It's nice to post something positive for a change.
Hi folks ! I know it's the middle of the month an all but I thought this might be a good time to talk about my appointment yesterday. It's not super interesting but if it helps one person then I've done my job I guess.
So as you're aware, in order to get a referral my GP pushed me through the local mental health team, it was frustrating but I played ball and in some ways I'm glad I did. It's felt quite lonely doing all this recently, I know I have some amazing support online but human interaction is incredibly important to me and not being open to my family has made things feel quite isolated.
I didn't know what to expect with this appointment, I thought maybe the person who saw me would try and pry into every aspect of my life, I thought Freud had somehow come back from the dead and was ready to tell me my dysphoria was because I tied my left shoe first. It was honestly quite frightening, after my last experience with my GP I was worried things would go wrong again, but in reality things couldn't in my opinion have gone better.
From the very off when I told her about my desire to transition she began using female pronouns. For a bunch of annoying medical reasons we had to fill everything in with Mr's and Him's but 'unofficially' I was female. This is the first time I've ever experienced this, and it was amazing ! Like I can't even put into words how nice it was for someone to actually use correct pronouns and things. I've had a bit of an uphill battle with terms in my friend circles, there are about 4 or 5 close friends who instantly switched to Charlotte etc but there are still one or two that need constant reminding that my dead name is no longer in use. Actually I call them friends but I've kind of stopped speaking to them because of it. If they can't respect my name then I can't continue our friendship but I digress.
She told me I had essentially the 20 minutes to talk about myself and she would not pry into things if I didn't want to. I was kind of ok with questions as I'm still finding it hard to get my head around the "I'm transitioning" stuff. Saying it now still feels weird for some reason so having someone ask questions about my life helped a lot. I went through the usual thing, known for years and wanted to begin down the pathway. There was one or two awkward questions about my sexuality however I was more prepared this time. Then she said something that initially made my heart sink but it was actually kind of great to hear. After saying this is what I want to do, it's not a phase or me trying to be different. I've not wanted anything more in my entire life and I'd fight to get it she said.
"Well there isn't much I can do to help"
I was taken back at first. What do you mean you can't help me? I need help. I was readying my emotional speech about how this is going to save me when she said.
"That came out wrong, what I mean to say is you don't need me to help you".
She then went on to explain that from the initial assessment I seemed like a determined young woman, I know what I wanted and no amount of counseling would confirm anything. She did offer a course of sessions if I wanted to make sure this is the path I wanted but instantly said that she doesn't feel I need it. What I needed is support to get to the next stage. In her words someone to fight in my corner to push for this. That's when she offered to push this forward and get the referral sorted.
I had to physically stop myself from diving over the desk to hug her, finally after all this time here's someone with actual clout who believes me. Who treated me as I wanted to be treated. Someone who has said in as many words "You are trans".
We spoke a little more about the dangers of publicly coming out, how I could get support from groups with things like coming out, with work and what have you. I was jumping with excitement while speaking to her, I don't think in 27 years I've ever felt as happy as that one moment.
Before leaving she said something which will stick with me forever.
"If you are a woman let nothing stop you, go for it girl"
I've not been able to stop smiling since, I am kind of weary of people who work in these sorts of fields. Like is she only asking for my skin care routine because she is interested or is it just a way to make me feel comfortable. Either way I was happy and if more people want to give me compliments then that's fine (HINT HINT CLOSE FRIENDS :P )
So that's where I am now. Waiting for my next referral appointment thing where hopefully everything will be sorted. Now it may seem like I'm taking things slow, which I am but I have a plan. Once I know my details are sent off then I'm going to start pushing for private treatment. I've been saving for a while and can at least support myself while doing this. Then it's the next big part, telling my family.
Honestly after what she said I could have gone home to tell people, I don't feel ready yet though. I want the coming out to my transition stage to run smoothly, that's why I'm slowly bringing it up in conversations. For my friends who don't know I'm introducing them slowly and for work I'm trying out a whole new wardrobe. I'll still probably continue to wear my hair in pictures until it's grown to a length that makes me feel confident but I don't want to be wearing it when I come out.
And that's basically it. I'd like to ride this wave of positive and post nice things for a while, let's see how that goes.
From the very off when I told her about my desire to transition she began using female pronouns. For a bunch of annoying medical reasons we had to fill everything in with Mr's and Him's but 'unofficially' I was female. This is the first time I've ever experienced this, and it was amazing ! Like I can't even put into words how nice it was for someone to actually use correct pronouns and things. I've had a bit of an uphill battle with terms in my friend circles, there are about 4 or 5 close friends who instantly switched to Charlotte etc but there are still one or two that need constant reminding that my dead name is no longer in use. Actually I call them friends but I've kind of stopped speaking to them because of it. If they can't respect my name then I can't continue our friendship but I digress.
She told me I had essentially the 20 minutes to talk about myself and she would not pry into things if I didn't want to. I was kind of ok with questions as I'm still finding it hard to get my head around the "I'm transitioning" stuff. Saying it now still feels weird for some reason so having someone ask questions about my life helped a lot. I went through the usual thing, known for years and wanted to begin down the pathway. There was one or two awkward questions about my sexuality however I was more prepared this time. Then she said something that initially made my heart sink but it was actually kind of great to hear. After saying this is what I want to do, it's not a phase or me trying to be different. I've not wanted anything more in my entire life and I'd fight to get it she said.
"Well there isn't much I can do to help"
I was taken back at first. What do you mean you can't help me? I need help. I was readying my emotional speech about how this is going to save me when she said.
"That came out wrong, what I mean to say is you don't need me to help you".
She then went on to explain that from the initial assessment I seemed like a determined young woman, I know what I wanted and no amount of counseling would confirm anything. She did offer a course of sessions if I wanted to make sure this is the path I wanted but instantly said that she doesn't feel I need it. What I needed is support to get to the next stage. In her words someone to fight in my corner to push for this. That's when she offered to push this forward and get the referral sorted.
I had to physically stop myself from diving over the desk to hug her, finally after all this time here's someone with actual clout who believes me. Who treated me as I wanted to be treated. Someone who has said in as many words "You are trans".
We spoke a little more about the dangers of publicly coming out, how I could get support from groups with things like coming out, with work and what have you. I was jumping with excitement while speaking to her, I don't think in 27 years I've ever felt as happy as that one moment.
Before leaving she said something which will stick with me forever.
"If you are a woman let nothing stop you, go for it girl"
I've not been able to stop smiling since, I am kind of weary of people who work in these sorts of fields. Like is she only asking for my skin care routine because she is interested or is it just a way to make me feel comfortable. Either way I was happy and if more people want to give me compliments then that's fine (HINT HINT CLOSE FRIENDS :P )
So that's where I am now. Waiting for my next referral appointment thing where hopefully everything will be sorted. Now it may seem like I'm taking things slow, which I am but I have a plan. Once I know my details are sent off then I'm going to start pushing for private treatment. I've been saving for a while and can at least support myself while doing this. Then it's the next big part, telling my family.
Honestly after what she said I could have gone home to tell people, I don't feel ready yet though. I want the coming out to my transition stage to run smoothly, that's why I'm slowly bringing it up in conversations. For my friends who don't know I'm introducing them slowly and for work I'm trying out a whole new wardrobe. I'll still probably continue to wear my hair in pictures until it's grown to a length that makes me feel confident but I don't want to be wearing it when I come out.
And that's basically it. I'd like to ride this wave of positive and post nice things for a while, let's see how that goes.
 |
| Charlie xx |
"If you are a woman let nothing stop you, go for it girl."
ReplyDeleteBrilliant.