Unconditional Love.

This Friday sees the release of Shape Shift With Me, the highly anticipated seventh album from Florida punk band Against Me! If you follow me on Twitter, or if you just know me in general  you will know how excited I am for it. I've pre ordered two copies of the Vinyl, the CD and the accompanying merch. My hype level was through the roof. I anxiously awaited every single song reveal, I've even gone as far as to get tickets for a few days on their U.K Tour (Although I will be giving some away very soon).

I'm sure quite a lot of you by now have at least some passing knowledge of the bands lead singer Laura Jane Grace who came out as trans in 2012. Never shy to speak her mind, she has become and inspiration for quite a number of trans people. All this is documented on other blogs however, so why am I telling you all of this? Why am I so incredibly excited to get that album in my hands on the 16th? Because whether the band know it or not they have saved me more times than I care to remember, and that started all the way back in the mid 2000's

By around 2004 I was beginning to get some idea of who I was as a person, although I still had no idea why I felt so uncomfortable in my skin I knew one thing. I really disliked the world around me. I didn't think people were somehow lesser than me, or that I was the only 'smart' one but I did feel like the world was an unjust and scary place. I had begun shall we say 'experimenting' with my identity, I felt like I was some sort of energetic and righteous rebel telling the system where to shove it......looking back I was doing none of that with my MP3 player and school uniform but in my own mind I was like some warrior, it was me against the world. I begun listening to more punk, and in particular I really liked what the Americans were offering. Bands like Anti-Flag, NOFX and their ilk were favourites, in and among that there was this other band. A band which played harder and screamed louder than all the rest. That band was Against Me!

I'll admit I had only heard one or two songs at that point, it's that far back now I can't even remember which they were exactly. But even then this band of anarcho punks had dug their way into my collection where they would never leave. They became part of the soundtrack of my youth.



I started University and in some ways my taste in music began to change. Gone were the bands like Bad Religion and Flogging Molly, in were the AC/DC's and Thin Lizzy's. The people I lived with objected less to Angus Young and as a result that's what I listened to for many years. While in University I began piecing together the reasons why I was unhappy. It was because people weren't seeing me as I saw myself. I couldn't put my finger at it but looking back I knew I was trans, even if I didn't know the right word for it. This is where my private 'dressing up' times were at their most intense. Although in the moment it helped, in the light of day it never made me happy. I still thought though that there was no life outside of this. I thought all I could do was present in private and there were no options. While things seemed far clearer in my younger days listening to punk at obscene volumes. The world become far more confusing and muddier without these bands in my life and I'd like to think that in some ways AM! were a part of earlier clarity.

This would continue until 2012. I still had no idea that trans people existed (It's true!). That was until I saw an article from Rolling Stone a few days after my birthday. This article contained a name and face I recognised. "Oh look" I thought. "That singer from that band I used to like might be the same as me". So I clicked on the article and from that moment on my life completely changed. It felt like for the first time a musician was speaking directly to me. It was if the person on the other side of the page was screaming back "THIS IS SOMETHING, THERE IS NO SHAME IN IT, YOU ARE REAL". And from that moment on I spent days searching for any tiny scraps on the person who we would come to call Laura. At this same time I begun looking into the options available to people like me. Those who never felt right but had no words. No terminology. No clue.

I learned a lot from Laura since then. Terminology, philosophy and a way to make sense of what I was feeling. I begun listening to music from those middle years that I missed. Songs like The Ocean and Searching for a Former Clarity. Those hints had been there but I would never have made sense of them. One thing was clear however, I wasn't going to let this band go.

I think things made more sense in 2014 with the release of what I consider the most important album in my life. Transgender Dysphoria Blues. I remember listening to it on a bus on the way home from work. The rain pouring down the window as the into to Fuck My Life 666 began to play. I thought to myself that there was no point running away from this. I wasn't happy and I needed to figure out how I could find that. I began researching into gender dysphoria, joined a few forums and in the months following I started this blog. All the while it felt like Laura was there beside me. TDB is responsible getting me though the last few years and has become an almost weekly listen.



2014 was also first time I got to see them play live. My brother took me as a surprise gift and he somehow managed to get me to the front. During a particular moment of 'We Laugh at Danger and Break all the Rules' Laura put down her instrument and jumped into the crowd. The crowd went wild and it made me realise something. She is doing her thing, there are hundreds of people here in awe of this person. She clambered down in front of me after surfing the crowd for what felt like forever. The 3 or so people next to me all embraced and Grace joined in. For those few moments there was nobody else around us. Just this little group. We all appreciated and loved eachothers company even for those brief moments. As the band left the stage and the club lights turned back on I turned to my brother. Looked him in the eyes and said something I'd never told anyone

"I think I might be trans"

The bands music had brought me and my brother together more than any other group. And Laura gave me the confidence to tell him who I was.

For the next 2 years Against Me! became a regular backdrop in my car to work, on the train home from nights out. Appearing often on jukeboxes in rock bars and requested at club nights. And when I felt most down, songs like True Trans Soul Rebel were there to pick me back up.

And I've never needed something stable to hold onto more than right now. Since I began getting my transition plans in order I've ran the whole gamut of emotions. I'm now the happiest I've ever been and a lot of that is down to this bands music. However I would be lying if I said this year hasn't been challenging. There are times when I've felt at my loneliest, sometimes feeling like there's nobody in my life I can talk to. But I've had this one constant helping me through it all, the four piece originating from Gainesville.



Nowhere has this helped more than in the last few weeks. There's been a few times recently where I've been unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the frustrating NHS system, the situation with my family and general work woes about being an open trans person in a career that I adore so much. Coming out could spell the end of so many parts of my life, my relationships and my work are all in jeopardy. But during this time a song appeared on my Facebook. A song from a band who has always spoken to me, has always been there and will hopefully be there for many more years. A song that lifted my spirit and got me excited again. Excited for the future, excited for where I'm going and what I can accomplish.  So if anyone from Against Me! reads this. Thank you for so many years of amazing music. Thank you for giving me a purpose and thank you for lifting me up when nothing else could. Keep rockin' and I'll see you in Bristol in December :)

Charlotte xx

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I'm such a comedian aye....

Bristol Pride

I went to Bristol Pride LOL

Transitioning in Wales

Because I couldn't come up with a snappier title....

Transition Transmission : May

It's nice to post something positive for a change.

Hi folks ! I know it's the middle of the month an all but I thought this might be a good time to talk about my appointment yesterday. It's not super interesting but if it helps one person then I've done my job I guess.

So as you're aware, in order to get a referral my GP pushed me through the local mental health team, it was frustrating but I played ball and in some ways I'm glad I did. It's felt quite lonely doing all this recently, I know I have some amazing support online but human interaction is incredibly important to me and not being open to my family has made things feel quite isolated. 

I didn't know what to expect with this appointment, I thought maybe the person who saw me would try and pry into every aspect of my life, I thought Freud had somehow come back from the dead and was ready to tell me my dysphoria was because I tied my left shoe first. It was honestly quite frightening, after my last experience with my GP I was worried things would go wrong again, but in reality things couldn't in my opinion have gone better.

From the very off when I told her about my desire to transition she began using female pronouns. For a bunch of annoying medical reasons we had to fill everything in with Mr's and Him's but 'unofficially' I was female. This is the first time I've ever experienced this, and it was amazing ! Like I can't even put into words how nice it was for someone to actually use correct pronouns and things. I've had a bit of an uphill battle with terms in my friend circles, there are about 4 or 5 close friends who instantly switched to Charlotte etc but there are still one or two that need constant reminding that my dead name is no longer in use. Actually I call them friends but I've kind of stopped speaking to them because of it. If they can't respect my name then I can't continue our friendship but I digress.

She told me I had essentially the 20 minutes to talk about myself and she would not pry into things if I didn't want to. I was kind of ok with questions as I'm still finding it hard to get my head around the "I'm transitioning" stuff. Saying it now still feels weird for some reason so having someone ask questions about my life helped a lot. I went through the usual thing, known for years and wanted to begin down the pathway. There was one or two awkward questions about my sexuality however I was more prepared this time. Then she said something that initially made my heart sink but it was actually kind of great to hear. After saying this is what I want to do, it's not a phase or me trying to be different. I've not wanted anything more in my entire life and I'd fight to get it she said.

"Well there isn't much I can do to help"

I was taken back at first. What do you mean you can't help me? I need help. I was readying my emotional speech about how this is going to save me when she said.

"That came out wrong, what I mean to say is you don't need me to help you".

She then went on to explain that from the initial assessment I seemed like a determined young woman, I know what I wanted and no amount of counseling would confirm anything. She did offer a course of sessions if I wanted to make sure this is the path I wanted but instantly said that she doesn't feel I need it. What I needed is support to get to the next stage. In her words someone to fight in my corner to push for this. That's when she offered to push this forward and get the referral sorted.

I had to physically stop myself from diving over the desk to hug her, finally after all this time here's someone with actual clout who believes me. Who treated me as I wanted to be treated. Someone who has said in as many words "You are trans".

We spoke a little more about the dangers of publicly coming out, how I could get support from groups with things like coming out, with work and what have you. I was jumping with excitement while speaking to her, I don't think in 27 years I've ever felt as happy as that one moment.

Before leaving she said something which will stick with me forever.

"If you are a woman let nothing stop you, go for it girl"

I've not been able to stop smiling since, I am kind of weary of people who work in these sorts of fields. Like is she only asking for my skin care routine because she is interested or is it just a way to make me feel comfortable. Either way I was happy and if more people want to give me compliments then that's fine (HINT HINT CLOSE FRIENDS :P )

So that's where I am now. Waiting for my next referral appointment thing where hopefully everything will be sorted. Now it may seem like I'm taking things slow, which I am but I have a plan. Once I know my details are sent off then I'm going to start pushing for private treatment. I've been saving for a while and can at least support myself while doing this. Then it's the next big part, telling my family.

Honestly after what she said I could have gone home to tell people, I don't feel ready yet though. I want the coming out to my transition stage to run smoothly, that's why I'm slowly bringing it up in conversations. For my friends who don't know I'm introducing them slowly and for work I'm trying out a whole new wardrobe. I'll still probably continue to wear my hair in pictures until it's grown to a length that makes me feel confident but I don't want to be wearing it when I come out.

And that's basically it. I'd like to ride this wave of positive and post nice things for a while, let's see how that goes.

Charlie xx

Transition Transmission: April

I want this picture to define me.

Hey folks ! Hope y'all are a-ok :).

I've been thinking about what I could do to ensure a stream of updates here on my blog, and since I decided at the start of this month to transition a series of monthly updates might be a good way to fill that gap. So here goes, let me know what you think yeah?

What's changed since the last time I posted then? Well not much in terms in regards to getting appointments and stuff, in fact that has regressed but I'll go into that in a moment. What I've mostly been doing is research and planning. I'm terrible for planning, as in I like to think I can plan stuff but in actual fact I end up not following through or I making a mess of things. This is a huge step however and I felt it would be best if I came up with some realistic goals for myself in the next year. Who knows when I will get my first appointment in whatever GIC they decide to send me to so in the meantime it would be good to look at all the options.

First the bad news, my local health team have made a couple of blunders in regards to my referral which has kind of halted things in many ways. As you know the system here in Wales can be a little fiddly and backwards, sending people to things like 'specialist teams' and that before they refer you. Well anyway I was supposed to wait for an appointment date according to my GP. I received a letter saying that my referral had been sent but I'd not heard any more, this week I had another letter saying my referral had been dropped because I hadn't contacted them in time. This means that if I can't sort things out this week I may have to go back and start the whole process again. Taking up another 3 months of my time on top of the million billion trillion years it takes to even get a date for a GIC appointment. So yeah things are kind of annoying on that front. It wont stop me obviously, I have a nice day off now in which I can call up and kick butt, I will admit that on first receiving the letter I felt super deflated but it won't deter me.

This has led me down another path though with support from my friends. I've been researching into the possibility of going private, this is kind of a huge step and somewhat of a risk financially. I have money saved up however right now it's tied up in trying to look for a new place to live, car stuff and general in case of emergency money. Right now my finances seem like a vast web of bits and pieces that need to be brought together, something I'm working on now. I don't want to commit to anything while I feel this insecure about where my money will be coming from in a few months but rest assured I am looking into it. If I know I am somewhat secure 6 months down the line I'd have saved enough money to sort out all the initial stuff and have enough to worry about insuring my car etc. It doesn't help knowing that I might be out of work in 6 weeks (I'll blame it on the Government for a laugh) so that is taking up a decent chunk of my time. I'm kind of terrible with money but when it comes to big things like this I am quite conservative. Ewwww I said conservative, I feel ill.

Next up I've been giving myself sleepless nights thinking about how and when I'm going to come out proper. Like not just "Oh I am trans" but "Oh I'm transitioning LOL". Yeah transitioning is a personal thing but I know that people need time to adjust etc. I started last weekend by speaking to someone I know is 100% behind me, my brother. Admittedly it wasn't the best environment to tell them, basically the smoking area outside a metal bar but it just slipped out. I was worried that it would make things awkward but it really it  hasn't. I spoke about the process, the challenges ahead and my general fears about coming out right now in a valleys town where people are still fascinated by the only gay in the village, I'm not even joking. I know people who think there is only one gay man living in my town. NOT EVEN JOKING. He asked me to talk though all the people that I am worried about telling, members of the family, friends, work colleagues and we worked through each one together. How best to tell people and what I should do if things don't go well. Obviously we don't know how people react so anything we said could turn out wrong but it did give me that confidence to tell everyone.

That's kind of where I am right now, baby steps Williams I should be called. I knew it would be though, I didn't want to jump in with both feet, I want to test the waters. Find a nice part of the pool before diving in. Check me out with the swimming metaphors

Yeah so should I do more of these ? Even if next month it goes as far as "Yeah phoned a doctor and they said a thing". Be nice to keep people in the loop a little and show that I'm not always sitting on my bum playing Dark Souls.......that's just most of the time.

Charlie xx

2016 Q&A

Ahoy hoy !
2016's Q&A is a GO !

Hello, my name is Charlotte

Let's get some stuff out the way first.

This week I spent a lovely time down in Bournemouth. I'm currently off from work and wanted to do something with my time other than sit in my room playing Bloodborne (Bloodbournemouth?) so I was like yeah let's go somewhere new and explore. There was also a secret agenda behind going somewhere new.

I wanted to get some 'real life experience' as a trans person

It was sunny and I hated it

Wait, what? There's so many things off about that statement. First of all going to a seaside town for a week isn't exactly the best real life experience you can get. It's not my local pub or a bus in the valleys so it's not a real representation of what my life is currently like. Secondly even if I didn't always present female I am still in peoples minds trans.To me though I've never felt that, not having the strength to present full time has always made me feel like I'm not being true to myself or that I'm having my cake and eating it. I've been compromising my own happiness for the sake of other peoples feelings. I've had conversations with members of my immediate and not so immediate family and it's always been the same sort of message. "You be you but I'm not sure if I can be there". That's meant that for the last year since coming to a decision to look at my options that I've held back, made excuses as to why I'm taking forever with things and potentially harming myself hidden behind a thin veil of "I'm doing it my way".

Well, I'm not going to do it any more.

This week has taught me one thing. I'm not male, sure I may seem masculine with some of my mannerisms (More on that in a moment) but that isn't me. I'm trans. There I've said it. I'm fucking transgender

I'M TRANS AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE!

£5 for the person who knows which film I butchered that quote from.

Oh my word Charl slow down, breathe for god's sake.

Right let's try and be a little more clear.

I'm trans. After all this time forcing barriers between me and the word I can finally come to terms with it. This probably sounds really confusing to the casual readers of my page because you know, I've never pretended to not be trans. But I've never been able to admit it to myself if that makes sense and because of that I've let some really big decisions pass me by

This week has changed all of that, yeah I had an amazingly positive experience and I am in no way expecting that to be the norm, nor do I think that the path from here will be easier but.......

I'm going to go full time

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH ! Omg I know right ?!?! Me, the laziest blogger in the world. The one who has made up all the excuses in the world to why she shouldn't go full time has had enough. I've had enough of being seen as male. I've had enough of feeling like I'm being a weekend trans person. It's tiring and although the alternative path is scary I just can't continue what I'm doing. Which leads me onto the second part. After weighing up the options I'm.....

Going to transition

Sod it yeh? Let's just do it. No that sounds terribly spontaneous of me but yeah it's what needs to happen. This week I've been myself for the first time my entire life. No compromises, no excuses. I'm a trans woman.

So have that GP !

In all honestly what she said to me a few weeks back has in some round about way made things a lot clearer for, after she told me I was in her opinion 'very masculine in appearance and mannerisms' it really knocked me down,. I think most of my regular readers know how much that got to me. But again being out this week, exposed to the world with my big leather jackets and masculine swagger (Some say I walk like a Staffordshire bull terrier) I felt fine, I wasn't some compromised version of myself. I'm going to own it. 

Coming back home I've felt incredibly empowered, I don't know where to go from here. I'm running blind into the unknown where things can either go amazing or terrible, I do however have some incredible trans friends who have helped me through this last year. Sorry for having to put up with my constant questions and lack of decision making folks, it's been a long road but I think I'm there. So I'm going to say it again.

Hello, my name is Charlotte.

2016 Q&A

Right then you little devils listen up !

Last year I did a  Q&A video on my youtube channel to help break the ice. Although my channel had just started and my blog was quite small I still had a decent number of interesting questions. I spoke about shoes, sexuality and what politician I'd like to drop into a vat of 90's kids TV show gunge.

It was lots of fun and still one of my fav videos from last year. Soooo with that in mind....

Let's do it all again !

I'm going to be away on the 29th and 30th of March down in sunny Bournemouth, the perfect opportunity for me to answer some of your questions in a cool new environment. What do I need from you then ?

Some questions of course.

Now last year I kept this really open, I let people ask me absolutely anything. I didn't want it to be specifically about trans stuff, it worked really well so I'm going to do it again. This is your one chance (Until 2017) to ask me absolutely anything. If you want to know my shoe size, then ask. If you want to know my thoughts on the Ghostbusters trailer,go ahead. If you want to know my feelings on the sociopolitical landscape of a post Trump America....actually don't ask me that BUT anything is basically fine.

Within reason obviously

This isn't going to be a LOL LET'S LAUGH ALONG AT TERRIBLE COMMENTS thing. Nor will I be answering some stuff may be overly personal, what do I mean by that? Well I'd like to think my audience could work that out. But yeah basically anything. Whatever you want to ask.

I'll be taking questions up until Tuesday March 29th, after that you will need to wait an entire year to ask me what my favourite Elvis Presley song is.

You can leave a comment here (with your name if you want).
Or you can email me charlotterosewilliams1989@gmail.com
Facebook if you have my profile
Or tweet me @CharlotteWTalk

Great stuff ! I hope to hear from y'all soon.

Charlie

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right

B, A, aaannndd START

I've realised something recently, since I started taking steps to transition I can't shake the feeling that I'm lying to people....

Let me explain.....


As regular readers are aware, there are still a good few people that don't know I'm trans. I still present male around those people and as far as they are concerned there's no reason to doubt that. This goes for some close members of my family, my work place and friends. My decision to hold off on telling people is based on a few things, fear of loosing people and the worry of getting the sack among other things. This used to be really unbearable however I found some sort of sanctuary writing my feelings down on here. It's been a fantastic way for me to let loose and tell people what I'm currently doing. I'd say this blog has saved me I.E Charlotte in ways I couldn't even begin to describe. It has however caused some really weird conflict in my mind.

As this blog has grown I've made more of an effort to present female in public, I've posted about them a few times and this is something that's going to continue (I'm in Bournemouth in a few weeks being all super cool Charlie). But I've found that as I've made these decisions without the backing of those people mentioned above I...urm...how can I best put this.

Well yeah basically, it feels like I'm cheating....

(This is the point you realise the reference in the blog title and laugh) 

For example.....

I'm getting to that age now where people expect certain things, you know starting a family, moving in somewhere and start focusing on my career with this assumption that I'll be doing those things as a male, but if it's one thing we have all learned (well you lot have figured it out I'm still in this odd denial) it's that it ain't me.

I'm bloody trans for pity's sake

The longer I go without telling people the longer I feel like I have to keep up this weird charade, the nodding in agreement with people when they suggest places to move to all the while knowing that I want my life to go in this totally other direction. And it's making me feel like a terrible person. Every single time someone mentions 'my future' I feel like I'm stabbing people in the back or that I'm being unfaithful to those closest to me.

It's not just those people who see me daily that I feel like I'm lying to. I love the fact that on here, everyone knows my as Charlotte. That fool with the fringe and a wardrobe consisting of only black clothes. It's awesome that nobody will ever misgender me or ask for my male name. It's not always how I appear though issit and if I blog while presenting "Male" (in physical terms) or write some really clever tweet it sometimes feels like it's someone else doing the writing, or that my opinions should only really count if I was 100% out and out trans.

It's kind of making me feel a bit awful.

And I know I can just get out of this. I can have the life I want and still progress in my career, settle down with someone who cares and do this thing they call 'being an adult'. The life I want and the life I have right now are basically the same just with a few changes. Well one change. To stop being seen as a male and for people to see me as I am.

I usually like to end my blogs with some sort of positive answer or a plan to move forward. In this situation though honestly I have nothing, I just wanted to put something down here and get it off my chest.

Catch up on my transition stuff. I've yet to hear back from the GP and have been stuck under a pile of paperwork (and my own fear) to chase it up. The plan is to give em a ring next week to see what's happening.

Charlie xx

Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau

This is the one where I go on about transitioning in Wales.....

Right so it's been a few weeks since that first appointment and in that time I've been to another, last week as a matter of fact. In that first meeting I was kind of hoping the process would get explained to me a little more and how I go from where I am now to the GIC path. The relative newness of this whole thing however meant my GP had to do some digging. And it's kind of 'eeehhh' news (I'm assuming your all going to do that sound in your head and somehow it will make sense)

The second appointment was a far cry from the first. My doctor is still the same person as they ever were, that hasn't changed. Instead the content and intensity of what I've been asked and how it made me feel has changed. After the initial appointment it felt like a great weight had been lifted off my mind. I'd finally told someone how I was feeling outside a circle of friends and better still, this person was in a position to actually help me. From the outset of the second appointment however I kind of got the feeling that things were going to be an uphill struggle.

The same questions remained, sexual partners, sexuality, how long have I felt this way blah blah however instead of there being a caring ear at the end of my answers, it felt more like I was being tested. Like these questions, however irrelevant in my mind to transitioning were being used to grade how suitable I was to get referred.

And it hit me, this is how it's going to be isn't it? The questions, the accusations, the miscommunication. I'm on the path and this is where the real fight starts. I'd prepared myself for this, I knew that whatever I said would be met with a set of tick boxes, cross referenced to that time 10 years ago I dressed as a nurse in university for fancy dress. There was one thing I was not prepared for.

After the long speech about how it will mean I wont be able to get it up any more (or something along those lines) she made an assessment, not that she had to but all the same she made her opinion clear.

"Judging by how you sound and your mannerisms. I think you are more like a boy".

There it is, the cause of a fortnight of self loathing and anger. Someone, who I thought would be open to listen to me. To never judge a book by its cover. Would take a quick glance at me and essentially say I was too much like a boy.

Fuck that noise !

I mean, who the hell goes and says that to someone who is in this position. Someone who has struggled immensely over the last few years to even get to this first point. This initial meeting has been 5 years in the making and now. On the verge of making a decision was brushed off with an off hand comment about the fact I may not have shaved in like 2 days.

What the fuck does that even mean? Too much like a boy? What!?! I just don't understand what that even means as a concept. What is too much boy? Too much girl? So they expect to just roll up in a pink dress and heals saying I cry my makeup off every night as I hide my bleached blonde wig one last time? Is that what they want?

Because they ain't getting it.

I used to think that's how it was supposed to be. I had to wear the nice dresses and the cute clothes. But that was when I was like 16. Not 27 and in that time I've shrugged many elements of 'stereotypical femininity' and found a way to present my punk/rock style in a comfortable manner. She wasn't having it though.

I kind of left my appointment in a daze. I still don't know which way to progress now. I was told something about waiting for a mental health gatekeeper but I've yet to hear a single thing from them.

I was feeling quite crappy about the situation however I was ready to keep fighting. To find the next step and go from there. That was until I was made fully aware of the transition process here in Wales.

Before I continue I should stress I am quite a proud Welsh girl. I am incredibly proud of where I'm from, warts an all. I love the fact we have our own language and customs which still remain despite years of rule from across the river. We are a land of song and dance which nobody can take from us.........but out NHS can be a little bit toss.

So to make you all aware, and bare in mind I'm still super new so this could be totally wrong. But the steps to get referred to a GIC is still years behind our British counterparts. It's around a 5 step process with gatekeepers along the way. The process doesn't work in a trans persons favour and it can in my opinion put people in danger.

One of the things my GP picked up on was me not being full time just yet, for family and work reasons I am yet to make that leap just yet. I work on a term basis and consistency is key so to rock up one day in my makeup could really cause problems without significant forewarning. If they had their way however I'd have to start like right now despite being far from ready to do it.

It's honestly kind of got me in a slump, I've kind of reeled away from trans related discussions and even thinking about what I'm going to do scares me to such an extend it makes me ill. My life is still going on around me too, family plans, work progressing nicely. All the while I'm still stuck in the same mindset I've had since I was small.

I need to be a girl.

SOOOOOOO, that's why I've been away for the last fortnight. Why friends have had to deal with me shouting at them and using them as virtual shoulders to cry on. Why I've pushed transitioning to the back of my mind in the hope that it can be consumed by a false desire to just be a cis person.

But I'm not. I'm fucking trans, and the sooner I can accept that the quicker I can make real progress.

Honestly any sort of advice would be amazing right now. Thanks already to my friends who have text me, sent me contact details of people who may be able to help and when it comes down to it, been there for me. I don't deserve friends as good as you lot (You know who you are !) and I hope that I haven't annoyed people in the last few weeks.

To help with this process I've taken on a new hobby. POETRY ! It started in the middle of last week while I was toying with some simple ABAB rhyming structures. Since then I've started to work on something more serious that I hope to present to you soon, So while you wait I'd just like to say thank you for all your amazing advice recently y'all !

Charlie xxx

Babies first appointment

After months of planning and thinking I finally had my first doctors appointment this week, I've had a few questions about what happened so instead of telling people individually I've decided to put it down here.

My appointment was on Tuesday (Feb 2nd) at 8:40am. The first hurdle I had to get over was finding a way to leave the house early in the morning without too many questions from family. I don't work on Tuesday's so I couldn't exactly pretend I was off. I do however have the uncanny ability to bullshit my way out of any situation. The night before I accidentally discovered I needed a pile of supplies for my work from town and that I wanted to go in early so I'd have the full day. This worked with minimal fuss and well, as much as I find my ability to dodge questions quite amazing it isn't really how things should be. I should be open and say what I'm doing, but for the time being let's just continue to evade a little longer.

Now here's a little fact about me. I've not been to the doctors in around a decade, I just don't visit for any reason. I could be falling apart and have 3 minutes to live and I'd still be afraid to make an appointment....mostly because the NHS wait times are longer than 3 minutes, but mostly I hate the thought that people don't believe me when I say something (Judging by my question evading superpower this makes things kind of weird). So it was a big thing going to talk about this to my GP, I felt like I had to in some way, even at this early stage convince them that I needed to transition.

The appointment itself went as expected, I was told by my friends that in a lot of cases GP's will know the basic terminology but are in no way remotely able to find the right path at that first appointment and this was the case with me. I'd gone through it in my head thousands of times in the days leading up, what I wanted to say and how I was going to say it. I didn't want to give my GP any chance to sway me or suggest alternative paths, I wanted to get referred and that's what I was going to do.

Well the best laid plans and all that, I kind of totally forgot what I wanted to say as soon as I sat down. Starting with a joke about "this ain't the kind of thing you hear at half 8 in the morning" perhaps wasn't the greatest start but after fortunately my GP put my at ease. She is actually super cool and was really open to what I was saying.

So what did I say? I told her (as best as I could) that I'd felt like this for years and I wanted to get referred to the GIC. That it was getting increasingly difficult to present as male and I wanted to get the ball rolling before I reached my 30's and settled down more. I was warned by a few trans folks not to go to deep into terms and keep it really simple. This worked really well as she wasn't totally up on different terms and the like. She asked questions about my sexual orientation and some physical things but other than that it was focused on getting me the support I needed. She asked if I wanted to see any physical changes and that if I needed to was I going to change my name etc. Now I'm sure we all have different experiences with GP's and I bet there's someone ready in the comments to talk about if she said the right or wrong things but all that matters is that she listened. For the first time I could speak to someone outside my friends or family about what I wanted and I feel that I was treated with respect.

She did ask if I had told any of my friends and how I was going to go about it. We chatted for a while about how I was going to do that and she came up with some suggestions which was super nice of her. Despite her lack of understanding about what to do in this situation she was at least open to listening to me. However because of the newness of this situation she wasn't totally able to help at this first meeting, I was told that I'd get a call in about 2 weeks to come back in once she read up on the process.

Now my current situation

Just 2 days later I've been given a second appointment for the 15th of Feb ! From the brief chat we had on the phone we are going to at this meeting get my application off for referral and to speak with someone who may have more experience with this sort of stuff. What I found kind of interesting was the apology she gave for using my current name after I mentioned in the previous meeting I was going to (eventually) change it. We may complain about our GP's but there's still so many who care, even if they don't have the answers straight away.

So where am I now with my transition? I've not really changed much since my last blog, I still feel like transitioning is right for me and that it was probably always an inevitable thing. But (and although I use the term a lot) I'm finding it super difficult to say "Look I'm trans". This may sound super odd to some of my readers I'm sure but I've always been able to hide behind my masculinity, even if that was sometimes a source of pain. The thought that I may actually be just a trans woman, is a scary and exciting thing to me. But aaaahhh shuuutttt it Charlotte that's going to be another blog next week :P.

Update on the update.

Well what a week I've had ! It's been just over a week since I set the day for my phone call to the NHS. For around 4 months now I've been chatting to some of my close friends about the possibility that I might transition. Since that night out in October where I was...let's be honest attacked for who I was I've felt super exposed. I've to make a choice about what I wanted to do with myself going forward. Am I happy to remain as I am? Essentially a guy who presented female when I can. Or was it time to start thinking about making the BIG decision.....

Am I going to transition?

I've gone back and forth on this for a while, and in all honestly I still am. I don't know 100% what I want to do and this changes each day. I knew I had to at least make the call and speak to someone about it. And right now if you were to ask me what I want to do then my heart is telling me that it's time I set the wheels in motion to transtion.

Omg ! Whaaaaaa? Really?

In a word, yeah. Like right at this moment, taking in account everything that's been happening to me over the last year I want to transition.

So what has changed? It wasn't so long back that I was totally ok with being genderfluid. And yeah for a while it was working quite well. It gave me a safety net to express my gender and to retreat back to my masculine side when it was difficult to present female, even if I wanted to or not. The more I've been open about this however the more I'm beginning to think that it really isn't right for me, or at least the way I am right now looking/presenting male 90% of the time. I'm going to use the D word right now....it was making me feel dysphoric.I've been increasingly more uncomfortable with people using male pronouns when referring to me, hell I down right despise people using my male name these days. It feels like it ain't me and my inability to express that is affecting my life quite a lot.

This ain't the first time I've considered transitioning, when I was first starting University (approx 2007) I thought a fresh start would enable me to make this big change in my life. I decided not to and that decision has haunted me a little. I think I mentioned in an earlier blog that frustration has led me to hit out at people quite a lot and that's something I'm not proud of. So now I want to at least give this some serious consideration with a medical professional. You know what though? When I am presenting as Charlotte. I feel calm, I feel at ease with myself and my surroundings. I don't feel like I have to pretend.

This is like the first time though that I've ever really talked about dysphoria on this page. I usually keep it out of my vocabulary here because I didn't even realise I felt that way. That kind of changed as I said earlier on that night out at the end of October. My gender identity being ripped from me by some ass hole on a dance floor really cut me deep and that sudden, unwanted shift in my identity hurt. I hated that person but more than that I hated myself. I hated how I felt and how I looked. Not how I looked then at that moment but afterwards. Ever since then I've been trying to gear up for this appointment with the doctors and well...now I've done it.

Where do I see this going then? Do I want to eventually up having HRT? GRS? Am I going to tell my family? What about work? Well right now the plan is to get referred to whatever clinic a girl from the valleys gets to go. Hopefully with more time I will be able to make an informed decision. If you were to ask me right now though I'd say I want to start HRT. I want to do all the legal mumbo jumbo and change my gender on my driving license (haha). I want to start living my life not as two genders and not as a man. I want to live my life as Charlotte.

Let's see though yeah?

February 2nd at 8:40

Yesterday I tweeted everyone to say I had a secret phone call to make, and now I've done so I wanted to reveal to y'all what that was. It's nothing earth shattering but you know......well.....

I just booked an appointment with my GP to discuss transitioning.

February 2nd at 8:40 in the morning !

I mean....I have no idea what I'm going to say or do. I know this is just the first tiny hurdle in an uphill battle. Even now just 5 minutes after making the call I feel like my future is far more uncertain than ever. But the more I sit and think the more I feel like this is the right path for me to take. So let's see what will happen in 2 weeks. On February 2nd at 8:40 in the morning.

I can barely get up before 11 so this should be fun.

2015 Review : June - October

Even during a summer break I can't crack a smile.

JUNE

Probably my least favourite month of this year. I only posted about 3 blogs throughout the summer and they were quite controversial. Although my blog on Facebook's use of the pride flag was incredibly popular (The highest page views out of any of my posts) I remember June mostly for this....

http://transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/06/6-month-update.html

Not much to say about this one, just lots of juicy stories for you to sink your teeth into surrounding a night out in Bristol and my first real taste of twitter trolls.

JULY

I took the summer off to work on some other projects (which are still coming) so there's only one thing I can post here, it's part one of my coming out vlog...

http://transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/coming-out.html

I'm amazed looking back how far I feel I've come since then, it makes me excited and nervous to see what the next 6 months will bring.

AUGUST

I did nothing in August. Too busy sleeping and working, pretend I wrote some amazing expose' on the Government or something

SEPTEMBER

I only wrote one real piece in September. It's all about representation of trans people in the media. Mostly how the media portrays trans lives and some ways in which we can move in a positive direction.....

http://transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/representation.html

I quite like this piece, it's something I feel could be expanded a little more in a vlog or some form of group chat, but as a small off the cuff thing I'm ok with it.

OCTOBER

October was going to be my month of genderfluid stuff. While I had some big plans for it I have been hit with more responsibilities at work making my blog writing time significantly less. I did however put together this little piece....

http://transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/an-open-letter-to-my-man.html

One of the things I find when speaking to people who I.D as GF, especially those who are not open about it is the sense of feeling torn. This can lead to resentment and anger towards ones self , something that I've experienced quite a few times in my life. Since writing this piece I feel I have a much clearer image of where I'm going and what I need to do.

So that's June to October. This was possibly the difficult period for my blog but I take every opportunity as a chance to learn something new. Come back on Monday for the last two months and some final thoughts

Look how happy I am