February is kind of important

I'm going to do one of those one year retrospective things now so watch out !

February is kind of important for me. February the 12th to be exact. Because that was the day I decided to stop living in denial and fear of who I was. To get out there and try to be the person that I am today. Without this day there wouldn't be this blog and without it I wouldn't have a new found respect and love for my closest friends. Yeah it's Feb 13th today so I'm a day off writing this post but shhh don't tell anyone.

I remember late 2012 when Laura Jane Grace, the incredible singer of Punk band Against Me! was featured in an article for Rolling Stone. In said article she laid her cards on the table and announced to the world she was Trans. There has always been an LGBT element in punk music, most notably the Queercore offshoot, however for the first time I felt a personal connection with a musician. It was as if Laura was speaking directly to me. I'd been a fan of her band for a number of years but my tastes veered off during University. This article felt like a reunion. Last time you spoke to me I knew you as Tom and now as Laura I feel even more connected. I'd always tried to keep both my Male and Female personas separate especially on social media, but after reading I did something I never have before. I posted the article on my personal Facebook page. This was for me the beginning of this whole journey. 

Things went a little quiet through 2013. Focusing more on my education again I let the words of LJG fade into memory. That was until Jan of 2014 when her band released the absolutely incredible Transgender Dysphoria Blues.

What can I say which hasn't already been said other than this is probably the most important album in my entire life. Even though it's been out for just over a year it's influenced and helped me more so than any other piece of music. The entire album is full of hard hitting songs which all in some way speak to me personally. Much like the article it felt like the band had written an entire album just for me. I don't know how many times the album repeated in my Spotify until I finally bought a copy for myself on February the 12th. I could finally take the album wherever I went and it was then that I realised I'd been running from myself.

I was on a bus coming home from work when my iPod shuffled to in my opinion the best song on the album 'fuckmylife666'. "Edgy" name aside it really did for me encapsulate all the frustrations I'd felt being Trans. The album had a definite ark and this was the point where I was in my own life. I got off the bus and walked for a while. I felt it was time to change things in my life. And that's when I decided to not run any more (Not physically I haven't run in years :P) and face up to who I am. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks Laura. You have helped me tackle my own insecurities and have made me proud to be the person I am. You have mentioned in a number of articles you don't like being called a role model and the like but to me your words are the cornerstone of my new Trans life. Charlotte 2.0 or something if you will. You will probably never read this (Unless I spam your Twitter page which I'm SO GOING TO DO) but thanks for everything. 

One year on so much has changed. I have come out to so many people and I'm beginning to understand more about myself. This blog is just one part of that, by writing my life here I hope to inspire and to make sense of everything. 

On another note I managed to see Against Me! during their November tour of the U.K. I've seen some bands in my time but nobody can rock as hard as you ! Even if you stood on my head at one point.

Who am I ?

I have killer hair though

Is something I've asked myself time and time again. As I get older and as I grow with new experiences I ask. What or Who am I? Do I already know? Does anybody know? Let's have a think.

Those of you who come to this blog know me in different ways. There are those who know me in IRL (In real life). They have their own opinions and biases based on their personal experiences around me and I would assume they read this with my voice. Then there are those who don't know me personally however we have had long and meaningful discussion on the nature of Gender, identity and what kind of top would go with a skirt. Then there are those who know me here in a more impersonal way. They read my posts. Follow the same blogs as me. Read my responses on forum posts. And they know me differently from others. This has got me thinking. Who knows the real me? Do I know the real me?

I thought about this when I was browsing a forum which catered to the 'Crossdresser' crowd. Now to some there is no difference between being Trans and being CD but others would argue there are differences. Despite calling myself Trans I love to experience the whole range of Gender Expressions however. I'm as interested in the 'Drag' culture as I am with those who identify solely as Female. But does this create a conflict of identity in different places, and does that then create assumptions about how far I'm 'willing' to go with my own expression?

I use the word Trans as an all encompassing term for the range of different emotions I feel. If I was to really think about it I would probably fall within the Gender Fluid camp. Gender Fluid (this is going to get complicated now) is someone who can or does identify with both of the traditional Male Female genders. It's true that some days I feel one way and then others I feel the complete opposite. Those feelings can last several hours to several months and the crossover period between both can be both traumatic and stressful. Even though this mental change from one to the other is quite quick that period is difficult. Now I am being horribly general here. I am simplifying a lot of these terms and feelings down into a 1000 word blog but I hope you kind of get the idea of what I go through. I can imagine some would find that having this 'dual gender' to be an issue, especially when you are in that crossover phase but I have found it incredibly liberating. I can be the person I want to be most of the time. I say most because it does come at moments you least expect and it's really not something I choose to switch on and off. And this is why I want to do something about it.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. How can you be both? Well the simple answer is I've never truly believed there is such thing as defined and clear Gender Identities regardless of which side of the fence you fall on. We all share these qualities and maybe mine is just stronger than others.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. Why do you call yourself a Woman when you don't always want to be one? Again the answer is I really don't know why. Even though I don't think there are these clear identities and I've found being fluid quite rewarding, I'm at a point in my life where I want to begin predominantly identifying as one or the other. And that Gender I've chosen (I think) is Female. I did write a long time back in this blog that I had no real intention in the near future to make these big changes there is nothing stopping me from still being physically who I am but still identifying as a Woman. Like actually there is nothing stopping me. Genuinely properly nothing.....at least for the near future. I'm still open to the idea of me making these big changes in my life if that meant me being happy. But remember I need to know it's the right decision before that happens.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. A Woman is this and that and the other. If your still physically Male then how are you Trans? Well this is quite complicated and it's not something we can really discuss in a blog of this nature. I want to write about the complicated field of gender identity but really I'm not even remotely qualified to talk about that stuff just yet. Perhaps someone from my readership can cast some light on it.

So back to that question. Who am I ? Well I am the person who writes this page. Identifies as Female and spends her time as a Woman. Whatever my outward, physical aspects say I want to be called and referred to under these Female terms. At the start of this page I said that you all know me differently, but in some way you all know me the same. You know me as Charlotte. The real me.

Perhaps this stolen quote in this needlessly edited picture of me puts it best.

Charlie xx