A Transgender Year In Review

It’s just a few short days until Christmas and with that in mind I've decided now is the right time to take a small 2 week holiday away from the computer. I've written two new posts but they won’t be going up until the New Year. So before I sign off and pig out on beers & turkey I wanted to just make a small year in review.

This blog is probably the hardest one I've written to date. I mean, how can I condense an entire year down into a small chunk? Instead of writing a linear month by month thing I’m going to ramble on incoherently for a 1000 words. No different than usual I guess. On with the show!

I’d decided back at the start of the year I was going to spend the next 12 months really searching for who I was. I’d spent so long not facing up to things it had really negative effects on my social and personal life. It was time to start being the person I always was. The aim has always been this year to finally come out as a Trans Woman and just let people accept me or not. If I am accepted then great, if people had a problem then why should I continue having a relationship with them? It’s been do or die this year and although I haven’t totally succeeded in my plan of coming out (there are still lots of people who need telling) I am finally in a position where I can move in that direction.

If I had to describe 2014 in one word it would be comfortable. For the first time in forever the pieces of the puzzle are beginning to slot together. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and say this is who I am. Why be afraid anymore? It’s not just being comfortable in my own skin, I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do and have landed myself a really great job. Despite the odd hours and the stress it brings I really wouldn't change what I do now for the world and am excited to see what the future holds.

One of the things I wanted to do this year was to dress as female me with friends and in public. Slowly at first, I didn't want to just throw this at them. But over time and several different occasions I finally plucked up the courage in early October to go full Charlie. I don’t think I've ever been so scared in my entire life but like I said above it was so natural and comfortable to be me it was quite a downer when it was all over. I've discovered that I find huge comfort in being Charlie. Of course I always am her. She is me. I am her blah blah but when you’re not expressing yourself the way you want to because you know gender norms etc it can be quite upsetting. After every public outing or event as Charlie I experienced tremendous days of sadness. Despite finding myself I feel more lost than ever. I’m going to call it Post Trans Blues for now and I might write a topic on it in the future.

This could have really crippled me emotionally however I've taken this feeling and run with it. For one I started this blog. In just over a month it’s grown into something much bigger than I first expected. I've had emails and discussions in person with other Tran’s men & women who relate to the things I post here. This was at first a way for me to vent my feelings but it’s evolving day by day into a really interesting page if I should say so myself. I've got a blog checklist as long as my arm right now so we won’t be starved for content going forward.

What will 2015 hold then? Other than more content I am hoping to take Charlie on the road. I have plans right now to do video content to really document my journey. I’m going to also be having my first conversation with a GP which will lead with any luck to an appointment with the Gender Identity Clinic, however judging by the waiting line I’ll be retired before I’m seen.

Before I sign off for the holidays I have a few thanks. First off, thank you to all my kind readers; you really are the inspiration behind what I’m doing here. Hopefully in the New Year with some support from you we can take this small patch on the internet and make it something truly important. Thank you to all my friends who in the last year have listened to me, let me open up and on some occasions been a shoulder for me to cry on. You are the bedrock of my journey and each and every one of you has been there for me in some way. I won’t name you all here right now but you know who you are! Thank you finally to my friends in the Trans community. The advice and support you give is second to none. I honestly love each end every single one of you.

Before I start to tear up again I've enough space left here to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. To my readers I hope to see you all in 2015. To my friends make sure you get me a nice pint when we are out and to my Trans friends I wish you all the happiness in the world. I can’t give you anything for this holiday season but I hope in some way this mess of a blog has brought you some comfort.

Merry Christmas

Charlie xxxxx

An intimate discussion about bathrooms

This is going to be a controversial one.

Since posting my blog about the night out I had a week ago, the one comment I've heard again and again concerns the restroom I chose to use. More specifically my decision to use the gents rather than the ladies. I didn't realise this was cause for such a debate. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to explore, why are we so fixated on this one aspect? Well let's find out.

To clarify my decision to use the gents was down to two main factors. One was my relative shyness towards using anything other than what I was used to. I want to take my transition from closet to outwardly trans as slowly as I can and this is just one small footnote at the end of my journey. Secondly I was with an all male group and I thought using the same restroom as them gave me extra support. If there were female members of the group I would have probably had a different outlook. We had one of my very good female friends with us at the start of the evening however she could not stay for long (I'm just adding that so she doesn't think I called her a man haha).

This decision has left some of my readers with questions. Why go through all that effort to go out as a Woman and not use a loo that I had every right to use being Trans. Some have suggested that by doing it I could have shattered the 'illusion' of being a woman. For the first point see my earlier statement but it's that second that I want to look at in greater detail.

First off what do they mean by illusion? Despite being trans I have no bones about who or what I have going on underneath. I can wear, act or be whoever I want but it doesn't change the fact that at that moment in time I'm still genetically male. This might sound like an admission of defeat, Trans men & women fight for the right to be treated the way they feel regardless of physical appearance and me saying well my body is male could be perceived as a little short sighted. I don't however see it that way. I think it gives me the opportunity to use both sides of my personality and to essentially mix my gender. Every single one of our brains are wired differently and I embrace my masculinity. To me it's not an illusion. I'm not trying to convince or trick people into thinking I am a woman. If I say I am a Woman then why do I have to then put on an act. To convince people? It's not up to them to judge. I say I am therefore you better make damn sure you think of me as a woman. Again my choice if bathroom is really my decision and doing so makes me no more or less of a woman. I think we are focused on general acceptance to such an extend that maybe we forget that there are still individuals in this community with different thoughts, feelings and strengths.

It's this train of though that could also be preventing me from making the leap into the ladies. Maybe it's a personal stigma or a childhood belief that men use the men's and women use the women's that stop me. The more I think about it the more I think this could be playing a role. Even though being Trans has given me a totally different view on gender there was 10+ years before this where traditional gender roles are taught. I'm also acutely aware as a recent active feminist that there could still be some way left to go before Trans Women are totally accepted within that space. I remember during my time at university a trans woman used the ladies restroom to conduct some less than noble activities. I'm not going to go into detail on what happened but this has made me realise that we are still a long way off. And that is completely fair at this moment in time.  I believe in baby steps with most social issues and this is one such occasion.

I've probably gone on way to long about my chosen location to wee so I'll leave it here for now. This blog is also a space for progression so before I go maybe I can offer some solutions. I've always been quite open to the possibility of a gender neutral bathroom or a space for those who make up what I'm going to call the third Gender. This too is obviously open for debate and it's not a totally perfect. We can use this area  to discuss so let me know in the comments how you feel about bars having a gender neutral restroom. Until then maybe I will venture into the ladies on my next night out and let you know how it went ! 

Charlie xx

Paint the town Trans

Since starting this blog there have been a number of firsts for me. This was the first time I’d spoken publicly about events during my teenage years. The first time I’ve taken an active interest at Gender equality and this week saw the first public outing of the Transgender me. Now I’m here to tell you the story.

Some of my closest friends have seen Charlotte in person and it was one of these occasions which kicked things off. We were discussing where to take my Trans discovery next, should I keep things low down for a while or should I strike while the iron is hot and let the world know. We had a night out planned and I mentioned briefly that maybe that’s where I should take Charlotte next. We had already planned to visit a big LGBT bar in the local area so to me it made perfect sense.

Initially I was quite worried about the possibility of going out in public. I didn’t want to throw too much attention on myself however the very nature of someone who’s genetically male in female clothing would attract some negative comments. Even an LGBT bar was in my eyes a minefield of abuse and worry. The bar is always home to Stag and Hen parties who come to see the Drag Queen performances and whatnot. I personally believe it’s an excuse to dance to Carly RaeJepson but I digress.

The most comfortable shoes I own !

I’d made the decision to dress down as much as possible. One of my biggest concerns is how I come across to others. Maybe it’s due to the events in my past or maybe it’s because I’m just incredibly vain but I really didn’t want to look out of place or uncomfortable in what I was wearing. As we were also visiting a Metal/Rock club after I was going to opt for my usual T-shirt and Jeans though with some persuasion I’d gone for a dress. I’m usually more of a top and skirt kind of person as I wasn’t convinced I could pull off the dress look. I decided to go for a basic grey and black number because you know I’m really adventurous.

The biggest pain was finding the right pair of shoes for the occasion. Not to fall into the stereotype but if you’re going to be standing up dancing for 7 hours you really do need to think about what you have on your feet, especially since it’s a 15 minute walk from one club to the next. I can walk and generally exist in heels just fine but that long time standing told me I had to think a bit sensibly about what I wore……and then I just went for some heeled shoes anyway. Enough about my clothes for now, you want to hear all the gory details of my actual night out don’t you!

Before catching our taxi we met at a local pub for food and a general natter before the soothing sounds of Slipknot and AC/DC destroyed our years. To me this part was the scariest, out in town I would be nothing more than a face in the crowd. But right there in a relatively quiet pub I could be the target of anyone’s comments. I took a deep breath, had a quick drag of a cigarette to calm my nerves and we went in.

Hotel selfie I guess

I don’t know what’s more amazing. The fact that barely anyone looked or that those who did were nothing but complimentary, those who have known me for a long time still have some difficulty in separating my Male and Female sides. Still opting to call me ‘He’ or my Male name (Which you know I’m SOOOO going to divulge on here). But to these normal pub goers I was nothing more than a Woman; ok a Trans Woman I wasn’t going to convince anyone for long. Even then people still called me by my Female name or used ‘She’ etc. It was honestly amazing. I guess to most being called ‘love’ or ‘darling’ isn’t something to phone home about and could even be perceived as a little sexist but right there in that moment it was exhilarating. I didn’t have to explain myself to people by saying you can call me this or that, it was instinctive. I think I perhaps give people too much stick and I instantly assume every man is going to think it’s weird but I found it to be the total opposite. Whether they said anything behind my back is another story but in that moment I was treated with nothing but respect and dignity.

Now I’m sure you are all excited to find out which restroom I used. Did I brave it and venture into the Chamber of Secrets (You know the Women’s) or do what comes naturally and frequent the pit of misery that is a Gents. Well I opted for the latter. I felt that at this stage I wasn’t prepared to make the big leap just yet, despite confusing a teenager who had come in with his father as I stood by the window doing my makeup. “Are we in the wrong one Dad?” “No, but isn’t life fascinating”.

The whole issue of which to use has sort of become a topic since that night. In the three or so bars we visited I used the Gents and each time I was told that if I wanted I was within my rights to use the Ladies. I obviously have some dignity and I used a cubicle. It’s just amazing to see perceptions are changing. They have changed to such an extend I had a 10 minute conversation with a fellow AC/DC fan while standing by a mirror why I chose the specific brand of Foundation I had.

The LGBT bar we visited was like a dream, people swarming around you to chat to you about various parts of your outfit and speaking ever so kindly about the ensemble I managed to throw together a few days before. After a few drinks (and that aforementioned Carly Rae Jepson dance) we moved onto our favourite Metal bar.

Laddered Tights = Sign of a good night

I felt right at home here. The fist bumps, hugs and support continued. Even more so than in the previous bar, I joined in with a group of lads to sing Tenacious D’s super delightful hit ‘Fuck her Gently’, mostly to annoy the smokers in the club opposite who found the idea of a bar full of people dressed in black rather amusing. I guess that was the only real ‘oppression’ I felt on that night. It came from other places. Only once I faced real negativity and if three drunken lads doing a small laugh at the man in a dress is negativity then I really feel for my fellow Trans Women who experience this sort of shit on a daily basis, and in a lot of cases they receive even worse. 

As we left at 4 in the morning back to our Taxi after dancing to the rather amazing Carry on Wayward son. The bond with my friends strengthened I started to wonder to think about many of my friends who are unfortunately in a position where they could never do what I had done. Those in oppressed locations, those who fear for their lives if they come out, those who fear the stigma and the potential abuse they may get. And to you I say it will get better. Hopefully one day we will be able to be who we are and express ourselves as the amazing, strong and powerful group that we most definitely are. My next goal is to socialise in the day as Charlotte. Let’s hope that experience goes as well as this. 

Trans-Talk : Roxanne Parker

One of the things I want to do with this blog is introduce other Trans Men & Women that I've come across over the past few years. As much fun as it is talking about myself it's important to remember that there are others out there who need their voices heard as much as mine, if not more so. For the first few of these I'll probably keep them strictly question and answer pieces. In the future though I'd like to expand into video based stuff. This won't be limited to just Trans folk either, I want to speak to any supporters I've come across since I began my own journey. Where possible I'll tailor each question to suit. I’m going to try and keep these interviews as edit free as I can. Keeping them as raw as possible means you get a fuller experience but as a film maker and content maker I understand the need to keep things on point and snappy.

To kick this off I've spoken to one of the most important people in my life, as far as the Trans community goes she is definitely up there at the top of my list of reliable, honest and trustworthy friends. It’s about time I introduce you all to Roxanne Parker.

Charlotte - Hard bit first. Tell us a bit about yourself

Roxy - I'm a 22 yr old genderfluid/transgender girl from Nottingham uk. I'm studying graphic design, love music (metal/rock), reading, art, gaming, make up, Disney and fashion ^^ starting questioning my gender when I was about 9 years old.

Charlotte - Since starting on your own Trans journey what positive experiences have you had?

Roxy - My positive experiences? Hmmmm. Meeting some awesome people online and being part of a community. The Internet has been amazing as it’s been what made me realise I'm not alone and not the only person who feels this way. Mainly coming out to my gf/mum and how accepting you were. There's nothing better than being loved and accepted for who you are inside and out :) all the encouragement from the Trans community has been awesome.... Using it as an art form and escapism also been majorly positive.

Charlotte - What challenges have you faced? And what challenges does the community face as a whole?

Roxy - My challenges have mainly been personal seeing as I've been in the closet almost all my life. Dealing with Dysphoria, questioning my sexuality, finding fucking bras that fit and passing. Easily my biggest challenge is wanting to be able to walk down the street reflecting how I feel on the inside but always never being feminine looking enough to. Living with depression AND being transgendered. Fucking nightmare!!
The community? We just face an incredible amount of Transphobia and hate. Sometimes I've found even from the LGB part of LGBT. The fact that male to female Trans people are often sexualised and seen as taboo doesn't help the public see us in the right way. Those who reckon we are trying to infiltrate women’s places and shit don't help either (it’s a thing! I promise!)
It doesn't really help that FtM (Female to Male) and MtF (Male to Female) Trans people have it completely different from another. There was even a case where an MtF was getting hate off of a FtM. WTF is that about? Our challenges are endless.

Charlotte - Scariest moment so far?

Roxy - Coming out to my gf on the cusp of moving in together. I knew my gf as a 100% open minded and kind individual and knew she would t react badly, but when you’re in that situation you over think every little thing that could go badly. Luckily I had ma super duper girl Charlie to egg me on and get me through it: P

Charlotte - Inspirations time. Who or what has really inspired you to push forward?

Roxy - Not to kiss ass, but my Sista from another Mista Charlie. She's been massively inspiring to me and I wouldn't have taken some of the steps I have without her in my life. Even if it has just been over Skype ^^ she's actually amazing and gorgeous and beautiful and If you say otherwise... Watch out muthafucker... I'm coming for you

Otherwise...
Just my fellow Tran’s bros and sisters, some of the people I've chatted too and met are amazing people and been through some shit. Being in the closet all my life and being very careful has led me to being pretty sheltered. I've always spoken up for the trans community and will always vocally, loudly and aggressively back anyone’s right to live how they want and to express themselves however they feel. But I've never come out as Trans to my friends or public. Only to the online Tcommunity, my gf, and recently mum. Anyone who has the ovaries to come out to the people in their lives and say out loud "you know what? I'm not a fucking boy ok? That's how I am and you can get the fuck over it" is my hero. Anyone who has the courage to go out representing themselves as the gender they are even if they're born with a chromosome out of place. You are my hero. In this community there is no braver thing you could do. And I fucking salute you.

Charlotte - I know you’re just as much of a film & TV geek as me. How do you think the media has portrayed the Trans community in your opinion? How would you change it?

Roxy - It’s had its ups and downs I think. It's never been taken too seriously up until recently. Men dressing in women’s clothes have been all over the media and generally in a comedic way. I think the fact that it started out more comedic made it acceptable.
Though I've seen some pretty horrible portrayals throughout my screen watching... Why are they always fucking hookers? Sex and city = black transvestite prostitutes. Dexter = transsexual prostitutes. Sons of Anarchy = Transgendered Prostitute (although SOA later redeems itself with a bit of Trans awareness stuff in future episodes)
The fact is... Is it’s sexualised... The main cause for hate seems to be homophobic men who have magicked up the opinion that we are trying to trick them into being gay or some shit Instead of trying to reflect what we are inside. We've been portrayed as dirty weirdo’s and fetishized in the media. Though I think this is slowly on the change. The film Transamerica is pretty damn challenging of all of this (even if it is played by a genetic female actress), Glee has tackled the subject positively and head on telling the story of unique/wade (In a VERY close to home portrayal of modern attitudes) and I can’t carry on without throwing Laverne Cox into the mix from OITNB (Orange is the new Black). God that show just has everything.
How would I change it? I'd make it more fucking normal.

Charlotte - So what's next for Roxy?

Roxy - What’s next for big ole me? Life!! I'm finally at a place where I'm pretty secure with my transgender.... Urm.... ness? Yes... I'm making that a word. Transgenderness.
I finally settled for being genderfluid. Sometimes I feel masculine, sometimes I feel feminine. Sometimes I wana sit with a beer, playing Call of Duty, smoking while in a dress, sparkly heels and some fabulous makeup and hair. Other times I wana paint my nails pink and sketch fashion designs while watching UFC.
I'm out to just enough people to be satisfied and know I'll be loved whatever gender I am. In that sense I'm amazingly blessed.
All that's next on my list is to hit the town with roxy' first public appearance!! And finally fucking meet Charlie!! FFS.... It's been like 2 years or some shit and we've never actually met!


So there we have it. Since knowing Roxanne I've become inspired by her no nonsense attitude. There are those in the community such as myself who perhaps may like to skirt around subjects a little, taking a more diplomatic approach however sometimes we need a fierce character who isn't afraid to say what she wants. Roxy I salute you !

Charlie xx

Shopping Anxiety

There will come a time in most of our Trans lives (Urgh) when we have to stop buying things online and venture out into the wide world. Despite the amount of amazing things we can get on the web in discreet packaging and for a good price, nothing compares to actually visiting a shop to buy what you need. Not only can you see in real life what an item of clothing looks like, but you can see how well something may fit you. I usually stick around the Size 10 mark however there are items which I may go up or down in size, something you wouldn't know if you bought purely online. There is however still an element of anxiety or fear when buying in person. With others it’s no problem at all. When buying for my partner there’s no problem. So why does it only happen when I’m buying for myself? And do other Trans Men & Women have this issue?

It’s something I noticed on one of my last solo ventures. I needed a pair of leggings. As items of clothing go it’s nothing too exciting. Everywhere sells them so it wasn't as if I was getting something special or something which would require the assistance of staff. I went to wherever it was I was buying from and was greeted by a member of staff asking if I needed any help. This is definitely a plus and I’d hate for people to think that I was annoyed at being approached, considering I was in a shop that sold just Women’s clothing so any help was definitely appreciated. If I was buying for someone else then they could have helped me make the right choice. And if I am buying for myself then it should just be another sale. But as confident as I was going in that moment made me anxious. It was like a hundred different pairs of eyes had suddenly laser focused onto me, everyone trying to figure out why a guy was in the market for some leggings. The truth is there was only her and me in the store, but it couldn't help but make me feel like I was being judged. So I made a swift exit and never got the leggings I needed (I SO NEEDED THEM SHUT UP).

I decided to go to a more impersonal store where the shop owners couldn't care less who you are or what you bought. Although comforting in some weird way I did feel somewhat bad about leaving somewhere which could have offered me a better service. So I began to think why was I anxious about someone who I've never met and will likely never meet again knowing?

Well think it could be two different things. And both of them are personal things I should really work on. Firstly am I only acting this way because I think everyone knows I’m there to buy for myself? It feels almost as if for that brief moment everyone can read my thoughts and they just know that I’m there because I desperately need that pair of shoes (Thanks for the stereotype there Charlie :P). And could being dressed in my normal Male clothes make me feel uncomfortable with the idea of buying things for myself. There is still some percentage of the population who still perceive Trans Men & Women as perverts who only wear the opposite Genders clothing for some thrill. This is an image that has slowly begun to change as we begin to understand the various different aspects of Gender Identity and why we may or may not end up in the garments of the opposite sex.

 It would be all too easy to blame other people for these issues but I think there are aspects about myself which could be changed. Consider for example my prejudice towards the general public, perhaps stemming from the events I've experienced (See: Me myself and Charlie part 2). Maybe I thought that the person in question wouldn't get the whole Trans thing and things could have gone weird. Maybe part of me feels that if this random stranger knew I was Trans they would I don’t know refuse to sell to me, or give me some horrible abuse or worse it could involve someone who doesn't look at the community in the best of light. Now she didn't give off the impression that she was anything other than a shop assistant trying to help a customer so why did I put up that barrier so fast? Am I being just as judgmental as the people I assume are doing the same to me? Maybe I should give people a bit more considerate about how they may perceive Transgenderism.

It appears I’m also not the only one who suffers from this type of anxiety when buying clothes either. I dropped this question to several members of my friends in the Trans community and it appears some of you shared the exact same feelings as I do. I asked one of my closest friends in the community all about the matter and she said almost exactly the same as me. “I just couldn't shake the feeling that everybody knew I was shopping to crossdress and being judged, it was the most anxious I've ever felt in public”. So it appears I’m not alone in this.

So what can we do to help this issue? Well I’m not going to suggest every shop has a visible Trans friendly space or to make a deal out of it. As societal norms change it will eventually reach the point where it won’t matter.  I can do some things myself thought to help speed the process up. Next time someone asks why hide it? Why not take someone’s help? Who knows maybe they can offer up some great advice.

And as a treat here's a picture of some shoes I just bought.....