6 Month Update

I couldn't have picked the worst time to have a blog break......

Thanks everyone for the responses to my last vlog on gender discovery. I was honestly shocked with the reception to it. After I made that post I decided it would be quite nice to take a few days off, to recharge my batteries and interact with the community I love so dearly. I took to Twitter and had some fascinating discussions about politics and identity. I've been trawling through the depths of the web meeting people (virtually of course) and just generally making myself a whole lot richer as a person (mentally of course). Since that last post however it's been a series of up and downs, for every amazing experience I've had there's been something terrible along the way. This was also the 6 month anniversary of the blog, so consider this post an anniversary/what has Charlie been doing update.

After I posted that last vlog I kicked back. Opened a can of beer and begun a little Twitter trawl. This was just after the conviction of Michael Johnson. A 23 year old who was convicted of exposing others to HIV. He did not declare his HIV positive status with any of his sexual partners and as a result received a life sentence. Now this is definitely not the place for a discussion on the criminalisation of HIV however it was something I wanted to pose to others. I consider myself a very central person when it comes to these sorts of debates. I want to see both sides of an argument and generally be a middle ground for both sides. I did something similar with my Pillars of Eternity vid from a few weeks back. So I followed it up in another corner of the web to see if maybe, just maybe a dialogue could form. What I did not suspect however was a barrage of insults.

I won't get into the details of what happened past this point. The worst thing anyone can do is to keep that going but I would like to just point out that anyone who has to rely on physical violence or derogatory language to get their point across is simply not worth bothering with. There are many videos and advice pieces online on how to deal with these people but implore you if people act in this manner report and ignore. Never feed. I've found that not having a stance is in someways like having one, and people will always twist the message as a way of feeling like they are the ones being attacked. It's genuinely quite fascinating to watch people bend what you say or to take certain sections of your argument and blow them out of proportion. This couldn't have come at a more perfect of moments as I was dealing with some other fallout on one of my vlogs. So that was a fun weekend.

From something negative to something positive, last week was the 6 month anniversary of my blog. And in the last few months I can't tell you how happy I am with the community of friends I've built since starting this page. The blog is growing rapidly and I am constantly surprised with the reception it has had. Some of you who visit have gone from strangers to acquaintances to close friends. I've become far more confident in myself and a lot more open. I've shared with you some of the most intimate parts of my life and even let you experience the soothing sounds of my voice. I've gone out and done things I would never have imagined and it's all down to you, the weekly reader who visits and shares what I have to say. I find that I want to experience new things and tell you about them. You are all in some way a part of my life now and in some ways this page has changed me for the better. I will continue to for as long as possible keep updating this blog and keep supporting you, the same way that you support me.

Now onto the juicy stuff !

So this weekend I went on my second night out as woman me. Out to the gorgeous city of Bristol for a night of dance, drink and...urm...something else beginning with a D...NO NOT THAT !

It was a night of firsts much like the last. This was the first time that I'd gone to somewhere unfamiliar as a woman. This was new ground for both male and female me so that was a tad scary. However I must praise the amazing people of Bristol for being both open and supportive. Not once was I treated as anything other than a woman. Nobody stopped to stare. Nobody made a comment (At least not to me) and I will definitely say that the city is far more supportive than I thought. That may not be the case for everyone but from my experience Bristol gets two thumbs up for being trans inclusive. 

But wait there's more !

I broke through two huge barriers this weekend. The first was..now wait for it...I finally got over my fear of the female toilets. After months of being scared (And a blog post justifying why I couldn't use them) I said to myself "You know, maybe I should just go and do it". And you know what? It was fine. It was great. It was exactly what I thought it would be like but for some reason had convinced myself otherwise. I was welcomed the same as any other woman who needed to at the end of the day use the loo. I've heard so many horror stories from others and it saddens me that bad things happen to us as a group on a daily basis but, hopefully this can be a little boost for people to do what makes them feel most comfortable. 

My second barrier is family related. Some of you know my situation when it comes to being openly trans. I am sort of but then there are others I like to keep it from right now. Being genderfluid means that I can in some way keep things away from others until I am good and ready but it does make things awfully awkward at times. This weekend however I finally broke through one of my fears and invited my brother along. I told him about my gender identity a while ago but as of this weekend hadn't seen so much as a picture. Instead of warning him and building it up I simply invited him along (Living in the area makes things easier for him) and then I was just there, take it or leave it. And I've never felt so happy in all my life. We didn't make a thing about it, we just had a couple of drinks like any brother and sister should. Oh god sister, that's a weird thing to say out loud. He took to the pronoun changes great though and never once felt the need to ask any awkward questions. We both got probably a bit to intoxicated for our own goods. Had the greatest hug of my life and then went our separate ways for the evening. 

I mentioned no less than a few lines ago that I found Bristol to be very trans inclusive. It isn't however totally free of people you just want to kick in the teeth. This is not a criticism of a city that I love dearly but of a much larger international problem, and that is the attention you may receive from the opposite gender. Namely the inability for guys to take no for an answer.

Let me explain.

I was approached by the same person on a number of different occasions while I danced, while I was at the bar and while outside. He was the typical sort. Loud, drunk and smelling of lager with a hint of Lynx Africa. The perfect gentlemen. Now I was perfectly polite the first 1000 times he approached me. But after being physically touched by this person I did loose it a little with him. It wasn't anywhere private, just my side. However it was still a thing I didn't want happening so you know I feel I was within my right to berate him a little. In the cold light of day the next morning, sipping a large coffee on the seated area outside a Wetherspoons (classy) I got to thinking. I thought about the times I've been out with other females and have had to put up with this sort of situation. I've been annoyed but now I can empathise in some way with what people have to put up with. It also got me thinking about myself physically.

To have someone be that determined, especially in a room full of other Women must have meant only a few things. Either he was just trying it with everyone, doing it for a laugh, or he genuinely found some aspect of me attractive. Ignoring the first and second option for now (Because I'm vain) leaves us with the third. Did he really find me in some way attractive? Was there something I did or was doing physically that made me so devilishly irresistible. What was that and why do I want to know so much?  Well it's because it made me feel more out of touch with my body than ever before. He may have genuinely thought I was physically female which yeah you still shouldn't be acting that way, but what if he found the notion of someone having quote unquote 'male stuff' going on underneath. "I can get on that but it's not gay because he likes to be a woman". He didn't say that, I'm just assuming because I'm horrible. But what I'm trying to get at is I could have been 'picked' by this person because of that one feature and it has really put me out of sorts. I guess we will never find out, he stopped at some point after I went and hid behind one of my friends. He was just not up for a fight with one of my besties for my hand it appears.

And there we go. We are all caught up on the events over the last fortnight. It's been quite eventful I must admit. I'll be back in a few days with even more tales of excitement but until then I'd just like to thank all of you for visiting my page and being super amazing people.

I love you all !

Charlotte