Transition Transmission April 2017

Oh shit waddup.

 Hello strangers ! Long time no speak. 

Before I delve into what I’ve been up to since I last posted something it might be a good idea to talk about why I’ve taken such a long break from writing.

The short and simple answer is I haven’t felt up to it for quite some time. From about August to December of last year I felt incredibly trapped in a life that I didn’t want. I was, for lack of a better word still being seen as a guy, fair enough that was the case for like 26 years before then but for that short period it felt even more suffocating than before. In turn that kind of stopped me wanting to write about things, there was this feeling in the back of my mind that in some ways I was an imposter. Writing about trans things but not actually living the life that I needed. I decided then to make a change. Over Christmas I came out to my partner, work colleagues and some members of my family (Not all but we will come to that). In many ways, a great weight had been lifted off my mind. All the insecurities of being trans or having to deal with the process of transitioning felt like tiny insignificant worries. For the first time in my life I felt like I could finally take care of myself and get to where I want to be, not what others wanted.

It has been, shall we say a mixed few months emotionally. The first bit of news is that my partner of 8 years left me just after Christmas. The details are not worth detailing and it would be incredibly unfair of me to air that laundry here but it was clear that we could no longer stay together while I transitioned. Although I was reassured that her leaving was not because of that it was clear that it was the case. To tell you the truth it hasn’t been as difficult adjusting and coping with my new life as I had initially imagined. Moving into my own place, where I can live how I want has helped greatly with that. We have spoken once or twice since then, nothing more than pleasantries and if given the opportunity to be friends I would in a heartbeat however I know that it would lead to greater heartbreak if I did. I’m perfectly happy to leave that old life behind, close the book and start a new one with new friends and new experiences. 

While we are talking about new experiences I’ve been pushing forward with both private and NHS care. In February of this year I was given the all clear from my private doctor to get the ball rolling on getting hormones. I’m awaiting blood tests (10^th of this month actually 😃) and once those are back and hopefully all good I will be starting HRT very shortly. I’ve asked around at other people who have seen the same person and provided it all goes smoothly I should be able to start on my birthday. I can start before then given the relatively speedy time for private care to sort itself but being a terrible sucker for occasion I thought it would be nice to start around that time. I’ve spoken with my work about this too and we are now planning what we will say to other members of staff etc. My work isn’t secret but I don’t really like to talk about it on here so let’s just say there are a few significant hurdles that need to be overcome first. 

And on the NHS front I have some excellent news finally. Earlier last month I had a meeting with the mental health team at my local GP and my referral letter has since been sent off. Which means that between now and the time I turn 100 I will get a reply from them but hey at least that’s kind of good.

So what made me want to get back into writing? Well it’s no secret that over the last few months there’s been a lot of, shall we say negative press thrown at trans people. From highly popular right wing ‘news’papers to buses with terrible things written on them. From governments to broadcasters it seems now more than ever we need to let our voices heard. To show people that trans people are just the same as them. We have the same wants and needs as anyone, and if given the opportunity they can see how incredible we can all be. I’d like to turn this page into something positive, somewhere I can talk about the many amazing things that have happened and will happen now I’m no longer hiding who I really am. A place where I can share my thoughts but also those of others. I’d like to continue with vlogging and (If my plan comes together) share some film related projects with y’all. I stopped making short films because of, well my dysphoria really. I hated seeing my name or face on screen however I want to change that and start making movies under my new name, my proper name.

I used to really enjoy sharing parts of my life with the people who visited on a regular basis, this platform was a real help to me during some horrible times emotionally. Although I’ve got nothing really set in stone yet on what to do here I’m hoping that this little post with help spark some new ideas for me. 

Anyway I’ve rambled on now for about a 1000 words, hopefully there will be something new on here very soon.

It’s good to be back

Charlie xx

Unconditional Love.

This Friday sees the release of Shape Shift With Me, the highly anticipated seventh album from Florida punk band Against Me! If you follow me on Twitter, or if you just know me in general  you will know how excited I am for it. I've pre ordered two copies of the Vinyl, the CD and the accompanying merch. My hype level was through the roof. I anxiously awaited every single song reveal, I've even gone as far as to get tickets for a few days on their U.K Tour (Although I will be giving some away very soon).

I'm sure quite a lot of you by now have at least some passing knowledge of the bands lead singer Laura Jane Grace who came out as trans in 2012. Never shy to speak her mind, she has become and inspiration for quite a number of trans people. All this is documented on other blogs however, so why am I telling you all of this? Why am I so incredibly excited to get that album in my hands on the 16th? Because whether the band know it or not they have saved me more times than I care to remember, and that started all the way back in the mid 2000's

By around 2004 I was beginning to get some idea of who I was as a person, although I still had no idea why I felt so uncomfortable in my skin I knew one thing. I really disliked the world around me. I didn't think people were somehow lesser than me, or that I was the only 'smart' one but I did feel like the world was an unjust and scary place. I had begun shall we say 'experimenting' with my identity, I felt like I was some sort of energetic and righteous rebel telling the system where to shove it......looking back I was doing none of that with my MP3 player and school uniform but in my own mind I was like some warrior, it was me against the world. I begun listening to more punk, and in particular I really liked what the Americans were offering. Bands like Anti-Flag, NOFX and their ilk were favourites, in and among that there was this other band. A band which played harder and screamed louder than all the rest. That band was Against Me!

I'll admit I had only heard one or two songs at that point, it's that far back now I can't even remember which they were exactly. But even then this band of anarcho punks had dug their way into my collection where they would never leave. They became part of the soundtrack of my youth.



I started University and in some ways my taste in music began to change. Gone were the bands like Bad Religion and Flogging Molly, in were the AC/DC's and Thin Lizzy's. The people I lived with objected less to Angus Young and as a result that's what I listened to for many years. While in University I began piecing together the reasons why I was unhappy. It was because people weren't seeing me as I saw myself. I couldn't put my finger at it but looking back I knew I was trans, even if I didn't know the right word for it. This is where my private 'dressing up' times were at their most intense. Although in the moment it helped, in the light of day it never made me happy. I still thought though that there was no life outside of this. I thought all I could do was present in private and there were no options. While things seemed far clearer in my younger days listening to punk at obscene volumes. The world become far more confusing and muddier without these bands in my life and I'd like to think that in some ways AM! were a part of earlier clarity.

This would continue until 2012. I still had no idea that trans people existed (It's true!). That was until I saw an article from Rolling Stone a few days after my birthday. This article contained a name and face I recognised. "Oh look" I thought. "That singer from that band I used to like might be the same as me". So I clicked on the article and from that moment on my life completely changed. It felt like for the first time a musician was speaking directly to me. It was if the person on the other side of the page was screaming back "THIS IS SOMETHING, THERE IS NO SHAME IN IT, YOU ARE REAL". And from that moment on I spent days searching for any tiny scraps on the person who we would come to call Laura. At this same time I begun looking into the options available to people like me. Those who never felt right but had no words. No terminology. No clue.

I learned a lot from Laura since then. Terminology, philosophy and a way to make sense of what I was feeling. I begun listening to music from those middle years that I missed. Songs like The Ocean and Searching for a Former Clarity. Those hints had been there but I would never have made sense of them. One thing was clear however, I wasn't going to let this band go.

I think things made more sense in 2014 with the release of what I consider the most important album in my life. Transgender Dysphoria Blues. I remember listening to it on a bus on the way home from work. The rain pouring down the window as the into to Fuck My Life 666 began to play. I thought to myself that there was no point running away from this. I wasn't happy and I needed to figure out how I could find that. I began researching into gender dysphoria, joined a few forums and in the months following I started this blog. All the while it felt like Laura was there beside me. TDB is responsible getting me though the last few years and has become an almost weekly listen.



2014 was also first time I got to see them play live. My brother took me as a surprise gift and he somehow managed to get me to the front. During a particular moment of 'We Laugh at Danger and Break all the Rules' Laura put down her instrument and jumped into the crowd. The crowd went wild and it made me realise something. She is doing her thing, there are hundreds of people here in awe of this person. She clambered down in front of me after surfing the crowd for what felt like forever. The 3 or so people next to me all embraced and Grace joined in. For those few moments there was nobody else around us. Just this little group. We all appreciated and loved eachothers company even for those brief moments. As the band left the stage and the club lights turned back on I turned to my brother. Looked him in the eyes and said something I'd never told anyone

"I think I might be trans"

The bands music had brought me and my brother together more than any other group. And Laura gave me the confidence to tell him who I was.

For the next 2 years Against Me! became a regular backdrop in my car to work, on the train home from nights out. Appearing often on jukeboxes in rock bars and requested at club nights. And when I felt most down, songs like True Trans Soul Rebel were there to pick me back up.

And I've never needed something stable to hold onto more than right now. Since I began getting my transition plans in order I've ran the whole gamut of emotions. I'm now the happiest I've ever been and a lot of that is down to this bands music. However I would be lying if I said this year hasn't been challenging. There are times when I've felt at my loneliest, sometimes feeling like there's nobody in my life I can talk to. But I've had this one constant helping me through it all, the four piece originating from Gainesville.



Nowhere has this helped more than in the last few weeks. There's been a few times recently where I've been unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the frustrating NHS system, the situation with my family and general work woes about being an open trans person in a career that I adore so much. Coming out could spell the end of so many parts of my life, my relationships and my work are all in jeopardy. But during this time a song appeared on my Facebook. A song from a band who has always spoken to me, has always been there and will hopefully be there for many more years. A song that lifted my spirit and got me excited again. Excited for the future, excited for where I'm going and what I can accomplish.  So if anyone from Against Me! reads this. Thank you for so many years of amazing music. Thank you for giving me a purpose and thank you for lifting me up when nothing else could. Keep rockin' and I'll see you in Bristol in December :)

Charlotte xx

2015 Review : Jan - May

I took this pic at the start of the new year.

Here we are then, another year over with ! I was going to write a big piece on what I've done in the last year but since writing this blog most of what I've done is here already. So instead what I've decided to do is trawl through my posts and pick one from each month that has best represented that point in my life. Sit back and reminisce at the last 12 months with me.

Warning before we start. In the last year my opinions have changed as I've spent more time talking to trans folk and educating myself. None of us are 100% right so although I don't regret anything I've posted here some of my thoughts may have changed. With that in mind let's begin


JANUARY
At the start of 2015 I made the decision to explore who I was in more detail. Starting with a discussion on my gender and where I fit in. But the post that I remember most from is this....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/a-whole-lotta-woman.html

A year on I still have no idea what they meant by 'being more fem', nor do I get why that's important. Looking back I can see how I began to criticise how people perceive the community.

FEBRUARY
February was special as it was a whole year since I listened to the incredible Against Me! album Transgender Dysphoria Blues for the first time. That album really spoke to me and made me think about my own identity. However a year on I still had problems trying to work out who I was....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/leading-double-life.html

P.S If you haven't looked at my friends book blog then do so. She is such an amazing person and I can't imagine where I'd be without her.

Sorry Leah :P

MARCH
March was really big when it came to the growth of my blog. I'd been toying with the idea for a while of starting my own vlog & in this month I took the plunge. Vlogging is kind of the center of everything I do now and I've seen my page grow tenfold since then. For me however March was all about this....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/termsandconditionsapply.html

This came on the back of abuse my friend had for using the term woman without 'trans' prefacing that. While I could have worded myself a little better (I had the writing ability of a 5 year old) I still agree that people have the right to call themselves what makes them most comfortable.

APRIL
Oh April ! Where I took another dig at the term 'passing' and started using Twitter to make friends with more trans folk. Instead of something more serious though for April, the thing I remember most was my Q&A.....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/transpotting-q-session.html

I'd love to do one of these again in the new year. Perhaps focused on a specific topic or another general AMA. April was also the month where I ditched the hair and went for something a little different.

MAY
The month I reviewed the excellent Mad Max : Fury Road, justified why I take so many pictures and where I opened up in two very special vlogs. The one was for International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia, the one I want to post here though was something real serious....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/vlog-bullying-bandits-and-bad-times.html

This one was really hard for me to put out there. On the one hand I didn't want to land people in crap for stuff that may have happened a long time ago, then again why should people get away with being terrible individuals. In hindsight I'm glad I posted this piece as it has helped me in some ways forgive those people for their actions. Don't get me wrong I'll never speak to them again, but I don't hate them anymore which is I guess a small victory.

So that's January to May of 2015. Check back in a few days for June to October !

End of May Selfie

Coming Out Pt 2

Off the cuff discussion about some of my experiences being closeted.

Ground control to Major Tom

I'm sure some of you (by that I mean none of you) have begun wondering why I've not posted in just over a month. Since my last blog I've been super quiet here and despite having some of my most viewed posts since the blog started I've failed to keep up the momentum. So why is that ? Well I'll explain below.

First of all I've wanted to take a little break and recharge my writing batteries again. In the first 6 months I really did go through most of the topics I wanted to talk about and since joining Twitter I've found a whole new host of things to talk about. Up until April most of my posts were personal, I commented on my own experiences however since finding a bigger audience I've started speaking about the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. With that exposure does come some criticism which definitely does put a damper on things but more than that I want to feel like I can answer any detractors in an educated way, hence why I've been taking time away to learn as much as I can. I have some content ready to go on the recent Stonewall movie controversy but I want to make 100% sure it's ready to go before I post it.

Secondly I've been having some really awful times with my identity this summer. That's despite being more open and exposed than ever. You see although I call myself trans for ease of discussion I am in actual fact more gender fluid. Be that for work purposes or whatever my identity is not fixed and I do find myself going back and forth between two people. That's a really simplistic way of putting it but maybe it's something I can expand on in the future. I don't control when this happens and as a result it has an impact on my blog and me personally. When I'm in this mid point I tend to be far more aggressive and frustrated which leads me to do silly things like delete a whole bunch of people from my Facebook because 'lol it's funny'. This also means that I find less topics to write about and have less enthusiasm for what I do. 

Will I come back soon? Most definitely ! I have some interesting things I want to talk about very soon, for now though I just need this time to myself. 

I hope to be back in the next few weeks with a few topics on genderfluidity, what it's like and perhaps get the perspective of other genderfluid people. So until then I love you all and I'll speak to you soon.

Charlie xx

Vlog : Bullying, Bandits and Bad Times

Triggers: Suicide, Self Harm, Bullying. This is a really difficult on this week, I talk about some really heavy stuff and hopefully do it justice. Let me know in the comments your thoughts etc etc etc

Selfierapy

Last week I mentioned briefly about some of the tactics I employ to cope with my struggles with gender identity. I spoke about using photography as a form of expression and some of the misconceptions surrounding why I use it. That discussion is in the past, what I do want to talk about however is how I started taking pictures, why I use photography as expression and how it has benefited me in the long run.

I've been a photographer for a number of years. Although I have mostly worked within moving image, particularly short films. I've found that I have a natural eye for taking pictures. As a result I've had a number of my photographs used in print from newspapers to magazines. I enjoy nothing more than getting up early with a camera, taking a lazy walk up to the hills surrounding my home and snapping away at what I find. It's a part of my life however I want to keep away from the blog for now. This has always been Charlie's place and anything that crosses the boundary between her and male me I prefer to not expose. What I am willing to expose though is my love for self photography.

Much like any introspective art form, self photography can be an amazing way to express your true feelings. The more of yourself you put into any project, the more alive it feels and you can't get much more yourself than physically being in the piece. I first started toying with the idea when I purchased a new DSLR a few years back. Having a rotating screen and wireless shutter control mean that I could control what happens in the image and with that I found that I really enjoyed creating pieces of myself.

It may sound incredibly vain but...well yeah it actually is. But vanity is not something in my opinion you should be ashamed of. My priorities are in the right place, my work means that usually I am the last person I think about on a day to day basis therefore taking the time out for me is incredibly relaxing. There is nothing wrong with being proud of who you are and this is just one way that I express that, and more importantly it's going to mean something in the long run.

I don't know one day to the next what will happen. Gender identity makes it so that I live more often than not in the now. I am spurred on in a lot of cases by impulse and that worries me. Will I still be me 5,10,20 years down the line? If I decide later on that I want to live full time female then there's a huge chunk of my life that's missing. I have already in my mind missed out on nearly 30 years of knowing who I really am and in some ways photography is helping that. It helps me track my progress, it's a reminder that however many years down the line Charlotte (I'm going to speak in third person a moment) was here, she is still here, she will always be a part of me and a few snaps taken now will be priceless in the future. I have no pictures of Charlotte with friends for example. 20+ years of her existence has been one of solitude and only now since being more open has she really found honest and true friends. Photography is a way for me to be normal. Some people write songs, create works of art or work selflessly for others, but for me having a physical snapshot of my life going forward is one of the ways that I feel me. In some ways it's a form of therapy.

This wasn't going to be a particularly long piece. I've got another bigger blog coming hopefully at the end of the week. I've sprinkled a few pics throughout the blog. Just to clarify these images have in some way been toyed with in Photoshop. That in no way means the intention of the images have been altered it's mostly some colour grading and brightness changes. If you want some really scary pictures of me all normal and meh then head over to my Twitter @Charlottewbuzz

Transpotting Q&A Session

Last week I asked for questions for my very first Q&A Vlog Session. I had a good number of questions and unfortunately I've had to leave a few out. Not to worry though as I will be saving them for another one in a few months. So here we are, the moment you've all been waiting for...probably.

Vlog: Pillars of Transmisogyny

Hey gang ! So I wasn't sure if I was going to do this. I usually keep out of this stuff because I've never felt confident enough to really talk out loud like this. But here goes anyway. Here's my take on the whole Pillars of Eternity poem and the subsequent fallout from Total Biscuit. I try to remain as impartial as possible. Let me know in the comments how I got on. There's so much more I could have said but hopefully I've done enough.

Vlog: 5 Facts Special

Back with more rubbish from my Youtube page. This time I give you 5 facts about myself.

Vlog Intro

Bonjour everyone !

Well I did it, I've recorded a couple of video logs as mentioned in a previous post. Right now I'm only putting up the intro with the next one going up possibly Monday/Tuesday. So let me know what you think ! If you like my ramblings then remember to subscribe it would really mean a lot to me :)


Charlie xxxx