Grab your hair you've pulled

[TW - Transphobia, assault]

Despite feeling like I've aged about 30 years recently (thanks work) I still love going out on the weekend, I'm not a huge 'clubbing' person although I have found a few relatively inclusive bars and clubs that have kept me kind of safe since I started publicly presenting as female.

That kind of changed this weekend.

What happened may not sound on the outset like a particularly scary or new thing. Most of the people I've spoken to have experienced the same and in most cases far worse than what I've had. I don't want this to sound like a woe is me section when there are events that happen almost daily to trans people which eclipse this, after giving it some thought however I feel it's important to get this story out there. Even the smallest of incidents can have a profound effect on the rest of your life.

Anyway as you know this Saturday was Halloween, now this is probably my favourite annual event/day. Some people love Christmas, others love birthdays. But for me there's nothing better than the terrible commercialisation of modern Halloween. It's the worst, the tacky costumes, the awful films that end up on the TV. The insistence of every drinking establishment play both Ghostbusters and The Time Warp. It's terrible but I love it.

What was I saying? Oh yeah....

I try and make it a tradition to dress up as something for Halloween, but since I started presenting in public last November I've not had a chance to celebrate my favourite time of the year as me. I wanted to for now just go out as normal ass me. No costumes, not covered in fake blood and stuff. Just boring old regular Charlotte, so that's what I did.

Where I live has shall we say, a lively club scene. It's rarely empty on the weekends and nights like these are more manic than ever, I should have maybe thought about that a little more when thinking about where to go. I'm not a bar hopper sort of person. I pick a few, safe places and visit those (Usually free ones because I don't want to spend money to stand in a building with others :P). One of these places is supposedly an LGBT friendly bar. This bar does have some trans people on it's payroll last time I checked and it holds regular drag performances (For the record I'm not equating drag acts with trans people, simply stating that this particular bar has this sort of stuff going on). I honestly thought that, somewhere like this could at least make me feel welcome and safe. I should have known though that these places are far from trans inclusive when it comes to it's clientele.

Now, like everyone one else here. Sometimes I need to use the loo. It's just something that we all have to deal with, and being trans does pose it's own set of issues. This isn't the time or place to go into those because this isn't a WHERE DO I PEE blog. I know where I feel safest and that is in the womens (contrary to a blog a year ago where I felt like I wasn't ready to make that leap). Being genderfluid holds it's own set of issues though, since I present as two genders it can often feel like I'm doing something wrong by using a loo that fits the current gender that I am. I haven't started down the transition path yet, I'm still in the eyes of some people a guy who presents in the opposite gender. I try and put that to the back of my mind when out and if the occasion arises where I have to use the loo, I get in and out. No fuss, no bother. This time however it wasn't so easy. Being full of hen parties means that using the loo is like a fight for survival. If the hunger games was about a group of people fighting to use the one remaining toilet in a tacky nightclub then I think I'd be more interested. Well anyway polite as I am I let people go before blah blah blah, then it's my turn. Lock the door. DO MY THING. Instead of feeling safe however all I received was a load of abuse from outside. I'm not going to detail exactly what was being said but just know that it was horrible. Fortunately a group came to my defense and told them where to stick it. Shaken up I sat there for quite some time considering what my next move was going to be. I decided to try and shrug it off and just go back to enjoying myself, I was going to have a great time no matter what.

Well.....

Growing a bit weary of the bar I wanted to move on to somewhere else. It was getting on and I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Before going however I had to try and round up my friends who have this habit of doing their own thing on nights out, I have no problem with that obviously, what happened while I was rounding them up was the problem.

While moving my way across the dance floor I was, well there's no real way of putting this nicely. I was grabbed by a guy. He must have been like a million feet tall, either that or what he did made me feel like the smallest person in the world. He put his one arm in front of me stopping me from passing and pulled at my hair with his other. Regular readers will know that my gorgeous bangs aren't the work of my own but from a shop. Because of the work I'm in and also the need to present as two genders I keep my real hair short and then change between different hair styles as female. It works for me right now and it means I can change my look often. Well anyway as you can imagine having hair not attached to your actual cranium doesn't hurt when pulled but it does remove it. In the middle of a dance floor, in front of what felt like millions of people. I had my hair pulled off. Why? Well in this persons words.

"Mate, I wanted to check and see if you were a man or a chick"

And in that one moment, years of building and growth were instantly shattered. I felt weak, I felt like I was attacked for wanting to look a way I feel best represents me. I felt like I was something else.

I felt like a man.

And this has really hit me you know? I mean, it's not the worst thing that has happened to me. I've faced abuse before and have tackled it one way or the other. This time however I felt powerless, this person took every ounce of safety and power from me without a single fuck for my feelings. This person clearly felt that it was important to discover what my actual gender was through physical interaction. Perhaps they were confused, perhaps they kind of fancied me. Who knows ? What I do know is it's really shaken me to my core.

My confidence was shattered to such an extent I hid in the gents toilets and broke down I'd decided in that moment that this entire thing, being openly trans was not worth it. I was legitimately thinking to myself I should just quit while I had the chance. Since being more open I've felt sometimes like things have gotten away from me a little. I really do need to feel in control of my own life and sometimes, if for example I bump into someone I know who wasn't aware that can cause problems, and the need to watch my every move just in case something bad may happen. All these things snowballed together into one massive lump of fear within me, and I just couldn't face it.

So there I was, few hours later. I'd not even attempted to get involved with the rest of my night out. I decided instead to sit by myself for a while outside in the little smoking area in the next bar we were at, thinking about what I was going to do next when my friends came out. Stood alongside me and chatted. I told them that I was feeling like giving things up, I could handle hurting myself if that meant nobody else could. Then my friend said something which made me think. It wasn't anything profound, just a few short words.

"You need to be you".

And you know what? He is right. Why should I hurt myself because of others? Why should I fear what people might think and do when the other alternative is to suppress my own feelings. I am me, I am Charlotte. And no meat head arse hole who gives comment or touches my person is going to change that. He can think I'm a man all he wants. But in doing so shows how little a man they really are

This is me, and nobody should get in the way of that.

Vlog : Bullying, Bandits and Bad Times

Triggers: Suicide, Self Harm, Bullying. This is a really difficult on this week, I talk about some really heavy stuff and hopefully do it justice. Let me know in the comments your thoughts etc etc etc

Here we are again

Some of you may be aware of the recent news surrounding the murder of Trans Woman Yazmin Payne. She was found stabbed to death when Firefighters responded to an apartment fire in the Van Nuys area of Los Angeles. The murder of anyone Trans or otherwise is a tragedy, what makes this worse is it's another number in an increasingly growing statistic. A statistic which has seen three Trans Women of colour killed in the last month alone.

This isn't the first time in recent weeks that I've had to write about a similar tragedy and it feels like we can't go a week without finding a news article about some form of Transphobia. This really isn't the place for me to comment on how or why this happens nor do I know the answers, I'm going to try however. 

When any minority begins to gain any sort of awareness negativity is sure to follow, and as a group we have had to suffer a significant amount. This isn't oppression Olympics obviously but the fact that people are being targeted SPECIFICALLY because of their Gender is seriously messed up. 2014 on the whole was a time of great celebration for us as a community. It was still book-ended by tragic events however for the first time it felt like we were winning. 2015 I'm not so sure.

I shouldn't even have to write this. How is being Trans a negative? Why does being Trans warrant abuse and violence? We hurt no one yet there's still a belief we can be tormented. 

Trans Men & Women have to face abuse and ridicule on a daily basis. We are just Men in Dresses. Freaks who find some sort of thrill from dressing up as a girl. Less than human and open to beatings, bullying and murder. 

This attitude is not only abhorrent but factually untrue. Regardless of the reasons for being who we are it does not give anyone an excuse to act out their violent fantasies upon us.

The world is a dangerous place. It's especially dangerous when you can't help but be the person who you are. We are hurt for who we are. For being Women, for being Men. For being Human.

HRC (Human Rights Campaign) are working alongside the Trans People of Colour Collective with the hope of spreading awareness and support for the community. They released a report outlining some of the areas where we are being failed and are calling for action to be taken. Link here. This will hopefully prove worthwhile and it will ensure that the memories of these Men & Women won't be forgotten.

What can we do as then to raise awareness? Well just be an ally. Raise awareness of the issues facing the Trans community. March alongside us hand in hand. Be brave. Be a friend.

I'm not sure what I really wanted to say by this piece. Unlike most of my other essay type blogs I've not had a few weeks to plan and it could come off as a little rushed. But with any luck someone who isn't aware of recent events will read this and look into what's been going on. Every little helps, even if that help is coming from a slightly irate part time girl.

If you want to look into any of the issues raised in more detail then I suggest starting with the Human Rights Campaign page. Link Here. Let's turn 2015 into a positive one !

Leelah Alcorn.

By now I'm sure those of you who visit my blog may have read or have at least heard a little about the tragic death of Leelah Alcorn almost a week ago. A death that in this day an age should have been completely preventable. For all the banner waving and positive outcomes of 2014, this event shows that we have a long way to go.

Enough has already been said from others who are better educated and more in the know than myself. However I can't just stand back without helping to keep the spirit alive. I don't have much to say, there's nothing to say. I just hope that in some way I can help.

For those who may not know Leelah, a young Trans Woman had struggled with Gender Dysphoria from a young age. At 14 she had discovered  the word Transgender and took the brave move to come out to her family. The last Tumblr post she made mentioned certain members of her family had been extremely negative towards her decision to come out and she had even been sent to Conversion Therapy. A spiral of depression, perpetuated by individuals around her led her to a desperate end. On the night of December 28 2014, Leelah committed suicide. Her last Tumblr post acting as the suicide note.

Now this blog will not accuse or insight anger towards an individual or a community. I have never met those personally involved so who am I to criticise publicly. For the record though the fact that we have in this day and age things like conversion therapy treatments is despicable and those in charge should be ashamed. To force people to suicide because 'The bible tells you so' is a wicked act which should not be tolerated in today's society. I suggest everyone who reads this goes and checks out the Change.Org campaign to out law such practices.

Leelah wanted her death to be a statement. She wanted to spark a discussion about the way in which society treats and supports Transgender people. The key word there is society. Despite my vitriolic rant above what we need to do is change our society as a whole instead of focusing on the individuals who seek to ruin. We need to look at the bigger picture and a society which still perpetuates and supports Transphobic behavior. We need to educate whoever we can even in a small way that tolerance is above all else the most important trait we humans possess. To teach that negative terms destroy us all as a culture bit by bit. Leelah's will not die in vain. It's vital that we never forget her. That is the only way we can ensure that even in some way we can make good on her request.

I wasn't sure what I was going to say by this. I didn't want to create some bile filled post which insights anger or pain. We have all as a species suffered enough to last a lifetime. What I wanted to do was to just show we care. As a community we all care. I haven't said all that much here. But saying something is always better than saying nothing.

I didn't want to have the last word however. That honor goes to Leelah. Rest in Power sister !

"The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren't treated the way I was, they're treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say 'that's fucked up' and fix it. Fix society. Please.

Goodbye,

Leelah Alcorn 1997 - 2014

Paint the town Trans

Since starting this blog there have been a number of firsts for me. This was the first time I’d spoken publicly about events during my teenage years. The first time I’ve taken an active interest at Gender equality and this week saw the first public outing of the Transgender me. Now I’m here to tell you the story.

Some of my closest friends have seen Charlotte in person and it was one of these occasions which kicked things off. We were discussing where to take my Trans discovery next, should I keep things low down for a while or should I strike while the iron is hot and let the world know. We had a night out planned and I mentioned briefly that maybe that’s where I should take Charlotte next. We had already planned to visit a big LGBT bar in the local area so to me it made perfect sense.

Initially I was quite worried about the possibility of going out in public. I didn’t want to throw too much attention on myself however the very nature of someone who’s genetically male in female clothing would attract some negative comments. Even an LGBT bar was in my eyes a minefield of abuse and worry. The bar is always home to Stag and Hen parties who come to see the Drag Queen performances and whatnot. I personally believe it’s an excuse to dance to Carly RaeJepson but I digress.

The most comfortable shoes I own !

I’d made the decision to dress down as much as possible. One of my biggest concerns is how I come across to others. Maybe it’s due to the events in my past or maybe it’s because I’m just incredibly vain but I really didn’t want to look out of place or uncomfortable in what I was wearing. As we were also visiting a Metal/Rock club after I was going to opt for my usual T-shirt and Jeans though with some persuasion I’d gone for a dress. I’m usually more of a top and skirt kind of person as I wasn’t convinced I could pull off the dress look. I decided to go for a basic grey and black number because you know I’m really adventurous.

The biggest pain was finding the right pair of shoes for the occasion. Not to fall into the stereotype but if you’re going to be standing up dancing for 7 hours you really do need to think about what you have on your feet, especially since it’s a 15 minute walk from one club to the next. I can walk and generally exist in heels just fine but that long time standing told me I had to think a bit sensibly about what I wore……and then I just went for some heeled shoes anyway. Enough about my clothes for now, you want to hear all the gory details of my actual night out don’t you!

Before catching our taxi we met at a local pub for food and a general natter before the soothing sounds of Slipknot and AC/DC destroyed our years. To me this part was the scariest, out in town I would be nothing more than a face in the crowd. But right there in a relatively quiet pub I could be the target of anyone’s comments. I took a deep breath, had a quick drag of a cigarette to calm my nerves and we went in.

Hotel selfie I guess

I don’t know what’s more amazing. The fact that barely anyone looked or that those who did were nothing but complimentary, those who have known me for a long time still have some difficulty in separating my Male and Female sides. Still opting to call me ‘He’ or my Male name (Which you know I’m SOOOO going to divulge on here). But to these normal pub goers I was nothing more than a Woman; ok a Trans Woman I wasn’t going to convince anyone for long. Even then people still called me by my Female name or used ‘She’ etc. It was honestly amazing. I guess to most being called ‘love’ or ‘darling’ isn’t something to phone home about and could even be perceived as a little sexist but right there in that moment it was exhilarating. I didn’t have to explain myself to people by saying you can call me this or that, it was instinctive. I think I perhaps give people too much stick and I instantly assume every man is going to think it’s weird but I found it to be the total opposite. Whether they said anything behind my back is another story but in that moment I was treated with nothing but respect and dignity.

Now I’m sure you are all excited to find out which restroom I used. Did I brave it and venture into the Chamber of Secrets (You know the Women’s) or do what comes naturally and frequent the pit of misery that is a Gents. Well I opted for the latter. I felt that at this stage I wasn’t prepared to make the big leap just yet, despite confusing a teenager who had come in with his father as I stood by the window doing my makeup. “Are we in the wrong one Dad?” “No, but isn’t life fascinating”.

The whole issue of which to use has sort of become a topic since that night. In the three or so bars we visited I used the Gents and each time I was told that if I wanted I was within my rights to use the Ladies. I obviously have some dignity and I used a cubicle. It’s just amazing to see perceptions are changing. They have changed to such an extend I had a 10 minute conversation with a fellow AC/DC fan while standing by a mirror why I chose the specific brand of Foundation I had.

The LGBT bar we visited was like a dream, people swarming around you to chat to you about various parts of your outfit and speaking ever so kindly about the ensemble I managed to throw together a few days before. After a few drinks (and that aforementioned Carly Rae Jepson dance) we moved onto our favourite Metal bar.

Laddered Tights = Sign of a good night

I felt right at home here. The fist bumps, hugs and support continued. Even more so than in the previous bar, I joined in with a group of lads to sing Tenacious D’s super delightful hit ‘Fuck her Gently’, mostly to annoy the smokers in the club opposite who found the idea of a bar full of people dressed in black rather amusing. I guess that was the only real ‘oppression’ I felt on that night. It came from other places. Only once I faced real negativity and if three drunken lads doing a small laugh at the man in a dress is negativity then I really feel for my fellow Trans Women who experience this sort of shit on a daily basis, and in a lot of cases they receive even worse. 

As we left at 4 in the morning back to our Taxi after dancing to the rather amazing Carry on Wayward son. The bond with my friends strengthened I started to wonder to think about many of my friends who are unfortunately in a position where they could never do what I had done. Those in oppressed locations, those who fear for their lives if they come out, those who fear the stigma and the potential abuse they may get. And to you I say it will get better. Hopefully one day we will be able to be who we are and express ourselves as the amazing, strong and powerful group that we most definitely are. My next goal is to socialise in the day as Charlotte. Let’s hope that experience goes as well as this. 

Me Myself and Charlie : Part Two

I've decided to split this into three sections and this is sort of the dark middle chapter. ‘The Transgender Emperor Strikes Back’ so to speak. This one is going to consist of me opening a lot of old wounds, events I've for reasons you will see below have tried to forget. Up until this point it’s been quite easy to simply think of what’s happened to me between the age of 16 and 20 as kids just being kids. By doing so however I've almost let them get away with doing disgusting acts in the name of an easy life. It’s about time I let this stuff go public in the hopes of stopping others from falling into the same trap.

It all started with a girl.

I’d begun to find some grounding with my Trans self. Could even say I was becoming comfortable with being Charlotte in social circles. Despite knowing that the effects of letting the world know would have massive repercussions on everyone I knew I was not prepared to let that deter me. I wanted people to know that this is who I was and I was proud of it. At first it was telling a few people in confidentiality. Now looking back ten years on I would have told 15 year old Charlotte to stop being so naïve and seriously consider who she was prepared to tell but that’s not something you really think about at that age. And boy did I pick the worst person to tell.

I don’t even know how I ended up telling this person. It wasn't as if I was exactly great friends with her. Perhaps that’s what it was, being so distant may have meant that any perceptions of who I was before hand were limited to some polite nods and hello’s. But I told her anyway. At first it was fine. She asked some questions, I responded and that was about it. Everything appeared normal until my social group changed somewhat and I ended up falling out with this person. And I bet you can guess what’s coming…

Not going to lie, mobile phones are an incredible tool until you are on the receiving end of threats and abuse from someone who you considered to be a friend. Threats of telling not only my friends but the entire school, threats of social media outage and generally just making my existence a bit of a nightmare. And who could I talk to? The other people who knew followed her, too scared to speak out and in some cases even helped perpetuate the cycle of abuse I received for almost 6 months. And even if I could speak out what could I say? I had to find a circle of trust to fight my corner and that’s when I opened up to an old childhood friend. Fortunately this individual has been incredibly supportive and we have remained in close contact to this day.

As I said above this continued for almost half a year, texts and comments were an almost daily occurrence. My attempts however were in vain and despite forging some sort of reconciliation between us she decided to tell some people anyway. To this day I still receive comments from members of my school year asking if I’ve admitted to being a ‘tranny’ (yeah classy guys my school year). I decided the only way to stop this was to essentially wall myself off and live my school life day to day until university. This however only intensified the comments which culminated in my near self destruction some years later.

University had come round and it was time to re invent myself, someone who could be open in a welcoming environment that treated these issues as normal occurrences and not a novelty for underdeveloped Neanderthal minds. I’d begun to use social media outlets as Charlotte and had developed a following for myself among the CD/TV/TG circles. That was until someone caught on to it.

For the record I am trying to keep my language to a minimum however I find it difficult to describe this individual as anything other than a total and utter cock. This individual had for the longest wanted to inflict some sort of damage to me, something that I found out much later on. He used probably one of the most cowardly, despicable and downright pathetic attempts to get at me which ultimately backfired. He convinced several of my friends that I had while on a school trip to the United States wanted to in his words ‘fight them’. Looking back this sounds incredibly pitiable on his part but they took the bait. I still don’t know to this day where this idea came from as this was never the case and I never led him to believe so. The three amigos then plotted their revenge. And it would come in the form of a public social media attack against me. Fake Facebook and IM accounts were made as me. Public comments about my love for ‘pink underwear’ and the like were posting across the web. Finding out what was happening almost destroyed me. Especially since this had been going on for a significant amount of time before I discovered it. I was at my lowest by this point. Having my personal life thrown out where I did not want it was incredibly disturbing to me. Some would argue that it was my own fault for having a social media page for Charlotte however that’s essentially blaming the victim and not the bullies.

Fortunately by this point my circle of trust had extended to some really incredible people who rallied around me with force. The fuckers in question who made the page were promptly forced to take down the page and had to issue an apology however this did not shake the feeling that I had been abused by these people. They took my personal information and used that to get at me and there was nothing I could do. These people were miles away from me and I had to essentially watch it unfold before my eyes. I sat there far away from any close friends & family watching what I felt was my life unravel before me. I wouldn't say there were any suicidal feelings, the thought has never crossed my mind but it really did push me back into the shell and it almost made me despise who I was. I resented Charlotte. Why did I have to endure something that I couldn't control? It felt like an incredible weight on my shoulders and I couldn't take it anymore. I had already lost my first long term girlfriend partly because of this and now it felt like it was doing more harm than good. That’s when I decided to throw away what little of Charlotte I had. I buried her deep down inside of me and I was determined to never let her out again….

Well I hope you all got something from the dark part of this story. On reflection this time of my life may have informed the feisty & fierce take no prisoners Woman Charlotte is but that’s a story for another time. I promise the next episode will be a little lighter though. Every story should have some sort of happy ending. 

Charlie xx