Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau

This is the one where I go on about transitioning in Wales.....

Right so it's been a few weeks since that first appointment and in that time I've been to another, last week as a matter of fact. In that first meeting I was kind of hoping the process would get explained to me a little more and how I go from where I am now to the GIC path. The relative newness of this whole thing however meant my GP had to do some digging. And it's kind of 'eeehhh' news (I'm assuming your all going to do that sound in your head and somehow it will make sense)

The second appointment was a far cry from the first. My doctor is still the same person as they ever were, that hasn't changed. Instead the content and intensity of what I've been asked and how it made me feel has changed. After the initial appointment it felt like a great weight had been lifted off my mind. I'd finally told someone how I was feeling outside a circle of friends and better still, this person was in a position to actually help me. From the outset of the second appointment however I kind of got the feeling that things were going to be an uphill struggle.

The same questions remained, sexual partners, sexuality, how long have I felt this way blah blah however instead of there being a caring ear at the end of my answers, it felt more like I was being tested. Like these questions, however irrelevant in my mind to transitioning were being used to grade how suitable I was to get referred.

And it hit me, this is how it's going to be isn't it? The questions, the accusations, the miscommunication. I'm on the path and this is where the real fight starts. I'd prepared myself for this, I knew that whatever I said would be met with a set of tick boxes, cross referenced to that time 10 years ago I dressed as a nurse in university for fancy dress. There was one thing I was not prepared for.

After the long speech about how it will mean I wont be able to get it up any more (or something along those lines) she made an assessment, not that she had to but all the same she made her opinion clear.

"Judging by how you sound and your mannerisms. I think you are more like a boy".

There it is, the cause of a fortnight of self loathing and anger. Someone, who I thought would be open to listen to me. To never judge a book by its cover. Would take a quick glance at me and essentially say I was too much like a boy.

Fuck that noise !

I mean, who the hell goes and says that to someone who is in this position. Someone who has struggled immensely over the last few years to even get to this first point. This initial meeting has been 5 years in the making and now. On the verge of making a decision was brushed off with an off hand comment about the fact I may not have shaved in like 2 days.

What the fuck does that even mean? Too much like a boy? What!?! I just don't understand what that even means as a concept. What is too much boy? Too much girl? So they expect to just roll up in a pink dress and heals saying I cry my makeup off every night as I hide my bleached blonde wig one last time? Is that what they want?

Because they ain't getting it.

I used to think that's how it was supposed to be. I had to wear the nice dresses and the cute clothes. But that was when I was like 16. Not 27 and in that time I've shrugged many elements of 'stereotypical femininity' and found a way to present my punk/rock style in a comfortable manner. She wasn't having it though.

I kind of left my appointment in a daze. I still don't know which way to progress now. I was told something about waiting for a mental health gatekeeper but I've yet to hear a single thing from them.

I was feeling quite crappy about the situation however I was ready to keep fighting. To find the next step and go from there. That was until I was made fully aware of the transition process here in Wales.

Before I continue I should stress I am quite a proud Welsh girl. I am incredibly proud of where I'm from, warts an all. I love the fact we have our own language and customs which still remain despite years of rule from across the river. We are a land of song and dance which nobody can take from us.........but out NHS can be a little bit toss.

So to make you all aware, and bare in mind I'm still super new so this could be totally wrong. But the steps to get referred to a GIC is still years behind our British counterparts. It's around a 5 step process with gatekeepers along the way. The process doesn't work in a trans persons favour and it can in my opinion put people in danger.

One of the things my GP picked up on was me not being full time just yet, for family and work reasons I am yet to make that leap just yet. I work on a term basis and consistency is key so to rock up one day in my makeup could really cause problems without significant forewarning. If they had their way however I'd have to start like right now despite being far from ready to do it.

It's honestly kind of got me in a slump, I've kind of reeled away from trans related discussions and even thinking about what I'm going to do scares me to such an extend it makes me ill. My life is still going on around me too, family plans, work progressing nicely. All the while I'm still stuck in the same mindset I've had since I was small.

I need to be a girl.

SOOOOOOO, that's why I've been away for the last fortnight. Why friends have had to deal with me shouting at them and using them as virtual shoulders to cry on. Why I've pushed transitioning to the back of my mind in the hope that it can be consumed by a false desire to just be a cis person.

But I'm not. I'm fucking trans, and the sooner I can accept that the quicker I can make real progress.

Honestly any sort of advice would be amazing right now. Thanks already to my friends who have text me, sent me contact details of people who may be able to help and when it comes down to it, been there for me. I don't deserve friends as good as you lot (You know who you are !) and I hope that I haven't annoyed people in the last few weeks.

To help with this process I've taken on a new hobby. POETRY ! It started in the middle of last week while I was toying with some simple ABAB rhyming structures. Since then I've started to work on something more serious that I hope to present to you soon, So while you wait I'd just like to say thank you for all your amazing advice recently y'all !

Charlie xxx

Babies first appointment

After months of planning and thinking I finally had my first doctors appointment this week, I've had a few questions about what happened so instead of telling people individually I've decided to put it down here.

My appointment was on Tuesday (Feb 2nd) at 8:40am. The first hurdle I had to get over was finding a way to leave the house early in the morning without too many questions from family. I don't work on Tuesday's so I couldn't exactly pretend I was off. I do however have the uncanny ability to bullshit my way out of any situation. The night before I accidentally discovered I needed a pile of supplies for my work from town and that I wanted to go in early so I'd have the full day. This worked with minimal fuss and well, as much as I find my ability to dodge questions quite amazing it isn't really how things should be. I should be open and say what I'm doing, but for the time being let's just continue to evade a little longer.

Now here's a little fact about me. I've not been to the doctors in around a decade, I just don't visit for any reason. I could be falling apart and have 3 minutes to live and I'd still be afraid to make an appointment....mostly because the NHS wait times are longer than 3 minutes, but mostly I hate the thought that people don't believe me when I say something (Judging by my question evading superpower this makes things kind of weird). So it was a big thing going to talk about this to my GP, I felt like I had to in some way, even at this early stage convince them that I needed to transition.

The appointment itself went as expected, I was told by my friends that in a lot of cases GP's will know the basic terminology but are in no way remotely able to find the right path at that first appointment and this was the case with me. I'd gone through it in my head thousands of times in the days leading up, what I wanted to say and how I was going to say it. I didn't want to give my GP any chance to sway me or suggest alternative paths, I wanted to get referred and that's what I was going to do.

Well the best laid plans and all that, I kind of totally forgot what I wanted to say as soon as I sat down. Starting with a joke about "this ain't the kind of thing you hear at half 8 in the morning" perhaps wasn't the greatest start but after fortunately my GP put my at ease. She is actually super cool and was really open to what I was saying.

So what did I say? I told her (as best as I could) that I'd felt like this for years and I wanted to get referred to the GIC. That it was getting increasingly difficult to present as male and I wanted to get the ball rolling before I reached my 30's and settled down more. I was warned by a few trans folks not to go to deep into terms and keep it really simple. This worked really well as she wasn't totally up on different terms and the like. She asked questions about my sexual orientation and some physical things but other than that it was focused on getting me the support I needed. She asked if I wanted to see any physical changes and that if I needed to was I going to change my name etc. Now I'm sure we all have different experiences with GP's and I bet there's someone ready in the comments to talk about if she said the right or wrong things but all that matters is that she listened. For the first time I could speak to someone outside my friends or family about what I wanted and I feel that I was treated with respect.

She did ask if I had told any of my friends and how I was going to go about it. We chatted for a while about how I was going to do that and she came up with some suggestions which was super nice of her. Despite her lack of understanding about what to do in this situation she was at least open to listening to me. However because of the newness of this situation she wasn't totally able to help at this first meeting, I was told that I'd get a call in about 2 weeks to come back in once she read up on the process.

Now my current situation

Just 2 days later I've been given a second appointment for the 15th of Feb ! From the brief chat we had on the phone we are going to at this meeting get my application off for referral and to speak with someone who may have more experience with this sort of stuff. What I found kind of interesting was the apology she gave for using my current name after I mentioned in the previous meeting I was going to (eventually) change it. We may complain about our GP's but there's still so many who care, even if they don't have the answers straight away.

So where am I now with my transition? I've not really changed much since my last blog, I still feel like transitioning is right for me and that it was probably always an inevitable thing. But (and although I use the term a lot) I'm finding it super difficult to say "Look I'm trans". This may sound super odd to some of my readers I'm sure but I've always been able to hide behind my masculinity, even if that was sometimes a source of pain. The thought that I may actually be just a trans woman, is a scary and exciting thing to me. But aaaahhh shuuutttt it Charlotte that's going to be another blog next week :P.