Right so it's been a few weeks since that first appointment and in that time I've been to another, last week as a matter of fact. In that first meeting I was kind of hoping the process would get explained to me a little more and how I go from where I am now to the GIC path. The relative newness of this whole thing however meant my GP had to do some digging. And it's kind of 'eeehhh' news (I'm assuming your all going to do that sound in your head and somehow it will make sense)
The second appointment was a far cry from the first. My doctor is still the same person as they ever were, that hasn't changed. Instead the content and intensity of what I've been asked and how it made me feel has changed. After the initial appointment it felt like a great weight had been lifted off my mind. I'd finally told someone how I was feeling outside a circle of friends and better still, this person was in a position to actually help me. From the outset of the second appointment however I kind of got the feeling that things were going to be an uphill struggle.
The same questions remained, sexual partners, sexuality, how long have I felt this way blah blah however instead of there being a caring ear at the end of my answers, it felt more like I was being tested. Like these questions, however irrelevant in my mind to transitioning were being used to grade how suitable I was to get referred.
And it hit me, this is how it's going to be isn't it? The questions, the accusations, the miscommunication. I'm on the path and this is where the real fight starts. I'd prepared myself for this, I knew that whatever I said would be met with a set of tick boxes, cross referenced to that time 10 years ago I dressed as a nurse in university for fancy dress. There was one thing I was not prepared for.
After the long speech about how it will mean I wont be able to get it up any more (or something along those lines) she made an assessment, not that she had to but all the same she made her opinion clear.
"Judging by how you sound and your mannerisms. I think you are more like a boy".
There it is, the cause of a fortnight of self loathing and anger. Someone, who I thought would be open to listen to me. To never judge a book by its cover. Would take a quick glance at me and essentially say I was too much like a boy.
Fuck that noise !
I mean, who the hell goes and says that to someone who is in this position. Someone who has struggled immensely over the last few years to even get to this first point. This initial meeting has been 5 years in the making and now. On the verge of making a decision was brushed off with an off hand comment about the fact I may not have shaved in like 2 days.
What the fuck does that even mean? Too much like a boy? What!?! I just don't understand what that even means as a concept. What is too much boy? Too much girl? So they expect to just roll up in a pink dress and heals saying I cry my makeup off every night as I hide my bleached blonde wig one last time? Is that what they want?
Because they ain't getting it.
I used to think that's how it was supposed to be. I had to wear the nice dresses and the cute clothes. But that was when I was like 16. Not 27 and in that time I've shrugged many elements of 'stereotypical femininity' and found a way to present my punk/rock style in a comfortable manner. She wasn't having it though.
I kind of left my appointment in a daze. I still don't know which way to progress now. I was told something about waiting for a mental health gatekeeper but I've yet to hear a single thing from them.
I was feeling quite crappy about the situation however I was ready to keep fighting. To find the next step and go from there. That was until I was made fully aware of the transition process here in Wales.
Before I continue I should stress I am quite a proud Welsh girl. I am incredibly proud of where I'm from, warts an all. I love the fact we have our own language and customs which still remain despite years of rule from across the river. We are a land of song and dance which nobody can take from us.........but out NHS can be a little bit toss.
So to make you all aware, and bare in mind I'm still super new so this could be totally wrong. But the steps to get referred to a GIC is still years behind our British counterparts. It's around a 5 step process with gatekeepers along the way. The process doesn't work in a trans persons favour and it can in my opinion put people in danger.
One of the things my GP picked up on was me not being full time just yet, for family and work reasons I am yet to make that leap just yet. I work on a term basis and consistency is key so to rock up one day in my makeup could really cause problems without significant forewarning. If they had their way however I'd have to start like right now despite being far from ready to do it.
It's honestly kind of got me in a slump, I've kind of reeled away from trans related discussions and even thinking about what I'm going to do scares me to such an extend it makes me ill. My life is still going on around me too, family plans, work progressing nicely. All the while I'm still stuck in the same mindset I've had since I was small.
I need to be a girl.
SOOOOOOO, that's why I've been away for the last fortnight. Why friends have had to deal with me shouting at them and using them as virtual shoulders to cry on. Why I've pushed transitioning to the back of my mind in the hope that it can be consumed by a false desire to just be a cis person.
But I'm not. I'm fucking trans, and the sooner I can accept that the quicker I can make real progress.
Honestly any sort of advice would be amazing right now. Thanks already to my friends who have text me, sent me contact details of people who may be able to help and when it comes down to it, been there for me. I don't deserve friends as good as you lot (You know who you are !) and I hope that I haven't annoyed people in the last few weeks.
To help with this process I've taken on a new hobby. POETRY ! It started in the middle of last week while I was toying with some simple ABAB rhyming structures. Since then I've started to work on something more serious that I hope to present to you soon, So while you wait I'd just like to say thank you for all your amazing advice recently y'all !
Charlie xxx
