February is kind of important

I'm going to do one of those one year retrospective things now so watch out !

February is kind of important for me. February the 12th to be exact. Because that was the day I decided to stop living in denial and fear of who I was. To get out there and try to be the person that I am today. Without this day there wouldn't be this blog and without it I wouldn't have a new found respect and love for my closest friends. Yeah it's Feb 13th today so I'm a day off writing this post but shhh don't tell anyone.

I remember late 2012 when Laura Jane Grace, the incredible singer of Punk band Against Me! was featured in an article for Rolling Stone. In said article she laid her cards on the table and announced to the world she was Trans. There has always been an LGBT element in punk music, most notably the Queercore offshoot, however for the first time I felt a personal connection with a musician. It was as if Laura was speaking directly to me. I'd been a fan of her band for a number of years but my tastes veered off during University. This article felt like a reunion. Last time you spoke to me I knew you as Tom and now as Laura I feel even more connected. I'd always tried to keep both my Male and Female personas separate especially on social media, but after reading I did something I never have before. I posted the article on my personal Facebook page. This was for me the beginning of this whole journey. 

Things went a little quiet through 2013. Focusing more on my education again I let the words of LJG fade into memory. That was until Jan of 2014 when her band released the absolutely incredible Transgender Dysphoria Blues.

What can I say which hasn't already been said other than this is probably the most important album in my entire life. Even though it's been out for just over a year it's influenced and helped me more so than any other piece of music. The entire album is full of hard hitting songs which all in some way speak to me personally. Much like the article it felt like the band had written an entire album just for me. I don't know how many times the album repeated in my Spotify until I finally bought a copy for myself on February the 12th. I could finally take the album wherever I went and it was then that I realised I'd been running from myself.

I was on a bus coming home from work when my iPod shuffled to in my opinion the best song on the album 'fuckmylife666'. "Edgy" name aside it really did for me encapsulate all the frustrations I'd felt being Trans. The album had a definite ark and this was the point where I was in my own life. I got off the bus and walked for a while. I felt it was time to change things in my life. And that's when I decided to not run any more (Not physically I haven't run in years :P) and face up to who I am. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks Laura. You have helped me tackle my own insecurities and have made me proud to be the person I am. You have mentioned in a number of articles you don't like being called a role model and the like but to me your words are the cornerstone of my new Trans life. Charlotte 2.0 or something if you will. You will probably never read this (Unless I spam your Twitter page which I'm SO GOING TO DO) but thanks for everything. 

One year on so much has changed. I have come out to so many people and I'm beginning to understand more about myself. This blog is just one part of that, by writing my life here I hope to inspire and to make sense of everything. 

On another note I managed to see Against Me! during their November tour of the U.K. I've seen some bands in my time but nobody can rock as hard as you ! Even if you stood on my head at one point.

A whole lotta woman !

So I was sitting here earlier. Drinking a lovely decaf coffee while checking my emails and I came across one that has continued to puzzle me. It was a photo comment from another site. Now these usually go no further than "omg u look amazing" or something of that ilk, this one however was something I'd never seen before. Below I've attached the offending article and the comment.

Nice smile but relax more to show your fem side :)

This comment really isn't worth getting worked up about, someone was really just giving me a bit of harmless advice. But the more I think about it the more I wonder what does being more fem mean? How do I be more fem? And what does that have to do with me being happy?

I'm sure we all have our own biases as to what being Female is or isn't. I could ask a million people and we would all have a different answer in some way. Some would say it's a physical thing, others may cite more personality traits. To this writer it would appear that being Female is more of a physical outward thing, and smiling within a photograph (Albeit a highly exaggerated smile) isn't what it's all about.

But am I being really fair there? Am I judging her entire persona on a small 1 line comment left on a fairly innocuous image on a relatively small part of the web. Or is there more to this? Am I being judged on this persons belief that Women have to be super serious or worse..alluring? To be Fem do I have to now fill all my pictures with a come hither wink and a cheeky corner smile?

I'm sure that's not what this user wanted. They simply wanted to give me some pointers on how they think I could be more Female, but that's the thing. Being more Female. I've never tried to be more Female. I have no idea what that means and if someone asked me to try I wouldn't have any idea where to begin. I've had a number of emails and comments from other Women on the Trans spectrum who have asked me how they can quote unquote "Be more convincing" and I have no idea how to respond to that. There is no magic formula or 5 points to success, and really why how can there be? I can see that there is a stigma towards Trans Women looking like 'Men in Drag' and I know that one of the biggest hurdles we have to climb is the do I look good in the stuff I wear but when it's all said and done it doesn't matter. We should be allowed to do and act how we want. And if you feel that the person on the inside is the real you then does it matter how we look on the outside? If I feel that my Female Persona is an overly happy, bubbly individual then that's who I am. Nobody can ever take that away.

Perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones. I have so many Trans friends who look incredible and outdo me at every turn but then I wouldn't say I am bad at what I do (This is the point where you comment omg u look amazing). This could be down to me feeling more comfortable in what I wear and whatever side of the Gender spectrum I happen to be at any given time. I feel normal in my skin and because of this I don't need to really amplify any parts of my Female side. I dress rather plainly and I only use enough makeup to cover more of my masculine features. I guess that's what being more 'Fem' is to me. 

For context the picture was taken the night that I was going to show off Charlie to my friends for the very first time. This image to me represents both happiness and fear. Scared about what people would think but hopeful that it would bring in a new era  for myself. They say a picture tells a thousand worlds and it's clear that even a selfie can be the cause of some debate.

A Transgender Year In Review

It’s just a few short days until Christmas and with that in mind I've decided now is the right time to take a small 2 week holiday away from the computer. I've written two new posts but they won’t be going up until the New Year. So before I sign off and pig out on beers & turkey I wanted to just make a small year in review.

This blog is probably the hardest one I've written to date. I mean, how can I condense an entire year down into a small chunk? Instead of writing a linear month by month thing I’m going to ramble on incoherently for a 1000 words. No different than usual I guess. On with the show!

I’d decided back at the start of the year I was going to spend the next 12 months really searching for who I was. I’d spent so long not facing up to things it had really negative effects on my social and personal life. It was time to start being the person I always was. The aim has always been this year to finally come out as a Trans Woman and just let people accept me or not. If I am accepted then great, if people had a problem then why should I continue having a relationship with them? It’s been do or die this year and although I haven’t totally succeeded in my plan of coming out (there are still lots of people who need telling) I am finally in a position where I can move in that direction.

If I had to describe 2014 in one word it would be comfortable. For the first time in forever the pieces of the puzzle are beginning to slot together. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and say this is who I am. Why be afraid anymore? It’s not just being comfortable in my own skin, I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do and have landed myself a really great job. Despite the odd hours and the stress it brings I really wouldn't change what I do now for the world and am excited to see what the future holds.

One of the things I wanted to do this year was to dress as female me with friends and in public. Slowly at first, I didn't want to just throw this at them. But over time and several different occasions I finally plucked up the courage in early October to go full Charlie. I don’t think I've ever been so scared in my entire life but like I said above it was so natural and comfortable to be me it was quite a downer when it was all over. I've discovered that I find huge comfort in being Charlie. Of course I always am her. She is me. I am her blah blah but when you’re not expressing yourself the way you want to because you know gender norms etc it can be quite upsetting. After every public outing or event as Charlie I experienced tremendous days of sadness. Despite finding myself I feel more lost than ever. I’m going to call it Post Trans Blues for now and I might write a topic on it in the future.

This could have really crippled me emotionally however I've taken this feeling and run with it. For one I started this blog. In just over a month it’s grown into something much bigger than I first expected. I've had emails and discussions in person with other Tran’s men & women who relate to the things I post here. This was at first a way for me to vent my feelings but it’s evolving day by day into a really interesting page if I should say so myself. I've got a blog checklist as long as my arm right now so we won’t be starved for content going forward.

What will 2015 hold then? Other than more content I am hoping to take Charlie on the road. I have plans right now to do video content to really document my journey. I’m going to also be having my first conversation with a GP which will lead with any luck to an appointment with the Gender Identity Clinic, however judging by the waiting line I’ll be retired before I’m seen.

Before I sign off for the holidays I have a few thanks. First off, thank you to all my kind readers; you really are the inspiration behind what I’m doing here. Hopefully in the New Year with some support from you we can take this small patch on the internet and make it something truly important. Thank you to all my friends who in the last year have listened to me, let me open up and on some occasions been a shoulder for me to cry on. You are the bedrock of my journey and each and every one of you has been there for me in some way. I won’t name you all here right now but you know who you are! Thank you finally to my friends in the Trans community. The advice and support you give is second to none. I honestly love each end every single one of you.

Before I start to tear up again I've enough space left here to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. To my readers I hope to see you all in 2015. To my friends make sure you get me a nice pint when we are out and to my Trans friends I wish you all the happiness in the world. I can’t give you anything for this holiday season but I hope in some way this mess of a blog has brought you some comfort.

Merry Christmas

Charlie xxxxx