Grab your hair you've pulled

[TW - Transphobia, assault]

Despite feeling like I've aged about 30 years recently (thanks work) I still love going out on the weekend, I'm not a huge 'clubbing' person although I have found a few relatively inclusive bars and clubs that have kept me kind of safe since I started publicly presenting as female.

That kind of changed this weekend.

What happened may not sound on the outset like a particularly scary or new thing. Most of the people I've spoken to have experienced the same and in most cases far worse than what I've had. I don't want this to sound like a woe is me section when there are events that happen almost daily to trans people which eclipse this, after giving it some thought however I feel it's important to get this story out there. Even the smallest of incidents can have a profound effect on the rest of your life.

Anyway as you know this Saturday was Halloween, now this is probably my favourite annual event/day. Some people love Christmas, others love birthdays. But for me there's nothing better than the terrible commercialisation of modern Halloween. It's the worst, the tacky costumes, the awful films that end up on the TV. The insistence of every drinking establishment play both Ghostbusters and The Time Warp. It's terrible but I love it.

What was I saying? Oh yeah....

I try and make it a tradition to dress up as something for Halloween, but since I started presenting in public last November I've not had a chance to celebrate my favourite time of the year as me. I wanted to for now just go out as normal ass me. No costumes, not covered in fake blood and stuff. Just boring old regular Charlotte, so that's what I did.

Where I live has shall we say, a lively club scene. It's rarely empty on the weekends and nights like these are more manic than ever, I should have maybe thought about that a little more when thinking about where to go. I'm not a bar hopper sort of person. I pick a few, safe places and visit those (Usually free ones because I don't want to spend money to stand in a building with others :P). One of these places is supposedly an LGBT friendly bar. This bar does have some trans people on it's payroll last time I checked and it holds regular drag performances (For the record I'm not equating drag acts with trans people, simply stating that this particular bar has this sort of stuff going on). I honestly thought that, somewhere like this could at least make me feel welcome and safe. I should have known though that these places are far from trans inclusive when it comes to it's clientele.

Now, like everyone one else here. Sometimes I need to use the loo. It's just something that we all have to deal with, and being trans does pose it's own set of issues. This isn't the time or place to go into those because this isn't a WHERE DO I PEE blog. I know where I feel safest and that is in the womens (contrary to a blog a year ago where I felt like I wasn't ready to make that leap). Being genderfluid holds it's own set of issues though, since I present as two genders it can often feel like I'm doing something wrong by using a loo that fits the current gender that I am. I haven't started down the transition path yet, I'm still in the eyes of some people a guy who presents in the opposite gender. I try and put that to the back of my mind when out and if the occasion arises where I have to use the loo, I get in and out. No fuss, no bother. This time however it wasn't so easy. Being full of hen parties means that using the loo is like a fight for survival. If the hunger games was about a group of people fighting to use the one remaining toilet in a tacky nightclub then I think I'd be more interested. Well anyway polite as I am I let people go before blah blah blah, then it's my turn. Lock the door. DO MY THING. Instead of feeling safe however all I received was a load of abuse from outside. I'm not going to detail exactly what was being said but just know that it was horrible. Fortunately a group came to my defense and told them where to stick it. Shaken up I sat there for quite some time considering what my next move was going to be. I decided to try and shrug it off and just go back to enjoying myself, I was going to have a great time no matter what.

Well.....

Growing a bit weary of the bar I wanted to move on to somewhere else. It was getting on and I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Before going however I had to try and round up my friends who have this habit of doing their own thing on nights out, I have no problem with that obviously, what happened while I was rounding them up was the problem.

While moving my way across the dance floor I was, well there's no real way of putting this nicely. I was grabbed by a guy. He must have been like a million feet tall, either that or what he did made me feel like the smallest person in the world. He put his one arm in front of me stopping me from passing and pulled at my hair with his other. Regular readers will know that my gorgeous bangs aren't the work of my own but from a shop. Because of the work I'm in and also the need to present as two genders I keep my real hair short and then change between different hair styles as female. It works for me right now and it means I can change my look often. Well anyway as you can imagine having hair not attached to your actual cranium doesn't hurt when pulled but it does remove it. In the middle of a dance floor, in front of what felt like millions of people. I had my hair pulled off. Why? Well in this persons words.

"Mate, I wanted to check and see if you were a man or a chick"

And in that one moment, years of building and growth were instantly shattered. I felt weak, I felt like I was attacked for wanting to look a way I feel best represents me. I felt like I was something else.

I felt like a man.

And this has really hit me you know? I mean, it's not the worst thing that has happened to me. I've faced abuse before and have tackled it one way or the other. This time however I felt powerless, this person took every ounce of safety and power from me without a single fuck for my feelings. This person clearly felt that it was important to discover what my actual gender was through physical interaction. Perhaps they were confused, perhaps they kind of fancied me. Who knows ? What I do know is it's really shaken me to my core.

My confidence was shattered to such an extent I hid in the gents toilets and broke down I'd decided in that moment that this entire thing, being openly trans was not worth it. I was legitimately thinking to myself I should just quit while I had the chance. Since being more open I've felt sometimes like things have gotten away from me a little. I really do need to feel in control of my own life and sometimes, if for example I bump into someone I know who wasn't aware that can cause problems, and the need to watch my every move just in case something bad may happen. All these things snowballed together into one massive lump of fear within me, and I just couldn't face it.

So there I was, few hours later. I'd not even attempted to get involved with the rest of my night out. I decided instead to sit by myself for a while outside in the little smoking area in the next bar we were at, thinking about what I was going to do next when my friends came out. Stood alongside me and chatted. I told them that I was feeling like giving things up, I could handle hurting myself if that meant nobody else could. Then my friend said something which made me think. It wasn't anything profound, just a few short words.

"You need to be you".

And you know what? He is right. Why should I hurt myself because of others? Why should I fear what people might think and do when the other alternative is to suppress my own feelings. I am me, I am Charlotte. And no meat head arse hole who gives comment or touches my person is going to change that. He can think I'm a man all he wants. But in doing so shows how little a man they really are

This is me, and nobody should get in the way of that.

An open letter to my man

Dude, we need to talk.

This past year has been such a difficult journey for me. Like, I know you know how I feel.But, and this may sound weird. I don't think either of us fully grasps the other. I've wanted to speak to you for quite some time. I'm having to be a different person when all I can focus on is the pain that it's causing. I can't control these emotions any more than you can. But we need to come to some sort of arrangement.

I saw you a few weeks ago, staring back at me. The beard, the clothes. That wasn't me, we needed to change something. So we did. We removed the shackles of having to be a guy and we became me. And it was great, I was happy for a little while. It all came to an end though when you came back, to come stare at me again. "Why are you wearing a skirt? Why do you have makeup on? This isn't you is it?"

It's hurtful, those comments can cause serious pain. And the worst part about all of this is those comments came from me. I said those things to myself. We stood there and categorically decided in that one moment that I was being foolish for expressing my identity.

This isn't the first time that it's happened, I've been equally as vindictive and spiteful against you. Sometimes I really hate how you are. Like why are we inhabiting this same space? You are there saying all these things and pretending to be this person when we both know that in the moment that isn't us. But sometimes it is, very briefly I see us and think. Fuck, if we could just focus on being how we are right now maybe things might not be so bad. And for a moment I fool myself into thinking that if you win then we will be ok. We both know however that things don't work that way. These two genders occupy the same space, and both have a legitimate right to be expressed.

We need to stick up for ourselves more. When you hear those comments from people who think you are all that there is about us. When they dissect and make comment about the trans community, yet we remain silent. Scared that this could lead to an outburst, it has happened before. We almost lost someone we care for so dearly because of this. And I still sit there and get choked up over it. We lock away those emotions and it never goes well, after so long the pressure cooker explodes and it always leads to blow back on us. If only people could understand that the exterior you give off isn't always you, and being able to safely express yourself would lead to more positive outcomes.

I'm calmer when I know that whenever the feelings change, we can transition from either identity. In the long run there isn't two people here. We are the same person, but it's obvious that sometimes it feels that way. That needs to stop, I need to stop doing it. We both need to stop doing it.

So, what am I actually saying? Perhaps it's time we tried to work together. It has always felt like it's me against you. You are an ass and I can be a bit of a bitch to you. Let's just not from now on is it?

Let's leave the closet in the next year.

Genderfluid Month Vlog

Oh look it's me again. Talking about stuff.

Genderfluidity Month Intro

So, urm...HEY EVERYONE

Today is the first day of October, so you know what that means? I'm dedicating an entire month to something that is really important to my gender identity journey, by talking about the identity that I feel best describes me.

Why am I doing this then you all ask ? Well I talk quite a lot on this page about my experiences being female and how those experiences relate to her. As in me. As in..well yeah see that's the thing. G.F is such a complicated and fuzzy thing that I wanted to let you all in on how that feels. Some of the frustrations and how I cope with having essentially two genders.

What will I be talking about then? I've got a few little topics planned,next week I will be doing another vlog on how being genderfluid has been both a positive and negative experience. I will talk about labels soon and how I feel those can be a double edged sword. I want to (if I can) get someone on here to guest write, and maybe (if your lucky) you will get to hear more from the side of my gender identity that never really appears here all that often.

I'll be trying some new things that I haven't done before with my writing. So hopefully it will be at least interesting and informative. As for my Twitter I will try and post as many links and resources about this subject throughout the month. So if you don't already follow me there should be a link somewhere on this page. Maybe I'll even make a little #genderfluidmonth hashtag just so you can find whatever I post.

Check back in a few days (When I'm not working my socks off) to see what I have planned

Charlie xxx

Representation

If you follow me on Twitter you may remember a few months back I was interested in talking a little more about the representation of trans people in the media. In both fiction and factual programming, in television & film and even down to news I was interested to look at how we are portrayed in these formats. Well I've tried my best to put a good face on things but really I'm not feeling totally positive. Don't get me wrong there are some programs out there that aren't bad, but time and time again I see the same issues crop up. So with that in mind I'm going to write a few pointers on how we can perhaps make things a little better.

1) Language

Look, we get it. Some people find the idea of someone 'switching genders' fascinating. Call it voyeurism or fascination it don't matter, but this trend of using what I consider harmful permeates throughout. Do me a favour, read an article on a trans person or watch a factual program and see how long before one of these two lines appear.

A) She was born a boy and is now living as a woman

or

B) (Insert dead name here) now called (Insert actual name here)

Because from my recent experiences its far more common than I initially imagined. Sometimes if you're lucky you will get a double whammy and find them both within the same article. Can we like, I don't know maybe stop doing this now? 'Switching Genders' doesn't work like this. For most of us we have had to live in the gender we were not comfortable with for years. We haven't 'switched', we have aligned. Perhaps we can come up with a better term for it. For example just not ever explaining it again. Nobody needs this type of explanation. And as for the name thing, yeah please can we stop doing the dead naming thing. It doesn't benefit anyone, the trans person or the reader. It makes it sound so temporary or frivolous. We already face persecution under the false belief that we do all this for aesthetic or selfish reasons. Dead naming, even in this context is not helpful.

2) The Picture Parade

You have all seen this one at some point I'm sure. It usually happens quite early on in a program. This is where the creator makes a generation game style carousel of childhood images. This one is more of a creative complain than a perception one. This, alongside sequences of trying on makeup and glamming up feel incredibly outdated and says nothing. We should all by now be used to this sort of imagery and it's about time we put it to bed.

3) Facts Facts Facts !

I love a good story about people being people. We have this tool at our disposal that, when used correctly can really tell a person's story. But all too often we miss out on some of the important facts when it comes to transitioning and trans issues in general. As you should all be aware by now I'm not currently going through any of the million hoops you have to get through to transition. And that's mostly because the whole process seems so dense and confusing I have no idea where to begin. This is where film and TV can come in. I and many others I'm sure would love to see a focus placed on the process of going from where I am now to transitioning. Who do we speak to? Where do we start? What are the options? It's a scary and confusing road which I believe can put many people off, myself included. That doesn't mean it's stopping people from starting the process, but to seek the right advice early on and perhaps not prolong things further than they need. There's also far too little information on what medication does and does not do. We hear all the time from those who are not versed in this stuff say "When are you having the Op?" and similar things. That's only because the information is still for many not as accessible to either access or to parse. Now I'm not saying we turn people's lives into a clinical medical thing, turning what is a rich and deep subject into nothing more than 'You can do this, this and this' however I feel there could be a balance. I'm sure there are programs which do offer some of this information but I'm still looking for one which feels truly beneficial.

There's a few things I feel could be handled a little better within the industry that I love so much. This is by no means a comprehensive list, nor is it particularly academic. If you want to look even further into this subject, perhaps at a deeper level then I highly recommend you try Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. She wrote an entire section on this sort of subject which is well worth reading.

It's homework time now folks. What do you think companies/production groups need to do in order to further improve our perception within film, TV & the press? Is it time we have a full overhaul of how we are represented? Or are we getting there a bit at a time? Let's share some information and cite some examples maybe. I'm also aware that knocking something down isn't beneficial if I don't try to build things back up. So I'll create a follow up shortly citing my own examples and perhaps offering some more constructive feedback. 

Charlie xx

Genderfluid month - October 2015

Hey y'all !

So I'm kind of back a little bit. Call this a soft relaunch or something if you want, and apologies for the quick blog here I'm kind of in a rush (I should be in work about now)

So I've been thinking about focusing on an aspect of my gender identity though the month of October. Something that I feel isn't really talked about all that much and does come with it's own set of issues, and that is genderfluidity (is that even a word?)

As most of you know that's how I identify right now and although that might change in future I feel it best fits my situation. But time and time again I've had questions from those who are confused by what it is, if it's even real and why can't I just stop being greedy and pick one?. So that's what I want to do next month. I want to tell people about my experiences, dispel some myths and maybe have some other people on to guest blog.

But I can't do it alone. You see I have some ideas but I'd love to hear from you, my fantastic audience. What would you like to hear about? Are there any specific topics you want me to cover or do you just want a month of me rambling on about stuff?

I'm making this a post a call for topics and questions. If you have any specific things you want me to cover then write them down in the comments, tweet me @CharlotteWTalk or email me at charlotterosewilliams1989@gmail.com

Over on my Twitter I'll be posting articles from other outlets on the subject too so remember to follow me there to get all the super awesome information I'll be posting.

So what are you waiting for? Get writing !

Ground control to Major Tom

I'm sure some of you (by that I mean none of you) have begun wondering why I've not posted in just over a month. Since my last blog I've been super quiet here and despite having some of my most viewed posts since the blog started I've failed to keep up the momentum. So why is that ? Well I'll explain below.

First of all I've wanted to take a little break and recharge my writing batteries again. In the first 6 months I really did go through most of the topics I wanted to talk about and since joining Twitter I've found a whole new host of things to talk about. Up until April most of my posts were personal, I commented on my own experiences however since finding a bigger audience I've started speaking about the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. With that exposure does come some criticism which definitely does put a damper on things but more than that I want to feel like I can answer any detractors in an educated way, hence why I've been taking time away to learn as much as I can. I have some content ready to go on the recent Stonewall movie controversy but I want to make 100% sure it's ready to go before I post it.

Secondly I've been having some really awful times with my identity this summer. That's despite being more open and exposed than ever. You see although I call myself trans for ease of discussion I am in actual fact more gender fluid. Be that for work purposes or whatever my identity is not fixed and I do find myself going back and forth between two people. That's a really simplistic way of putting it but maybe it's something I can expand on in the future. I don't control when this happens and as a result it has an impact on my blog and me personally. When I'm in this mid point I tend to be far more aggressive and frustrated which leads me to do silly things like delete a whole bunch of people from my Facebook because 'lol it's funny'. This also means that I find less topics to write about and have less enthusiasm for what I do. 

Will I come back soon? Most definitely ! I have some interesting things I want to talk about very soon, for now though I just need this time to myself. 

I hope to be back in the next few weeks with a few topics on genderfluidity, what it's like and perhaps get the perspective of other genderfluid people. So until then I love you all and I'll speak to you soon.

Charlie xx