Unconditional Love.

This Friday sees the release of Shape Shift With Me, the highly anticipated seventh album from Florida punk band Against Me! If you follow me on Twitter, or if you just know me in general  you will know how excited I am for it. I've pre ordered two copies of the Vinyl, the CD and the accompanying merch. My hype level was through the roof. I anxiously awaited every single song reveal, I've even gone as far as to get tickets for a few days on their U.K Tour (Although I will be giving some away very soon).

I'm sure quite a lot of you by now have at least some passing knowledge of the bands lead singer Laura Jane Grace who came out as trans in 2012. Never shy to speak her mind, she has become and inspiration for quite a number of trans people. All this is documented on other blogs however, so why am I telling you all of this? Why am I so incredibly excited to get that album in my hands on the 16th? Because whether the band know it or not they have saved me more times than I care to remember, and that started all the way back in the mid 2000's

By around 2004 I was beginning to get some idea of who I was as a person, although I still had no idea why I felt so uncomfortable in my skin I knew one thing. I really disliked the world around me. I didn't think people were somehow lesser than me, or that I was the only 'smart' one but I did feel like the world was an unjust and scary place. I had begun shall we say 'experimenting' with my identity, I felt like I was some sort of energetic and righteous rebel telling the system where to shove it......looking back I was doing none of that with my MP3 player and school uniform but in my own mind I was like some warrior, it was me against the world. I begun listening to more punk, and in particular I really liked what the Americans were offering. Bands like Anti-Flag, NOFX and their ilk were favourites, in and among that there was this other band. A band which played harder and screamed louder than all the rest. That band was Against Me!

I'll admit I had only heard one or two songs at that point, it's that far back now I can't even remember which they were exactly. But even then this band of anarcho punks had dug their way into my collection where they would never leave. They became part of the soundtrack of my youth.



I started University and in some ways my taste in music began to change. Gone were the bands like Bad Religion and Flogging Molly, in were the AC/DC's and Thin Lizzy's. The people I lived with objected less to Angus Young and as a result that's what I listened to for many years. While in University I began piecing together the reasons why I was unhappy. It was because people weren't seeing me as I saw myself. I couldn't put my finger at it but looking back I knew I was trans, even if I didn't know the right word for it. This is where my private 'dressing up' times were at their most intense. Although in the moment it helped, in the light of day it never made me happy. I still thought though that there was no life outside of this. I thought all I could do was present in private and there were no options. While things seemed far clearer in my younger days listening to punk at obscene volumes. The world become far more confusing and muddier without these bands in my life and I'd like to think that in some ways AM! were a part of earlier clarity.

This would continue until 2012. I still had no idea that trans people existed (It's true!). That was until I saw an article from Rolling Stone a few days after my birthday. This article contained a name and face I recognised. "Oh look" I thought. "That singer from that band I used to like might be the same as me". So I clicked on the article and from that moment on my life completely changed. It felt like for the first time a musician was speaking directly to me. It was if the person on the other side of the page was screaming back "THIS IS SOMETHING, THERE IS NO SHAME IN IT, YOU ARE REAL". And from that moment on I spent days searching for any tiny scraps on the person who we would come to call Laura. At this same time I begun looking into the options available to people like me. Those who never felt right but had no words. No terminology. No clue.

I learned a lot from Laura since then. Terminology, philosophy and a way to make sense of what I was feeling. I begun listening to music from those middle years that I missed. Songs like The Ocean and Searching for a Former Clarity. Those hints had been there but I would never have made sense of them. One thing was clear however, I wasn't going to let this band go.

I think things made more sense in 2014 with the release of what I consider the most important album in my life. Transgender Dysphoria Blues. I remember listening to it on a bus on the way home from work. The rain pouring down the window as the into to Fuck My Life 666 began to play. I thought to myself that there was no point running away from this. I wasn't happy and I needed to figure out how I could find that. I began researching into gender dysphoria, joined a few forums and in the months following I started this blog. All the while it felt like Laura was there beside me. TDB is responsible getting me though the last few years and has become an almost weekly listen.



2014 was also first time I got to see them play live. My brother took me as a surprise gift and he somehow managed to get me to the front. During a particular moment of 'We Laugh at Danger and Break all the Rules' Laura put down her instrument and jumped into the crowd. The crowd went wild and it made me realise something. She is doing her thing, there are hundreds of people here in awe of this person. She clambered down in front of me after surfing the crowd for what felt like forever. The 3 or so people next to me all embraced and Grace joined in. For those few moments there was nobody else around us. Just this little group. We all appreciated and loved eachothers company even for those brief moments. As the band left the stage and the club lights turned back on I turned to my brother. Looked him in the eyes and said something I'd never told anyone

"I think I might be trans"

The bands music had brought me and my brother together more than any other group. And Laura gave me the confidence to tell him who I was.

For the next 2 years Against Me! became a regular backdrop in my car to work, on the train home from nights out. Appearing often on jukeboxes in rock bars and requested at club nights. And when I felt most down, songs like True Trans Soul Rebel were there to pick me back up.

And I've never needed something stable to hold onto more than right now. Since I began getting my transition plans in order I've ran the whole gamut of emotions. I'm now the happiest I've ever been and a lot of that is down to this bands music. However I would be lying if I said this year hasn't been challenging. There are times when I've felt at my loneliest, sometimes feeling like there's nobody in my life I can talk to. But I've had this one constant helping me through it all, the four piece originating from Gainesville.



Nowhere has this helped more than in the last few weeks. There's been a few times recently where I've been unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the frustrating NHS system, the situation with my family and general work woes about being an open trans person in a career that I adore so much. Coming out could spell the end of so many parts of my life, my relationships and my work are all in jeopardy. But during this time a song appeared on my Facebook. A song from a band who has always spoken to me, has always been there and will hopefully be there for many more years. A song that lifted my spirit and got me excited again. Excited for the future, excited for where I'm going and what I can accomplish.  So if anyone from Against Me! reads this. Thank you for so many years of amazing music. Thank you for giving me a purpose and thank you for lifting me up when nothing else could. Keep rockin' and I'll see you in Bristol in December :)

Charlotte xx

February is kind of important

I'm going to do one of those one year retrospective things now so watch out !

February is kind of important for me. February the 12th to be exact. Because that was the day I decided to stop living in denial and fear of who I was. To get out there and try to be the person that I am today. Without this day there wouldn't be this blog and without it I wouldn't have a new found respect and love for my closest friends. Yeah it's Feb 13th today so I'm a day off writing this post but shhh don't tell anyone.

I remember late 2012 when Laura Jane Grace, the incredible singer of Punk band Against Me! was featured in an article for Rolling Stone. In said article she laid her cards on the table and announced to the world she was Trans. There has always been an LGBT element in punk music, most notably the Queercore offshoot, however for the first time I felt a personal connection with a musician. It was as if Laura was speaking directly to me. I'd been a fan of her band for a number of years but my tastes veered off during University. This article felt like a reunion. Last time you spoke to me I knew you as Tom and now as Laura I feel even more connected. I'd always tried to keep both my Male and Female personas separate especially on social media, but after reading I did something I never have before. I posted the article on my personal Facebook page. This was for me the beginning of this whole journey. 

Things went a little quiet through 2013. Focusing more on my education again I let the words of LJG fade into memory. That was until Jan of 2014 when her band released the absolutely incredible Transgender Dysphoria Blues.

What can I say which hasn't already been said other than this is probably the most important album in my entire life. Even though it's been out for just over a year it's influenced and helped me more so than any other piece of music. The entire album is full of hard hitting songs which all in some way speak to me personally. Much like the article it felt like the band had written an entire album just for me. I don't know how many times the album repeated in my Spotify until I finally bought a copy for myself on February the 12th. I could finally take the album wherever I went and it was then that I realised I'd been running from myself.

I was on a bus coming home from work when my iPod shuffled to in my opinion the best song on the album 'fuckmylife666'. "Edgy" name aside it really did for me encapsulate all the frustrations I'd felt being Trans. The album had a definite ark and this was the point where I was in my own life. I got off the bus and walked for a while. I felt it was time to change things in my life. And that's when I decided to not run any more (Not physically I haven't run in years :P) and face up to who I am. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks Laura. You have helped me tackle my own insecurities and have made me proud to be the person I am. You have mentioned in a number of articles you don't like being called a role model and the like but to me your words are the cornerstone of my new Trans life. Charlotte 2.0 or something if you will. You will probably never read this (Unless I spam your Twitter page which I'm SO GOING TO DO) but thanks for everything. 

One year on so much has changed. I have come out to so many people and I'm beginning to understand more about myself. This blog is just one part of that, by writing my life here I hope to inspire and to make sense of everything. 

On another note I managed to see Against Me! during their November tour of the U.K. I've seen some bands in my time but nobody can rock as hard as you ! Even if you stood on my head at one point.

2015: A Preview

So here we are then, 2015. Two Thousand and Fifteen. Two Zero One Five. Dwy Mil a Pymteg (That's sort of Welsh). I'm back refreshed, recharged and ready to show this year who's boss. So taking inspiration from my Facebook friends I'm going to write a little bit about what I have planned this year, both personally and for the blog.

Despite the rather slapdash nature of my blog I am incredibly organised when it comes to my plans moving forward. I'm aware that you have to keep one eye on the future and this year is hopefully when most of my long term plans are going to come together. Above all the normal moving to a new home, making strides to improve in my career etc this is the year that I'm finally going to talk to someone about my Dysphoria in a professional capacity. I.E I'm going to chat with my GP. Now since writing this blog I've discovered a lot about myself and where I think I fit on the Gender Spectrum however it's about time I got the advice from someone who has perhaps seen this sort of thing before. I want to keep you all informed as I go on what's exactly going on there so that's probably going to be an ongoing segment.

Speaking of blog stuff. Although I was on a break from writing I've been building up connections and ties with Trans groups around the web. I want to start building on my Trans Talk Interviews and make that a key component of this blog. The first one was so successful it would be a shame to just do them once in a blue moon. I think I will put out a call for volunteers in the coming weeks and see what sticks. I've got a few events lined up too over the next year. I won't say what they are just yet, I know from past blogs that promising things is never the best idea. When they get closer though I will write the details on here. The hope is I can meet some of you amazing people and share our experiences here on this page. I guess the one I can talk about is Sparkle. A weekend of Trans celebration. With any luck I can do some press related things for the blog so if you are planning to attend and you see a brunette with dip died hair, sporting an Against Me! T-shirt, frantically writing stuff down onto a laptop then come say hello.

The real big plan I have is to incorporate my Film & Video knowledge into the blog. I have extensive film experience and I want to not only produce video content here but eventually shoot a Trans short film. I have a unique gift and it would be amazing to show that. Maybe it will go further and we can get a Transgender entourage to head out to Cannes or Sundance or somewhere. Obviously video content is tricky and time consuming so it's about creating a balance between written and video work. We can use 2015 as a barometer for that.

When will the first real blog of 2015 be published then? Well I'm putting the finishing touches onto one right now and that should be with you next week. Other than that I don't have a specific time and date for everything. It would be awesome if I had a dedicated schedule for things to create consistency but the type of work I do means that stuff can change at a moments notice.

Let's all look forward to 2015. 14 was such a pivotal year for Trans people all over the world and let's see if we can all build on that together.

Charlie xx