Grab your hair you've pulled

[TW - Transphobia, assault]

Despite feeling like I've aged about 30 years recently (thanks work) I still love going out on the weekend, I'm not a huge 'clubbing' person although I have found a few relatively inclusive bars and clubs that have kept me kind of safe since I started publicly presenting as female.

That kind of changed this weekend.

What happened may not sound on the outset like a particularly scary or new thing. Most of the people I've spoken to have experienced the same and in most cases far worse than what I've had. I don't want this to sound like a woe is me section when there are events that happen almost daily to trans people which eclipse this, after giving it some thought however I feel it's important to get this story out there. Even the smallest of incidents can have a profound effect on the rest of your life.

Anyway as you know this Saturday was Halloween, now this is probably my favourite annual event/day. Some people love Christmas, others love birthdays. But for me there's nothing better than the terrible commercialisation of modern Halloween. It's the worst, the tacky costumes, the awful films that end up on the TV. The insistence of every drinking establishment play both Ghostbusters and The Time Warp. It's terrible but I love it.

What was I saying? Oh yeah....

I try and make it a tradition to dress up as something for Halloween, but since I started presenting in public last November I've not had a chance to celebrate my favourite time of the year as me. I wanted to for now just go out as normal ass me. No costumes, not covered in fake blood and stuff. Just boring old regular Charlotte, so that's what I did.

Where I live has shall we say, a lively club scene. It's rarely empty on the weekends and nights like these are more manic than ever, I should have maybe thought about that a little more when thinking about where to go. I'm not a bar hopper sort of person. I pick a few, safe places and visit those (Usually free ones because I don't want to spend money to stand in a building with others :P). One of these places is supposedly an LGBT friendly bar. This bar does have some trans people on it's payroll last time I checked and it holds regular drag performances (For the record I'm not equating drag acts with trans people, simply stating that this particular bar has this sort of stuff going on). I honestly thought that, somewhere like this could at least make me feel welcome and safe. I should have known though that these places are far from trans inclusive when it comes to it's clientele.

Now, like everyone one else here. Sometimes I need to use the loo. It's just something that we all have to deal with, and being trans does pose it's own set of issues. This isn't the time or place to go into those because this isn't a WHERE DO I PEE blog. I know where I feel safest and that is in the womens (contrary to a blog a year ago where I felt like I wasn't ready to make that leap). Being genderfluid holds it's own set of issues though, since I present as two genders it can often feel like I'm doing something wrong by using a loo that fits the current gender that I am. I haven't started down the transition path yet, I'm still in the eyes of some people a guy who presents in the opposite gender. I try and put that to the back of my mind when out and if the occasion arises where I have to use the loo, I get in and out. No fuss, no bother. This time however it wasn't so easy. Being full of hen parties means that using the loo is like a fight for survival. If the hunger games was about a group of people fighting to use the one remaining toilet in a tacky nightclub then I think I'd be more interested. Well anyway polite as I am I let people go before blah blah blah, then it's my turn. Lock the door. DO MY THING. Instead of feeling safe however all I received was a load of abuse from outside. I'm not going to detail exactly what was being said but just know that it was horrible. Fortunately a group came to my defense and told them where to stick it. Shaken up I sat there for quite some time considering what my next move was going to be. I decided to try and shrug it off and just go back to enjoying myself, I was going to have a great time no matter what.

Well.....

Growing a bit weary of the bar I wanted to move on to somewhere else. It was getting on and I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Before going however I had to try and round up my friends who have this habit of doing their own thing on nights out, I have no problem with that obviously, what happened while I was rounding them up was the problem.

While moving my way across the dance floor I was, well there's no real way of putting this nicely. I was grabbed by a guy. He must have been like a million feet tall, either that or what he did made me feel like the smallest person in the world. He put his one arm in front of me stopping me from passing and pulled at my hair with his other. Regular readers will know that my gorgeous bangs aren't the work of my own but from a shop. Because of the work I'm in and also the need to present as two genders I keep my real hair short and then change between different hair styles as female. It works for me right now and it means I can change my look often. Well anyway as you can imagine having hair not attached to your actual cranium doesn't hurt when pulled but it does remove it. In the middle of a dance floor, in front of what felt like millions of people. I had my hair pulled off. Why? Well in this persons words.

"Mate, I wanted to check and see if you were a man or a chick"

And in that one moment, years of building and growth were instantly shattered. I felt weak, I felt like I was attacked for wanting to look a way I feel best represents me. I felt like I was something else.

I felt like a man.

And this has really hit me you know? I mean, it's not the worst thing that has happened to me. I've faced abuse before and have tackled it one way or the other. This time however I felt powerless, this person took every ounce of safety and power from me without a single fuck for my feelings. This person clearly felt that it was important to discover what my actual gender was through physical interaction. Perhaps they were confused, perhaps they kind of fancied me. Who knows ? What I do know is it's really shaken me to my core.

My confidence was shattered to such an extent I hid in the gents toilets and broke down I'd decided in that moment that this entire thing, being openly trans was not worth it. I was legitimately thinking to myself I should just quit while I had the chance. Since being more open I've felt sometimes like things have gotten away from me a little. I really do need to feel in control of my own life and sometimes, if for example I bump into someone I know who wasn't aware that can cause problems, and the need to watch my every move just in case something bad may happen. All these things snowballed together into one massive lump of fear within me, and I just couldn't face it.

So there I was, few hours later. I'd not even attempted to get involved with the rest of my night out. I decided instead to sit by myself for a while outside in the little smoking area in the next bar we were at, thinking about what I was going to do next when my friends came out. Stood alongside me and chatted. I told them that I was feeling like giving things up, I could handle hurting myself if that meant nobody else could. Then my friend said something which made me think. It wasn't anything profound, just a few short words.

"You need to be you".

And you know what? He is right. Why should I hurt myself because of others? Why should I fear what people might think and do when the other alternative is to suppress my own feelings. I am me, I am Charlotte. And no meat head arse hole who gives comment or touches my person is going to change that. He can think I'm a man all he wants. But in doing so shows how little a man they really are

This is me, and nobody should get in the way of that.

An open letter to my man

Dude, we need to talk.

This past year has been such a difficult journey for me. Like, I know you know how I feel.But, and this may sound weird. I don't think either of us fully grasps the other. I've wanted to speak to you for quite some time. I'm having to be a different person when all I can focus on is the pain that it's causing. I can't control these emotions any more than you can. But we need to come to some sort of arrangement.

I saw you a few weeks ago, staring back at me. The beard, the clothes. That wasn't me, we needed to change something. So we did. We removed the shackles of having to be a guy and we became me. And it was great, I was happy for a little while. It all came to an end though when you came back, to come stare at me again. "Why are you wearing a skirt? Why do you have makeup on? This isn't you is it?"

It's hurtful, those comments can cause serious pain. And the worst part about all of this is those comments came from me. I said those things to myself. We stood there and categorically decided in that one moment that I was being foolish for expressing my identity.

This isn't the first time that it's happened, I've been equally as vindictive and spiteful against you. Sometimes I really hate how you are. Like why are we inhabiting this same space? You are there saying all these things and pretending to be this person when we both know that in the moment that isn't us. But sometimes it is, very briefly I see us and think. Fuck, if we could just focus on being how we are right now maybe things might not be so bad. And for a moment I fool myself into thinking that if you win then we will be ok. We both know however that things don't work that way. These two genders occupy the same space, and both have a legitimate right to be expressed.

We need to stick up for ourselves more. When you hear those comments from people who think you are all that there is about us. When they dissect and make comment about the trans community, yet we remain silent. Scared that this could lead to an outburst, it has happened before. We almost lost someone we care for so dearly because of this. And I still sit there and get choked up over it. We lock away those emotions and it never goes well, after so long the pressure cooker explodes and it always leads to blow back on us. If only people could understand that the exterior you give off isn't always you, and being able to safely express yourself would lead to more positive outcomes.

I'm calmer when I know that whenever the feelings change, we can transition from either identity. In the long run there isn't two people here. We are the same person, but it's obvious that sometimes it feels that way. That needs to stop, I need to stop doing it. We both need to stop doing it.

So, what am I actually saying? Perhaps it's time we tried to work together. It has always felt like it's me against you. You are an ass and I can be a bit of a bitch to you. Let's just not from now on is it?

Let's leave the closet in the next year.

Genderfluidity Month Intro

So, urm...HEY EVERYONE

Today is the first day of October, so you know what that means? I'm dedicating an entire month to something that is really important to my gender identity journey, by talking about the identity that I feel best describes me.

Why am I doing this then you all ask ? Well I talk quite a lot on this page about my experiences being female and how those experiences relate to her. As in me. As in..well yeah see that's the thing. G.F is such a complicated and fuzzy thing that I wanted to let you all in on how that feels. Some of the frustrations and how I cope with having essentially two genders.

What will I be talking about then? I've got a few little topics planned,next week I will be doing another vlog on how being genderfluid has been both a positive and negative experience. I will talk about labels soon and how I feel those can be a double edged sword. I want to (if I can) get someone on here to guest write, and maybe (if your lucky) you will get to hear more from the side of my gender identity that never really appears here all that often.

I'll be trying some new things that I haven't done before with my writing. So hopefully it will be at least interesting and informative. As for my Twitter I will try and post as many links and resources about this subject throughout the month. So if you don't already follow me there should be a link somewhere on this page. Maybe I'll even make a little #genderfluidmonth hashtag just so you can find whatever I post.

Check back in a few days (When I'm not working my socks off) to see what I have planned

Charlie xxx

Ground control to Major Tom

I'm sure some of you (by that I mean none of you) have begun wondering why I've not posted in just over a month. Since my last blog I've been super quiet here and despite having some of my most viewed posts since the blog started I've failed to keep up the momentum. So why is that ? Well I'll explain below.

First of all I've wanted to take a little break and recharge my writing batteries again. In the first 6 months I really did go through most of the topics I wanted to talk about and since joining Twitter I've found a whole new host of things to talk about. Up until April most of my posts were personal, I commented on my own experiences however since finding a bigger audience I've started speaking about the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. With that exposure does come some criticism which definitely does put a damper on things but more than that I want to feel like I can answer any detractors in an educated way, hence why I've been taking time away to learn as much as I can. I have some content ready to go on the recent Stonewall movie controversy but I want to make 100% sure it's ready to go before I post it.

Secondly I've been having some really awful times with my identity this summer. That's despite being more open and exposed than ever. You see although I call myself trans for ease of discussion I am in actual fact more gender fluid. Be that for work purposes or whatever my identity is not fixed and I do find myself going back and forth between two people. That's a really simplistic way of putting it but maybe it's something I can expand on in the future. I don't control when this happens and as a result it has an impact on my blog and me personally. When I'm in this mid point I tend to be far more aggressive and frustrated which leads me to do silly things like delete a whole bunch of people from my Facebook because 'lol it's funny'. This also means that I find less topics to write about and have less enthusiasm for what I do. 

Will I come back soon? Most definitely ! I have some interesting things I want to talk about very soon, for now though I just need this time to myself. 

I hope to be back in the next few weeks with a few topics on genderfluidity, what it's like and perhaps get the perspective of other genderfluid people. So until then I love you all and I'll speak to you soon.

Charlie xx

6 Month Update

I couldn't have picked the worst time to have a blog break......

Thanks everyone for the responses to my last vlog on gender discovery. I was honestly shocked with the reception to it. After I made that post I decided it would be quite nice to take a few days off, to recharge my batteries and interact with the community I love so dearly. I took to Twitter and had some fascinating discussions about politics and identity. I've been trawling through the depths of the web meeting people (virtually of course) and just generally making myself a whole lot richer as a person (mentally of course). Since that last post however it's been a series of up and downs, for every amazing experience I've had there's been something terrible along the way. This was also the 6 month anniversary of the blog, so consider this post an anniversary/what has Charlie been doing update.

After I posted that last vlog I kicked back. Opened a can of beer and begun a little Twitter trawl. This was just after the conviction of Michael Johnson. A 23 year old who was convicted of exposing others to HIV. He did not declare his HIV positive status with any of his sexual partners and as a result received a life sentence. Now this is definitely not the place for a discussion on the criminalisation of HIV however it was something I wanted to pose to others. I consider myself a very central person when it comes to these sorts of debates. I want to see both sides of an argument and generally be a middle ground for both sides. I did something similar with my Pillars of Eternity vid from a few weeks back. So I followed it up in another corner of the web to see if maybe, just maybe a dialogue could form. What I did not suspect however was a barrage of insults.

I won't get into the details of what happened past this point. The worst thing anyone can do is to keep that going but I would like to just point out that anyone who has to rely on physical violence or derogatory language to get their point across is simply not worth bothering with. There are many videos and advice pieces online on how to deal with these people but implore you if people act in this manner report and ignore. Never feed. I've found that not having a stance is in someways like having one, and people will always twist the message as a way of feeling like they are the ones being attacked. It's genuinely quite fascinating to watch people bend what you say or to take certain sections of your argument and blow them out of proportion. This couldn't have come at a more perfect of moments as I was dealing with some other fallout on one of my vlogs. So that was a fun weekend.

From something negative to something positive, last week was the 6 month anniversary of my blog. And in the last few months I can't tell you how happy I am with the community of friends I've built since starting this page. The blog is growing rapidly and I am constantly surprised with the reception it has had. Some of you who visit have gone from strangers to acquaintances to close friends. I've become far more confident in myself and a lot more open. I've shared with you some of the most intimate parts of my life and even let you experience the soothing sounds of my voice. I've gone out and done things I would never have imagined and it's all down to you, the weekly reader who visits and shares what I have to say. I find that I want to experience new things and tell you about them. You are all in some way a part of my life now and in some ways this page has changed me for the better. I will continue to for as long as possible keep updating this blog and keep supporting you, the same way that you support me.

Now onto the juicy stuff !

So this weekend I went on my second night out as woman me. Out to the gorgeous city of Bristol for a night of dance, drink and...urm...something else beginning with a D...NO NOT THAT !

It was a night of firsts much like the last. This was the first time that I'd gone to somewhere unfamiliar as a woman. This was new ground for both male and female me so that was a tad scary. However I must praise the amazing people of Bristol for being both open and supportive. Not once was I treated as anything other than a woman. Nobody stopped to stare. Nobody made a comment (At least not to me) and I will definitely say that the city is far more supportive than I thought. That may not be the case for everyone but from my experience Bristol gets two thumbs up for being trans inclusive. 

But wait there's more !

I broke through two huge barriers this weekend. The first was..now wait for it...I finally got over my fear of the female toilets. After months of being scared (And a blog post justifying why I couldn't use them) I said to myself "You know, maybe I should just go and do it". And you know what? It was fine. It was great. It was exactly what I thought it would be like but for some reason had convinced myself otherwise. I was welcomed the same as any other woman who needed to at the end of the day use the loo. I've heard so many horror stories from others and it saddens me that bad things happen to us as a group on a daily basis but, hopefully this can be a little boost for people to do what makes them feel most comfortable. 

My second barrier is family related. Some of you know my situation when it comes to being openly trans. I am sort of but then there are others I like to keep it from right now. Being genderfluid means that I can in some way keep things away from others until I am good and ready but it does make things awfully awkward at times. This weekend however I finally broke through one of my fears and invited my brother along. I told him about my gender identity a while ago but as of this weekend hadn't seen so much as a picture. Instead of warning him and building it up I simply invited him along (Living in the area makes things easier for him) and then I was just there, take it or leave it. And I've never felt so happy in all my life. We didn't make a thing about it, we just had a couple of drinks like any brother and sister should. Oh god sister, that's a weird thing to say out loud. He took to the pronoun changes great though and never once felt the need to ask any awkward questions. We both got probably a bit to intoxicated for our own goods. Had the greatest hug of my life and then went our separate ways for the evening. 

I mentioned no less than a few lines ago that I found Bristol to be very trans inclusive. It isn't however totally free of people you just want to kick in the teeth. This is not a criticism of a city that I love dearly but of a much larger international problem, and that is the attention you may receive from the opposite gender. Namely the inability for guys to take no for an answer.

Let me explain.

I was approached by the same person on a number of different occasions while I danced, while I was at the bar and while outside. He was the typical sort. Loud, drunk and smelling of lager with a hint of Lynx Africa. The perfect gentlemen. Now I was perfectly polite the first 1000 times he approached me. But after being physically touched by this person I did loose it a little with him. It wasn't anywhere private, just my side. However it was still a thing I didn't want happening so you know I feel I was within my right to berate him a little. In the cold light of day the next morning, sipping a large coffee on the seated area outside a Wetherspoons (classy) I got to thinking. I thought about the times I've been out with other females and have had to put up with this sort of situation. I've been annoyed but now I can empathise in some way with what people have to put up with. It also got me thinking about myself physically.

To have someone be that determined, especially in a room full of other Women must have meant only a few things. Either he was just trying it with everyone, doing it for a laugh, or he genuinely found some aspect of me attractive. Ignoring the first and second option for now (Because I'm vain) leaves us with the third. Did he really find me in some way attractive? Was there something I did or was doing physically that made me so devilishly irresistible. What was that and why do I want to know so much?  Well it's because it made me feel more out of touch with my body than ever before. He may have genuinely thought I was physically female which yeah you still shouldn't be acting that way, but what if he found the notion of someone having quote unquote 'male stuff' going on underneath. "I can get on that but it's not gay because he likes to be a woman". He didn't say that, I'm just assuming because I'm horrible. But what I'm trying to get at is I could have been 'picked' by this person because of that one feature and it has really put me out of sorts. I guess we will never find out, he stopped at some point after I went and hid behind one of my friends. He was just not up for a fight with one of my besties for my hand it appears.

And there we go. We are all caught up on the events over the last fortnight. It's been quite eventful I must admit. I'll be back in a few days with even more tales of excitement but until then I'd just like to thank all of you for visiting my page and being super amazing people.

I love you all !

Charlotte 

Vlog : Bullying, Bandits and Bad Times

Triggers: Suicide, Self Harm, Bullying. This is a really difficult on this week, I talk about some really heavy stuff and hopefully do it justice. Let me know in the comments your thoughts etc etc etc

Selfierapy

Last week I mentioned briefly about some of the tactics I employ to cope with my struggles with gender identity. I spoke about using photography as a form of expression and some of the misconceptions surrounding why I use it. That discussion is in the past, what I do want to talk about however is how I started taking pictures, why I use photography as expression and how it has benefited me in the long run.

I've been a photographer for a number of years. Although I have mostly worked within moving image, particularly short films. I've found that I have a natural eye for taking pictures. As a result I've had a number of my photographs used in print from newspapers to magazines. I enjoy nothing more than getting up early with a camera, taking a lazy walk up to the hills surrounding my home and snapping away at what I find. It's a part of my life however I want to keep away from the blog for now. This has always been Charlie's place and anything that crosses the boundary between her and male me I prefer to not expose. What I am willing to expose though is my love for self photography.

Much like any introspective art form, self photography can be an amazing way to express your true feelings. The more of yourself you put into any project, the more alive it feels and you can't get much more yourself than physically being in the piece. I first started toying with the idea when I purchased a new DSLR a few years back. Having a rotating screen and wireless shutter control mean that I could control what happens in the image and with that I found that I really enjoyed creating pieces of myself.

It may sound incredibly vain but...well yeah it actually is. But vanity is not something in my opinion you should be ashamed of. My priorities are in the right place, my work means that usually I am the last person I think about on a day to day basis therefore taking the time out for me is incredibly relaxing. There is nothing wrong with being proud of who you are and this is just one way that I express that, and more importantly it's going to mean something in the long run.

I don't know one day to the next what will happen. Gender identity makes it so that I live more often than not in the now. I am spurred on in a lot of cases by impulse and that worries me. Will I still be me 5,10,20 years down the line? If I decide later on that I want to live full time female then there's a huge chunk of my life that's missing. I have already in my mind missed out on nearly 30 years of knowing who I really am and in some ways photography is helping that. It helps me track my progress, it's a reminder that however many years down the line Charlotte (I'm going to speak in third person a moment) was here, she is still here, she will always be a part of me and a few snaps taken now will be priceless in the future. I have no pictures of Charlotte with friends for example. 20+ years of her existence has been one of solitude and only now since being more open has she really found honest and true friends. Photography is a way for me to be normal. Some people write songs, create works of art or work selflessly for others, but for me having a physical snapshot of my life going forward is one of the ways that I feel me. In some ways it's a form of therapy.

This wasn't going to be a particularly long piece. I've got another bigger blog coming hopefully at the end of the week. I've sprinkled a few pics throughout the blog. Just to clarify these images have in some way been toyed with in Photoshop. That in no way means the intention of the images have been altered it's mostly some colour grading and brightness changes. If you want some really scary pictures of me all normal and meh then head over to my Twitter @Charlottewbuzz

Transpotting Q&A Session

Last week I asked for questions for my very first Q&A Vlog Session. I had a good number of questions and unfortunately I've had to leave a few out. Not to worry though as I will be saving them for another one in a few months. So here we are, the moment you've all been waiting for...probably.

Terms & Conditions May Apply

Like many of my posts recently this has been inspired by stuff I've seen around me. It doesn't come from personal experience but from reading comments and posts from friends. This week we are going to talk about the word trans & why we may or may not want to use it.

For the record I've only really embraced the word in the last year. I've never found any of the terms to really represent me. So many of them are specific to each individuals situation or lifestyle and since I'm still finding my way it's been difficult to find the right one. Trans however is just a blanket term which I feel we can all embrace one way or the other. There are those however who buck the trend and unfortunately get a lot of negativity because of this.

Apparently this person can't call herself female

I've seen quite a number of friends who I would initially have called trans throw away that moniker and instead call themselves quite simply women. Regardless of where you are on the gender Spectrum having the courage to identify as who you are is fantastic and I love them because of this. Being able to express your true feelings is incredibly difficult and I'm ever so proud of those women who don't feel they need to add this extra caveat at the front. It's just unfortunate that there are people out there who don't see it that way. Even worse when it comes from inside the trans community.

Most of the comments point at the individuals current physical body, in particular if they have begun the process of transitioning. The focus on the 'sex' instead of gender is perhaps a conversation for another time but I'll continue. Now for a lot of us having surgery and expensive therapy is not an option, so why do we make up such arbitrary rules for when someone can call themselves a woman? I've been told it's because underneath in the physical sense they are still Male. Not only is that comment naive as all hell it's also way too focused on the individuals Genitalia, you know that thing Feminists such as myself stand against. There's more to Males and Females than what they have going on underneath so to focus on that one thing shows a complete lack of understanding and only enforces the belief that women can only be women if they can for example give birth. Which isn't really fair since there are thousands of individuals who won't ever experience that. There's a huge fascination with what's going on underneath with trans women. That's why trans related adult material is such large market. And we need to perhaps begin focusing on not what we have in the physical sense but what we have going on in our heads.

I've also been told that it's deceitful to call yourself a woman when you are trans. As if you are out to trap unaware Men with your amazing ability to look like the opposite sex. If you want to read more about this then I suggest finding a copy of Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. In it she has a section on the belief that trans women are out to be deceitful and she does a far better job than I ever could. But it simply is not the case. You aren't calling yourself a woman to lure people back to your trans den before whipping your junk out. Although there are definitely some aspects of the community who would perhaps engage in such activities it is not a true reflection of us as a whole.

That person is me

So what it means then is we are women with terms & conditions. We may use the word but we also have to preface it with a large warning. WE MAY BE MEN UNDERNEATH SO WATCH OUT. The worst part is I've seen this attitude come from the trans community. A good friend of mine was told that she has no right to call herself a woman while she has no breasts and should instead call herself a Man. But who has the authority on what you can be called? If you want to call yourself trans then do it. If you want to be called a woman do it. There should be nothing stopping you, especially from the community that should have your back the most. This attitude only serves to emotionally cripple an individual and stop them from being their true self. I've found that I now use trans more because of this. When I use that term it feels like I am giving people a slight heads up which doesn't help anyone. It doesn't make me feel like I could ever be that person that I sometimes want to be. If I decide to begin living my life as a woman it would be a long time before I can make any sort of moves on transitioning so up until that moment am I not to call myself who I am? Am I not a real woman until I have all the bits and pieces in the right place? If we have people within our own community who feel that way it goes to show we have further to go than I first thought

As always I appreciate all your feedback. If you want to see more of the rubbish I write then remember to follow me on Twitter @Charlottewbuzz and if you could then subscribe to me on Youtube www.youtube.com/c/CharlotteWilliamsBuzz

 

Does it offend you?

Oh boy this should be fun !

Since starting this blog I've tried to tune myself in to what's going on around me. Near enough everything I write comes from some sort of personal experience and keeping my ears close to the ground means I pick up on a lot more things than I used to. I've become more aware of conversations and comments about the Transgender community. Sometimes these can be really positive. For example I had a fascinating conversation this week about the changing attitudes to Trans people but of course there's always someone ready to make comment.

This story begins with a conversation I overheard a few days ago. The topic was about a person/friend of theirs who had recently come out as Trans, unfortunately the conversation was not about how incredibly brave that person is, or how they need to show support and help her through things. No it was about how much she didn't subjectively 'Look like a Woman' and they would support her more if she had introduced it slowly rather than all at once....

...As you can imagine that annoyed me quite a lot.

Because I am admittedly a bit of a coward when it comes to public confrontation I sat away from them and tried to turn what they said off. But I just couldn't. That's why being the amazing Trans Hero/ine that I am (Read: Coward). I'm going to rant about it here.

First of all what is this obsession we all have with having to look more Female? I talked about this a few weeks ago after facing criticism for not having a Feminine enough smile (Read Here) and I'm sure a lot of you have had these experiences. "Wear this it will make you look girly". "You need more makeup to hide your masculinity". It just don't work like that I'm afraid. We aren't blessed with the same features and as such it's never going to be a 100% match. I've had enough comments about how feminine I look to swell anyone's ego but I'm still aware that I'm not totally 'pulling it off'. That's not the point though. The point is no matter how we look it's what's on the inside that counts. If you are any sort of friend you should be encouraging and complimenting her. You don't even have to lie about it. Sorry to sound like an Instagram photo but everyone is beautiful in some capacity and you should make sure you do your best to make people like that. The fact you have to comment on someone else's physical appearance only shows me that you have some deep seeded insecurities over your own. Fix that and show people some respect in the future is it people?

Second point what gives anyone the right to dictate how and when someone should express themselves? Telling someone that they should introduce themselves 'slowly' so that others can get used to it shows that you have no understanding of how it feels to live like that. The only person that matters in this instance is the person who has bravely decided to step out publicly as themselves. And you should make fucking sure you become part of the bedrock of their life. Embrace that person and treat them the same. That person has been Trans for probably most of their life and they are the same as always so just be good to them.

I find more and more we have to apologise for being more on the scene than ever. I ask others who are around me if they would be ok with me being Charlie in front of them. Would they be offended or freaked out if I was and when I am I often give people far more leniency than I should with pronouns and names. We all slip up from time to time which is fine but I find that even I say "You can call me whatever name you want I don't mind", but I really do mind. Why do I still let people get away with saying and commenting about my life both physically and mentally as if they are in control? Because of comments like you see above, because I am so used to people dictating my Trans life that it's almost as if I need the permission of the world and to do it on their terms.

Well you know what. We should not have to deal with that. Nobody should tell us what we can and can't do. Nobody should think it's fine to put others down and make up the rules when it comes to our expression. If I want to go out glammed up to the nines then I expect people to be fine with that. If you feel embarrassed or in some way think I'm doing wrong then that's your problem to sort out not mine. If you can't deal with it then I suggest you shut up and stand in a different corner. We are over here being far too progressive.

 Maybe that's naive of me but we shall see.

Charlie xx

If you want to read more of my ramblings then follow me on Twitter @Charlottewbuzz

Leading a double life

This post has gone through like 5 or so changes. Let's hope this is the last.

Before I continue just a little update. On the weekend I went to visit one of my oldest friends at her new pad in the big ol London. Not only is she a fantastic blogger (which you can read here) and a big help to this page, but also an amazing Trans Ally. I'd say bad influence as a joke but in all seriousness her advice is priceless. So before I continue with the rest of the blog I'd like to leave her a big thanks on the page like an idiot, and apologise for all the sexy guys & girls who will now flood her page. I.E you guys :) !

But back on topic....

I was browsing some forums this week and came across an interesting topic. The forum is mostly dedicated to those who identify as CD first though it's still an inclusive and supportive page for everyone on the Transgender spectrum. The post was focused on having a different personality/persona while dressed Female. And this got me thinking. Does being genetically Male but identifying as Female give me two personalities? 

When I was younger I thought that there were two different me's. As I didn't identify as Trans until around a year or two ago I did really think that Charlie was a separate person. Life was a constant struggle between the person I thought I was and the person I had inside of me. This unhealthy relationship between the two people fighting for attention caused me to be far more irrational and angry than I am now. It sounds a little convenient but I did definitely put on a harder nosed persona while in public. Although those who know me in real life would say I am not a traditionally masculine person, I would for a number of years try to take on these traits. Of course anyone who has spent time looking at the differences in the Sexes can tell you that these traits are not mutually exclusive to each but hey I was 16 years old . The only experience I'd had with the differences in Gender roles came from my fairly traditional background. It wasn't until well after University that both my persona's aligned and I realised that Charlotte isn't another person. Charlotte is me.

I used to talk about myself often in the third person. I believed that this gave both myself and others an opportunity to disassociate from the reality of the situation. If Charlotte was this other person for example, they could talk about her without embarrassment or awkwardness. This changed around 3 years ago when I realised that I was Trans. Genderfluid or otherwise I was just one person and that's when my 'alter ego' faded. However it was the overly aggressive macho Male persona that retreated. That really wasn't me, so why try to be two people?

Now, and here's the clever bit. This is where I link some of this back to my visit to London on the weekend. While speaking to my friend, doing my makeup (which you know I am quite excellent at these days) we talked about the importance of me being openly Female more often. She has on many occasions listened to an upset Charlotte being pulled between two Genders and her (my) desire to just be Female. And this is where she said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. 

"You should be you more often".

This could be one of the most important points someone has ever made to me, and one that may act as a turning point for my life going forward (Sorry Hun). Maybe I need to be just one me, even if that one me is currently two people. Or who knows maybe I am two people and I just don't know. 

While traveling back from London these words were stuck in my head. It could be about time I started to consider being just one person. I've often made light of the situation in front of others. I make comments about what could happen if I decided to just identify as Female. But maybe I should start asking these questions for real. I may not want to hear the answer when I find out who that is, however it could be just what I need.

P.S I can damn well rock a T-Shirt and Shorts combo.....

February is kind of important

I'm going to do one of those one year retrospective things now so watch out !

February is kind of important for me. February the 12th to be exact. Because that was the day I decided to stop living in denial and fear of who I was. To get out there and try to be the person that I am today. Without this day there wouldn't be this blog and without it I wouldn't have a new found respect and love for my closest friends. Yeah it's Feb 13th today so I'm a day off writing this post but shhh don't tell anyone.

I remember late 2012 when Laura Jane Grace, the incredible singer of Punk band Against Me! was featured in an article for Rolling Stone. In said article she laid her cards on the table and announced to the world she was Trans. There has always been an LGBT element in punk music, most notably the Queercore offshoot, however for the first time I felt a personal connection with a musician. It was as if Laura was speaking directly to me. I'd been a fan of her band for a number of years but my tastes veered off during University. This article felt like a reunion. Last time you spoke to me I knew you as Tom and now as Laura I feel even more connected. I'd always tried to keep both my Male and Female personas separate especially on social media, but after reading I did something I never have before. I posted the article on my personal Facebook page. This was for me the beginning of this whole journey. 

Things went a little quiet through 2013. Focusing more on my education again I let the words of LJG fade into memory. That was until Jan of 2014 when her band released the absolutely incredible Transgender Dysphoria Blues.

What can I say which hasn't already been said other than this is probably the most important album in my entire life. Even though it's been out for just over a year it's influenced and helped me more so than any other piece of music. The entire album is full of hard hitting songs which all in some way speak to me personally. Much like the article it felt like the band had written an entire album just for me. I don't know how many times the album repeated in my Spotify until I finally bought a copy for myself on February the 12th. I could finally take the album wherever I went and it was then that I realised I'd been running from myself.

I was on a bus coming home from work when my iPod shuffled to in my opinion the best song on the album 'fuckmylife666'. "Edgy" name aside it really did for me encapsulate all the frustrations I'd felt being Trans. The album had a definite ark and this was the point where I was in my own life. I got off the bus and walked for a while. I felt it was time to change things in my life. And that's when I decided to not run any more (Not physically I haven't run in years :P) and face up to who I am. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks Laura. You have helped me tackle my own insecurities and have made me proud to be the person I am. You have mentioned in a number of articles you don't like being called a role model and the like but to me your words are the cornerstone of my new Trans life. Charlotte 2.0 or something if you will. You will probably never read this (Unless I spam your Twitter page which I'm SO GOING TO DO) but thanks for everything. 

One year on so much has changed. I have come out to so many people and I'm beginning to understand more about myself. This blog is just one part of that, by writing my life here I hope to inspire and to make sense of everything. 

On another note I managed to see Against Me! during their November tour of the U.K. I've seen some bands in my time but nobody can rock as hard as you ! Even if you stood on my head at one point.

A whole lotta woman !

So I was sitting here earlier. Drinking a lovely decaf coffee while checking my emails and I came across one that has continued to puzzle me. It was a photo comment from another site. Now these usually go no further than "omg u look amazing" or something of that ilk, this one however was something I'd never seen before. Below I've attached the offending article and the comment.

Nice smile but relax more to show your fem side :)

This comment really isn't worth getting worked up about, someone was really just giving me a bit of harmless advice. But the more I think about it the more I wonder what does being more fem mean? How do I be more fem? And what does that have to do with me being happy?

I'm sure we all have our own biases as to what being Female is or isn't. I could ask a million people and we would all have a different answer in some way. Some would say it's a physical thing, others may cite more personality traits. To this writer it would appear that being Female is more of a physical outward thing, and smiling within a photograph (Albeit a highly exaggerated smile) isn't what it's all about.

But am I being really fair there? Am I judging her entire persona on a small 1 line comment left on a fairly innocuous image on a relatively small part of the web. Or is there more to this? Am I being judged on this persons belief that Women have to be super serious or worse..alluring? To be Fem do I have to now fill all my pictures with a come hither wink and a cheeky corner smile?

I'm sure that's not what this user wanted. They simply wanted to give me some pointers on how they think I could be more Female, but that's the thing. Being more Female. I've never tried to be more Female. I have no idea what that means and if someone asked me to try I wouldn't have any idea where to begin. I've had a number of emails and comments from other Women on the Trans spectrum who have asked me how they can quote unquote "Be more convincing" and I have no idea how to respond to that. There is no magic formula or 5 points to success, and really why how can there be? I can see that there is a stigma towards Trans Women looking like 'Men in Drag' and I know that one of the biggest hurdles we have to climb is the do I look good in the stuff I wear but when it's all said and done it doesn't matter. We should be allowed to do and act how we want. And if you feel that the person on the inside is the real you then does it matter how we look on the outside? If I feel that my Female Persona is an overly happy, bubbly individual then that's who I am. Nobody can ever take that away.

Perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones. I have so many Trans friends who look incredible and outdo me at every turn but then I wouldn't say I am bad at what I do (This is the point where you comment omg u look amazing). This could be down to me feeling more comfortable in what I wear and whatever side of the Gender spectrum I happen to be at any given time. I feel normal in my skin and because of this I don't need to really amplify any parts of my Female side. I dress rather plainly and I only use enough makeup to cover more of my masculine features. I guess that's what being more 'Fem' is to me. 

For context the picture was taken the night that I was going to show off Charlie to my friends for the very first time. This image to me represents both happiness and fear. Scared about what people would think but hopeful that it would bring in a new era  for myself. They say a picture tells a thousand worlds and it's clear that even a selfie can be the cause of some debate.

Who am I ?

I have killer hair though

Is something I've asked myself time and time again. As I get older and as I grow with new experiences I ask. What or Who am I? Do I already know? Does anybody know? Let's have a think.

Those of you who come to this blog know me in different ways. There are those who know me in IRL (In real life). They have their own opinions and biases based on their personal experiences around me and I would assume they read this with my voice. Then there are those who don't know me personally however we have had long and meaningful discussion on the nature of Gender, identity and what kind of top would go with a skirt. Then there are those who know me here in a more impersonal way. They read my posts. Follow the same blogs as me. Read my responses on forum posts. And they know me differently from others. This has got me thinking. Who knows the real me? Do I know the real me?

I thought about this when I was browsing a forum which catered to the 'Crossdresser' crowd. Now to some there is no difference between being Trans and being CD but others would argue there are differences. Despite calling myself Trans I love to experience the whole range of Gender Expressions however. I'm as interested in the 'Drag' culture as I am with those who identify solely as Female. But does this create a conflict of identity in different places, and does that then create assumptions about how far I'm 'willing' to go with my own expression?

I use the word Trans as an all encompassing term for the range of different emotions I feel. If I was to really think about it I would probably fall within the Gender Fluid camp. Gender Fluid (this is going to get complicated now) is someone who can or does identify with both of the traditional Male Female genders. It's true that some days I feel one way and then others I feel the complete opposite. Those feelings can last several hours to several months and the crossover period between both can be both traumatic and stressful. Even though this mental change from one to the other is quite quick that period is difficult. Now I am being horribly general here. I am simplifying a lot of these terms and feelings down into a 1000 word blog but I hope you kind of get the idea of what I go through. I can imagine some would find that having this 'dual gender' to be an issue, especially when you are in that crossover phase but I have found it incredibly liberating. I can be the person I want to be most of the time. I say most because it does come at moments you least expect and it's really not something I choose to switch on and off. And this is why I want to do something about it.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. How can you be both? Well the simple answer is I've never truly believed there is such thing as defined and clear Gender Identities regardless of which side of the fence you fall on. We all share these qualities and maybe mine is just stronger than others.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. Why do you call yourself a Woman when you don't always want to be one? Again the answer is I really don't know why. Even though I don't think there are these clear identities and I've found being fluid quite rewarding, I'm at a point in my life where I want to begin predominantly identifying as one or the other. And that Gender I've chosen (I think) is Female. I did write a long time back in this blog that I had no real intention in the near future to make these big changes there is nothing stopping me from still being physically who I am but still identifying as a Woman. Like actually there is nothing stopping me. Genuinely properly nothing.....at least for the near future. I'm still open to the idea of me making these big changes in my life if that meant me being happy. But remember I need to know it's the right decision before that happens.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. A Woman is this and that and the other. If your still physically Male then how are you Trans? Well this is quite complicated and it's not something we can really discuss in a blog of this nature. I want to write about the complicated field of gender identity but really I'm not even remotely qualified to talk about that stuff just yet. Perhaps someone from my readership can cast some light on it.

So back to that question. Who am I ? Well I am the person who writes this page. Identifies as Female and spends her time as a Woman. Whatever my outward, physical aspects say I want to be called and referred to under these Female terms. At the start of this page I said that you all know me differently, but in some way you all know me the same. You know me as Charlotte. The real me.

Perhaps this stolen quote in this needlessly edited picture of me puts it best.

Charlie xx

Leelah Alcorn.

By now I'm sure those of you who visit my blog may have read or have at least heard a little about the tragic death of Leelah Alcorn almost a week ago. A death that in this day an age should have been completely preventable. For all the banner waving and positive outcomes of 2014, this event shows that we have a long way to go.

Enough has already been said from others who are better educated and more in the know than myself. However I can't just stand back without helping to keep the spirit alive. I don't have much to say, there's nothing to say. I just hope that in some way I can help.

For those who may not know Leelah, a young Trans Woman had struggled with Gender Dysphoria from a young age. At 14 she had discovered  the word Transgender and took the brave move to come out to her family. The last Tumblr post she made mentioned certain members of her family had been extremely negative towards her decision to come out and she had even been sent to Conversion Therapy. A spiral of depression, perpetuated by individuals around her led her to a desperate end. On the night of December 28 2014, Leelah committed suicide. Her last Tumblr post acting as the suicide note.

Now this blog will not accuse or insight anger towards an individual or a community. I have never met those personally involved so who am I to criticise publicly. For the record though the fact that we have in this day and age things like conversion therapy treatments is despicable and those in charge should be ashamed. To force people to suicide because 'The bible tells you so' is a wicked act which should not be tolerated in today's society. I suggest everyone who reads this goes and checks out the Change.Org campaign to out law such practices.

Leelah wanted her death to be a statement. She wanted to spark a discussion about the way in which society treats and supports Transgender people. The key word there is society. Despite my vitriolic rant above what we need to do is change our society as a whole instead of focusing on the individuals who seek to ruin. We need to look at the bigger picture and a society which still perpetuates and supports Transphobic behavior. We need to educate whoever we can even in a small way that tolerance is above all else the most important trait we humans possess. To teach that negative terms destroy us all as a culture bit by bit. Leelah's will not die in vain. It's vital that we never forget her. That is the only way we can ensure that even in some way we can make good on her request.

I wasn't sure what I was going to say by this. I didn't want to create some bile filled post which insights anger or pain. We have all as a species suffered enough to last a lifetime. What I wanted to do was to just show we care. As a community we all care. I haven't said all that much here. But saying something is always better than saying nothing.

I didn't want to have the last word however. That honor goes to Leelah. Rest in Power sister !

"The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren't treated the way I was, they're treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say 'that's fucked up' and fix it. Fix society. Please.

Goodbye,

Leelah Alcorn 1997 - 2014