Terms & Conditions May Apply

Like many of my posts recently this has been inspired by stuff I've seen around me. It doesn't come from personal experience but from reading comments and posts from friends. This week we are going to talk about the word trans & why we may or may not want to use it.

For the record I've only really embraced the word in the last year. I've never found any of the terms to really represent me. So many of them are specific to each individuals situation or lifestyle and since I'm still finding my way it's been difficult to find the right one. Trans however is just a blanket term which I feel we can all embrace one way or the other. There are those however who buck the trend and unfortunately get a lot of negativity because of this.

Apparently this person can't call herself female

I've seen quite a number of friends who I would initially have called trans throw away that moniker and instead call themselves quite simply women. Regardless of where you are on the gender Spectrum having the courage to identify as who you are is fantastic and I love them because of this. Being able to express your true feelings is incredibly difficult and I'm ever so proud of those women who don't feel they need to add this extra caveat at the front. It's just unfortunate that there are people out there who don't see it that way. Even worse when it comes from inside the trans community.

Most of the comments point at the individuals current physical body, in particular if they have begun the process of transitioning. The focus on the 'sex' instead of gender is perhaps a conversation for another time but I'll continue. Now for a lot of us having surgery and expensive therapy is not an option, so why do we make up such arbitrary rules for when someone can call themselves a woman? I've been told it's because underneath in the physical sense they are still Male. Not only is that comment naive as all hell it's also way too focused on the individuals Genitalia, you know that thing Feminists such as myself stand against. There's more to Males and Females than what they have going on underneath so to focus on that one thing shows a complete lack of understanding and only enforces the belief that women can only be women if they can for example give birth. Which isn't really fair since there are thousands of individuals who won't ever experience that. There's a huge fascination with what's going on underneath with trans women. That's why trans related adult material is such large market. And we need to perhaps begin focusing on not what we have in the physical sense but what we have going on in our heads.

I've also been told that it's deceitful to call yourself a woman when you are trans. As if you are out to trap unaware Men with your amazing ability to look like the opposite sex. If you want to read more about this then I suggest finding a copy of Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. In it she has a section on the belief that trans women are out to be deceitful and she does a far better job than I ever could. But it simply is not the case. You aren't calling yourself a woman to lure people back to your trans den before whipping your junk out. Although there are definitely some aspects of the community who would perhaps engage in such activities it is not a true reflection of us as a whole.

That person is me

So what it means then is we are women with terms & conditions. We may use the word but we also have to preface it with a large warning. WE MAY BE MEN UNDERNEATH SO WATCH OUT. The worst part is I've seen this attitude come from the trans community. A good friend of mine was told that she has no right to call herself a woman while she has no breasts and should instead call herself a Man. But who has the authority on what you can be called? If you want to call yourself trans then do it. If you want to be called a woman do it. There should be nothing stopping you, especially from the community that should have your back the most. This attitude only serves to emotionally cripple an individual and stop them from being their true self. I've found that I now use trans more because of this. When I use that term it feels like I am giving people a slight heads up which doesn't help anyone. It doesn't make me feel like I could ever be that person that I sometimes want to be. If I decide to begin living my life as a woman it would be a long time before I can make any sort of moves on transitioning so up until that moment am I not to call myself who I am? Am I not a real woman until I have all the bits and pieces in the right place? If we have people within our own community who feel that way it goes to show we have further to go than I first thought

As always I appreciate all your feedback. If you want to see more of the rubbish I write then remember to follow me on Twitter @Charlottewbuzz and if you could then subscribe to me on Youtube www.youtube.com/c/CharlotteWilliamsBuzz

 

Does it offend you?

Oh boy this should be fun !

Since starting this blog I've tried to tune myself in to what's going on around me. Near enough everything I write comes from some sort of personal experience and keeping my ears close to the ground means I pick up on a lot more things than I used to. I've become more aware of conversations and comments about the Transgender community. Sometimes these can be really positive. For example I had a fascinating conversation this week about the changing attitudes to Trans people but of course there's always someone ready to make comment.

This story begins with a conversation I overheard a few days ago. The topic was about a person/friend of theirs who had recently come out as Trans, unfortunately the conversation was not about how incredibly brave that person is, or how they need to show support and help her through things. No it was about how much she didn't subjectively 'Look like a Woman' and they would support her more if she had introduced it slowly rather than all at once....

...As you can imagine that annoyed me quite a lot.

Because I am admittedly a bit of a coward when it comes to public confrontation I sat away from them and tried to turn what they said off. But I just couldn't. That's why being the amazing Trans Hero/ine that I am (Read: Coward). I'm going to rant about it here.

First of all what is this obsession we all have with having to look more Female? I talked about this a few weeks ago after facing criticism for not having a Feminine enough smile (Read Here) and I'm sure a lot of you have had these experiences. "Wear this it will make you look girly". "You need more makeup to hide your masculinity". It just don't work like that I'm afraid. We aren't blessed with the same features and as such it's never going to be a 100% match. I've had enough comments about how feminine I look to swell anyone's ego but I'm still aware that I'm not totally 'pulling it off'. That's not the point though. The point is no matter how we look it's what's on the inside that counts. If you are any sort of friend you should be encouraging and complimenting her. You don't even have to lie about it. Sorry to sound like an Instagram photo but everyone is beautiful in some capacity and you should make sure you do your best to make people like that. The fact you have to comment on someone else's physical appearance only shows me that you have some deep seeded insecurities over your own. Fix that and show people some respect in the future is it people?

Second point what gives anyone the right to dictate how and when someone should express themselves? Telling someone that they should introduce themselves 'slowly' so that others can get used to it shows that you have no understanding of how it feels to live like that. The only person that matters in this instance is the person who has bravely decided to step out publicly as themselves. And you should make fucking sure you become part of the bedrock of their life. Embrace that person and treat them the same. That person has been Trans for probably most of their life and they are the same as always so just be good to them.

I find more and more we have to apologise for being more on the scene than ever. I ask others who are around me if they would be ok with me being Charlie in front of them. Would they be offended or freaked out if I was and when I am I often give people far more leniency than I should with pronouns and names. We all slip up from time to time which is fine but I find that even I say "You can call me whatever name you want I don't mind", but I really do mind. Why do I still let people get away with saying and commenting about my life both physically and mentally as if they are in control? Because of comments like you see above, because I am so used to people dictating my Trans life that it's almost as if I need the permission of the world and to do it on their terms.

Well you know what. We should not have to deal with that. Nobody should tell us what we can and can't do. Nobody should think it's fine to put others down and make up the rules when it comes to our expression. If I want to go out glammed up to the nines then I expect people to be fine with that. If you feel embarrassed or in some way think I'm doing wrong then that's your problem to sort out not mine. If you can't deal with it then I suggest you shut up and stand in a different corner. We are over here being far too progressive.

 Maybe that's naive of me but we shall see.

Charlie xx

If you want to read more of my ramblings then follow me on Twitter @Charlottewbuzz

Leading a double life

This post has gone through like 5 or so changes. Let's hope this is the last.

Before I continue just a little update. On the weekend I went to visit one of my oldest friends at her new pad in the big ol London. Not only is she a fantastic blogger (which you can read here) and a big help to this page, but also an amazing Trans Ally. I'd say bad influence as a joke but in all seriousness her advice is priceless. So before I continue with the rest of the blog I'd like to leave her a big thanks on the page like an idiot, and apologise for all the sexy guys & girls who will now flood her page. I.E you guys :) !

But back on topic....

I was browsing some forums this week and came across an interesting topic. The forum is mostly dedicated to those who identify as CD first though it's still an inclusive and supportive page for everyone on the Transgender spectrum. The post was focused on having a different personality/persona while dressed Female. And this got me thinking. Does being genetically Male but identifying as Female give me two personalities? 

When I was younger I thought that there were two different me's. As I didn't identify as Trans until around a year or two ago I did really think that Charlie was a separate person. Life was a constant struggle between the person I thought I was and the person I had inside of me. This unhealthy relationship between the two people fighting for attention caused me to be far more irrational and angry than I am now. It sounds a little convenient but I did definitely put on a harder nosed persona while in public. Although those who know me in real life would say I am not a traditionally masculine person, I would for a number of years try to take on these traits. Of course anyone who has spent time looking at the differences in the Sexes can tell you that these traits are not mutually exclusive to each but hey I was 16 years old . The only experience I'd had with the differences in Gender roles came from my fairly traditional background. It wasn't until well after University that both my persona's aligned and I realised that Charlotte isn't another person. Charlotte is me.

I used to talk about myself often in the third person. I believed that this gave both myself and others an opportunity to disassociate from the reality of the situation. If Charlotte was this other person for example, they could talk about her without embarrassment or awkwardness. This changed around 3 years ago when I realised that I was Trans. Genderfluid or otherwise I was just one person and that's when my 'alter ego' faded. However it was the overly aggressive macho Male persona that retreated. That really wasn't me, so why try to be two people?

Now, and here's the clever bit. This is where I link some of this back to my visit to London on the weekend. While speaking to my friend, doing my makeup (which you know I am quite excellent at these days) we talked about the importance of me being openly Female more often. She has on many occasions listened to an upset Charlotte being pulled between two Genders and her (my) desire to just be Female. And this is where she said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. 

"You should be you more often".

This could be one of the most important points someone has ever made to me, and one that may act as a turning point for my life going forward (Sorry Hun). Maybe I need to be just one me, even if that one me is currently two people. Or who knows maybe I am two people and I just don't know. 

While traveling back from London these words were stuck in my head. It could be about time I started to consider being just one person. I've often made light of the situation in front of others. I make comments about what could happen if I decided to just identify as Female. But maybe I should start asking these questions for real. I may not want to hear the answer when I find out who that is, however it could be just what I need.

P.S I can damn well rock a T-Shirt and Shorts combo.....

February is kind of important

I'm going to do one of those one year retrospective things now so watch out !

February is kind of important for me. February the 12th to be exact. Because that was the day I decided to stop living in denial and fear of who I was. To get out there and try to be the person that I am today. Without this day there wouldn't be this blog and without it I wouldn't have a new found respect and love for my closest friends. Yeah it's Feb 13th today so I'm a day off writing this post but shhh don't tell anyone.

I remember late 2012 when Laura Jane Grace, the incredible singer of Punk band Against Me! was featured in an article for Rolling Stone. In said article she laid her cards on the table and announced to the world she was Trans. There has always been an LGBT element in punk music, most notably the Queercore offshoot, however for the first time I felt a personal connection with a musician. It was as if Laura was speaking directly to me. I'd been a fan of her band for a number of years but my tastes veered off during University. This article felt like a reunion. Last time you spoke to me I knew you as Tom and now as Laura I feel even more connected. I'd always tried to keep both my Male and Female personas separate especially on social media, but after reading I did something I never have before. I posted the article on my personal Facebook page. This was for me the beginning of this whole journey. 

Things went a little quiet through 2013. Focusing more on my education again I let the words of LJG fade into memory. That was until Jan of 2014 when her band released the absolutely incredible Transgender Dysphoria Blues.

What can I say which hasn't already been said other than this is probably the most important album in my entire life. Even though it's been out for just over a year it's influenced and helped me more so than any other piece of music. The entire album is full of hard hitting songs which all in some way speak to me personally. Much like the article it felt like the band had written an entire album just for me. I don't know how many times the album repeated in my Spotify until I finally bought a copy for myself on February the 12th. I could finally take the album wherever I went and it was then that I realised I'd been running from myself.

I was on a bus coming home from work when my iPod shuffled to in my opinion the best song on the album 'fuckmylife666'. "Edgy" name aside it really did for me encapsulate all the frustrations I'd felt being Trans. The album had a definite ark and this was the point where I was in my own life. I got off the bus and walked for a while. I felt it was time to change things in my life. And that's when I decided to not run any more (Not physically I haven't run in years :P) and face up to who I am. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks Laura. You have helped me tackle my own insecurities and have made me proud to be the person I am. You have mentioned in a number of articles you don't like being called a role model and the like but to me your words are the cornerstone of my new Trans life. Charlotte 2.0 or something if you will. You will probably never read this (Unless I spam your Twitter page which I'm SO GOING TO DO) but thanks for everything. 

One year on so much has changed. I have come out to so many people and I'm beginning to understand more about myself. This blog is just one part of that, by writing my life here I hope to inspire and to make sense of everything. 

On another note I managed to see Against Me! during their November tour of the U.K. I've seen some bands in my time but nobody can rock as hard as you ! Even if you stood on my head at one point.

A whole lotta woman !

So I was sitting here earlier. Drinking a lovely decaf coffee while checking my emails and I came across one that has continued to puzzle me. It was a photo comment from another site. Now these usually go no further than "omg u look amazing" or something of that ilk, this one however was something I'd never seen before. Below I've attached the offending article and the comment.

Nice smile but relax more to show your fem side :)

This comment really isn't worth getting worked up about, someone was really just giving me a bit of harmless advice. But the more I think about it the more I wonder what does being more fem mean? How do I be more fem? And what does that have to do with me being happy?

I'm sure we all have our own biases as to what being Female is or isn't. I could ask a million people and we would all have a different answer in some way. Some would say it's a physical thing, others may cite more personality traits. To this writer it would appear that being Female is more of a physical outward thing, and smiling within a photograph (Albeit a highly exaggerated smile) isn't what it's all about.

But am I being really fair there? Am I judging her entire persona on a small 1 line comment left on a fairly innocuous image on a relatively small part of the web. Or is there more to this? Am I being judged on this persons belief that Women have to be super serious or worse..alluring? To be Fem do I have to now fill all my pictures with a come hither wink and a cheeky corner smile?

I'm sure that's not what this user wanted. They simply wanted to give me some pointers on how they think I could be more Female, but that's the thing. Being more Female. I've never tried to be more Female. I have no idea what that means and if someone asked me to try I wouldn't have any idea where to begin. I've had a number of emails and comments from other Women on the Trans spectrum who have asked me how they can quote unquote "Be more convincing" and I have no idea how to respond to that. There is no magic formula or 5 points to success, and really why how can there be? I can see that there is a stigma towards Trans Women looking like 'Men in Drag' and I know that one of the biggest hurdles we have to climb is the do I look good in the stuff I wear but when it's all said and done it doesn't matter. We should be allowed to do and act how we want. And if you feel that the person on the inside is the real you then does it matter how we look on the outside? If I feel that my Female Persona is an overly happy, bubbly individual then that's who I am. Nobody can ever take that away.

Perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones. I have so many Trans friends who look incredible and outdo me at every turn but then I wouldn't say I am bad at what I do (This is the point where you comment omg u look amazing). This could be down to me feeling more comfortable in what I wear and whatever side of the Gender spectrum I happen to be at any given time. I feel normal in my skin and because of this I don't need to really amplify any parts of my Female side. I dress rather plainly and I only use enough makeup to cover more of my masculine features. I guess that's what being more 'Fem' is to me. 

For context the picture was taken the night that I was going to show off Charlie to my friends for the very first time. This image to me represents both happiness and fear. Scared about what people would think but hopeful that it would bring in a new era  for myself. They say a picture tells a thousand worlds and it's clear that even a selfie can be the cause of some debate.