Coming Out

So that thing with the flag

Before we start let me just say that this will probably end up rustling a few feathers. I am in no way trying to take away from the historic events of the past week, there is a growing problem that I and many others feel we should address. A lot of this is my own opinion however I will be using the thoughts and feelings of others in the LGBTQ+ space. To avoid backlash I will be keeping their identities a secret and I hope my readers will treat their thoughts with the same respect as you do with mine. I want to also mention that this post is aimed at a (hopefully) small group and in no way an attempt to criticise people as a whole. I will probably use language which sounds as if I'm tarring everyone with the same brush. I am however speaking solely to a portion of the Cis community who have unfortunately annoyed and upset quite a number of those who identify as LGBTQ+. I'm also fully aware of the flags origins and initial intent. If you feel that this article in any way does no represent you then I'm super happy about that. There's good and bad in everything and this is our way of pointing some of that bad. We cool? Let's begin.

This weekend has been quite the roller coaster. What's happened in the United States doesn't need another explanation but we can all agree that this one small step is in the right direction. It's the events post this though that I'm going to talk about.

Being the harbingers of good will and all (Spot the sarcasm) Facebook has taken upon itself to create a super neat "Pride Your Profile Pic" app. It's not called that but I bet some trendy cretin probably mulled that name over in his head for a moment. It's very simple, you click on the little link and it automagically creates a rainbow flag over your profile picture. You are then supposed to post that as your current profile picture to receive lots of lovely likes and comments, oh what a super person you are. Yet why am I seeing such backlash against this definitely positive thing? Oh yeah because a lot of the community (Trans especially) have felt isolated by the move. A move which screams vanity and corporate trend following at the lowest levels. The app has proven to be quite popular among the Cis community. And now I'm going to tell you why we are all kind of sick.

1) The wrong message
By using the flag, you are speaking about the LGBTQ+ group as a whole. However that's not the case. I've yet to see anyone post about the wider issues facing the group and what we can do to take the fight forward. That's partially due to people not having any idea of the issues we all face. I can then assume that they believe that equal marriage was the end goal of the flag and that by using it in such a way only serves to reinforce that view. I've yet to see anyone post about Pride. I've yet to see anyone post about the terrible events in Turkey, where pepper spray and rubber bullets were used against the crowd. It's almost as if you can make this one gesture then walk away. Yet we can't.

2) The company
Has anyone sat down and looked at Facebook's terrible track record with the LGBTQ+ community? Then maybe I need to enlighten some of you on their policy of only accepting "Authentic Names" . For a company with such a spotty track record helping the Trans community using such a symbol only shows that this was a simple drive for traffic. To win the hearts and minds of groups who already feel that Facebook can't do no wrong. I use Facebook on a regular basis. However it's important to know the beast you feed and where possible attempt to change it. This half arsed attempt to pander to a community isn't that change.

3) Vanity
That's it really. I wonder how many of those who posted the flag have any real idea of the struggles that LGBTQ+ people go through on a daily basis. I don't want to claim that this is the case for everyone. I obviously can't speak for the millions who use the service. But if you are Cis, and are using the flag without a real understanding of what it represents then you are kind of doing it for the wrong reasons.

4) It's not for you
A thought that's been expressed by many of us in the LGBTQ+ space. The flag has in some ways been appropriated by the Cis community over the weekend, as a token gesture of support without any true understanding. And we are quite frankly tired of this happening. The flag is a symbol of rebellion through oppression. A call to arms for all those in the community to stand up and be proud. It's not there for vanity. It's not there to be used in one occasion then tossed aside. It's insulting to see so many doing it to simply feel better. It's like the ice bucket challenge without the money and the funny videos of people getting proper cold for a minute. I know how ungrateful this makes me sound, part of me feels like a spoiled brat throwing my toys out of the pram because nobody recognises me. But you have to understand that by using the flag in this way only ends up alienating those who identify with it. Social Media etc has been ablaze with criticism towards the 'app'. It's just unfortunate that we have been pushed back by the Cis community once again. Which brings me on neatly to my last point.

5) Comments
I've been locked in mortal kombat with my Cis friends for the past weekend. Questioning and asking do they really know what they are doing? And while some have been insightful, others have been downright ridiculous. Let me share with you my two favourite.

"You just need to wait for your turn".

Excuse me? I need to wait for my turn to feel safe? I need to wait like a good little girl until the Cis groups find me socially acceptable. Why should we wait for representation. There are various manifestos which suggest that the U.S has well over a 100 legislations that aren't Trans friendly. When is it our turn to have the flags waved in our honour? Or are we still supposed to stand at the back, the fierce and brave Trans masses who are murdered on a weekly basis, clapping our hands yet still waiting for 'our turn'.

"Don't piss on your chips"

I guess this means I should just be grateful that there is some support. As if being a good little ally is worthy of praise. While my brothers and sisters commit suicide because we are still not socially accepted in any form. It's true that some support is better than no support, but is it really support? Only the individuals who have made such a bold claim to get with us can truly answer that. And on the mention of comments. Remember a few weeks back when I opened my heart up about the time I was victimised for my gender identity? The ones who called me Tranny, and wishes for my death? Well they all have rainbow flags as their profile pictures. Let that sink in for a moment.


Just to finish off I'd like to take a moment to remember another loss in the Trans community. It's impossible for me to keep up with all these as it's sadly such a frequent occurrence . However I feel I need to mention the terrible death of Laura Vermont. Beaten to death in What happened to her is disgusting and shows that as a group we need more protection, better laws and more understanding. I have never met you Laura but from one Trans woman to another. I fucking love you !

Charlie

6 Month Update

I couldn't have picked the worst time to have a blog break......

Thanks everyone for the responses to my last vlog on gender discovery. I was honestly shocked with the reception to it. After I made that post I decided it would be quite nice to take a few days off, to recharge my batteries and interact with the community I love so dearly. I took to Twitter and had some fascinating discussions about politics and identity. I've been trawling through the depths of the web meeting people (virtually of course) and just generally making myself a whole lot richer as a person (mentally of course). Since that last post however it's been a series of up and downs, for every amazing experience I've had there's been something terrible along the way. This was also the 6 month anniversary of the blog, so consider this post an anniversary/what has Charlie been doing update.

After I posted that last vlog I kicked back. Opened a can of beer and begun a little Twitter trawl. This was just after the conviction of Michael Johnson. A 23 year old who was convicted of exposing others to HIV. He did not declare his HIV positive status with any of his sexual partners and as a result received a life sentence. Now this is definitely not the place for a discussion on the criminalisation of HIV however it was something I wanted to pose to others. I consider myself a very central person when it comes to these sorts of debates. I want to see both sides of an argument and generally be a middle ground for both sides. I did something similar with my Pillars of Eternity vid from a few weeks back. So I followed it up in another corner of the web to see if maybe, just maybe a dialogue could form. What I did not suspect however was a barrage of insults.

I won't get into the details of what happened past this point. The worst thing anyone can do is to keep that going but I would like to just point out that anyone who has to rely on physical violence or derogatory language to get their point across is simply not worth bothering with. There are many videos and advice pieces online on how to deal with these people but implore you if people act in this manner report and ignore. Never feed. I've found that not having a stance is in someways like having one, and people will always twist the message as a way of feeling like they are the ones being attacked. It's genuinely quite fascinating to watch people bend what you say or to take certain sections of your argument and blow them out of proportion. This couldn't have come at a more perfect of moments as I was dealing with some other fallout on one of my vlogs. So that was a fun weekend.

From something negative to something positive, last week was the 6 month anniversary of my blog. And in the last few months I can't tell you how happy I am with the community of friends I've built since starting this page. The blog is growing rapidly and I am constantly surprised with the reception it has had. Some of you who visit have gone from strangers to acquaintances to close friends. I've become far more confident in myself and a lot more open. I've shared with you some of the most intimate parts of my life and even let you experience the soothing sounds of my voice. I've gone out and done things I would never have imagined and it's all down to you, the weekly reader who visits and shares what I have to say. I find that I want to experience new things and tell you about them. You are all in some way a part of my life now and in some ways this page has changed me for the better. I will continue to for as long as possible keep updating this blog and keep supporting you, the same way that you support me.

Now onto the juicy stuff !

So this weekend I went on my second night out as woman me. Out to the gorgeous city of Bristol for a night of dance, drink and...urm...something else beginning with a D...NO NOT THAT !

It was a night of firsts much like the last. This was the first time that I'd gone to somewhere unfamiliar as a woman. This was new ground for both male and female me so that was a tad scary. However I must praise the amazing people of Bristol for being both open and supportive. Not once was I treated as anything other than a woman. Nobody stopped to stare. Nobody made a comment (At least not to me) and I will definitely say that the city is far more supportive than I thought. That may not be the case for everyone but from my experience Bristol gets two thumbs up for being trans inclusive. 

But wait there's more !

I broke through two huge barriers this weekend. The first was..now wait for it...I finally got over my fear of the female toilets. After months of being scared (And a blog post justifying why I couldn't use them) I said to myself "You know, maybe I should just go and do it". And you know what? It was fine. It was great. It was exactly what I thought it would be like but for some reason had convinced myself otherwise. I was welcomed the same as any other woman who needed to at the end of the day use the loo. I've heard so many horror stories from others and it saddens me that bad things happen to us as a group on a daily basis but, hopefully this can be a little boost for people to do what makes them feel most comfortable. 

My second barrier is family related. Some of you know my situation when it comes to being openly trans. I am sort of but then there are others I like to keep it from right now. Being genderfluid means that I can in some way keep things away from others until I am good and ready but it does make things awfully awkward at times. This weekend however I finally broke through one of my fears and invited my brother along. I told him about my gender identity a while ago but as of this weekend hadn't seen so much as a picture. Instead of warning him and building it up I simply invited him along (Living in the area makes things easier for him) and then I was just there, take it or leave it. And I've never felt so happy in all my life. We didn't make a thing about it, we just had a couple of drinks like any brother and sister should. Oh god sister, that's a weird thing to say out loud. He took to the pronoun changes great though and never once felt the need to ask any awkward questions. We both got probably a bit to intoxicated for our own goods. Had the greatest hug of my life and then went our separate ways for the evening. 

I mentioned no less than a few lines ago that I found Bristol to be very trans inclusive. It isn't however totally free of people you just want to kick in the teeth. This is not a criticism of a city that I love dearly but of a much larger international problem, and that is the attention you may receive from the opposite gender. Namely the inability for guys to take no for an answer.

Let me explain.

I was approached by the same person on a number of different occasions while I danced, while I was at the bar and while outside. He was the typical sort. Loud, drunk and smelling of lager with a hint of Lynx Africa. The perfect gentlemen. Now I was perfectly polite the first 1000 times he approached me. But after being physically touched by this person I did loose it a little with him. It wasn't anywhere private, just my side. However it was still a thing I didn't want happening so you know I feel I was within my right to berate him a little. In the cold light of day the next morning, sipping a large coffee on the seated area outside a Wetherspoons (classy) I got to thinking. I thought about the times I've been out with other females and have had to put up with this sort of situation. I've been annoyed but now I can empathise in some way with what people have to put up with. It also got me thinking about myself physically.

To have someone be that determined, especially in a room full of other Women must have meant only a few things. Either he was just trying it with everyone, doing it for a laugh, or he genuinely found some aspect of me attractive. Ignoring the first and second option for now (Because I'm vain) leaves us with the third. Did he really find me in some way attractive? Was there something I did or was doing physically that made me so devilishly irresistible. What was that and why do I want to know so much?  Well it's because it made me feel more out of touch with my body than ever before. He may have genuinely thought I was physically female which yeah you still shouldn't be acting that way, but what if he found the notion of someone having quote unquote 'male stuff' going on underneath. "I can get on that but it's not gay because he likes to be a woman". He didn't say that, I'm just assuming because I'm horrible. But what I'm trying to get at is I could have been 'picked' by this person because of that one feature and it has really put me out of sorts. I guess we will never find out, he stopped at some point after I went and hid behind one of my friends. He was just not up for a fight with one of my besties for my hand it appears.

And there we go. We are all caught up on the events over the last fortnight. It's been quite eventful I must admit. I'll be back in a few days with even more tales of excitement but until then I'd just like to thank all of you for visiting my page and being super amazing people.

I love you all !

Charlotte 

Vlog: Transgender Discovery

My contribution to IDAHOT 2015.

I talk about the time in my life that I realised I was Trans.

If you have any questions of would like some advice leave a comment below or follow me on Twitter @Charlottewbuzz

Mad Max Fury Road : My Thoughts

My opinion and sort of spoiler free etc.

This wasn't originally part of the plan for this page. I was going to focus purely on Trans issues here, however I felt the need to discuss a movie that myself and others have been anticipating for a number of years. The fourth entry into the Mad Max world. So buckle up, load your double barrel and let's get mad !



For those of you not in the know Mad Max is a series of dystopian/post apocalyptic movies from the mind of director extraordinaire George Miller. The first three have rightfully earned their place as some of the greatest cult movies of all time with the second movie, Road Warrior often cited as the best. Now I would hesitate to say that the fourth movie was as good as Max 2 but I can honestly say it's a close second.

In this bizarre world our hero Max Rockatansky, played here by Tom Hardy has been imprisoned by the War Boys who serve under their ruler King Immortan Joe. Max is used as a blood donor for a sick member of Joe's army and this theme runs throughout the movie. If you have it, Joe will take it from you. From blood to milk if it's of any value it becomes his 'property'. We are given little time to acclimatise to the world as one of Joe's high ranking officers Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron) leads a daring coup against the leader. She smuggles Joe's most prized 'possession' out from under his nose. His Women. This takes the series to some unexpected places. Max takes a backseat in a lot of occasions to Furiosa and the other female characters. This does not however make this any less of a Mad Max movie because when the action ramps up he is right in the thick of it.

It's those action sequences that have been given particular care and attention. The movie could be argued is one long chase sequence with some small downtime in between the set pieces to add depth and gain a breath before the next. The use of sound, from the roaring engines spewing fuel into the wild landscape, to the incredible soundtrack is perfection itself. It's an onslaught on the ears in the best way possible. Millers direction is second to none, delivering some edge of the seat action sequences. The film starts on a 10 and by the end is firing on all cylinders however it never outstays it's welcome. George understands completely when to cease the action and let the characters speak and although the dialogue is rather sparse it is by no means throwaway. There is a belief among some that more dialogue = the deeper story but movies such as this prove that you can say just as much with the flick of a wrist as you can with a monologue. Behind the seemingly one note plot there's some topics to be explored. Both leads have dark pasts which haunt them and this permutes throughout the story. Redemption and survival ring out from start to finish in a film that on the outset looks like nothing more than a summer action movie. Miller never takes his audience for granted and if you are willing to dig just below the films surface there's a satisfying tale to be found.

Performances all round were spot on. Hardy had an uphill battle following in the footsteps of Mel Gibson's version but I'm delighted to report that both can stand side by side. Hardy never attempts to outshine the more cocksure Max of the past, instead delivering a more subdued performance which often looks awkward but never out of place. I found myself listening a lot more to what Max had to, or in a lot of cases didn't have to say. His movements and speech is definitely not for all but I found it him a joy to watch. Removing the heroic features of Max gave him a depth and realism that I did not expect and I'm glad it was there. Charlize however steals the show for me. This was a great pairing between both and definitely an inspired choice by Miller.

Mad Max is a gut punch for a genre that some may argue has become stagnant. In a world where ageing action heroes are carted out one last time to fight some undisclosed Eastern European country (I'm looking at you Expendables) here is a movie that manages to pull the same punches but still have time to deliver a grounded and ultimately human story. The plot doesn't fall over itself in a vain attempt to be clever, it instead uses a subtle mix of drama and balls to the wall action and delivers on every note. George has managed to pull off the impossible. He has gloriously brought back this 30+ year old franchise and never misses a beat. It's a brutal, non stop action ride which shows everyone else how it's done. The world most definitely, belongs to the mad !

Vlog : Bullying, Bandits and Bad Times

Triggers: Suicide, Self Harm, Bullying. This is a really difficult on this week, I talk about some really heavy stuff and hopefully do it justice. Let me know in the comments your thoughts etc etc etc

Selfierapy

Last week I mentioned briefly about some of the tactics I employ to cope with my struggles with gender identity. I spoke about using photography as a form of expression and some of the misconceptions surrounding why I use it. That discussion is in the past, what I do want to talk about however is how I started taking pictures, why I use photography as expression and how it has benefited me in the long run.

I've been a photographer for a number of years. Although I have mostly worked within moving image, particularly short films. I've found that I have a natural eye for taking pictures. As a result I've had a number of my photographs used in print from newspapers to magazines. I enjoy nothing more than getting up early with a camera, taking a lazy walk up to the hills surrounding my home and snapping away at what I find. It's a part of my life however I want to keep away from the blog for now. This has always been Charlie's place and anything that crosses the boundary between her and male me I prefer to not expose. What I am willing to expose though is my love for self photography.

Much like any introspective art form, self photography can be an amazing way to express your true feelings. The more of yourself you put into any project, the more alive it feels and you can't get much more yourself than physically being in the piece. I first started toying with the idea when I purchased a new DSLR a few years back. Having a rotating screen and wireless shutter control mean that I could control what happens in the image and with that I found that I really enjoyed creating pieces of myself.

It may sound incredibly vain but...well yeah it actually is. But vanity is not something in my opinion you should be ashamed of. My priorities are in the right place, my work means that usually I am the last person I think about on a day to day basis therefore taking the time out for me is incredibly relaxing. There is nothing wrong with being proud of who you are and this is just one way that I express that, and more importantly it's going to mean something in the long run.

I don't know one day to the next what will happen. Gender identity makes it so that I live more often than not in the now. I am spurred on in a lot of cases by impulse and that worries me. Will I still be me 5,10,20 years down the line? If I decide later on that I want to live full time female then there's a huge chunk of my life that's missing. I have already in my mind missed out on nearly 30 years of knowing who I really am and in some ways photography is helping that. It helps me track my progress, it's a reminder that however many years down the line Charlotte (I'm going to speak in third person a moment) was here, she is still here, she will always be a part of me and a few snaps taken now will be priceless in the future. I have no pictures of Charlotte with friends for example. 20+ years of her existence has been one of solitude and only now since being more open has she really found honest and true friends. Photography is a way for me to be normal. Some people write songs, create works of art or work selflessly for others, but for me having a physical snapshot of my life going forward is one of the ways that I feel me. In some ways it's a form of therapy.

This wasn't going to be a particularly long piece. I've got another bigger blog coming hopefully at the end of the week. I've sprinkled a few pics throughout the blog. Just to clarify these images have in some way been toyed with in Photoshop. That in no way means the intention of the images have been altered it's mostly some colour grading and brightness changes. If you want some really scary pictures of me all normal and meh then head over to my Twitter @Charlottewbuzz