It’s just a few short days until Christmas and with that in
mind I've decided now is the right time to take a small 2 week holiday away
from the computer. I've written two new posts but they won’t be going up until
the New Year. So before I sign off and pig out on beers & turkey I wanted
to just make a small year in review.
This blog is probably the hardest one I've written to date.
I mean, how can I condense an entire year down into a small chunk? Instead of
writing a linear month by month thing I’m going to ramble on incoherently for a
1000 words. No different than usual I guess. On with the show!
I’d decided back at the start of the year I was going to
spend the next 12 months really searching for who I was. I’d spent so long not
facing up to things it had really negative effects on my social and personal life.
It was time to start being the person I always was. The aim has always been
this year to finally come out as a Trans Woman and just let people accept me or
not. If I am accepted then great, if people had a problem then why should I
continue having a relationship with them? It’s been do or die this year and
although I haven’t totally succeeded in my plan of coming out (there are still
lots of people who need telling) I am finally in a position where I can move in
that direction.
If I had to describe 2014 in one word it would be
comfortable. For the first time in forever the pieces of the puzzle are
beginning to slot together. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and say
this is who I am. Why be afraid anymore? It’s not just being comfortable in my
own skin, I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do and have landed
myself a really great job. Despite the odd hours and the stress it brings I
really wouldn't change what I do now for the world and am excited to see what
the future holds.
One of the things I wanted to do this year was to dress as
female me with friends and in public. Slowly at first, I didn't want to just
throw this at them. But over time and several different occasions I finally
plucked up the courage in early October to go full Charlie. I don’t think I've
ever been so scared in my entire life but like I said above it was so natural
and comfortable to be me it was quite a downer when it was all over. I've
discovered that I find huge comfort in being Charlie. Of course I always am
her. She is me. I am her blah blah but when you’re not expressing yourself the
way you want to because you know gender norms etc it can be quite upsetting. After
every public outing or event as Charlie I experienced tremendous days of sadness.
Despite finding myself I feel more lost than ever. I’m going to call it Post
Trans Blues for now and I might write a topic on it in the future.
This could have really crippled me emotionally however I've
taken this feeling and run with it. For one I started this blog. In just over a
month it’s grown into something much bigger than I first expected. I've had
emails and discussions in person with other Tran’s men & women who relate
to the things I post here. This was at first a way for me to vent my feelings
but it’s evolving day by day into a really interesting page if I should say so
myself. I've got a blog checklist as long as my arm right now so we won’t be
starved for content going forward.
What will 2015 hold then? Other than more content I am
hoping to take Charlie on the road. I have plans right now to do video content
to really document my journey. I’m going to also be having my first conversation
with a GP which will lead with any luck to an appointment with the Gender
Identity Clinic, however judging by the waiting line I’ll be retired before I’m
seen.
Before I sign off for the holidays I have a few thanks.
First off, thank you to all my kind readers; you really are the inspiration
behind what I’m doing here. Hopefully in the New Year with some support from
you we can take this small patch on the internet and make it something truly
important. Thank you to all my friends who in the last year have listened to me,
let me open up and on some occasions been a shoulder for me to cry on. You are
the bedrock of my journey and each and every one of you has been there for me
in some way. I won’t name you all here right now but you know who you are!
Thank you finally to my friends in the Trans community. The advice and support
you give is second to none. I honestly love each end every single one of you.
Before I start to tear up again I've enough space left here
to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. To my readers I hope to see you all in
2015. To my friends make sure you get me a nice pint when we are out and to my
Trans friends I wish you all the happiness in the world. I can’t give you
anything for this holiday season but I hope in some way this mess of a blog has
brought you some comfort.
Merry Christmas
Charlie xxxxx
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