally. The first bit of news is that my partner of 8 years left me just after Christmas. The details are not worth detailing and it would be incredibly unfair of me to air that laundry here but it was clear that we could no longer stay together while I transitioned. Although I was reassured that her leaving was not because of that it was clear that it was the case. To tell you the truth it hasn’t been as difficult adjusting and coping with my new life as I had initially imagined. Moving into my own place, where I can live how I want has helped greatly with that. We have spoken once or twice since then, nothing more than pleasantries and if given the opportunity to be friends I would in a heartbeat however I know that it would lead to greater heartbreak if I did. I’m perfectly happy to leave that old life behind, close the book and start a new one with new friends and new experiences. 

While we are talking about new experiences I’ve been pushing forward with both private and NHS care. In February of this year I was given the all clear from my private doctor to get the ball rolling on getting hormones. I’m awaiting blood tests (10^th of this month actually 😃) and once those are back and hopefully all good I will be starting HRT very shortly. I’ve asked around at other people who have seen the same person and provided it all goes smoothly I should be able to start on my birthday. I can start before then given the relatively speedy time for private care to sort itself but being a terrible sucker for occasion I thought it would be nice to start around that time. I’ve spoken with my work about this too and we are now planning what we will say to other members of staff etc. My work isn’t secret but I don’t really like to talk about it on here so let’s just say there are a few significant hurdles that need to be overcome first. 

And on the NHS front I have some excellent news finally. Earlier last month I had a meeting with the mental health team at my local GP and my referral letter has since been sent off. Which means that between now and the time I turn 100 I will get a reply from them but hey at least that’s kind of good.

So what made me want to get back into writing? Well it’s no secret that over the last few months there’s been a lot of, shall we say negative press thrown at trans people. From highly popular right wing ‘news’papers to buses with terrible things written on them. From governments to broadcasters it seems now more than ever we need to let our voices heard. To show people that trans people are just the same as them. We have the same wants and needs as anyone, and if given the opportunity they can see how incredible we can all be. I’d like to turn this page into something positive, somewhere I can talk about the many amazing things that have happened and will happen now I’m no longer hiding who I really am. A place where I can share my thoughts but also those of others. I’d like to continue with vlogging and (If my plan comes together) share some film related projects with y’all. I stopped making short films because of, well my dysphoria really. I hated seeing my name or face on screen however I want to change that and start making movies under my new name, my proper name.

I used to really enjoy sharing parts of my life with the people who visited on a regular basis, this platform was a real help to me during some horrible times emotionally. Although I’ve got nothing really set in stone yet on what to do here I’m hoping that this little post with help spark some new ideas for me. 

Anyway I’ve rambled on now for about a 1000 words, hopefully there will be something new on here very soon.

It’s good to be back

Charlie xx

Unconditional Love.

This Friday sees the release of Shape Shift With Me, the highly anticipated seventh album from Florida punk band Against Me! If you follow me on Twitter, or if you just know me in general  you will know how excited I am for it. I've pre ordered two copies of the Vinyl, the CD and the accompanying merch. My hype level was through the roof. I anxiously awaited every single song reveal, I've even gone as far as to get tickets for a few days on their U.K Tour (Although I will be giving some away very soon).

I'm sure quite a lot of you by now have at least some passing knowledge of the bands lead singer Laura Jane Grace who came out as trans in 2012. Never shy to speak her mind, she has become and inspiration for quite a number of trans people. All this is documented on other blogs however, so why am I telling you all of this? Why am I so incredibly excited to get that album in my hands on the 16th? Because whether the band know it or not they have saved me more times than I care to remember, and that started all the way back in the mid 2000's

By around 2004 I was beginning to get some idea of who I was as a person, although I still had no idea why I felt so uncomfortable in my skin I knew one thing. I really disliked the world around me. I didn't think people were somehow lesser than me, or that I was the only 'smart' one but I did feel like the world was an unjust and scary place. I had begun shall we say 'experimenting' with my identity, I felt like I was some sort of energetic and righteous rebel telling the system where to shove it......looking back I was doing none of that with my MP3 player and school uniform but in my own mind I was like some warrior, it was me against the world. I begun listening to more punk, and in particular I really liked what the Americans were offering. Bands like Anti-Flag, NOFX and their ilk were favourites, in and among that there was this other band. A band which played harder and screamed louder than all the rest. That band was Against Me!

I'll admit I had only heard one or two songs at that point, it's that far back now I can't even remember which they were exactly. But even then this band of anarcho punks had dug their way into my collection where they would never leave. They became part of the soundtrack of my youth.



I started University and in some ways my taste in music began to change. Gone were the bands like Bad Religion and Flogging Molly, in were the AC/DC's and Thin Lizzy's. The people I lived with objected less to Angus Young and as a result that's what I listened to for many years. While in University I began piecing together the reasons why I was unhappy. It was because people weren't seeing me as I saw myself. I couldn't put my finger at it but looking back I knew I was trans, even if I didn't know the right word for it. This is where my private 'dressing up' times were at their most intense. Although in the moment it helped, in the light of day it never made me happy. I still thought though that there was no life outside of this. I thought all I could do was present in private and there were no options. While things seemed far clearer in my younger days listening to punk at obscene volumes. The world become far more confusing and muddier without these bands in my life and I'd like to think that in some ways AM! were a part of earlier clarity.

This would continue until 2012. I still had no idea that trans people existed (It's true!). That was until I saw an article from Rolling Stone a few days after my birthday. This article contained a name and face I recognised. "Oh look" I thought. "That singer from that band I used to like might be the same as me". So I clicked on the article and from that moment on my life completely changed. It felt like for the first time a musician was speaking directly to me. It was if the person on the other side of the page was screaming back "THIS IS SOMETHING, THERE IS NO SHAME IN IT, YOU ARE REAL". And from that moment on I spent days searching for any tiny scraps on the person who we would come to call Laura. At this same time I begun looking into the options available to people like me. Those who never felt right but had no words. No terminology. No clue.

I learned a lot from Laura since then. Terminology, philosophy and a way to make sense of what I was feeling. I begun listening to music from those middle years that I missed. Songs like The Ocean and Searching for a Former Clarity. Those hints had been there but I would never have made sense of them. One thing was clear however, I wasn't going to let this band go.

I think things made more sense in 2014 with the release of what I consider the most important album in my life. Transgender Dysphoria Blues. I remember listening to it on a bus on the way home from work. The rain pouring down the window as the into to Fuck My Life 666 began to play. I thought to myself that there was no point running away from this. I wasn't happy and I needed to figure out how I could find that. I began researching into gender dysphoria, joined a few forums and in the months following I started this blog. All the while it felt like Laura was there beside me. TDB is responsible getting me though the last few years and has become an almost weekly listen.



2014 was also first time I got to see them play live. My brother took me as a surprise gift and he somehow managed to get me to the front. During a particular moment of 'We Laugh at Danger and Break all the Rules' Laura put down her instrument and jumped into the crowd. The crowd went wild and it made me realise something. She is doing her thing, there are hundreds of people here in awe of this person. She clambered down in front of me after surfing the crowd for what felt like forever. The 3 or so people next to me all embraced and Grace joined in. For those few moments there was nobody else around us. Just this little group. We all appreciated and loved eachothers company even for those brief moments. As the band left the stage and the club lights turned back on I turned to my brother. Looked him in the eyes and said something I'd never told anyone

"I think I might be trans"

The bands music had brought me and my brother together more than any other group. And Laura gave me the confidence to tell him who I was.

For the next 2 years Against Me! became a regular backdrop in my car to work, on the train home from nights out. Appearing often on jukeboxes in rock bars and requested at club nights. And when I felt most down, songs like True Trans Soul Rebel were there to pick me back up.

And I've never needed something stable to hold onto more than right now. Since I began getting my transition plans in order I've ran the whole gamut of emotions. I'm now the happiest I've ever been and a lot of that is down to this bands music. However I would be lying if I said this year hasn't been challenging. There are times when I've felt at my loneliest, sometimes feeling like there's nobody in my life I can talk to. But I've had this one constant helping me through it all, the four piece originating from Gainesville.



Nowhere has this helped more than in the last few weeks. There's been a few times recently where I've been unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the frustrating NHS system, the situation with my family and general work woes about being an open trans person in a career that I adore so much. Coming out could spell the end of so many parts of my life, my relationships and my work are all in jeopardy. But during this time a song appeared on my Facebook. A song from a band who has always spoken to me, has always been there and will hopefully be there for many more years. A song that lifted my spirit and got me excited again. Excited for the future, excited for where I'm going and what I can accomplish.  So if anyone from Against Me! reads this. Thank you for so many years of amazing music. Thank you for giving me a purpose and thank you for lifting me up when nothing else could. Keep rockin' and I'll see you in Bristol in December :)

Charlotte xx

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I'm such a comedian aye....

Bristol Pride

I went to Bristol Pride LOL

Transitioning in Wales

Because I couldn't come up with a snappier title....

Transition Transmission : May

It's nice to post something positive for a change.

Hi folks ! I know it's the middle of the month an all but I thought this might be a good time to talk about my appointment yesterday. It's not super interesting but if it helps one person then I've done my job I guess.

So as you're aware, in order to get a referral my GP pushed me through the local mental health team, it was frustrating but I played ball and in some ways I'm glad I did. It's felt quite lonely doing all this recently, I know I have some amazing support online but human interaction is incredibly important to me and not being open to my family has made things feel quite isolated. 

I didn't know what to expect with this appointment, I thought maybe the person who saw me would try and pry into every aspect of my life, I thought Freud had somehow come back from the dead and was ready to tell me my dysphoria was because I tied my left shoe first. It was honestly quite frightening, after my last experience with my GP I was worried things would go wrong again, but in reality things couldn't in my opinion have gone better.

From the very off when I told her about my desire to transition she began using female pronouns. For a bunch of annoying medical reasons we had to fill everything in with Mr's and Him's but 'unofficially' I was female. This is the first time I've ever experienced this, and it was amazing ! Like I can't even put into words how nice it was for someone to actually use correct pronouns and things. I've had a bit of an uphill battle with terms in my friend circles, there are about 4 or 5 close friends who instantly switched to Charlotte etc but there are still one or two that need constant reminding that my dead name is no longer in use. Actually I call them friends but I've kind of stopped speaking to them because of it. If they can't respect my name then I can't continue our friendship but I digress.

She told me I had essentially the 20 minutes to talk about myself and she would not pry into things if I didn't want to. I was kind of ok with questions as I'm still finding it hard to get my head around the "I'm transitioning" stuff. Saying it now still feels weird for some reason so having someone ask questions about my life helped a lot. I went through the usual thing, known for years and wanted to begin down the pathway. There was one or two awkward questions about my sexuality however I was more prepared this time. Then she said something that initially made my heart sink but it was actually kind of great to hear. After saying this is what I want to do, it's not a phase or me trying to be different. I've not wanted anything more in my entire life and I'd fight to get it she said.

"Well there isn't much I can do to help"

I was taken back at first. What do you mean you can't help me? I need help. I was readying my emotional speech about how this is going to save me when she said.

"That came out wrong, what I mean to say is you don't need me to help you".

She then went on to explain that from the initial assessment I seemed like a determined young woman, I know what I wanted and no amount of counseling would confirm anything. She did offer a course of sessions if I wanted to make sure this is the path I wanted but instantly said that she doesn't feel I need it. What I needed is support to get to the next stage. In her words someone to fight in my corner to push for this. That's when she offered to push this forward and get the referral sorted.

I had to physically stop myself from diving over the desk to hug her, finally after all this time here's someone with actual clout who believes me. Who treated me as I wanted to be treated. Someone who has said in as many words "You are trans".

We spoke a little more about the dangers of publicly coming out, how I could get support from groups with things like coming out, with work and what have you. I was jumping with excitement while speaking to her, I don't think in 27 years I've ever felt as happy as that one moment.

Before leaving she said something which will stick with me forever.

"If you are a woman let nothing stop you, go for it girl"

I've not been able to stop smiling since, I am kind of weary of people who work in these sorts of fields. Like is she only asking for my skin care routine because she is interested or is it just a way to make me feel comfortable. Either way I was happy and if more people want to give me compliments then that's fine (HINT HINT CLOSE FRIENDS :P )

So that's where I am now. Waiting for my next referral appointment thing where hopefully everything will be sorted. Now it may seem like I'm taking things slow, which I am but I have a plan. Once I know my details are sent off then I'm going to start pushing for private treatment. I've been saving for a while and can at least support myself while doing this. Then it's the next big part, telling my family.

Honestly after what she said I could have gone home to tell people, I don't feel ready yet though. I want the coming out to my transition stage to run smoothly, that's why I'm slowly bringing it up in conversations. For my friends who don't know I'm introducing them slowly and for work I'm trying out a whole new wardrobe. I'll still probably continue to wear my hair in pictures until it's grown to a length that makes me feel confident but I don't want to be wearing it when I come out.

And that's basically it. I'd like to ride this wave of positive and post nice things for a while, let's see how that goes.

Charlie xx

Transition Transmission: April

I want this picture to define me.

Hey folks ! Hope y'all are a-ok :).

I've been thinking about what I could do to ensure a stream of updates here on my blog, and since I decided at the start of this month to transition a series of monthly updates might be a good way to fill that gap. So here goes, let me know what you think yeah?

What's changed since the last time I posted then? Well not much in terms in regards to getting appointments and stuff, in fact that has regressed but I'll go into that in a moment. What I've mostly been doing is research and planning. I'm terrible for planning, as in I like to think I can plan stuff but in actual fact I end up not following through or I making a mess of things. This is a huge step however and I felt it would be best if I came up with some realistic goals for myself in the next year. Who knows when I will get my first appointment in whatever GIC they decide to send me to so in the meantime it would be good to look at all the options.

First the bad news, my local health team have made a couple of blunders in regards to my referral which has kind of halted things in many ways. As you know the system here in Wales can be a little fiddly and backwards, sending people to things like 'specialist teams' and that before they refer you. Well anyway I was supposed to wait for an appointment date according to my GP. I received a letter saying that my referral had been sent but I'd not heard any more, this week I had another letter saying my referral had been dropped because I hadn't contacted them in time. This means that if I can't sort things out this week I may have to go back and start the whole process again. Taking up another 3 months of my time on top of the million billion trillion years it takes to even get a date for a GIC appointment. So yeah things are kind of annoying on that front. It wont stop me obviously, I have a nice day off now in which I can call up and kick butt, I will admit that on first receiving the letter I felt super deflated but it won't deter me.

This has led me down another path though with support from my friends. I've been researching into the possibility of going private, this is kind of a huge step and somewhat of a risk financially. I have money saved up however right now it's tied up in trying to look for a new place to live, car stuff and general in case of emergency money. Right now my finances seem like a vast web of bits and pieces that need to be brought together, something I'm working on now. I don't want to commit to anything while I feel this insecure about where my money will be coming from in a few months but rest assured I am looking into it. If I know I am somewhat secure 6 months down the line I'd have saved enough money to sort out all the initial stuff and have enough to worry about insuring my car etc. It doesn't help knowing that I might be out of work in 6 weeks (I'll blame it on the Government for a laugh) so that is taking up a decent chunk of my time. I'm kind of terrible with money but when it comes to big things like this I am quite conservative. Ewwww I said conservative, I feel ill.

Next up I've been giving myself sleepless nights thinking about how and when I'm going to come out proper. Like not just "Oh I am trans" but "Oh I'm transitioning LOL". Yeah transitioning is a personal thing but I know that people need time to adjust etc. I started last weekend by speaking to someone I know is 100% behind me, my brother. Admittedly it wasn't the best environment to tell them, basically the smoking area outside a metal bar but it just slipped out. I was worried that it would make things awkward but it really it  hasn't. I spoke about the process, the challenges ahead and my general fears about coming out right now in a valleys town where people are still fascinated by the only gay in the village, I'm not even joking. I know people who think there is only one gay man living in my town. NOT EVEN JOKING. He asked me to talk though all the people that I am worried about telling, members of the family, friends, work colleagues and we worked through each one together. How best to tell people and what I should do if things don't go well. Obviously we don't know how people react so anything we said could turn out wrong but it did give me that confidence to tell everyone.

That's kind of where I am right now, baby steps Williams I should be called. I knew it would be though, I didn't want to jump in with both feet, I want to test the waters. Find a nice part of the pool before diving in. Check me out with the swimming metaphors

Yeah so should I do more of these ? Even if next month it goes as far as "Yeah phoned a doctor and they said a thing". Be nice to keep people in the loop a little and show that I'm not always sitting on my bum playing Dark Souls.......that's just most of the time.

Charlie xx