A whole lotta woman !

So I was sitting here earlier. Drinking a lovely decaf coffee while checking my emails and I came across one that has continued to puzzle me. It was a photo comment from another site. Now these usually go no further than "omg u look amazing" or something of that ilk, this one however was something I'd never seen before. Below I've attached the offending article and the comment.

Nice smile but relax more to show your fem side :)

This comment really isn't worth getting worked up about, someone was really just giving me a bit of harmless advice. But the more I think about it the more I wonder what does being more fem mean? How do I be more fem? And what does that have to do with me being happy?

I'm sure we all have our own biases as to what being Female is or isn't. I could ask a million people and we would all have a different answer in some way. Some would say it's a physical thing, others may cite more personality traits. To this writer it would appear that being Female is more of a physical outward thing, and smiling within a photograph (Albeit a highly exaggerated smile) isn't what it's all about.

But am I being really fair there? Am I judging her entire persona on a small 1 line comment left on a fairly innocuous image on a relatively small part of the web. Or is there more to this? Am I being judged on this persons belief that Women have to be super serious or worse..alluring? To be Fem do I have to now fill all my pictures with a come hither wink and a cheeky corner smile?

I'm sure that's not what this user wanted. They simply wanted to give me some pointers on how they think I could be more Female, but that's the thing. Being more Female. I've never tried to be more Female. I have no idea what that means and if someone asked me to try I wouldn't have any idea where to begin. I've had a number of emails and comments from other Women on the Trans spectrum who have asked me how they can quote unquote "Be more convincing" and I have no idea how to respond to that. There is no magic formula or 5 points to success, and really why how can there be? I can see that there is a stigma towards Trans Women looking like 'Men in Drag' and I know that one of the biggest hurdles we have to climb is the do I look good in the stuff I wear but when it's all said and done it doesn't matter. We should be allowed to do and act how we want. And if you feel that the person on the inside is the real you then does it matter how we look on the outside? If I feel that my Female Persona is an overly happy, bubbly individual then that's who I am. Nobody can ever take that away.

Perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones. I have so many Trans friends who look incredible and outdo me at every turn but then I wouldn't say I am bad at what I do (This is the point where you comment omg u look amazing). This could be down to me feeling more comfortable in what I wear and whatever side of the Gender spectrum I happen to be at any given time. I feel normal in my skin and because of this I don't need to really amplify any parts of my Female side. I dress rather plainly and I only use enough makeup to cover more of my masculine features. I guess that's what being more 'Fem' is to me. 

For context the picture was taken the night that I was going to show off Charlie to my friends for the very first time. This image to me represents both happiness and fear. Scared about what people would think but hopeful that it would bring in a new era  for myself. They say a picture tells a thousand worlds and it's clear that even a selfie can be the cause of some debate.

Paint the town Trans

Since starting this blog there have been a number of firsts for me. This was the first time I’d spoken publicly about events during my teenage years. The first time I’ve taken an active interest at Gender equality and this week saw the first public outing of the Transgender me. Now I’m here to tell you the story.

Some of my closest friends have seen Charlotte in person and it was one of these occasions which kicked things off. We were discussing where to take my Trans discovery next, should I keep things low down for a while or should I strike while the iron is hot and let the world know. We had a night out planned and I mentioned briefly that maybe that’s where I should take Charlotte next. We had already planned to visit a big LGBT bar in the local area so to me it made perfect sense.

Initially I was quite worried about the possibility of going out in public. I didn’t want to throw too much attention on myself however the very nature of someone who’s genetically male in female clothing would attract some negative comments. Even an LGBT bar was in my eyes a minefield of abuse and worry. The bar is always home to Stag and Hen parties who come to see the Drag Queen performances and whatnot. I personally believe it’s an excuse to dance to Carly RaeJepson but I digress.

The most comfortable shoes I own !

I’d made the decision to dress down as much as possible. One of my biggest concerns is how I come across to others. Maybe it’s due to the events in my past or maybe it’s because I’m just incredibly vain but I really didn’t want to look out of place or uncomfortable in what I was wearing. As we were also visiting a Metal/Rock club after I was going to opt for my usual T-shirt and Jeans though with some persuasion I’d gone for a dress. I’m usually more of a top and skirt kind of person as I wasn’t convinced I could pull off the dress look. I decided to go for a basic grey and black number because you know I’m really adventurous.

The biggest pain was finding the right pair of shoes for the occasion. Not to fall into the stereotype but if you’re going to be standing up dancing for 7 hours you really do need to think about what you have on your feet, especially since it’s a 15 minute walk from one club to the next. I can walk and generally exist in heels just fine but that long time standing told me I had to think a bit sensibly about what I wore……and then I just went for some heeled shoes anyway. Enough about my clothes for now, you want to hear all the gory details of my actual night out don’t you!

Before catching our taxi we met at a local pub for food and a general natter before the soothing sounds of Slipknot and AC/DC destroyed our years. To me this part was the scariest, out in town I would be nothing more than a face in the crowd. But right there in a relatively quiet pub I could be the target of anyone’s comments. I took a deep breath, had a quick drag of a cigarette to calm my nerves and we went in.

Hotel selfie I guess

I don’t know what’s more amazing. The fact that barely anyone looked or that those who did were nothing but complimentary, those who have known me for a long time still have some difficulty in separating my Male and Female sides. Still opting to call me ‘He’ or my Male name (Which you know I’m SOOOO going to divulge on here). But to these normal pub goers I was nothing more than a Woman; ok a Trans Woman I wasn’t going to convince anyone for long. Even then people still called me by my Female name or used ‘She’ etc. It was honestly amazing. I guess to most being called ‘love’ or ‘darling’ isn’t something to phone home about and could even be perceived as a little sexist but right there in that moment it was exhilarating. I didn’t have to explain myself to people by saying you can call me this or that, it was instinctive. I think I perhaps give people too much stick and I instantly assume every man is going to think it’s weird but I found it to be the total opposite. Whether they said anything behind my back is another story but in that moment I was treated with nothing but respect and dignity.

Now I’m sure you are all excited to find out which restroom I used. Did I brave it and venture into the Chamber of Secrets (You know the Women’s) or do what comes naturally and frequent the pit of misery that is a Gents. Well I opted for the latter. I felt that at this stage I wasn’t prepared to make the big leap just yet, despite confusing a teenager who had come in with his father as I stood by the window doing my makeup. “Are we in the wrong one Dad?” “No, but isn’t life fascinating”.

The whole issue of which to use has sort of become a topic since that night. In the three or so bars we visited I used the Gents and each time I was told that if I wanted I was within my rights to use the Ladies. I obviously have some dignity and I used a cubicle. It’s just amazing to see perceptions are changing. They have changed to such an extend I had a 10 minute conversation with a fellow AC/DC fan while standing by a mirror why I chose the specific brand of Foundation I had.

The LGBT bar we visited was like a dream, people swarming around you to chat to you about various parts of your outfit and speaking ever so kindly about the ensemble I managed to throw together a few days before. After a few drinks (and that aforementioned Carly Rae Jepson dance) we moved onto our favourite Metal bar.

Laddered Tights = Sign of a good night

I felt right at home here. The fist bumps, hugs and support continued. Even more so than in the previous bar, I joined in with a group of lads to sing Tenacious D’s super delightful hit ‘Fuck her Gently’, mostly to annoy the smokers in the club opposite who found the idea of a bar full of people dressed in black rather amusing. I guess that was the only real ‘oppression’ I felt on that night. It came from other places. Only once I faced real negativity and if three drunken lads doing a small laugh at the man in a dress is negativity then I really feel for my fellow Trans Women who experience this sort of shit on a daily basis, and in a lot of cases they receive even worse. 

As we left at 4 in the morning back to our Taxi after dancing to the rather amazing Carry on Wayward son. The bond with my friends strengthened I started to wonder to think about many of my friends who are unfortunately in a position where they could never do what I had done. Those in oppressed locations, those who fear for their lives if they come out, those who fear the stigma and the potential abuse they may get. And to you I say it will get better. Hopefully one day we will be able to be who we are and express ourselves as the amazing, strong and powerful group that we most definitely are. My next goal is to socialise in the day as Charlotte. Let’s hope that experience goes as well as this. 

Shopping Anxiety

There will come a time in most of our Trans lives (Urgh) when we have to stop buying things online and venture out into the wide world. Despite the amount of amazing things we can get on the web in discreet packaging and for a good price, nothing compares to actually visiting a shop to buy what you need. Not only can you see in real life what an item of clothing looks like, but you can see how well something may fit you. I usually stick around the Size 10 mark however there are items which I may go up or down in size, something you wouldn't know if you bought purely online. There is however still an element of anxiety or fear when buying in person. With others it’s no problem at all. When buying for my partner there’s no problem. So why does it only happen when I’m buying for myself? And do other Trans Men & Women have this issue?

It’s something I noticed on one of my last solo ventures. I needed a pair of leggings. As items of clothing go it’s nothing too exciting. Everywhere sells them so it wasn't as if I was getting something special or something which would require the assistance of staff. I went to wherever it was I was buying from and was greeted by a member of staff asking if I needed any help. This is definitely a plus and I’d hate for people to think that I was annoyed at being approached, considering I was in a shop that sold just Women’s clothing so any help was definitely appreciated. If I was buying for someone else then they could have helped me make the right choice. And if I am buying for myself then it should just be another sale. But as confident as I was going in that moment made me anxious. It was like a hundred different pairs of eyes had suddenly laser focused onto me, everyone trying to figure out why a guy was in the market for some leggings. The truth is there was only her and me in the store, but it couldn't help but make me feel like I was being judged. So I made a swift exit and never got the leggings I needed (I SO NEEDED THEM SHUT UP).

I decided to go to a more impersonal store where the shop owners couldn't care less who you are or what you bought. Although comforting in some weird way I did feel somewhat bad about leaving somewhere which could have offered me a better service. So I began to think why was I anxious about someone who I've never met and will likely never meet again knowing?

Well think it could be two different things. And both of them are personal things I should really work on. Firstly am I only acting this way because I think everyone knows I’m there to buy for myself? It feels almost as if for that brief moment everyone can read my thoughts and they just know that I’m there because I desperately need that pair of shoes (Thanks for the stereotype there Charlie :P). And could being dressed in my normal Male clothes make me feel uncomfortable with the idea of buying things for myself. There is still some percentage of the population who still perceive Trans Men & Women as perverts who only wear the opposite Genders clothing for some thrill. This is an image that has slowly begun to change as we begin to understand the various different aspects of Gender Identity and why we may or may not end up in the garments of the opposite sex.

 It would be all too easy to blame other people for these issues but I think there are aspects about myself which could be changed. Consider for example my prejudice towards the general public, perhaps stemming from the events I've experienced (See: Me myself and Charlie part 2). Maybe I thought that the person in question wouldn't get the whole Trans thing and things could have gone weird. Maybe part of me feels that if this random stranger knew I was Trans they would I don’t know refuse to sell to me, or give me some horrible abuse or worse it could involve someone who doesn't look at the community in the best of light. Now she didn't give off the impression that she was anything other than a shop assistant trying to help a customer so why did I put up that barrier so fast? Am I being just as judgmental as the people I assume are doing the same to me? Maybe I should give people a bit more considerate about how they may perceive Transgenderism.

It appears I’m also not the only one who suffers from this type of anxiety when buying clothes either. I dropped this question to several members of my friends in the Trans community and it appears some of you shared the exact same feelings as I do. I asked one of my closest friends in the community all about the matter and she said almost exactly the same as me. “I just couldn't shake the feeling that everybody knew I was shopping to crossdress and being judged, it was the most anxious I've ever felt in public”. So it appears I’m not alone in this.

So what can we do to help this issue? Well I’m not going to suggest every shop has a visible Trans friendly space or to make a deal out of it. As societal norms change it will eventually reach the point where it won’t matter.  I can do some things myself thought to help speed the process up. Next time someone asks why hide it? Why not take someone’s help? Who knows maybe they can offer up some great advice.

And as a treat here's a picture of some shoes I just bought.....