An open letter to my man

Dude, we need to talk.

This past year has been such a difficult journey for me. Like, I know you know how I feel.But, and this may sound weird. I don't think either of us fully grasps the other. I've wanted to speak to you for quite some time. I'm having to be a different person when all I can focus on is the pain that it's causing. I can't control these emotions any more than you can. But we need to come to some sort of arrangement.

I saw you a few weeks ago, staring back at me. The beard, the clothes. That wasn't me, we needed to change something. So we did. We removed the shackles of having to be a guy and we became me. And it was great, I was happy for a little while. It all came to an end though when you came back, to come stare at me again. "Why are you wearing a skirt? Why do you have makeup on? This isn't you is it?"

It's hurtful, those comments can cause serious pain. And the worst part about all of this is those comments came from me. I said those things to myself. We stood there and categorically decided in that one moment that I was being foolish for expressing my identity.

This isn't the first time that it's happened, I've been equally as vindictive and spiteful against you. Sometimes I really hate how you are. Like why are we inhabiting this same space? You are there saying all these things and pretending to be this person when we both know that in the moment that isn't us. But sometimes it is, very briefly I see us and think. Fuck, if we could just focus on being how we are right now maybe things might not be so bad. And for a moment I fool myself into thinking that if you win then we will be ok. We both know however that things don't work that way. These two genders occupy the same space, and both have a legitimate right to be expressed.

We need to stick up for ourselves more. When you hear those comments from people who think you are all that there is about us. When they dissect and make comment about the trans community, yet we remain silent. Scared that this could lead to an outburst, it has happened before. We almost lost someone we care for so dearly because of this. And I still sit there and get choked up over it. We lock away those emotions and it never goes well, after so long the pressure cooker explodes and it always leads to blow back on us. If only people could understand that the exterior you give off isn't always you, and being able to safely express yourself would lead to more positive outcomes.

I'm calmer when I know that whenever the feelings change, we can transition from either identity. In the long run there isn't two people here. We are the same person, but it's obvious that sometimes it feels that way. That needs to stop, I need to stop doing it. We both need to stop doing it.

So, what am I actually saying? Perhaps it's time we tried to work together. It has always felt like it's me against you. You are an ass and I can be a bit of a bitch to you. Let's just not from now on is it?

Let's leave the closet in the next year.

Genderfluid Month Vlog

Oh look it's me again. Talking about stuff.

Genderfluidity Month Intro

So, urm...HEY EVERYONE

Today is the first day of October, so you know what that means? I'm dedicating an entire month to something that is really important to my gender identity journey, by talking about the identity that I feel best describes me.

Why am I doing this then you all ask ? Well I talk quite a lot on this page about my experiences being female and how those experiences relate to her. As in me. As in..well yeah see that's the thing. G.F is such a complicated and fuzzy thing that I wanted to let you all in on how that feels. Some of the frustrations and how I cope with having essentially two genders.

What will I be talking about then? I've got a few little topics planned,next week I will be doing another vlog on how being genderfluid has been both a positive and negative experience. I will talk about labels soon and how I feel those can be a double edged sword. I want to (if I can) get someone on here to guest write, and maybe (if your lucky) you will get to hear more from the side of my gender identity that never really appears here all that often.

I'll be trying some new things that I haven't done before with my writing. So hopefully it will be at least interesting and informative. As for my Twitter I will try and post as many links and resources about this subject throughout the month. So if you don't already follow me there should be a link somewhere on this page. Maybe I'll even make a little #genderfluidmonth hashtag just so you can find whatever I post.

Check back in a few days (When I'm not working my socks off) to see what I have planned

Charlie xxx