I suppose I should
begin with a little back story on how I became the person I am today. First
however I want to preface it with a few points.
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| Probably, Definitely |
I'm going to split this up into two or three smaller chunks over the
next month. I don't want to throw it all out in one big go as a lot of what I
want to say is still quite raw. Even the good times will have a hint of
emotional baggage attached to them so I want to try and let it all out slowly.
Second this story contains quite a number of players, all with different
motivations, feelings and opinion on the Transgender movement as a whole. Some
of them are positive and others less so. I won’t be putting any real names on
here publicly and where possible I will use pseudonyms so we don't end up with
'he said' 'she said' sort of deal. Despite how satisfying it might be to run
the names of the less supportive people through the mud or to promote those who
have helped I don't think it would be wise at this moment. With all that out
the way here's a slightly hazy account of how I became to be Charlotte.
I say became to be because in all honesty it was never something that
occurred to me as a child. I'd love to say that my earliest memories were of
'wanting' to be a girl but really I can't remember any feelings like that
before my mid teens. I'm sure though that a keyboard psychiatrist could link
some of my activities as a child with what would later become 'me'. Thinking
about my group of friends at school, the amount of female company I kept in
comparison to boys is 3 to 1, perhaps even more if I thought even harder.
Coming from a relatively poor area in both wealth and education there was a
definite divide between what boys and girls did in school and I kind of fell
into the latter. I had a much greater interest in what girls had to say and the
activities they played. My first real friend was a girl and that led me to
become acquainted with quote unquote "girls toys". Years later I had
the opportunity to work with children for a brief period of time and I was
fascinated by the greater social mix between the sexes as there was none of
that when I was little. I guess it could be argued that these younger years
informed me as to who I was and let me express that side even if I wasn't fully
aware of it. Or it could be that I came from a socially bankrupt area where
boys did boy things and girls did girl things.
But I digress,
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| Answers on a postcard |
The first earliest vivid memory I have is between 2002 and 2004 while
watching a certain Geordie based comedy (Fans of obscure British programs will
probably guess the show and episode) where a father ends up reuniting with his
trans son (well he plays a drag queen but for sake of me not remembering all
the details trans is the best word for this situation). I had begun to think
that something wasn't quite as it should be in my life. Now I'd moved into
comprehensive school I realised that maybe there was more to it than just me
liking girls more as company. That perhaps there was some underlying reason
that I shied away from most things traditionally male. Looking back, knowing
what we know about gender roles as a social construct it might sound a little
odd but to me it makes perfect sense. I was only aware of these traditional
roles and for some reason I had conditioned myself to fall into them. I was
befriending girls and taking on the norms associated with them because, perhaps
I wasn't supposed to be the boy that I was born as. And like a million
puzzle pieces falling into place I had a sudden awakening. And there on screen
was me. I was that person. And in that brief moment I knew that I was
Charlotte.
These first few months were probably the most hectic part of my
discovery and definitely the most awkward. Unlike the rest of my friends who
had grown over many years into the individuals they were, for me it was almost
as if the 14 years of my life prior to this moment was all for nothing. I had
to relearn everything about myself almost from scratch. What did I have to wear
now? What would I call myself? How the heck does a bra work? I had so many
questions and no real answers. I couldn't exactly walk up to a member of my
family to ask what the best way to apply eyeliner is. I had to go at it alone
for quite some time. The first few attempts were nothing more than me thinking
about these things rather than exploring them. It wasn't until I told a
girlfriend a few years later that I had some form of education. I was a girl
without any knowledge of what it was to be one. Although incredibly exciting it did
have a serious affect on my life in and out of school.
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| I became a fan of these around the same time so blame them ! |
My work most definitely suffered because of it. This sudden realisation
became the focal point of my entire though process for years to come. I became
far more rebellious, mainly down to being a teenager and you know that's what
we do but also as I resented the society and the people who would not let me be
me. I was aware at the time that to come out as Trans would have serious
ramifications on everyone involved. It's a potentially destructive thing even
now. I spent more time trying to think of what I was going to say and do if the
truth ever got out rather than concentrating on maybe doing better in class. At
this point (maybe 16/17) I made some rather stupid decisions and trusted
perhaps the wrong people. Which as we will see in the next blog costed me
dearly.
So that's it for my first about me blog. It's incredibly rough around
the edges but I hope you enjoyed reading part of my story. If you have any
comments or suggestions remember to just drop me a message. I'd love to hear
from you :)
Charlie xx
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