Genderfluidity Month Intro

So, urm...HEY EVERYONE

Today is the first day of October, so you know what that means? I'm dedicating an entire month to something that is really important to my gender identity journey, by talking about the identity that I feel best describes me.

Why am I doing this then you all ask ? Well I talk quite a lot on this page about my experiences being female and how those experiences relate to her. As in me. As in..well yeah see that's the thing. G.F is such a complicated and fuzzy thing that I wanted to let you all in on how that feels. Some of the frustrations and how I cope with having essentially two genders.

What will I be talking about then? I've got a few little topics planned,next week I will be doing another vlog on how being genderfluid has been both a positive and negative experience. I will talk about labels soon and how I feel those can be a double edged sword. I want to (if I can) get someone on here to guest write, and maybe (if your lucky) you will get to hear more from the side of my gender identity that never really appears here all that often.

I'll be trying some new things that I haven't done before with my writing. So hopefully it will be at least interesting and informative. As for my Twitter I will try and post as many links and resources about this subject throughout the month. So if you don't already follow me there should be a link somewhere on this page. Maybe I'll even make a little #genderfluidmonth hashtag just so you can find whatever I post.

Check back in a few days (When I'm not working my socks off) to see what I have planned

Charlie xxx

Vlog : Bullying, Bandits and Bad Times

Triggers: Suicide, Self Harm, Bullying. This is a really difficult on this week, I talk about some really heavy stuff and hopefully do it justice. Let me know in the comments your thoughts etc etc etc

Selfierapy

Last week I mentioned briefly about some of the tactics I employ to cope with my struggles with gender identity. I spoke about using photography as a form of expression and some of the misconceptions surrounding why I use it. That discussion is in the past, what I do want to talk about however is how I started taking pictures, why I use photography as expression and how it has benefited me in the long run.

I've been a photographer for a number of years. Although I have mostly worked within moving image, particularly short films. I've found that I have a natural eye for taking pictures. As a result I've had a number of my photographs used in print from newspapers to magazines. I enjoy nothing more than getting up early with a camera, taking a lazy walk up to the hills surrounding my home and snapping away at what I find. It's a part of my life however I want to keep away from the blog for now. This has always been Charlie's place and anything that crosses the boundary between her and male me I prefer to not expose. What I am willing to expose though is my love for self photography.

Much like any introspective art form, self photography can be an amazing way to express your true feelings. The more of yourself you put into any project, the more alive it feels and you can't get much more yourself than physically being in the piece. I first started toying with the idea when I purchased a new DSLR a few years back. Having a rotating screen and wireless shutter control mean that I could control what happens in the image and with that I found that I really enjoyed creating pieces of myself.

It may sound incredibly vain but...well yeah it actually is. But vanity is not something in my opinion you should be ashamed of. My priorities are in the right place, my work means that usually I am the last person I think about on a day to day basis therefore taking the time out for me is incredibly relaxing. There is nothing wrong with being proud of who you are and this is just one way that I express that, and more importantly it's going to mean something in the long run.

I don't know one day to the next what will happen. Gender identity makes it so that I live more often than not in the now. I am spurred on in a lot of cases by impulse and that worries me. Will I still be me 5,10,20 years down the line? If I decide later on that I want to live full time female then there's a huge chunk of my life that's missing. I have already in my mind missed out on nearly 30 years of knowing who I really am and in some ways photography is helping that. It helps me track my progress, it's a reminder that however many years down the line Charlotte (I'm going to speak in third person a moment) was here, she is still here, she will always be a part of me and a few snaps taken now will be priceless in the future. I have no pictures of Charlotte with friends for example. 20+ years of her existence has been one of solitude and only now since being more open has she really found honest and true friends. Photography is a way for me to be normal. Some people write songs, create works of art or work selflessly for others, but for me having a physical snapshot of my life going forward is one of the ways that I feel me. In some ways it's a form of therapy.

This wasn't going to be a particularly long piece. I've got another bigger blog coming hopefully at the end of the week. I've sprinkled a few pics throughout the blog. Just to clarify these images have in some way been toyed with in Photoshop. That in no way means the intention of the images have been altered it's mostly some colour grading and brightness changes. If you want some really scary pictures of me all normal and meh then head over to my Twitter @Charlottewbuzz

Terms & Conditions May Apply

Like many of my posts recently this has been inspired by stuff I've seen around me. It doesn't come from personal experience but from reading comments and posts from friends. This week we are going to talk about the word trans & why we may or may not want to use it.

For the record I've only really embraced the word in the last year. I've never found any of the terms to really represent me. So many of them are specific to each individuals situation or lifestyle and since I'm still finding my way it's been difficult to find the right one. Trans however is just a blanket term which I feel we can all embrace one way or the other. There are those however who buck the trend and unfortunately get a lot of negativity because of this.

Apparently this person can't call herself female

I've seen quite a number of friends who I would initially have called trans throw away that moniker and instead call themselves quite simply women. Regardless of where you are on the gender Spectrum having the courage to identify as who you are is fantastic and I love them because of this. Being able to express your true feelings is incredibly difficult and I'm ever so proud of those women who don't feel they need to add this extra caveat at the front. It's just unfortunate that there are people out there who don't see it that way. Even worse when it comes from inside the trans community.

Most of the comments point at the individuals current physical body, in particular if they have begun the process of transitioning. The focus on the 'sex' instead of gender is perhaps a conversation for another time but I'll continue. Now for a lot of us having surgery and expensive therapy is not an option, so why do we make up such arbitrary rules for when someone can call themselves a woman? I've been told it's because underneath in the physical sense they are still Male. Not only is that comment naive as all hell it's also way too focused on the individuals Genitalia, you know that thing Feminists such as myself stand against. There's more to Males and Females than what they have going on underneath so to focus on that one thing shows a complete lack of understanding and only enforces the belief that women can only be women if they can for example give birth. Which isn't really fair since there are thousands of individuals who won't ever experience that. There's a huge fascination with what's going on underneath with trans women. That's why trans related adult material is such large market. And we need to perhaps begin focusing on not what we have in the physical sense but what we have going on in our heads.

I've also been told that it's deceitful to call yourself a woman when you are trans. As if you are out to trap unaware Men with your amazing ability to look like the opposite sex. If you want to read more about this then I suggest finding a copy of Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. In it she has a section on the belief that trans women are out to be deceitful and she does a far better job than I ever could. But it simply is not the case. You aren't calling yourself a woman to lure people back to your trans den before whipping your junk out. Although there are definitely some aspects of the community who would perhaps engage in such activities it is not a true reflection of us as a whole.

That person is me

So what it means then is we are women with terms & conditions. We may use the word but we also have to preface it with a large warning. WE MAY BE MEN UNDERNEATH SO WATCH OUT. The worst part is I've seen this attitude come from the trans community. A good friend of mine was told that she has no right to call herself a woman while she has no breasts and should instead call herself a Man. But who has the authority on what you can be called? If you want to call yourself trans then do it. If you want to be called a woman do it. There should be nothing stopping you, especially from the community that should have your back the most. This attitude only serves to emotionally cripple an individual and stop them from being their true self. I've found that I now use trans more because of this. When I use that term it feels like I am giving people a slight heads up which doesn't help anyone. It doesn't make me feel like I could ever be that person that I sometimes want to be. If I decide to begin living my life as a woman it would be a long time before I can make any sort of moves on transitioning so up until that moment am I not to call myself who I am? Am I not a real woman until I have all the bits and pieces in the right place? If we have people within our own community who feel that way it goes to show we have further to go than I first thought

As always I appreciate all your feedback. If you want to see more of the rubbish I write then remember to follow me on Twitter @Charlottewbuzz and if you could then subscribe to me on Youtube www.youtube.com/c/CharlotteWilliamsBuzz

 

Does it offend you?

Oh boy this should be fun !

Since starting this blog I've tried to tune myself in to what's going on around me. Near enough everything I write comes from some sort of personal experience and keeping my ears close to the ground means I pick up on a lot more things than I used to. I've become more aware of conversations and comments about the Transgender community. Sometimes these can be really positive. For example I had a fascinating conversation this week about the changing attitudes to Trans people but of course there's always someone ready to make comment.

This story begins with a conversation I overheard a few days ago. The topic was about a person/friend of theirs who had recently come out as Trans, unfortunately the conversation was not about how incredibly brave that person is, or how they need to show support and help her through things. No it was about how much she didn't subjectively 'Look like a Woman' and they would support her more if she had introduced it slowly rather than all at once....

...As you can imagine that annoyed me quite a lot.

Because I am admittedly a bit of a coward when it comes to public confrontation I sat away from them and tried to turn what they said off. But I just couldn't. That's why being the amazing Trans Hero/ine that I am (Read: Coward). I'm going to rant about it here.

First of all what is this obsession we all have with having to look more Female? I talked about this a few weeks ago after facing criticism for not having a Feminine enough smile (Read Here) and I'm sure a lot of you have had these experiences. "Wear this it will make you look girly". "You need more makeup to hide your masculinity". It just don't work like that I'm afraid. We aren't blessed with the same features and as such it's never going to be a 100% match. I've had enough comments about how feminine I look to swell anyone's ego but I'm still aware that I'm not totally 'pulling it off'. That's not the point though. The point is no matter how we look it's what's on the inside that counts. If you are any sort of friend you should be encouraging and complimenting her. You don't even have to lie about it. Sorry to sound like an Instagram photo but everyone is beautiful in some capacity and you should make sure you do your best to make people like that. The fact you have to comment on someone else's physical appearance only shows me that you have some deep seeded insecurities over your own. Fix that and show people some respect in the future is it people?

Second point what gives anyone the right to dictate how and when someone should express themselves? Telling someone that they should introduce themselves 'slowly' so that others can get used to it shows that you have no understanding of how it feels to live like that. The only person that matters in this instance is the person who has bravely decided to step out publicly as themselves. And you should make fucking sure you become part of the bedrock of their life. Embrace that person and treat them the same. That person has been Trans for probably most of their life and they are the same as always so just be good to them.

I find more and more we have to apologise for being more on the scene than ever. I ask others who are around me if they would be ok with me being Charlie in front of them. Would they be offended or freaked out if I was and when I am I often give people far more leniency than I should with pronouns and names. We all slip up from time to time which is fine but I find that even I say "You can call me whatever name you want I don't mind", but I really do mind. Why do I still let people get away with saying and commenting about my life both physically and mentally as if they are in control? Because of comments like you see above, because I am so used to people dictating my Trans life that it's almost as if I need the permission of the world and to do it on their terms.

Well you know what. We should not have to deal with that. Nobody should tell us what we can and can't do. Nobody should think it's fine to put others down and make up the rules when it comes to our expression. If I want to go out glammed up to the nines then I expect people to be fine with that. If you feel embarrassed or in some way think I'm doing wrong then that's your problem to sort out not mine. If you can't deal with it then I suggest you shut up and stand in a different corner. We are over here being far too progressive.

 Maybe that's naive of me but we shall see.

Charlie xx

If you want to read more of my ramblings then follow me on Twitter @Charlottewbuzz

Leading a double life

This post has gone through like 5 or so changes. Let's hope this is the last.

Before I continue just a little update. On the weekend I went to visit one of my oldest friends at her new pad in the big ol London. Not only is she a fantastic blogger (which you can read here) and a big help to this page, but also an amazing Trans Ally. I'd say bad influence as a joke but in all seriousness her advice is priceless. So before I continue with the rest of the blog I'd like to leave her a big thanks on the page like an idiot, and apologise for all the sexy guys & girls who will now flood her page. I.E you guys :) !

But back on topic....

I was browsing some forums this week and came across an interesting topic. The forum is mostly dedicated to those who identify as CD first though it's still an inclusive and supportive page for everyone on the Transgender spectrum. The post was focused on having a different personality/persona while dressed Female. And this got me thinking. Does being genetically Male but identifying as Female give me two personalities? 

When I was younger I thought that there were two different me's. As I didn't identify as Trans until around a year or two ago I did really think that Charlie was a separate person. Life was a constant struggle between the person I thought I was and the person I had inside of me. This unhealthy relationship between the two people fighting for attention caused me to be far more irrational and angry than I am now. It sounds a little convenient but I did definitely put on a harder nosed persona while in public. Although those who know me in real life would say I am not a traditionally masculine person, I would for a number of years try to take on these traits. Of course anyone who has spent time looking at the differences in the Sexes can tell you that these traits are not mutually exclusive to each but hey I was 16 years old . The only experience I'd had with the differences in Gender roles came from my fairly traditional background. It wasn't until well after University that both my persona's aligned and I realised that Charlotte isn't another person. Charlotte is me.

I used to talk about myself often in the third person. I believed that this gave both myself and others an opportunity to disassociate from the reality of the situation. If Charlotte was this other person for example, they could talk about her without embarrassment or awkwardness. This changed around 3 years ago when I realised that I was Trans. Genderfluid or otherwise I was just one person and that's when my 'alter ego' faded. However it was the overly aggressive macho Male persona that retreated. That really wasn't me, so why try to be two people?

Now, and here's the clever bit. This is where I link some of this back to my visit to London on the weekend. While speaking to my friend, doing my makeup (which you know I am quite excellent at these days) we talked about the importance of me being openly Female more often. She has on many occasions listened to an upset Charlotte being pulled between two Genders and her (my) desire to just be Female. And this is where she said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. 

"You should be you more often".

This could be one of the most important points someone has ever made to me, and one that may act as a turning point for my life going forward (Sorry Hun). Maybe I need to be just one me, even if that one me is currently two people. Or who knows maybe I am two people and I just don't know. 

While traveling back from London these words were stuck in my head. It could be about time I started to consider being just one person. I've often made light of the situation in front of others. I make comments about what could happen if I decided to just identify as Female. But maybe I should start asking these questions for real. I may not want to hear the answer when I find out who that is, however it could be just what I need.

P.S I can damn well rock a T-Shirt and Shorts combo.....