Coming Out Pt 2

Off the cuff discussion about some of my experiences being closeted.

6 Month Update

I couldn't have picked the worst time to have a blog break......

Thanks everyone for the responses to my last vlog on gender discovery. I was honestly shocked with the reception to it. After I made that post I decided it would be quite nice to take a few days off, to recharge my batteries and interact with the community I love so dearly. I took to Twitter and had some fascinating discussions about politics and identity. I've been trawling through the depths of the web meeting people (virtually of course) and just generally making myself a whole lot richer as a person (mentally of course). Since that last post however it's been a series of up and downs, for every amazing experience I've had there's been something terrible along the way. This was also the 6 month anniversary of the blog, so consider this post an anniversary/what has Charlie been doing update.

After I posted that last vlog I kicked back. Opened a can of beer and begun a little Twitter trawl. This was just after the conviction of Michael Johnson. A 23 year old who was convicted of exposing others to HIV. He did not declare his HIV positive status with any of his sexual partners and as a result received a life sentence. Now this is definitely not the place for a discussion on the criminalisation of HIV however it was something I wanted to pose to others. I consider myself a very central person when it comes to these sorts of debates. I want to see both sides of an argument and generally be a middle ground for both sides. I did something similar with my Pillars of Eternity vid from a few weeks back. So I followed it up in another corner of the web to see if maybe, just maybe a dialogue could form. What I did not suspect however was a barrage of insults.

I won't get into the details of what happened past this point. The worst thing anyone can do is to keep that going but I would like to just point out that anyone who has to rely on physical violence or derogatory language to get their point across is simply not worth bothering with. There are many videos and advice pieces online on how to deal with these people but implore you if people act in this manner report and ignore. Never feed. I've found that not having a stance is in someways like having one, and people will always twist the message as a way of feeling like they are the ones being attacked. It's genuinely quite fascinating to watch people bend what you say or to take certain sections of your argument and blow them out of proportion. This couldn't have come at a more perfect of moments as I was dealing with some other fallout on one of my vlogs. So that was a fun weekend.

From something negative to something positive, last week was the 6 month anniversary of my blog. And in the last few months I can't tell you how happy I am with the community of friends I've built since starting this page. The blog is growing rapidly and I am constantly surprised with the reception it has had. Some of you who visit have gone from strangers to acquaintances to close friends. I've become far more confident in myself and a lot more open. I've shared with you some of the most intimate parts of my life and even let you experience the soothing sounds of my voice. I've gone out and done things I would never have imagined and it's all down to you, the weekly reader who visits and shares what I have to say. I find that I want to experience new things and tell you about them. You are all in some way a part of my life now and in some ways this page has changed me for the better. I will continue to for as long as possible keep updating this blog and keep supporting you, the same way that you support me.

Now onto the juicy stuff !

So this weekend I went on my second night out as woman me. Out to the gorgeous city of Bristol for a night of dance, drink and...urm...something else beginning with a D...NO NOT THAT !

It was a night of firsts much like the last. This was the first time that I'd gone to somewhere unfamiliar as a woman. This was new ground for both male and female me so that was a tad scary. However I must praise the amazing people of Bristol for being both open and supportive. Not once was I treated as anything other than a woman. Nobody stopped to stare. Nobody made a comment (At least not to me) and I will definitely say that the city is far more supportive than I thought. That may not be the case for everyone but from my experience Bristol gets two thumbs up for being trans inclusive. 

But wait there's more !

I broke through two huge barriers this weekend. The first was..now wait for it...I finally got over my fear of the female toilets. After months of being scared (And a blog post justifying why I couldn't use them) I said to myself "You know, maybe I should just go and do it". And you know what? It was fine. It was great. It was exactly what I thought it would be like but for some reason had convinced myself otherwise. I was welcomed the same as any other woman who needed to at the end of the day use the loo. I've heard so many horror stories from others and it saddens me that bad things happen to us as a group on a daily basis but, hopefully this can be a little boost for people to do what makes them feel most comfortable. 

My second barrier is family related. Some of you know my situation when it comes to being openly trans. I am sort of but then there are others I like to keep it from right now. Being genderfluid means that I can in some way keep things away from others until I am good and ready but it does make things awfully awkward at times. This weekend however I finally broke through one of my fears and invited my brother along. I told him about my gender identity a while ago but as of this weekend hadn't seen so much as a picture. Instead of warning him and building it up I simply invited him along (Living in the area makes things easier for him) and then I was just there, take it or leave it. And I've never felt so happy in all my life. We didn't make a thing about it, we just had a couple of drinks like any brother and sister should. Oh god sister, that's a weird thing to say out loud. He took to the pronoun changes great though and never once felt the need to ask any awkward questions. We both got probably a bit to intoxicated for our own goods. Had the greatest hug of my life and then went our separate ways for the evening. 

I mentioned no less than a few lines ago that I found Bristol to be very trans inclusive. It isn't however totally free of people you just want to kick in the teeth. This is not a criticism of a city that I love dearly but of a much larger international problem, and that is the attention you may receive from the opposite gender. Namely the inability for guys to take no for an answer.

Let me explain.

I was approached by the same person on a number of different occasions while I danced, while I was at the bar and while outside. He was the typical sort. Loud, drunk and smelling of lager with a hint of Lynx Africa. The perfect gentlemen. Now I was perfectly polite the first 1000 times he approached me. But after being physically touched by this person I did loose it a little with him. It wasn't anywhere private, just my side. However it was still a thing I didn't want happening so you know I feel I was within my right to berate him a little. In the cold light of day the next morning, sipping a large coffee on the seated area outside a Wetherspoons (classy) I got to thinking. I thought about the times I've been out with other females and have had to put up with this sort of situation. I've been annoyed but now I can empathise in some way with what people have to put up with. It also got me thinking about myself physically.

To have someone be that determined, especially in a room full of other Women must have meant only a few things. Either he was just trying it with everyone, doing it for a laugh, or he genuinely found some aspect of me attractive. Ignoring the first and second option for now (Because I'm vain) leaves us with the third. Did he really find me in some way attractive? Was there something I did or was doing physically that made me so devilishly irresistible. What was that and why do I want to know so much?  Well it's because it made me feel more out of touch with my body than ever before. He may have genuinely thought I was physically female which yeah you still shouldn't be acting that way, but what if he found the notion of someone having quote unquote 'male stuff' going on underneath. "I can get on that but it's not gay because he likes to be a woman". He didn't say that, I'm just assuming because I'm horrible. But what I'm trying to get at is I could have been 'picked' by this person because of that one feature and it has really put me out of sorts. I guess we will never find out, he stopped at some point after I went and hid behind one of my friends. He was just not up for a fight with one of my besties for my hand it appears.

And there we go. We are all caught up on the events over the last fortnight. It's been quite eventful I must admit. I'll be back in a few days with even more tales of excitement but until then I'd just like to thank all of you for visiting my page and being super amazing people.

I love you all !

Charlotte 

An intimate discussion about bathrooms

This is going to be a controversial one.

Since posting my blog about the night out I had a week ago, the one comment I've heard again and again concerns the restroom I chose to use. More specifically my decision to use the gents rather than the ladies. I didn't realise this was cause for such a debate. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to explore, why are we so fixated on this one aspect? Well let's find out.

To clarify my decision to use the gents was down to two main factors. One was my relative shyness towards using anything other than what I was used to. I want to take my transition from closet to outwardly trans as slowly as I can and this is just one small footnote at the end of my journey. Secondly I was with an all male group and I thought using the same restroom as them gave me extra support. If there were female members of the group I would have probably had a different outlook. We had one of my very good female friends with us at the start of the evening however she could not stay for long (I'm just adding that so she doesn't think I called her a man haha).

This decision has left some of my readers with questions. Why go through all that effort to go out as a Woman and not use a loo that I had every right to use being Trans. Some have suggested that by doing it I could have shattered the 'illusion' of being a woman. For the first point see my earlier statement but it's that second that I want to look at in greater detail.

First off what do they mean by illusion? Despite being trans I have no bones about who or what I have going on underneath. I can wear, act or be whoever I want but it doesn't change the fact that at that moment in time I'm still genetically male. This might sound like an admission of defeat, Trans men & women fight for the right to be treated the way they feel regardless of physical appearance and me saying well my body is male could be perceived as a little short sighted. I don't however see it that way. I think it gives me the opportunity to use both sides of my personality and to essentially mix my gender. Every single one of our brains are wired differently and I embrace my masculinity. To me it's not an illusion. I'm not trying to convince or trick people into thinking I am a woman. If I say I am a Woman then why do I have to then put on an act. To convince people? It's not up to them to judge. I say I am therefore you better make damn sure you think of me as a woman. Again my choice if bathroom is really my decision and doing so makes me no more or less of a woman. I think we are focused on general acceptance to such an extend that maybe we forget that there are still individuals in this community with different thoughts, feelings and strengths.

It's this train of though that could also be preventing me from making the leap into the ladies. Maybe it's a personal stigma or a childhood belief that men use the men's and women use the women's that stop me. The more I think about it the more I think this could be playing a role. Even though being Trans has given me a totally different view on gender there was 10+ years before this where traditional gender roles are taught. I'm also acutely aware as a recent active feminist that there could still be some way left to go before Trans Women are totally accepted within that space. I remember during my time at university a trans woman used the ladies restroom to conduct some less than noble activities. I'm not going to go into detail on what happened but this has made me realise that we are still a long way off. And that is completely fair at this moment in time.  I believe in baby steps with most social issues and this is one such occasion.

I've probably gone on way to long about my chosen location to wee so I'll leave it here for now. This blog is also a space for progression so before I go maybe I can offer some solutions. I've always been quite open to the possibility of a gender neutral bathroom or a space for those who make up what I'm going to call the third Gender. This too is obviously open for debate and it's not a totally perfect. We can use this area  to discuss so let me know in the comments how you feel about bars having a gender neutral restroom. Until then maybe I will venture into the ladies on my next night out and let you know how it went ! 

Charlie xx

Paint the town Trans

Since starting this blog there have been a number of firsts for me. This was the first time I’d spoken publicly about events during my teenage years. The first time I’ve taken an active interest at Gender equality and this week saw the first public outing of the Transgender me. Now I’m here to tell you the story.

Some of my closest friends have seen Charlotte in person and it was one of these occasions which kicked things off. We were discussing where to take my Trans discovery next, should I keep things low down for a while or should I strike while the iron is hot and let the world know. We had a night out planned and I mentioned briefly that maybe that’s where I should take Charlotte next. We had already planned to visit a big LGBT bar in the local area so to me it made perfect sense.

Initially I was quite worried about the possibility of going out in public. I didn’t want to throw too much attention on myself however the very nature of someone who’s genetically male in female clothing would attract some negative comments. Even an LGBT bar was in my eyes a minefield of abuse and worry. The bar is always home to Stag and Hen parties who come to see the Drag Queen performances and whatnot. I personally believe it’s an excuse to dance to Carly RaeJepson but I digress.

The most comfortable shoes I own !

I’d made the decision to dress down as much as possible. One of my biggest concerns is how I come across to others. Maybe it’s due to the events in my past or maybe it’s because I’m just incredibly vain but I really didn’t want to look out of place or uncomfortable in what I was wearing. As we were also visiting a Metal/Rock club after I was going to opt for my usual T-shirt and Jeans though with some persuasion I’d gone for a dress. I’m usually more of a top and skirt kind of person as I wasn’t convinced I could pull off the dress look. I decided to go for a basic grey and black number because you know I’m really adventurous.

The biggest pain was finding the right pair of shoes for the occasion. Not to fall into the stereotype but if you’re going to be standing up dancing for 7 hours you really do need to think about what you have on your feet, especially since it’s a 15 minute walk from one club to the next. I can walk and generally exist in heels just fine but that long time standing told me I had to think a bit sensibly about what I wore……and then I just went for some heeled shoes anyway. Enough about my clothes for now, you want to hear all the gory details of my actual night out don’t you!

Before catching our taxi we met at a local pub for food and a general natter before the soothing sounds of Slipknot and AC/DC destroyed our years. To me this part was the scariest, out in town I would be nothing more than a face in the crowd. But right there in a relatively quiet pub I could be the target of anyone’s comments. I took a deep breath, had a quick drag of a cigarette to calm my nerves and we went in.

Hotel selfie I guess

I don’t know what’s more amazing. The fact that barely anyone looked or that those who did were nothing but complimentary, those who have known me for a long time still have some difficulty in separating my Male and Female sides. Still opting to call me ‘He’ or my Male name (Which you know I’m SOOOO going to divulge on here). But to these normal pub goers I was nothing more than a Woman; ok a Trans Woman I wasn’t going to convince anyone for long. Even then people still called me by my Female name or used ‘She’ etc. It was honestly amazing. I guess to most being called ‘love’ or ‘darling’ isn’t something to phone home about and could even be perceived as a little sexist but right there in that moment it was exhilarating. I didn’t have to explain myself to people by saying you can call me this or that, it was instinctive. I think I perhaps give people too much stick and I instantly assume every man is going to think it’s weird but I found it to be the total opposite. Whether they said anything behind my back is another story but in that moment I was treated with nothing but respect and dignity.

Now I’m sure you are all excited to find out which restroom I used. Did I brave it and venture into the Chamber of Secrets (You know the Women’s) or do what comes naturally and frequent the pit of misery that is a Gents. Well I opted for the latter. I felt that at this stage I wasn’t prepared to make the big leap just yet, despite confusing a teenager who had come in with his father as I stood by the window doing my makeup. “Are we in the wrong one Dad?” “No, but isn’t life fascinating”.

The whole issue of which to use has sort of become a topic since that night. In the three or so bars we visited I used the Gents and each time I was told that if I wanted I was within my rights to use the Ladies. I obviously have some dignity and I used a cubicle. It’s just amazing to see perceptions are changing. They have changed to such an extend I had a 10 minute conversation with a fellow AC/DC fan while standing by a mirror why I chose the specific brand of Foundation I had.

The LGBT bar we visited was like a dream, people swarming around you to chat to you about various parts of your outfit and speaking ever so kindly about the ensemble I managed to throw together a few days before. After a few drinks (and that aforementioned Carly Rae Jepson dance) we moved onto our favourite Metal bar.

Laddered Tights = Sign of a good night

I felt right at home here. The fist bumps, hugs and support continued. Even more so than in the previous bar, I joined in with a group of lads to sing Tenacious D’s super delightful hit ‘Fuck her Gently’, mostly to annoy the smokers in the club opposite who found the idea of a bar full of people dressed in black rather amusing. I guess that was the only real ‘oppression’ I felt on that night. It came from other places. Only once I faced real negativity and if three drunken lads doing a small laugh at the man in a dress is negativity then I really feel for my fellow Trans Women who experience this sort of shit on a daily basis, and in a lot of cases they receive even worse. 

As we left at 4 in the morning back to our Taxi after dancing to the rather amazing Carry on Wayward son. The bond with my friends strengthened I started to wonder to think about many of my friends who are unfortunately in a position where they could never do what I had done. Those in oppressed locations, those who fear for their lives if they come out, those who fear the stigma and the potential abuse they may get. And to you I say it will get better. Hopefully one day we will be able to be who we are and express ourselves as the amazing, strong and powerful group that we most definitely are. My next goal is to socialise in the day as Charlotte. Let’s hope that experience goes as well as this.