Leading a double life

This post has gone through like 5 or so changes. Let's hope this is the last.

Before I continue just a little update. On the weekend I went to visit one of my oldest friends at her new pad in the big ol London. Not only is she a fantastic blogger (which you can read here) and a big help to this page, but also an amazing Trans Ally. I'd say bad influence as a joke but in all seriousness her advice is priceless. So before I continue with the rest of the blog I'd like to leave her a big thanks on the page like an idiot, and apologise for all the sexy guys & girls who will now flood her page. I.E you guys :) !

But back on topic....

I was browsing some forums this week and came across an interesting topic. The forum is mostly dedicated to those who identify as CD first though it's still an inclusive and supportive page for everyone on the Transgender spectrum. The post was focused on having a different personality/persona while dressed Female. And this got me thinking. Does being genetically Male but identifying as Female give me two personalities? 

When I was younger I thought that there were two different me's. As I didn't identify as Trans until around a year or two ago I did really think that Charlie was a separate person. Life was a constant struggle between the person I thought I was and the person I had inside of me. This unhealthy relationship between the two people fighting for attention caused me to be far more irrational and angry than I am now. It sounds a little convenient but I did definitely put on a harder nosed persona while in public. Although those who know me in real life would say I am not a traditionally masculine person, I would for a number of years try to take on these traits. Of course anyone who has spent time looking at the differences in the Sexes can tell you that these traits are not mutually exclusive to each but hey I was 16 years old . The only experience I'd had with the differences in Gender roles came from my fairly traditional background. It wasn't until well after University that both my persona's aligned and I realised that Charlotte isn't another person. Charlotte is me.

I used to talk about myself often in the third person. I believed that this gave both myself and others an opportunity to disassociate from the reality of the situation. If Charlotte was this other person for example, they could talk about her without embarrassment or awkwardness. This changed around 3 years ago when I realised that I was Trans. Genderfluid or otherwise I was just one person and that's when my 'alter ego' faded. However it was the overly aggressive macho Male persona that retreated. That really wasn't me, so why try to be two people?

Now, and here's the clever bit. This is where I link some of this back to my visit to London on the weekend. While speaking to my friend, doing my makeup (which you know I am quite excellent at these days) we talked about the importance of me being openly Female more often. She has on many occasions listened to an upset Charlotte being pulled between two Genders and her (my) desire to just be Female. And this is where she said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. 

"You should be you more often".

This could be one of the most important points someone has ever made to me, and one that may act as a turning point for my life going forward (Sorry Hun). Maybe I need to be just one me, even if that one me is currently two people. Or who knows maybe I am two people and I just don't know. 

While traveling back from London these words were stuck in my head. It could be about time I started to consider being just one person. I've often made light of the situation in front of others. I make comments about what could happen if I decided to just identify as Female. But maybe I should start asking these questions for real. I may not want to hear the answer when I find out who that is, however it could be just what I need.

P.S I can damn well rock a T-Shirt and Shorts combo.....

February is kind of important

I'm going to do one of those one year retrospective things now so watch out !

February is kind of important for me. February the 12th to be exact. Because that was the day I decided to stop living in denial and fear of who I was. To get out there and try to be the person that I am today. Without this day there wouldn't be this blog and without it I wouldn't have a new found respect and love for my closest friends. Yeah it's Feb 13th today so I'm a day off writing this post but shhh don't tell anyone.

I remember late 2012 when Laura Jane Grace, the incredible singer of Punk band Against Me! was featured in an article for Rolling Stone. In said article she laid her cards on the table and announced to the world she was Trans. There has always been an LGBT element in punk music, most notably the Queercore offshoot, however for the first time I felt a personal connection with a musician. It was as if Laura was speaking directly to me. I'd been a fan of her band for a number of years but my tastes veered off during University. This article felt like a reunion. Last time you spoke to me I knew you as Tom and now as Laura I feel even more connected. I'd always tried to keep both my Male and Female personas separate especially on social media, but after reading I did something I never have before. I posted the article on my personal Facebook page. This was for me the beginning of this whole journey. 

Things went a little quiet through 2013. Focusing more on my education again I let the words of LJG fade into memory. That was until Jan of 2014 when her band released the absolutely incredible Transgender Dysphoria Blues.

What can I say which hasn't already been said other than this is probably the most important album in my entire life. Even though it's been out for just over a year it's influenced and helped me more so than any other piece of music. The entire album is full of hard hitting songs which all in some way speak to me personally. Much like the article it felt like the band had written an entire album just for me. I don't know how many times the album repeated in my Spotify until I finally bought a copy for myself on February the 12th. I could finally take the album wherever I went and it was then that I realised I'd been running from myself.

I was on a bus coming home from work when my iPod shuffled to in my opinion the best song on the album 'fuckmylife666'. "Edgy" name aside it really did for me encapsulate all the frustrations I'd felt being Trans. The album had a definite ark and this was the point where I was in my own life. I got off the bus and walked for a while. I felt it was time to change things in my life. And that's when I decided to not run any more (Not physically I haven't run in years :P) and face up to who I am. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks Laura. You have helped me tackle my own insecurities and have made me proud to be the person I am. You have mentioned in a number of articles you don't like being called a role model and the like but to me your words are the cornerstone of my new Trans life. Charlotte 2.0 or something if you will. You will probably never read this (Unless I spam your Twitter page which I'm SO GOING TO DO) but thanks for everything. 

One year on so much has changed. I have come out to so many people and I'm beginning to understand more about myself. This blog is just one part of that, by writing my life here I hope to inspire and to make sense of everything. 

On another note I managed to see Against Me! during their November tour of the U.K. I've seen some bands in my time but nobody can rock as hard as you ! Even if you stood on my head at one point.

Here we are again

Some of you may be aware of the recent news surrounding the murder of Trans Woman Yazmin Payne. She was found stabbed to death when Firefighters responded to an apartment fire in the Van Nuys area of Los Angeles. The murder of anyone Trans or otherwise is a tragedy, what makes this worse is it's another number in an increasingly growing statistic. A statistic which has seen three Trans Women of colour killed in the last month alone.

This isn't the first time in recent weeks that I've had to write about a similar tragedy and it feels like we can't go a week without finding a news article about some form of Transphobia. This really isn't the place for me to comment on how or why this happens nor do I know the answers, I'm going to try however. 

When any minority begins to gain any sort of awareness negativity is sure to follow, and as a group we have had to suffer a significant amount. This isn't oppression Olympics obviously but the fact that people are being targeted SPECIFICALLY because of their Gender is seriously messed up. 2014 on the whole was a time of great celebration for us as a community. It was still book-ended by tragic events however for the first time it felt like we were winning. 2015 I'm not so sure.

I shouldn't even have to write this. How is being Trans a negative? Why does being Trans warrant abuse and violence? We hurt no one yet there's still a belief we can be tormented. 

Trans Men & Women have to face abuse and ridicule on a daily basis. We are just Men in Dresses. Freaks who find some sort of thrill from dressing up as a girl. Less than human and open to beatings, bullying and murder. 

This attitude is not only abhorrent but factually untrue. Regardless of the reasons for being who we are it does not give anyone an excuse to act out their violent fantasies upon us.

The world is a dangerous place. It's especially dangerous when you can't help but be the person who you are. We are hurt for who we are. For being Women, for being Men. For being Human.

HRC (Human Rights Campaign) are working alongside the Trans People of Colour Collective with the hope of spreading awareness and support for the community. They released a report outlining some of the areas where we are being failed and are calling for action to be taken. Link here. This will hopefully prove worthwhile and it will ensure that the memories of these Men & Women won't be forgotten.

What can we do as then to raise awareness? Well just be an ally. Raise awareness of the issues facing the Trans community. March alongside us hand in hand. Be brave. Be a friend.

I'm not sure what I really wanted to say by this piece. Unlike most of my other essay type blogs I've not had a few weeks to plan and it could come off as a little rushed. But with any luck someone who isn't aware of recent events will read this and look into what's been going on. Every little helps, even if that help is coming from a slightly irate part time girl.

If you want to look into any of the issues raised in more detail then I suggest starting with the Human Rights Campaign page. Link Here. Let's turn 2015 into a positive one !