2015 Review : Jan - May

I took this pic at the start of the new year.

Here we are then, another year over with ! I was going to write a big piece on what I've done in the last year but since writing this blog most of what I've done is here already. So instead what I've decided to do is trawl through my posts and pick one from each month that has best represented that point in my life. Sit back and reminisce at the last 12 months with me.

Warning before we start. In the last year my opinions have changed as I've spent more time talking to trans folk and educating myself. None of us are 100% right so although I don't regret anything I've posted here some of my thoughts may have changed. With that in mind let's begin


JANUARY
At the start of 2015 I made the decision to explore who I was in more detail. Starting with a discussion on my gender and where I fit in. But the post that I remember most from is this....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/01/a-whole-lotta-woman.html

A year on I still have no idea what they meant by 'being more fem', nor do I get why that's important. Looking back I can see how I began to criticise how people perceive the community.

FEBRUARY
February was special as it was a whole year since I listened to the incredible Against Me! album Transgender Dysphoria Blues for the first time. That album really spoke to me and made me think about my own identity. However a year on I still had problems trying to work out who I was....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/leading-double-life.html

P.S If you haven't looked at my friends book blog then do so. She is such an amazing person and I can't imagine where I'd be without her.

Sorry Leah :P

MARCH
March was really big when it came to the growth of my blog. I'd been toying with the idea for a while of starting my own vlog & in this month I took the plunge. Vlogging is kind of the center of everything I do now and I've seen my page grow tenfold since then. For me however March was all about this....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/termsandconditionsapply.html

This came on the back of abuse my friend had for using the term woman without 'trans' prefacing that. While I could have worded myself a little better (I had the writing ability of a 5 year old) I still agree that people have the right to call themselves what makes them most comfortable.

APRIL
Oh April ! Where I took another dig at the term 'passing' and started using Twitter to make friends with more trans folk. Instead of something more serious though for April, the thing I remember most was my Q&A.....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/transpotting-q-session.html

I'd love to do one of these again in the new year. Perhaps focused on a specific topic or another general AMA. April was also the month where I ditched the hair and went for something a little different.

MAY
The month I reviewed the excellent Mad Max : Fury Road, justified why I take so many pictures and where I opened up in two very special vlogs. The one was for International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia, the one I want to post here though was something real serious....

http://www.transpottingtalk.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/vlog-bullying-bandits-and-bad-times.html

This one was really hard for me to put out there. On the one hand I didn't want to land people in crap for stuff that may have happened a long time ago, then again why should people get away with being terrible individuals. In hindsight I'm glad I posted this piece as it has helped me in some ways forgive those people for their actions. Don't get me wrong I'll never speak to them again, but I don't hate them anymore which is I guess a small victory.

So that's January to May of 2015. Check back in a few days for June to October !

End of May Selfie

Transition Transmission

You get it? It's because I'm stepping up a gear HAHAHA ! Today I chat about transitioning and a little bit about South Wales

Coming Out Pt 2

Off the cuff discussion about some of my experiences being closeted.

Happy Birthday Transpotting!

Well, here we are then. An entire year of this stuff. 52 weeks of constant unfiltered emotions, a roller coaster of feelings laid bare onto the screen for you to read.

What I'm trying to say is happy birthday Transpotting !

And what a year it has been. Last year I expected to write short posts here and there with a tiny readership but it's become much more than that. It's been a lifeline to the outside world and a chance for me to push myself further. I wouldn't have thought even at this time last year I would have started presenting as female in public, the idea was so far off in my mind but writing here has given me the confidence to be myself. I've attempted to be far more active in the trans circles too, since starting this page I've come into contact with some absolutely amazing individuals who help me day in day out. This page started as a way for me to vent my feelings, for a long time I thought I was the only person who identified this way but I now know that I'm not alone. And I hope in some way this blog has made others feel the same. It's become more than just a personal diary of sorts. A few years back I was totally unaware of this vast and exciting group of trans men and women kicking all sorts of butt online. More than anything though I've done something I never expected I would do. I started a vlog. I've put not only my face out there but now you can hear me, you can listen to my rather weird accent go on about feelings and stuff.

It's not all been sunshine and rainbows though. Being public with these sorts of details does open you up to a decent amount of abuse from a minority of small minded individuals. I've faced enough vile talk to last me a life time, this isn't about them though. This is our day !

I want to thank you all for the kind words of support this year. When when things get to me as they often do the odd comment here cheers me up greatly. Or when someone sends me a personal message saying how my words helped them through a difficult situation well, that makes it all worth it. I wish I could thank all of you individually, I wish I could throw a huge party and bring all of my visitors over for cake and cider, although I'd need a lot of cider :P

So. Grab the closest drink to hand and join me in a toast. Happy one year Transpotting. Here's  to many more :D

Charlotte xxx

Grab your hair you've pulled

[TW - Transphobia, assault]

Despite feeling like I've aged about 30 years recently (thanks work) I still love going out on the weekend, I'm not a huge 'clubbing' person although I have found a few relatively inclusive bars and clubs that have kept me kind of safe since I started publicly presenting as female.

That kind of changed this weekend.

What happened may not sound on the outset like a particularly scary or new thing. Most of the people I've spoken to have experienced the same and in most cases far worse than what I've had. I don't want this to sound like a woe is me section when there are events that happen almost daily to trans people which eclipse this, after giving it some thought however I feel it's important to get this story out there. Even the smallest of incidents can have a profound effect on the rest of your life.

Anyway as you know this Saturday was Halloween, now this is probably my favourite annual event/day. Some people love Christmas, others love birthdays. But for me there's nothing better than the terrible commercialisation of modern Halloween. It's the worst, the tacky costumes, the awful films that end up on the TV. The insistence of every drinking establishment play both Ghostbusters and The Time Warp. It's terrible but I love it.

What was I saying? Oh yeah....

I try and make it a tradition to dress up as something for Halloween, but since I started presenting in public last November I've not had a chance to celebrate my favourite time of the year as me. I wanted to for now just go out as normal ass me. No costumes, not covered in fake blood and stuff. Just boring old regular Charlotte, so that's what I did.

Where I live has shall we say, a lively club scene. It's rarely empty on the weekends and nights like these are more manic than ever, I should have maybe thought about that a little more when thinking about where to go. I'm not a bar hopper sort of person. I pick a few, safe places and visit those (Usually free ones because I don't want to spend money to stand in a building with others :P). One of these places is supposedly an LGBT friendly bar. This bar does have some trans people on it's payroll last time I checked and it holds regular drag performances (For the record I'm not equating drag acts with trans people, simply stating that this particular bar has this sort of stuff going on). I honestly thought that, somewhere like this could at least make me feel welcome and safe. I should have known though that these places are far from trans inclusive when it comes to it's clientele.

Now, like everyone one else here. Sometimes I need to use the loo. It's just something that we all have to deal with, and being trans does pose it's own set of issues. This isn't the time or place to go into those because this isn't a WHERE DO I PEE blog. I know where I feel safest and that is in the womens (contrary to a blog a year ago where I felt like I wasn't ready to make that leap). Being genderfluid holds it's own set of issues though, since I present as two genders it can often feel like I'm doing something wrong by using a loo that fits the current gender that I am. I haven't started down the transition path yet, I'm still in the eyes of some people a guy who presents in the opposite gender. I try and put that to the back of my mind when out and if the occasion arises where I have to use the loo, I get in and out. No fuss, no bother. This time however it wasn't so easy. Being full of hen parties means that using the loo is like a fight for survival. If the hunger games was about a group of people fighting to use the one remaining toilet in a tacky nightclub then I think I'd be more interested. Well anyway polite as I am I let people go before blah blah blah, then it's my turn. Lock the door. DO MY THING. Instead of feeling safe however all I received was a load of abuse from outside. I'm not going to detail exactly what was being said but just know that it was horrible. Fortunately a group came to my defense and told them where to stick it. Shaken up I sat there for quite some time considering what my next move was going to be. I decided to try and shrug it off and just go back to enjoying myself, I was going to have a great time no matter what.

Well.....

Growing a bit weary of the bar I wanted to move on to somewhere else. It was getting on and I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Before going however I had to try and round up my friends who have this habit of doing their own thing on nights out, I have no problem with that obviously, what happened while I was rounding them up was the problem.

While moving my way across the dance floor I was, well there's no real way of putting this nicely. I was grabbed by a guy. He must have been like a million feet tall, either that or what he did made me feel like the smallest person in the world. He put his one arm in front of me stopping me from passing and pulled at my hair with his other. Regular readers will know that my gorgeous bangs aren't the work of my own but from a shop. Because of the work I'm in and also the need to present as two genders I keep my real hair short and then change between different hair styles as female. It works for me right now and it means I can change my look often. Well anyway as you can imagine having hair not attached to your actual cranium doesn't hurt when pulled but it does remove it. In the middle of a dance floor, in front of what felt like millions of people. I had my hair pulled off. Why? Well in this persons words.

"Mate, I wanted to check and see if you were a man or a chick"

And in that one moment, years of building and growth were instantly shattered. I felt weak, I felt like I was attacked for wanting to look a way I feel best represents me. I felt like I was something else.

I felt like a man.

And this has really hit me you know? I mean, it's not the worst thing that has happened to me. I've faced abuse before and have tackled it one way or the other. This time however I felt powerless, this person took every ounce of safety and power from me without a single fuck for my feelings. This person clearly felt that it was important to discover what my actual gender was through physical interaction. Perhaps they were confused, perhaps they kind of fancied me. Who knows ? What I do know is it's really shaken me to my core.

My confidence was shattered to such an extent I hid in the gents toilets and broke down I'd decided in that moment that this entire thing, being openly trans was not worth it. I was legitimately thinking to myself I should just quit while I had the chance. Since being more open I've felt sometimes like things have gotten away from me a little. I really do need to feel in control of my own life and sometimes, if for example I bump into someone I know who wasn't aware that can cause problems, and the need to watch my every move just in case something bad may happen. All these things snowballed together into one massive lump of fear within me, and I just couldn't face it.

So there I was, few hours later. I'd not even attempted to get involved with the rest of my night out. I decided instead to sit by myself for a while outside in the little smoking area in the next bar we were at, thinking about what I was going to do next when my friends came out. Stood alongside me and chatted. I told them that I was feeling like giving things up, I could handle hurting myself if that meant nobody else could. Then my friend said something which made me think. It wasn't anything profound, just a few short words.

"You need to be you".

And you know what? He is right. Why should I hurt myself because of others? Why should I fear what people might think and do when the other alternative is to suppress my own feelings. I am me, I am Charlotte. And no meat head arse hole who gives comment or touches my person is going to change that. He can think I'm a man all he wants. But in doing so shows how little a man they really are

This is me, and nobody should get in the way of that.

An open letter to my man

Dude, we need to talk.

This past year has been such a difficult journey for me. Like, I know you know how I feel.But, and this may sound weird. I don't think either of us fully grasps the other. I've wanted to speak to you for quite some time. I'm having to be a different person when all I can focus on is the pain that it's causing. I can't control these emotions any more than you can. But we need to come to some sort of arrangement.

I saw you a few weeks ago, staring back at me. The beard, the clothes. That wasn't me, we needed to change something. So we did. We removed the shackles of having to be a guy and we became me. And it was great, I was happy for a little while. It all came to an end though when you came back, to come stare at me again. "Why are you wearing a skirt? Why do you have makeup on? This isn't you is it?"

It's hurtful, those comments can cause serious pain. And the worst part about all of this is those comments came from me. I said those things to myself. We stood there and categorically decided in that one moment that I was being foolish for expressing my identity.

This isn't the first time that it's happened, I've been equally as vindictive and spiteful against you. Sometimes I really hate how you are. Like why are we inhabiting this same space? You are there saying all these things and pretending to be this person when we both know that in the moment that isn't us. But sometimes it is, very briefly I see us and think. Fuck, if we could just focus on being how we are right now maybe things might not be so bad. And for a moment I fool myself into thinking that if you win then we will be ok. We both know however that things don't work that way. These two genders occupy the same space, and both have a legitimate right to be expressed.

We need to stick up for ourselves more. When you hear those comments from people who think you are all that there is about us. When they dissect and make comment about the trans community, yet we remain silent. Scared that this could lead to an outburst, it has happened before. We almost lost someone we care for so dearly because of this. And I still sit there and get choked up over it. We lock away those emotions and it never goes well, after so long the pressure cooker explodes and it always leads to blow back on us. If only people could understand that the exterior you give off isn't always you, and being able to safely express yourself would lead to more positive outcomes.

I'm calmer when I know that whenever the feelings change, we can transition from either identity. In the long run there isn't two people here. We are the same person, but it's obvious that sometimes it feels that way. That needs to stop, I need to stop doing it. We both need to stop doing it.

So, what am I actually saying? Perhaps it's time we tried to work together. It has always felt like it's me against you. You are an ass and I can be a bit of a bitch to you. Let's just not from now on is it?

Let's leave the closet in the next year.

Genderfluid Month Vlog

Oh look it's me again. Talking about stuff.

Genderfluidity Month Intro

So, urm...HEY EVERYONE

Today is the first day of October, so you know what that means? I'm dedicating an entire month to something that is really important to my gender identity journey, by talking about the identity that I feel best describes me.

Why am I doing this then you all ask ? Well I talk quite a lot on this page about my experiences being female and how those experiences relate to her. As in me. As in..well yeah see that's the thing. G.F is such a complicated and fuzzy thing that I wanted to let you all in on how that feels. Some of the frustrations and how I cope with having essentially two genders.

What will I be talking about then? I've got a few little topics planned,next week I will be doing another vlog on how being genderfluid has been both a positive and negative experience. I will talk about labels soon and how I feel those can be a double edged sword. I want to (if I can) get someone on here to guest write, and maybe (if your lucky) you will get to hear more from the side of my gender identity that never really appears here all that often.

I'll be trying some new things that I haven't done before with my writing. So hopefully it will be at least interesting and informative. As for my Twitter I will try and post as many links and resources about this subject throughout the month. So if you don't already follow me there should be a link somewhere on this page. Maybe I'll even make a little #genderfluidmonth hashtag just so you can find whatever I post.

Check back in a few days (When I'm not working my socks off) to see what I have planned

Charlie xxx

Representation

If you follow me on Twitter you may remember a few months back I was interested in talking a little more about the representation of trans people in the media. In both fiction and factual programming, in television & film and even down to news I was interested to look at how we are portrayed in these formats. Well I've tried my best to put a good face on things but really I'm not feeling totally positive. Don't get me wrong there are some programs out there that aren't bad, but time and time again I see the same issues crop up. So with that in mind I'm going to write a few pointers on how we can perhaps make things a little better.

1) Language

Look, we get it. Some people find the idea of someone 'switching genders' fascinating. Call it voyeurism or fascination it don't matter, but this trend of using what I consider harmful permeates throughout. Do me a favour, read an article on a trans person or watch a factual program and see how long before one of these two lines appear.

A) She was born a boy and is now living as a woman

or

B) (Insert dead name here) now called (Insert actual name here)

Because from my recent experiences its far more common than I initially imagined. Sometimes if you're lucky you will get a double whammy and find them both within the same article. Can we like, I don't know maybe stop doing this now? 'Switching Genders' doesn't work like this. For most of us we have had to live in the gender we were not comfortable with for years. We haven't 'switched', we have aligned. Perhaps we can come up with a better term for it. For example just not ever explaining it again. Nobody needs this type of explanation. And as for the name thing, yeah please can we stop doing the dead naming thing. It doesn't benefit anyone, the trans person or the reader. It makes it sound so temporary or frivolous. We already face persecution under the false belief that we do all this for aesthetic or selfish reasons. Dead naming, even in this context is not helpful.

2) The Picture Parade

You have all seen this one at some point I'm sure. It usually happens quite early on in a program. This is where the creator makes a generation game style carousel of childhood images. This one is more of a creative complain than a perception one. This, alongside sequences of trying on makeup and glamming up feel incredibly outdated and says nothing. We should all by now be used to this sort of imagery and it's about time we put it to bed.

3) Facts Facts Facts !

I love a good story about people being people. We have this tool at our disposal that, when used correctly can really tell a person's story. But all too often we miss out on some of the important facts when it comes to transitioning and trans issues in general. As you should all be aware by now I'm not currently going through any of the million hoops you have to get through to transition. And that's mostly because the whole process seems so dense and confusing I have no idea where to begin. This is where film and TV can come in. I and many others I'm sure would love to see a focus placed on the process of going from where I am now to transitioning. Who do we speak to? Where do we start? What are the options? It's a scary and confusing road which I believe can put many people off, myself included. That doesn't mean it's stopping people from starting the process, but to seek the right advice early on and perhaps not prolong things further than they need. There's also far too little information on what medication does and does not do. We hear all the time from those who are not versed in this stuff say "When are you having the Op?" and similar things. That's only because the information is still for many not as accessible to either access or to parse. Now I'm not saying we turn people's lives into a clinical medical thing, turning what is a rich and deep subject into nothing more than 'You can do this, this and this' however I feel there could be a balance. I'm sure there are programs which do offer some of this information but I'm still looking for one which feels truly beneficial.

There's a few things I feel could be handled a little better within the industry that I love so much. This is by no means a comprehensive list, nor is it particularly academic. If you want to look even further into this subject, perhaps at a deeper level then I highly recommend you try Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. She wrote an entire section on this sort of subject which is well worth reading.

It's homework time now folks. What do you think companies/production groups need to do in order to further improve our perception within film, TV & the press? Is it time we have a full overhaul of how we are represented? Or are we getting there a bit at a time? Let's share some information and cite some examples maybe. I'm also aware that knocking something down isn't beneficial if I don't try to build things back up. So I'll create a follow up shortly citing my own examples and perhaps offering some more constructive feedback. 

Charlie xx

Genderfluid month - October 2015

Hey y'all !

So I'm kind of back a little bit. Call this a soft relaunch or something if you want, and apologies for the quick blog here I'm kind of in a rush (I should be in work about now)

So I've been thinking about focusing on an aspect of my gender identity though the month of October. Something that I feel isn't really talked about all that much and does come with it's own set of issues, and that is genderfluidity (is that even a word?)

As most of you know that's how I identify right now and although that might change in future I feel it best fits my situation. But time and time again I've had questions from those who are confused by what it is, if it's even real and why can't I just stop being greedy and pick one?. So that's what I want to do next month. I want to tell people about my experiences, dispel some myths and maybe have some other people on to guest blog.

But I can't do it alone. You see I have some ideas but I'd love to hear from you, my fantastic audience. What would you like to hear about? Are there any specific topics you want me to cover or do you just want a month of me rambling on about stuff?

I'm making this a post a call for topics and questions. If you have any specific things you want me to cover then write them down in the comments, tweet me @CharlotteWTalk or email me at charlotterosewilliams1989@gmail.com

Over on my Twitter I'll be posting articles from other outlets on the subject too so remember to follow me there to get all the super awesome information I'll be posting.

So what are you waiting for? Get writing !

Ground control to Major Tom

I'm sure some of you (by that I mean none of you) have begun wondering why I've not posted in just over a month. Since my last blog I've been super quiet here and despite having some of my most viewed posts since the blog started I've failed to keep up the momentum. So why is that ? Well I'll explain below.

First of all I've wanted to take a little break and recharge my writing batteries again. In the first 6 months I really did go through most of the topics I wanted to talk about and since joining Twitter I've found a whole new host of things to talk about. Up until April most of my posts were personal, I commented on my own experiences however since finding a bigger audience I've started speaking about the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. With that exposure does come some criticism which definitely does put a damper on things but more than that I want to feel like I can answer any detractors in an educated way, hence why I've been taking time away to learn as much as I can. I have some content ready to go on the recent Stonewall movie controversy but I want to make 100% sure it's ready to go before I post it.

Secondly I've been having some really awful times with my identity this summer. That's despite being more open and exposed than ever. You see although I call myself trans for ease of discussion I am in actual fact more gender fluid. Be that for work purposes or whatever my identity is not fixed and I do find myself going back and forth between two people. That's a really simplistic way of putting it but maybe it's something I can expand on in the future. I don't control when this happens and as a result it has an impact on my blog and me personally. When I'm in this mid point I tend to be far more aggressive and frustrated which leads me to do silly things like delete a whole bunch of people from my Facebook because 'lol it's funny'. This also means that I find less topics to write about and have less enthusiasm for what I do. 

Will I come back soon? Most definitely ! I have some interesting things I want to talk about very soon, for now though I just need this time to myself. 

I hope to be back in the next few weeks with a few topics on genderfluidity, what it's like and perhaps get the perspective of other genderfluid people. So until then I love you all and I'll speak to you soon.

Charlie xx

Coming Out

So that thing with the flag

Before we start let me just say that this will probably end up rustling a few feathers. I am in no way trying to take away from the historic events of the past week, there is a growing problem that I and many others feel we should address. A lot of this is my own opinion however I will be using the thoughts and feelings of others in the LGBTQ+ space. To avoid backlash I will be keeping their identities a secret and I hope my readers will treat their thoughts with the same respect as you do with mine. I want to also mention that this post is aimed at a (hopefully) small group and in no way an attempt to criticise people as a whole. I will probably use language which sounds as if I'm tarring everyone with the same brush. I am however speaking solely to a portion of the Cis community who have unfortunately annoyed and upset quite a number of those who identify as LGBTQ+. I'm also fully aware of the flags origins and initial intent. If you feel that this article in any way does no represent you then I'm super happy about that. There's good and bad in everything and this is our way of pointing some of that bad. We cool? Let's begin.

This weekend has been quite the roller coaster. What's happened in the United States doesn't need another explanation but we can all agree that this one small step is in the right direction. It's the events post this though that I'm going to talk about.

Being the harbingers of good will and all (Spot the sarcasm) Facebook has taken upon itself to create a super neat "Pride Your Profile Pic" app. It's not called that but I bet some trendy cretin probably mulled that name over in his head for a moment. It's very simple, you click on the little link and it automagically creates a rainbow flag over your profile picture. You are then supposed to post that as your current profile picture to receive lots of lovely likes and comments, oh what a super person you are. Yet why am I seeing such backlash against this definitely positive thing? Oh yeah because a lot of the community (Trans especially) have felt isolated by the move. A move which screams vanity and corporate trend following at the lowest levels. The app has proven to be quite popular among the Cis community. And now I'm going to tell you why we are all kind of sick.

1) The wrong message
By using the flag, you are speaking about the LGBTQ+ group as a whole. However that's not the case. I've yet to see anyone post about the wider issues facing the group and what we can do to take the fight forward. That's partially due to people not having any idea of the issues we all face. I can then assume that they believe that equal marriage was the end goal of the flag and that by using it in such a way only serves to reinforce that view. I've yet to see anyone post about Pride. I've yet to see anyone post about the terrible events in Turkey, where pepper spray and rubber bullets were used against the crowd. It's almost as if you can make this one gesture then walk away. Yet we can't.

2) The company
Has anyone sat down and looked at Facebook's terrible track record with the LGBTQ+ community? Then maybe I need to enlighten some of you on their policy of only accepting "Authentic Names" . For a company with such a spotty track record helping the Trans community using such a symbol only shows that this was a simple drive for traffic. To win the hearts and minds of groups who already feel that Facebook can't do no wrong. I use Facebook on a regular basis. However it's important to know the beast you feed and where possible attempt to change it. This half arsed attempt to pander to a community isn't that change.

3) Vanity
That's it really. I wonder how many of those who posted the flag have any real idea of the struggles that LGBTQ+ people go through on a daily basis. I don't want to claim that this is the case for everyone. I obviously can't speak for the millions who use the service. But if you are Cis, and are using the flag without a real understanding of what it represents then you are kind of doing it for the wrong reasons.

4) It's not for you
A thought that's been expressed by many of us in the LGBTQ+ space. The flag has in some ways been appropriated by the Cis community over the weekend, as a token gesture of support without any true understanding. And we are quite frankly tired of this happening. The flag is a symbol of rebellion through oppression. A call to arms for all those in the community to stand up and be proud. It's not there for vanity. It's not there to be used in one occasion then tossed aside. It's insulting to see so many doing it to simply feel better. It's like the ice bucket challenge without the money and the funny videos of people getting proper cold for a minute. I know how ungrateful this makes me sound, part of me feels like a spoiled brat throwing my toys out of the pram because nobody recognises me. But you have to understand that by using the flag in this way only ends up alienating those who identify with it. Social Media etc has been ablaze with criticism towards the 'app'. It's just unfortunate that we have been pushed back by the Cis community once again. Which brings me on neatly to my last point.

5) Comments
I've been locked in mortal kombat with my Cis friends for the past weekend. Questioning and asking do they really know what they are doing? And while some have been insightful, others have been downright ridiculous. Let me share with you my two favourite.

"You just need to wait for your turn".

Excuse me? I need to wait for my turn to feel safe? I need to wait like a good little girl until the Cis groups find me socially acceptable. Why should we wait for representation. There are various manifestos which suggest that the U.S has well over a 100 legislations that aren't Trans friendly. When is it our turn to have the flags waved in our honour? Or are we still supposed to stand at the back, the fierce and brave Trans masses who are murdered on a weekly basis, clapping our hands yet still waiting for 'our turn'.

"Don't piss on your chips"

I guess this means I should just be grateful that there is some support. As if being a good little ally is worthy of praise. While my brothers and sisters commit suicide because we are still not socially accepted in any form. It's true that some support is better than no support, but is it really support? Only the individuals who have made such a bold claim to get with us can truly answer that. And on the mention of comments. Remember a few weeks back when I opened my heart up about the time I was victimised for my gender identity? The ones who called me Tranny, and wishes for my death? Well they all have rainbow flags as their profile pictures. Let that sink in for a moment.


Just to finish off I'd like to take a moment to remember another loss in the Trans community. It's impossible for me to keep up with all these as it's sadly such a frequent occurrence . However I feel I need to mention the terrible death of Laura Vermont. Beaten to death in What happened to her is disgusting and shows that as a group we need more protection, better laws and more understanding. I have never met you Laura but from one Trans woman to another. I fucking love you !

Charlie

6 Month Update

I couldn't have picked the worst time to have a blog break......

Thanks everyone for the responses to my last vlog on gender discovery. I was honestly shocked with the reception to it. After I made that post I decided it would be quite nice to take a few days off, to recharge my batteries and interact with the community I love so dearly. I took to Twitter and had some fascinating discussions about politics and identity. I've been trawling through the depths of the web meeting people (virtually of course) and just generally making myself a whole lot richer as a person (mentally of course). Since that last post however it's been a series of up and downs, for every amazing experience I've had there's been something terrible along the way. This was also the 6 month anniversary of the blog, so consider this post an anniversary/what has Charlie been doing update.

After I posted that last vlog I kicked back. Opened a can of beer and begun a little Twitter trawl. This was just after the conviction of Michael Johnson. A 23 year old who was convicted of exposing others to HIV. He did not declare his HIV positive status with any of his sexual partners and as a result received a life sentence. Now this is definitely not the place for a discussion on the criminalisation of HIV however it was something I wanted to pose to others. I consider myself a very central person when it comes to these sorts of debates. I want to see both sides of an argument and generally be a middle ground for both sides. I did something similar with my Pillars of Eternity vid from a few weeks back. So I followed it up in another corner of the web to see if maybe, just maybe a dialogue could form. What I did not suspect however was a barrage of insults.

I won't get into the details of what happened past this point. The worst thing anyone can do is to keep that going but I would like to just point out that anyone who has to rely on physical violence or derogatory language to get their point across is simply not worth bothering with. There are many videos and advice pieces online on how to deal with these people but implore you if people act in this manner report and ignore. Never feed. I've found that not having a stance is in someways like having one, and people will always twist the message as a way of feeling like they are the ones being attacked. It's genuinely quite fascinating to watch people bend what you say or to take certain sections of your argument and blow them out of proportion. This couldn't have come at a more perfect of moments as I was dealing with some other fallout on one of my vlogs. So that was a fun weekend.

From something negative to something positive, last week was the 6 month anniversary of my blog. And in the last few months I can't tell you how happy I am with the community of friends I've built since starting this page. The blog is growing rapidly and I am constantly surprised with the reception it has had. Some of you who visit have gone from strangers to acquaintances to close friends. I've become far more confident in myself and a lot more open. I've shared with you some of the most intimate parts of my life and even let you experience the soothing sounds of my voice. I've gone out and done things I would never have imagined and it's all down to you, the weekly reader who visits and shares what I have to say. I find that I want to experience new things and tell you about them. You are all in some way a part of my life now and in some ways this page has changed me for the better. I will continue to for as long as possible keep updating this blog and keep supporting you, the same way that you support me.

Now onto the juicy stuff !

So this weekend I went on my second night out as woman me. Out to the gorgeous city of Bristol for a night of dance, drink and...urm...something else beginning with a D...NO NOT THAT !

It was a night of firsts much like the last. This was the first time that I'd gone to somewhere unfamiliar as a woman. This was new ground for both male and female me so that was a tad scary. However I must praise the amazing people of Bristol for being both open and supportive. Not once was I treated as anything other than a woman. Nobody stopped to stare. Nobody made a comment (At least not to me) and I will definitely say that the city is far more supportive than I thought. That may not be the case for everyone but from my experience Bristol gets two thumbs up for being trans inclusive. 

But wait there's more !

I broke through two huge barriers this weekend. The first was..now wait for it...I finally got over my fear of the female toilets. After months of being scared (And a blog post justifying why I couldn't use them) I said to myself "You know, maybe I should just go and do it". And you know what? It was fine. It was great. It was exactly what I thought it would be like but for some reason had convinced myself otherwise. I was welcomed the same as any other woman who needed to at the end of the day use the loo. I've heard so many horror stories from others and it saddens me that bad things happen to us as a group on a daily basis but, hopefully this can be a little boost for people to do what makes them feel most comfortable. 

My second barrier is family related. Some of you know my situation when it comes to being openly trans. I am sort of but then there are others I like to keep it from right now. Being genderfluid means that I can in some way keep things away from others until I am good and ready but it does make things awfully awkward at times. This weekend however I finally broke through one of my fears and invited my brother along. I told him about my gender identity a while ago but as of this weekend hadn't seen so much as a picture. Instead of warning him and building it up I simply invited him along (Living in the area makes things easier for him) and then I was just there, take it or leave it. And I've never felt so happy in all my life. We didn't make a thing about it, we just had a couple of drinks like any brother and sister should. Oh god sister, that's a weird thing to say out loud. He took to the pronoun changes great though and never once felt the need to ask any awkward questions. We both got probably a bit to intoxicated for our own goods. Had the greatest hug of my life and then went our separate ways for the evening. 

I mentioned no less than a few lines ago that I found Bristol to be very trans inclusive. It isn't however totally free of people you just want to kick in the teeth. This is not a criticism of a city that I love dearly but of a much larger international problem, and that is the attention you may receive from the opposite gender. Namely the inability for guys to take no for an answer.

Let me explain.

I was approached by the same person on a number of different occasions while I danced, while I was at the bar and while outside. He was the typical sort. Loud, drunk and smelling of lager with a hint of Lynx Africa. The perfect gentlemen. Now I was perfectly polite the first 1000 times he approached me. But after being physically touched by this person I did loose it a little with him. It wasn't anywhere private, just my side. However it was still a thing I didn't want happening so you know I feel I was within my right to berate him a little. In the cold light of day the next morning, sipping a large coffee on the seated area outside a Wetherspoons (classy) I got to thinking. I thought about the times I've been out with other females and have had to put up with this sort of situation. I've been annoyed but now I can empathise in some way with what people have to put up with. It also got me thinking about myself physically.

To have someone be that determined, especially in a room full of other Women must have meant only a few things. Either he was just trying it with everyone, doing it for a laugh, or he genuinely found some aspect of me attractive. Ignoring the first and second option for now (Because I'm vain) leaves us with the third. Did he really find me in some way attractive? Was there something I did or was doing physically that made me so devilishly irresistible. What was that and why do I want to know so much?  Well it's because it made me feel more out of touch with my body than ever before. He may have genuinely thought I was physically female which yeah you still shouldn't be acting that way, but what if he found the notion of someone having quote unquote 'male stuff' going on underneath. "I can get on that but it's not gay because he likes to be a woman". He didn't say that, I'm just assuming because I'm horrible. But what I'm trying to get at is I could have been 'picked' by this person because of that one feature and it has really put me out of sorts. I guess we will never find out, he stopped at some point after I went and hid behind one of my friends. He was just not up for a fight with one of my besties for my hand it appears.

And there we go. We are all caught up on the events over the last fortnight. It's been quite eventful I must admit. I'll be back in a few days with even more tales of excitement but until then I'd just like to thank all of you for visiting my page and being super amazing people.

I love you all !

Charlotte 

Vlog: Transgender Discovery

My contribution to IDAHOT 2015.

I talk about the time in my life that I realised I was Trans.

If you have any questions of would like some advice leave a comment below or follow me on Twitter @Charlottewbuzz

Mad Max Fury Road : My Thoughts

My opinion and sort of spoiler free etc.

This wasn't originally part of the plan for this page. I was going to focus purely on Trans issues here, however I felt the need to discuss a movie that myself and others have been anticipating for a number of years. The fourth entry into the Mad Max world. So buckle up, load your double barrel and let's get mad !



For those of you not in the know Mad Max is a series of dystopian/post apocalyptic movies from the mind of director extraordinaire George Miller. The first three have rightfully earned their place as some of the greatest cult movies of all time with the second movie, Road Warrior often cited as the best. Now I would hesitate to say that the fourth movie was as good as Max 2 but I can honestly say it's a close second.

In this bizarre world our hero Max Rockatansky, played here by Tom Hardy has been imprisoned by the War Boys who serve under their ruler King Immortan Joe. Max is used as a blood donor for a sick member of Joe's army and this theme runs throughout the movie. If you have it, Joe will take it from you. From blood to milk if it's of any value it becomes his 'property'. We are given little time to acclimatise to the world as one of Joe's high ranking officers Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron) leads a daring coup against the leader. She smuggles Joe's most prized 'possession' out from under his nose. His Women. This takes the series to some unexpected places. Max takes a backseat in a lot of occasions to Furiosa and the other female characters. This does not however make this any less of a Mad Max movie because when the action ramps up he is right in the thick of it.

It's those action sequences that have been given particular care and attention. The movie could be argued is one long chase sequence with some small downtime in between the set pieces to add depth and gain a breath before the next. The use of sound, from the roaring engines spewing fuel into the wild landscape, to the incredible soundtrack is perfection itself. It's an onslaught on the ears in the best way possible. Millers direction is second to none, delivering some edge of the seat action sequences. The film starts on a 10 and by the end is firing on all cylinders however it never outstays it's welcome. George understands completely when to cease the action and let the characters speak and although the dialogue is rather sparse it is by no means throwaway. There is a belief among some that more dialogue = the deeper story but movies such as this prove that you can say just as much with the flick of a wrist as you can with a monologue. Behind the seemingly one note plot there's some topics to be explored. Both leads have dark pasts which haunt them and this permutes throughout the story. Redemption and survival ring out from start to finish in a film that on the outset looks like nothing more than a summer action movie. Miller never takes his audience for granted and if you are willing to dig just below the films surface there's a satisfying tale to be found.

Performances all round were spot on. Hardy had an uphill battle following in the footsteps of Mel Gibson's version but I'm delighted to report that both can stand side by side. Hardy never attempts to outshine the more cocksure Max of the past, instead delivering a more subdued performance which often looks awkward but never out of place. I found myself listening a lot more to what Max had to, or in a lot of cases didn't have to say. His movements and speech is definitely not for all but I found it him a joy to watch. Removing the heroic features of Max gave him a depth and realism that I did not expect and I'm glad it was there. Charlize however steals the show for me. This was a great pairing between both and definitely an inspired choice by Miller.

Mad Max is a gut punch for a genre that some may argue has become stagnant. In a world where ageing action heroes are carted out one last time to fight some undisclosed Eastern European country (I'm looking at you Expendables) here is a movie that manages to pull the same punches but still have time to deliver a grounded and ultimately human story. The plot doesn't fall over itself in a vain attempt to be clever, it instead uses a subtle mix of drama and balls to the wall action and delivers on every note. George has managed to pull off the impossible. He has gloriously brought back this 30+ year old franchise and never misses a beat. It's a brutal, non stop action ride which shows everyone else how it's done. The world most definitely, belongs to the mad !

Vlog : Bullying, Bandits and Bad Times

Triggers: Suicide, Self Harm, Bullying. This is a really difficult on this week, I talk about some really heavy stuff and hopefully do it justice. Let me know in the comments your thoughts etc etc etc

Selfierapy

Last week I mentioned briefly about some of the tactics I employ to cope with my struggles with gender identity. I spoke about using photography as a form of expression and some of the misconceptions surrounding why I use it. That discussion is in the past, what I do want to talk about however is how I started taking pictures, why I use photography as expression and how it has benefited me in the long run.

I've been a photographer for a number of years. Although I have mostly worked within moving image, particularly short films. I've found that I have a natural eye for taking pictures. As a result I've had a number of my photographs used in print from newspapers to magazines. I enjoy nothing more than getting up early with a camera, taking a lazy walk up to the hills surrounding my home and snapping away at what I find. It's a part of my life however I want to keep away from the blog for now. This has always been Charlie's place and anything that crosses the boundary between her and male me I prefer to not expose. What I am willing to expose though is my love for self photography.

Much like any introspective art form, self photography can be an amazing way to express your true feelings. The more of yourself you put into any project, the more alive it feels and you can't get much more yourself than physically being in the piece. I first started toying with the idea when I purchased a new DSLR a few years back. Having a rotating screen and wireless shutter control mean that I could control what happens in the image and with that I found that I really enjoyed creating pieces of myself.

It may sound incredibly vain but...well yeah it actually is. But vanity is not something in my opinion you should be ashamed of. My priorities are in the right place, my work means that usually I am the last person I think about on a day to day basis therefore taking the time out for me is incredibly relaxing. There is nothing wrong with being proud of who you are and this is just one way that I express that, and more importantly it's going to mean something in the long run.

I don't know one day to the next what will happen. Gender identity makes it so that I live more often than not in the now. I am spurred on in a lot of cases by impulse and that worries me. Will I still be me 5,10,20 years down the line? If I decide later on that I want to live full time female then there's a huge chunk of my life that's missing. I have already in my mind missed out on nearly 30 years of knowing who I really am and in some ways photography is helping that. It helps me track my progress, it's a reminder that however many years down the line Charlotte (I'm going to speak in third person a moment) was here, she is still here, she will always be a part of me and a few snaps taken now will be priceless in the future. I have no pictures of Charlotte with friends for example. 20+ years of her existence has been one of solitude and only now since being more open has she really found honest and true friends. Photography is a way for me to be normal. Some people write songs, create works of art or work selflessly for others, but for me having a physical snapshot of my life going forward is one of the ways that I feel me. In some ways it's a form of therapy.

This wasn't going to be a particularly long piece. I've got another bigger blog coming hopefully at the end of the week. I've sprinkled a few pics throughout the blog. Just to clarify these images have in some way been toyed with in Photoshop. That in no way means the intention of the images have been altered it's mostly some colour grading and brightness changes. If you want some really scary pictures of me all normal and meh then head over to my Twitter @Charlottewbuzz

'Passing' Judgement

Why not both?

The internet can be a fantastic place. Right now I can Google almost anything and find a result. It's allowed me to connect to all of my amazing readers and in some way become a part of your lives. I love sharing my work with you and being a photographer one of the things I like to do the most is create portraits of myself, sharing my style & philosophy of blending both of my genders. Something I've noticed however, especially from one particular group (which I won't name) is the need or the belief that what I wear or how I look has to be somehow graded. As if my conscious decision to look the way I do is not what others want me to look like and therefore is open for comment.

I don't really want to dwell on this all that much. It's only fair that if I create work it should be up for criticism and thankfully this is only an insignificant number compared to the huge amounts if praise I receive. But it always surrounds the same thing, what I could do in future to 'look more feminine'.


This isn't the first time I've written about a topic like this. Only a few weeks ago I spoke about someone telling me how to have a more "Feminine Smile" but I feel it's something I should discuss again.

For those of you who don't know I have begun to find a balance between my genders, a balance I've found through my work. I was for a short while a freelance photographer, helping out with newspapers and whatnot. Although I don't do anything in a professional capacity any more I still like creating pieces of work of myself. I have found tremendous amounts of therapy in tracking my progress visually & I've found joy talking to others about it. Some might consider it just a series of nice looking selfies but to me it expression. Photography and film is my art so being able to create a portfolio of who I am feels amazing. But time and time again it feels like some individuals think I need to essentially be 'one or the other'. Even if I'm Gender Fluid I should apparently commit to one style or the other. This simply isn't the case though. I don't feel 100% one way or the other and I love being able to express that, wearing clothes that are traditionally male and female at the same time. Not wearing much makeup and instead focusing on certain areas that make me personally feel at ease. I shouldn't have to wear nice pretty dresses and six inch thick makeup to express myself and really why would I want to? It seems that for some, if your sex and gender align then you can wear what you want.If your trans however you should encompass all of the stereotypical aspects of that gender. I should want to become a lovely princess, all pink and sparkles and doing otherwise is like I am not fully committing myself. Well no I'm actually quite the opposite and to grade my expression as anything other than what I intend is not beneficial to anybody. It only reinforces a belief that we have to subscribe to certain stereotypes depending on our gender.

What I'm really being told is how to 'pass' better as a woman. What I could do in order to trick you all into thinking, even for a split second that I am physically female. I should want to look so 'hyper woman' as I'm going to call it that I can slip undetected into the ranks, when really it's about inner expression rather than how I look. You only end up focusing on the negatives. Being told "Yeah it's ok but if you do this with your makeup, then you will look more like a girl" doesn't benefit anyone in the long run, least of all me. I know this sounds somewhat like I'm blocking criticism however small or inconsequential. Just remember that we aren't up for debate.

Plus what is our obsession with making sure we 'pass'? What I mean is why is it so important for others to tell me what their interpretation of womanhood is? Are they worried that being seen with me is somehow going to cause embarrassment and are they simply looking out for me? I would like to think the latter however I think it has more to do with this idea that people are allowed to critique the physical features of a trans person. That we are somehow trying to become our desired gender and aww bless are failing. A stereotype perpetuated by Television & Film where trans characters are often presented that way. Like we are baby deers, taking our first unsure steps into womanhood. Non matching clothes, shoes too small and makeup slap dashed on our face. Luckily for us we have our kind friends to tell us we look ridiculous and with a little help us poor ladies can end up as beautiful as them. That's frankly patronising and insulting to the trans community and the gender you are supposedly representing. If people seek advice then by all means give them the support they ask for. But don't just assume that our expression is open for critique.


So here's a picture of me I guess.....

Follow me on Twitter @Charlottewbuzz
Subscribe to me on Youtube