Selfierapy

Last week I mentioned briefly about some of the tactics I employ to cope with my struggles with gender identity. I spoke about using photography as a form of expression and some of the misconceptions surrounding why I use it. That discussion is in the past, what I do want to talk about however is how I started taking pictures, why I use photography as expression and how it has benefited me in the long run.

I've been a photographer for a number of years. Although I have mostly worked within moving image, particularly short films. I've found that I have a natural eye for taking pictures. As a result I've had a number of my photographs used in print from newspapers to magazines. I enjoy nothing more than getting up early with a camera, taking a lazy walk up to the hills surrounding my home and snapping away at what I find. It's a part of my life however I want to keep away from the blog for now. This has always been Charlie's place and anything that crosses the boundary between her and male me I prefer to not expose. What I am willing to expose though is my love for self photography.

Much like any introspective art form, self photography can be an amazing way to express your true feelings. The more of yourself you put into any project, the more alive it feels and you can't get much more yourself than physically being in the piece. I first started toying with the idea when I purchased a new DSLR a few years back. Having a rotating screen and wireless shutter control mean that I could control what happens in the image and with that I found that I really enjoyed creating pieces of myself.

It may sound incredibly vain but...well yeah it actually is. But vanity is not something in my opinion you should be ashamed of. My priorities are in the right place, my work means that usually I am the last person I think about on a day to day basis therefore taking the time out for me is incredibly relaxing. There is nothing wrong with being proud of who you are and this is just one way that I express that, and more importantly it's going to mean something in the long run.

I don't know one day to the next what will happen. Gender identity makes it so that I live more often than not in the now. I am spurred on in a lot of cases by impulse and that worries me. Will I still be me 5,10,20 years down the line? If I decide later on that I want to live full time female then there's a huge chunk of my life that's missing. I have already in my mind missed out on nearly 30 years of knowing who I really am and in some ways photography is helping that. It helps me track my progress, it's a reminder that however many years down the line Charlotte (I'm going to speak in third person a moment) was here, she is still here, she will always be a part of me and a few snaps taken now will be priceless in the future. I have no pictures of Charlotte with friends for example. 20+ years of her existence has been one of solitude and only now since being more open has she really found honest and true friends. Photography is a way for me to be normal. Some people write songs, create works of art or work selflessly for others, but for me having a physical snapshot of my life going forward is one of the ways that I feel me. In some ways it's a form of therapy.

This wasn't going to be a particularly long piece. I've got another bigger blog coming hopefully at the end of the week. I've sprinkled a few pics throughout the blog. Just to clarify these images have in some way been toyed with in Photoshop. That in no way means the intention of the images have been altered it's mostly some colour grading and brightness changes. If you want some really scary pictures of me all normal and meh then head over to my Twitter @Charlottewbuzz

'Passing' Judgement

Why not both?

The internet can be a fantastic place. Right now I can Google almost anything and find a result. It's allowed me to connect to all of my amazing readers and in some way become a part of your lives. I love sharing my work with you and being a photographer one of the things I like to do the most is create portraits of myself, sharing my style & philosophy of blending both of my genders. Something I've noticed however, especially from one particular group (which I won't name) is the need or the belief that what I wear or how I look has to be somehow graded. As if my conscious decision to look the way I do is not what others want me to look like and therefore is open for comment.

I don't really want to dwell on this all that much. It's only fair that if I create work it should be up for criticism and thankfully this is only an insignificant number compared to the huge amounts if praise I receive. But it always surrounds the same thing, what I could do in future to 'look more feminine'.


This isn't the first time I've written about a topic like this. Only a few weeks ago I spoke about someone telling me how to have a more "Feminine Smile" but I feel it's something I should discuss again.

For those of you who don't know I have begun to find a balance between my genders, a balance I've found through my work. I was for a short while a freelance photographer, helping out with newspapers and whatnot. Although I don't do anything in a professional capacity any more I still like creating pieces of work of myself. I have found tremendous amounts of therapy in tracking my progress visually & I've found joy talking to others about it. Some might consider it just a series of nice looking selfies but to me it expression. Photography and film is my art so being able to create a portfolio of who I am feels amazing. But time and time again it feels like some individuals think I need to essentially be 'one or the other'. Even if I'm Gender Fluid I should apparently commit to one style or the other. This simply isn't the case though. I don't feel 100% one way or the other and I love being able to express that, wearing clothes that are traditionally male and female at the same time. Not wearing much makeup and instead focusing on certain areas that make me personally feel at ease. I shouldn't have to wear nice pretty dresses and six inch thick makeup to express myself and really why would I want to? It seems that for some, if your sex and gender align then you can wear what you want.If your trans however you should encompass all of the stereotypical aspects of that gender. I should want to become a lovely princess, all pink and sparkles and doing otherwise is like I am not fully committing myself. Well no I'm actually quite the opposite and to grade my expression as anything other than what I intend is not beneficial to anybody. It only reinforces a belief that we have to subscribe to certain stereotypes depending on our gender.

What I'm really being told is how to 'pass' better as a woman. What I could do in order to trick you all into thinking, even for a split second that I am physically female. I should want to look so 'hyper woman' as I'm going to call it that I can slip undetected into the ranks, when really it's about inner expression rather than how I look. You only end up focusing on the negatives. Being told "Yeah it's ok but if you do this with your makeup, then you will look more like a girl" doesn't benefit anyone in the long run, least of all me. I know this sounds somewhat like I'm blocking criticism however small or inconsequential. Just remember that we aren't up for debate.

Plus what is our obsession with making sure we 'pass'? What I mean is why is it so important for others to tell me what their interpretation of womanhood is? Are they worried that being seen with me is somehow going to cause embarrassment and are they simply looking out for me? I would like to think the latter however I think it has more to do with this idea that people are allowed to critique the physical features of a trans person. That we are somehow trying to become our desired gender and aww bless are failing. A stereotype perpetuated by Television & Film where trans characters are often presented that way. Like we are baby deers, taking our first unsure steps into womanhood. Non matching clothes, shoes too small and makeup slap dashed on our face. Luckily for us we have our kind friends to tell us we look ridiculous and with a little help us poor ladies can end up as beautiful as them. That's frankly patronising and insulting to the trans community and the gender you are supposedly representing. If people seek advice then by all means give them the support they ask for. But don't just assume that our expression is open for critique.


So here's a picture of me I guess.....

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