The 5 Questions

When I tell people about me being Trans I always end up getting asked the same few questions over and over again. Now I have no problem at all answering people’s questions. To most people I’ve met and discussed it they have known me for 20+ years as the obnoxious, loud and ever so slightly brash male me. To find out then there’s a totally different side to me is often confusing. Although I tell people that I am no different It's still sometimes a rather big thing to simply comprehend. So I’ve compiled a little list and some answers to the questions I get asked on a regular basis. 

Q) Are you gay? 
A) Nope, I don’t know how else I can elaborate on this other than no. This question has always confused me a little. It could be the association with the LGB community; it could be peoples misunderstanding of how sexuality and gender work. Who knows but if a 5 year relationship to an amazing Woman isn’t evidence enough then I don’t know what is. 

 Q) What do I call you?
 A) Whatever you want to call me. I have friends who call me by both of my names, one of them or just utter an expletive whenever they want to get my attention. It’s not about forcing myself upon people. If friends aren’t quite ready then I won’t pressure them. 

Q) When are you having a sex change? 
A) Never. Now this is a bone of contention between some people I know in the Trans community. How can you call yourself Trans if you aren’t going to make the ‘switch’? Well there’s more to it than just what you are physically. To me its first and foremost a state of mind. Being two people for lack of a better word has given me incredibly insight and has made me incredibly happy. I wouldn’t change what I have now for the world. 

Q) How often are you Charlotte ? 
A) I can see what people mean by this question. When am I in their eyes dressed up or when am I in that mode for lack of a better term. The answer is there's no hard and fast rule for it. As I believe that being Trans is a mental rather than physical thing for me, even if I'm not physically 'dressed' as a Woman I am more often than not mentally in that zone. 

Q) Do you pass as a Woman ? 
A) You tell me ! I think it depends on what you perceive as Womanhood. I guess if your perception of femininity is how we look or act then I guess not. I have been told that as Charlotte I do behave differently. This I thought could be down to my own idea of what a Woman is but then I began to look at it differently. Perhaps Charlotte is the real me. Free from inhibitions or being told to act a certain way.

There are a couple more questions I get asked but for now 5 is good. To my Trans readers (I know your out there!) what are the questions you get asked often? How do you deal with them and how would you deal with the 5 I posed above.  

Charlie xx

Me Myself and Charlie : Part Three

This is the third and final part in my Charlie & Me story. This won’t be the last time I bring up stuff from my past. There are still some parts missing here but to keep the story as interesting as possible I have removed some of the more boring stuff. This is also going to be quite a short conclusion. Although light on words I hope it will resonate with a few of you. We good? Let’s continue

In my last post I talked about a series of really horrible events that happened to me a good number of years ago, events that led me to resent who I was. I thought by throwing away Charlie it would somehow make me happy but in actual fact it did the total opposite.

It wasn't until my third year of University, spurred on by my then new partner that I decided to open up again about my past and who I was. Then it hit me. I wasn't resenting myself, I resented everyone who had made me feel weak for no reason other than that they could. I wasn't to blame, they were.

I decided it was time I made some changes.

The few years between then and now have been ones of self discovery once again. I've made significant changes to both my Trans and non Trans side in terms of who I speak to and who I trust. For some a closing circle of friends may sound like a tragedy, a sickening effect on the way I was treated however I see it as nothing but a positive. I know who I can talk to and trust with any issues I have. There was though one lingering question that needed to be answered. When was I going to come out publicly?

I’m going to write a feature on this in more detail soon but I’d just like to shed some light on my decision to take some steps to openly come out as Trans. This year I wanted to have a more positive outlook and take more control over my life, this also meant coming out. At the start of the year I began to open up. It could be said that I had not learned the lessons from the past but why should a bad experience deter me from being me? I’d made the decision to come out to my family by the end of 2014. So far it looks like I’m still on track.

The next step in my journey is to open up to my family. Some of my family knows and those who do who have been incredible rocks during this process. I spend quite significant amount of time as Charlotte and am venturing out for the first time as me. And I honestly couldn't be happier. I can’t remember a time of my life where I've felt as happy or as positive as I do now.

The journey from then to here has been one of ups and downs, highs and lows. There have been some absolutely amazing times which I may document here in the future but also times of despair. My hope is by letting you all in it will benefit us all. Nobody should have to live in fear of being who they are and I hope I can in some small way do something to aid in our cause. 

Charlie xx

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Me Myself and Charlie : Part Two

I've decided to split this into three sections and this is sort of the dark middle chapter. ‘The Transgender Emperor Strikes Back’ so to speak. This one is going to consist of me opening a lot of old wounds, events I've for reasons you will see below have tried to forget. Up until this point it’s been quite easy to simply think of what’s happened to me between the age of 16 and 20 as kids just being kids. By doing so however I've almost let them get away with doing disgusting acts in the name of an easy life. It’s about time I let this stuff go public in the hopes of stopping others from falling into the same trap.

It all started with a girl.

I’d begun to find some grounding with my Trans self. Could even say I was becoming comfortable with being Charlotte in social circles. Despite knowing that the effects of letting the world know would have massive repercussions on everyone I knew I was not prepared to let that deter me. I wanted people to know that this is who I was and I was proud of it. At first it was telling a few people in confidentiality. Now looking back ten years on I would have told 15 year old Charlotte to stop being so naïve and seriously consider who she was prepared to tell but that’s not something you really think about at that age. And boy did I pick the worst person to tell.

I don’t even know how I ended up telling this person. It wasn't as if I was exactly great friends with her. Perhaps that’s what it was, being so distant may have meant that any perceptions of who I was before hand were limited to some polite nods and hello’s. But I told her anyway. At first it was fine. She asked some questions, I responded and that was about it. Everything appeared normal until my social group changed somewhat and I ended up falling out with this person. And I bet you can guess what’s coming…

Not going to lie, mobile phones are an incredible tool until you are on the receiving end of threats and abuse from someone who you considered to be a friend. Threats of telling not only my friends but the entire school, threats of social media outage and generally just making my existence a bit of a nightmare. And who could I talk to? The other people who knew followed her, too scared to speak out and in some cases even helped perpetuate the cycle of abuse I received for almost 6 months. And even if I could speak out what could I say? I had to find a circle of trust to fight my corner and that’s when I opened up to an old childhood friend. Fortunately this individual has been incredibly supportive and we have remained in close contact to this day.

As I said above this continued for almost half a year, texts and comments were an almost daily occurrence. My attempts however were in vain and despite forging some sort of reconciliation between us she decided to tell some people anyway. To this day I still receive comments from members of my school year asking if I’ve admitted to being a ‘tranny’ (yeah classy guys my school year). I decided the only way to stop this was to essentially wall myself off and live my school life day to day until university. This however only intensified the comments which culminated in my near self destruction some years later.

University had come round and it was time to re invent myself, someone who could be open in a welcoming environment that treated these issues as normal occurrences and not a novelty for underdeveloped Neanderthal minds. I’d begun to use social media outlets as Charlotte and had developed a following for myself among the CD/TV/TG circles. That was until someone caught on to it.

For the record I am trying to keep my language to a minimum however I find it difficult to describe this individual as anything other than a total and utter cock. This individual had for the longest wanted to inflict some sort of damage to me, something that I found out much later on. He used probably one of the most cowardly, despicable and downright pathetic attempts to get at me which ultimately backfired. He convinced several of my friends that I had while on a school trip to the United States wanted to in his words ‘fight them’. Looking back this sounds incredibly pitiable on his part but they took the bait. I still don’t know to this day where this idea came from as this was never the case and I never led him to believe so. The three amigos then plotted their revenge. And it would come in the form of a public social media attack against me. Fake Facebook and IM accounts were made as me. Public comments about my love for ‘pink underwear’ and the like were posting across the web. Finding out what was happening almost destroyed me. Especially since this had been going on for a significant amount of time before I discovered it. I was at my lowest by this point. Having my personal life thrown out where I did not want it was incredibly disturbing to me. Some would argue that it was my own fault for having a social media page for Charlotte however that’s essentially blaming the victim and not the bullies.

Fortunately by this point my circle of trust had extended to some really incredible people who rallied around me with force. The fuckers in question who made the page were promptly forced to take down the page and had to issue an apology however this did not shake the feeling that I had been abused by these people. They took my personal information and used that to get at me and there was nothing I could do. These people were miles away from me and I had to essentially watch it unfold before my eyes. I sat there far away from any close friends & family watching what I felt was my life unravel before me. I wouldn't say there were any suicidal feelings, the thought has never crossed my mind but it really did push me back into the shell and it almost made me despise who I was. I resented Charlotte. Why did I have to endure something that I couldn't control? It felt like an incredible weight on my shoulders and I couldn't take it anymore. I had already lost my first long term girlfriend partly because of this and now it felt like it was doing more harm than good. That’s when I decided to throw away what little of Charlotte I had. I buried her deep down inside of me and I was determined to never let her out again….

Well I hope you all got something from the dark part of this story. On reflection this time of my life may have informed the feisty & fierce take no prisoners Woman Charlotte is but that’s a story for another time. I promise the next episode will be a little lighter though. Every story should have some sort of happy ending. 

Charlie xx

Me Myself and Charlie : Part One

I suppose I should begin with a little back story on how I became the person I am today. First however I want to preface it with a few points.

Probably, Definitely

I'm going to split this up into two or three smaller chunks over the next month. I don't want to throw it all out in one big go as a lot of what I want to say is still quite raw. Even the good times will have a hint of emotional baggage attached to them so I want to try and let it all out slowly. Second this story contains quite a number of players, all with different motivations, feelings and opinion on the Transgender movement as a whole. Some of them are positive and others less so. I won’t be putting any real names on here publicly and where possible I will use pseudonyms so we don't end up with 'he said' 'she said' sort of deal. Despite how satisfying it might be to run the names of the less supportive people through the mud or to promote those who have helped I don't think it would be wise at this moment. With all that out the way here's a slightly hazy account of how I became to be Charlotte.

I say became to be because in all honesty it was never something that occurred to me as a child. I'd love to say that my earliest memories were of 'wanting' to be a girl but really I can't remember any feelings like that before my mid teens. I'm sure though that a keyboard psychiatrist could link some of my activities as a child with what would later become 'me'. Thinking about my group of friends at school, the amount of female company I kept in comparison to boys is 3 to 1, perhaps even more if I thought even harder. Coming from a relatively poor area in both wealth and education there was a definite divide between what boys and girls did in school and I kind of fell into the latter. I had a much greater interest in what girls had to say and the activities they played. My first real friend was a girl and that led me to become acquainted with quote unquote "girls toys". Years later I had the opportunity to work with children for a brief period of time and I was fascinated by the greater social mix between the sexes as there was none of that when I was little. I guess it could be argued that these younger years informed me as to who I was and let me express that side even if I wasn't fully aware of it. Or it could be that I came from a socially bankrupt area where boys did boy things and girls did girl things.

But I digress,

Answers on a postcard

The first earliest vivid memory I have is between 2002 and 2004 while watching a certain Geordie based comedy (Fans of obscure British programs will probably guess the show and episode) where a father ends up reuniting with his trans son (well he plays a drag queen but for sake of me not remembering all the details trans is the best word for this situation). I had begun to think that something wasn't quite as it should be in my life. Now I'd moved into comprehensive school I realised that maybe there was more to it than just me liking girls more as company. That perhaps there was some underlying reason that I shied away from most things traditionally male. Looking back, knowing what we know about gender roles as a social construct it might sound a little odd but to me it makes perfect sense. I was only aware of these traditional roles and for some reason I had conditioned myself to fall into them. I was befriending girls and taking on the norms associated with them because, perhaps I wasn't supposed to be the boy that I was born as. And like a million puzzle pieces falling into place I had a sudden awakening. And there on screen was me. I was that person. And in that brief moment I knew that I was Charlotte. 

 These first few months were probably the most hectic part of my discovery and definitely the most awkward. Unlike the rest of my friends who had grown over many years into the individuals they were, for me it was almost as if the 14 years of my life prior to this moment was all for nothing. I had to relearn everything about myself almost from scratch. What did I have to wear now? What would I call myself? How the heck does a bra work? I had so many questions and no real answers. I couldn't exactly walk up to a member of my family to ask what the best way to apply eyeliner is. I had to go at it alone for quite some time. The first few attempts were nothing more than me thinking about these things rather than exploring them. It wasn't until I told a girlfriend a few years later that I had some form of education. I was a girl without any knowledge of what it was to be one. Although incredibly exciting it did have a serious affect on my life in and out of school.

I became a fan of these around the
same time so blame them !

My work most definitely suffered because of it. This sudden realisation became the focal point of my entire though process for years to come. I became far more rebellious, mainly down to being a teenager and you know that's what we do but also as I resented the society and the people who would not let me be me. I was aware at the time that to come out as Trans would have serious ramifications on everyone involved. It's a potentially destructive thing even now. I spent more time trying to think of what I was going to say and do if the truth ever got out rather than concentrating on maybe doing better in class. At this point (maybe 16/17) I made some rather stupid decisions and trusted perhaps the wrong people. Which as we will see in the next blog costed me dearly.

So that's it for my first about me blog. It's incredibly rough around the edges but I hope you enjoyed reading part of my story. If you have any comments or suggestions remember to just drop me a message. I'd love to hear from you :)

Charlie xx

Hello World !

So, um, yeah. Hi all !

My name is Charlotte and I'm a 20 something transgender woman. In the last year I've finally began coming to terms with who I am and am beginning to take my first Bambi like steps into the world of blogging. Why? Well I've discovered the therapeutic nature of telling my story to people in real life and thought it was about time I shared it with a wider audience. My trans journey is probably similar to many other men and women in my position however, I feel I could shine more light on my position in the hopes of inspiring others.

Before we begin however just a little bit about this blog

This blog will be mostly focused on how I see the world around me as a trans woman. My experiences both good and bad. My inspirations and what's to come. I'll be filling this page with interviews and discussions with other writers on various levels of the gender spectrum. Although this page will be focused on trans issues I don't want it to become a page where I display all my open wounds to the public. Despite not being fully open to the world (more on that in another post) I still find my life as a trans woman amazing and I want to share that with you. It won't all be doom & gloom I assure you.

Now I'm writing this on an iPad mini on sort of a whim so this will probably end up being a rather on the cuff first post, I'll make sure to update this page with even more goodness. So hello to you all and welcome to Transpotting (lol)

Charlie xx