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| Oh shit waddup. |
Hello strangers ! Long time no speak.
Before I delve into what I’ve been up to since I last posted
something it might be a good idea to talk about why I’ve taken such a long
break from writing.
The short and simple answer is I haven’t felt up to it for
quite some time. From about August to December of last year I felt incredibly
trapped in a life that I didn’t want. I was, for lack of a better word still being
seen as a guy, fair enough that was the case for like 26 years before then but
for that short period it felt even more suffocating than before. In turn that
kind of stopped me wanting to write about things, there was this feeling in the
back of my mind that in some ways I was an imposter. Writing about trans things
but not actually living the life that I needed. I decided then to make a
change. Over Christmas I came out to my partner, work colleagues and some
members of my family (Not all but we will come to that). In many ways, a great
weight had been lifted off my mind. All the insecurities of being trans or
having to deal with the process of transitioning felt like tiny insignificant worries.
For the first time in my life I felt like I could finally take care of myself
and get to where I want to be, not what others wanted.
It has been, shall we say a mixed few months emotionally.
The first bit of news is that my partner of 8 years left me just after
Christmas. The details are not worth detailing and it would be incredibly
unfair of me to air that laundry here but it was clear that we could no longer
stay together while I transitioned. Although I was reassured that her leaving
was not because of that it was clear that it was the case. To tell you the
truth it hasn’t been as difficult adjusting and coping with my new life as I
had initially imagined. Moving into my own place, where I can live how I want
has helped greatly with that. We have spoken once or twice since then, nothing
more than pleasantries and if given the opportunity to be friends I would in a
heartbeat however I know that it would lead to greater heartbreak if I did. I’m
perfectly happy to leave that old life behind, close the book and start a new
one with new friends and new experiences.
While we are talking about new experiences I’ve been pushing
forward with both private and NHS care. In February of this year I was given
the all clear from my private doctor to get the ball rolling on getting
hormones. I’m awaiting blood tests (10th of this month actually 😃)
and once those are back and hopefully all good I will be starting HRT very
shortly. I’ve asked around at other people who have seen the same person and
provided it all goes smoothly I should be able to start on my birthday. I can start
before then given the relatively speedy time for private care to sort itself
but being a terrible sucker for occasion I thought it would be nice to start
around that time. I’ve spoken with my work about this too and we are now
planning what we will say to other members of staff etc. My work isn’t secret
but I don’t really like to talk about it on here so let’s just say there are a
few significant hurdles that need to be overcome first.
And on the NHS front I have some excellent news finally. Earlier
last month I had a meeting with the mental health team at my local GP and my
referral letter has since been sent off. Which means that between now and the
time I turn 100 I will get a reply from them but hey at least that’s kind of
good.
So what made me want to get back into writing? Well it’s no
secret that over the last few months there’s been a lot of, shall we say negative
press thrown at trans people. From highly popular right wing ‘news’papers to
buses with terrible things written on them. From governments to broadcasters it
seems now more than ever we need to let our voices heard. To show people that
trans people are just the same as them. We have the same wants and needs as
anyone, and if given the opportunity they can see how incredible we can all be.
I’d like to turn this page into something positive, somewhere I can talk about
the many amazing things that have happened and will happen now I’m no longer
hiding who I really am. A place where I can share my thoughts but also those of
others. I’d like to continue with vlogging and (If my plan comes together)
share some film related projects with y’all. I stopped making short films
because of, well my dysphoria really. I hated seeing my name or face on screen however
I want to change that and start making movies under my new name, my proper
name.
I used to really enjoy sharing parts of my life with the
people who visited on a regular basis, this platform was a real help to me
during some horrible times emotionally. Although I’ve got nothing really set in
stone yet on what to do here I’m hoping that this little post with help spark
some new ideas for me.
Anyway I’ve rambled on now for about a 1000 words, hopefully
there will be something new on here very soon.
It’s good to be back
Charlie xx
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