Before I continue just a little update. On the weekend I went to visit one of my oldest friends at her new pad in the big ol London. Not only is she a fantastic blogger (which you can read here) and a big help to this page, but also an amazing Trans Ally. I'd say bad influence as a joke but in all seriousness her advice is priceless. So before I continue with the rest of the blog I'd like to leave her a big thanks on the page like an idiot, and apologise for all the sexy guys & girls who will now flood her page. I.E you guys :) !
But back on topic....
I was browsing some forums this week and came across an interesting topic. The forum is mostly dedicated to those who identify as CD first though it's still an inclusive and supportive page for everyone on the Transgender spectrum. The post was focused on having a different personality/persona while dressed Female. And this got me thinking. Does being genetically Male but identifying as Female give me two personalities?
When I was younger I thought that there were two different me's. As I didn't identify as Trans until around a year or two ago I did really think that Charlie was a separate person. Life was a constant struggle between the person I thought I was and the person I had inside of me. This unhealthy relationship between the two people fighting for attention caused me to be far more irrational and angry than I am now. It sounds a little convenient but I did definitely put on a harder nosed persona while in public. Although those who know me in real life would say I am not a traditionally masculine person, I would for a number of years try to take on these traits. Of course anyone who has spent time looking at the differences in the Sexes can tell you that these traits are not mutually exclusive to each but hey I was 16 years old . The only experience I'd had with the differences in Gender roles came from my fairly traditional background. It wasn't until well after University that both my persona's aligned and I realised that Charlotte isn't another person. Charlotte is me.
I used to talk about myself often in the third person. I believed that this gave both myself and others an opportunity to disassociate from the reality of the situation. If Charlotte was this other person for example, they could talk about her without embarrassment or awkwardness. This changed around 3 years ago when I realised that I was Trans. Genderfluid or otherwise I was just one person and that's when my 'alter ego' faded. However it was the overly aggressive macho Male persona that retreated. That really wasn't me, so why try to be two people?
Now, and here's the clever bit. This is where I link some of this back to my visit to London on the weekend. While speaking to my friend, doing my makeup (which you know I am quite excellent at these days) we talked about the importance of me being openly Female more often. She has on many occasions listened to an upset Charlotte being pulled between two Genders and her (my) desire to just be Female. And this is where she said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life.
"You should be you more often".
This could be one of the most important points someone has ever made to me, and one that may act as a turning point for my life going forward (Sorry Hun). Maybe I need to be just one me, even if that one me is currently two people. Or who knows maybe I am two people and I just don't know.
While traveling back from London these words were stuck in my head. It could be about time I started to consider being just one person. I've often made light of the situation in front of others. I make comments about what could happen if I decided to just identify as Female. But maybe I should start asking these questions for real. I may not want to hear the answer when I find out who that is, however it could be just what I need.
P.S I can damn well rock a T-Shirt and Shorts combo.....
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