A whole lotta woman !

So I was sitting here earlier. Drinking a lovely decaf coffee while checking my emails and I came across one that has continued to puzzle me. It was a photo comment from another site. Now these usually go no further than "omg u look amazing" or something of that ilk, this one however was something I'd never seen before. Below I've attached the offending article and the comment.

Nice smile but relax more to show your fem side :)

This comment really isn't worth getting worked up about, someone was really just giving me a bit of harmless advice. But the more I think about it the more I wonder what does being more fem mean? How do I be more fem? And what does that have to do with me being happy?

I'm sure we all have our own biases as to what being Female is or isn't. I could ask a million people and we would all have a different answer in some way. Some would say it's a physical thing, others may cite more personality traits. To this writer it would appear that being Female is more of a physical outward thing, and smiling within a photograph (Albeit a highly exaggerated smile) isn't what it's all about.

But am I being really fair there? Am I judging her entire persona on a small 1 line comment left on a fairly innocuous image on a relatively small part of the web. Or is there more to this? Am I being judged on this persons belief that Women have to be super serious or worse..alluring? To be Fem do I have to now fill all my pictures with a come hither wink and a cheeky corner smile?

I'm sure that's not what this user wanted. They simply wanted to give me some pointers on how they think I could be more Female, but that's the thing. Being more Female. I've never tried to be more Female. I have no idea what that means and if someone asked me to try I wouldn't have any idea where to begin. I've had a number of emails and comments from other Women on the Trans spectrum who have asked me how they can quote unquote "Be more convincing" and I have no idea how to respond to that. There is no magic formula or 5 points to success, and really why how can there be? I can see that there is a stigma towards Trans Women looking like 'Men in Drag' and I know that one of the biggest hurdles we have to climb is the do I look good in the stuff I wear but when it's all said and done it doesn't matter. We should be allowed to do and act how we want. And if you feel that the person on the inside is the real you then does it matter how we look on the outside? If I feel that my Female Persona is an overly happy, bubbly individual then that's who I am. Nobody can ever take that away.

Perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones. I have so many Trans friends who look incredible and outdo me at every turn but then I wouldn't say I am bad at what I do (This is the point where you comment omg u look amazing). This could be down to me feeling more comfortable in what I wear and whatever side of the Gender spectrum I happen to be at any given time. I feel normal in my skin and because of this I don't need to really amplify any parts of my Female side. I dress rather plainly and I only use enough makeup to cover more of my masculine features. I guess that's what being more 'Fem' is to me. 

For context the picture was taken the night that I was going to show off Charlie to my friends for the very first time. This image to me represents both happiness and fear. Scared about what people would think but hopeful that it would bring in a new era  for myself. They say a picture tells a thousand worlds and it's clear that even a selfie can be the cause of some debate.

Who am I ?

I have killer hair though

Is something I've asked myself time and time again. As I get older and as I grow with new experiences I ask. What or Who am I? Do I already know? Does anybody know? Let's have a think.

Those of you who come to this blog know me in different ways. There are those who know me in IRL (In real life). They have their own opinions and biases based on their personal experiences around me and I would assume they read this with my voice. Then there are those who don't know me personally however we have had long and meaningful discussion on the nature of Gender, identity and what kind of top would go with a skirt. Then there are those who know me here in a more impersonal way. They read my posts. Follow the same blogs as me. Read my responses on forum posts. And they know me differently from others. This has got me thinking. Who knows the real me? Do I know the real me?

I thought about this when I was browsing a forum which catered to the 'Crossdresser' crowd. Now to some there is no difference between being Trans and being CD but others would argue there are differences. Despite calling myself Trans I love to experience the whole range of Gender Expressions however. I'm as interested in the 'Drag' culture as I am with those who identify solely as Female. But does this create a conflict of identity in different places, and does that then create assumptions about how far I'm 'willing' to go with my own expression?

I use the word Trans as an all encompassing term for the range of different emotions I feel. If I was to really think about it I would probably fall within the Gender Fluid camp. Gender Fluid (this is going to get complicated now) is someone who can or does identify with both of the traditional Male Female genders. It's true that some days I feel one way and then others I feel the complete opposite. Those feelings can last several hours to several months and the crossover period between both can be both traumatic and stressful. Even though this mental change from one to the other is quite quick that period is difficult. Now I am being horribly general here. I am simplifying a lot of these terms and feelings down into a 1000 word blog but I hope you kind of get the idea of what I go through. I can imagine some would find that having this 'dual gender' to be an issue, especially when you are in that crossover phase but I have found it incredibly liberating. I can be the person I want to be most of the time. I say most because it does come at moments you least expect and it's really not something I choose to switch on and off. And this is why I want to do something about it.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. How can you be both? Well the simple answer is I've never truly believed there is such thing as defined and clear Gender Identities regardless of which side of the fence you fall on. We all share these qualities and maybe mine is just stronger than others.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. Why do you call yourself a Woman when you don't always want to be one? Again the answer is I really don't know why. Even though I don't think there are these clear identities and I've found being fluid quite rewarding, I'm at a point in my life where I want to begin predominantly identifying as one or the other. And that Gender I've chosen (I think) is Female. I did write a long time back in this blog that I had no real intention in the near future to make these big changes there is nothing stopping me from still being physically who I am but still identifying as a Woman. Like actually there is nothing stopping me. Genuinely properly nothing.....at least for the near future. I'm still open to the idea of me making these big changes in my life if that meant me being happy. But remember I need to know it's the right decision before that happens.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. A Woman is this and that and the other. If your still physically Male then how are you Trans? Well this is quite complicated and it's not something we can really discuss in a blog of this nature. I want to write about the complicated field of gender identity but really I'm not even remotely qualified to talk about that stuff just yet. Perhaps someone from my readership can cast some light on it.

So back to that question. Who am I ? Well I am the person who writes this page. Identifies as Female and spends her time as a Woman. Whatever my outward, physical aspects say I want to be called and referred to under these Female terms. At the start of this page I said that you all know me differently, but in some way you all know me the same. You know me as Charlotte. The real me.

Perhaps this stolen quote in this needlessly edited picture of me puts it best.

Charlie xx

Leelah Alcorn.

By now I'm sure those of you who visit my blog may have read or have at least heard a little about the tragic death of Leelah Alcorn almost a week ago. A death that in this day an age should have been completely preventable. For all the banner waving and positive outcomes of 2014, this event shows that we have a long way to go.

Enough has already been said from others who are better educated and more in the know than myself. However I can't just stand back without helping to keep the spirit alive. I don't have much to say, there's nothing to say. I just hope that in some way I can help.

For those who may not know Leelah, a young Trans Woman had struggled with Gender Dysphoria from a young age. At 14 she had discovered  the word Transgender and took the brave move to come out to her family. The last Tumblr post she made mentioned certain members of her family had been extremely negative towards her decision to come out and she had even been sent to Conversion Therapy. A spiral of depression, perpetuated by individuals around her led her to a desperate end. On the night of December 28 2014, Leelah committed suicide. Her last Tumblr post acting as the suicide note.

Now this blog will not accuse or insight anger towards an individual or a community. I have never met those personally involved so who am I to criticise publicly. For the record though the fact that we have in this day and age things like conversion therapy treatments is despicable and those in charge should be ashamed. To force people to suicide because 'The bible tells you so' is a wicked act which should not be tolerated in today's society. I suggest everyone who reads this goes and checks out the Change.Org campaign to out law such practices.

Leelah wanted her death to be a statement. She wanted to spark a discussion about the way in which society treats and supports Transgender people. The key word there is society. Despite my vitriolic rant above what we need to do is change our society as a whole instead of focusing on the individuals who seek to ruin. We need to look at the bigger picture and a society which still perpetuates and supports Transphobic behavior. We need to educate whoever we can even in a small way that tolerance is above all else the most important trait we humans possess. To teach that negative terms destroy us all as a culture bit by bit. Leelah's will not die in vain. It's vital that we never forget her. That is the only way we can ensure that even in some way we can make good on her request.

I wasn't sure what I was going to say by this. I didn't want to create some bile filled post which insights anger or pain. We have all as a species suffered enough to last a lifetime. What I wanted to do was to just show we care. As a community we all care. I haven't said all that much here. But saying something is always better than saying nothing.

I didn't want to have the last word however. That honor goes to Leelah. Rest in Power sister !

"The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren't treated the way I was, they're treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say 'that's fucked up' and fix it. Fix society. Please.

Goodbye,

Leelah Alcorn 1997 - 2014

2015: A Preview

So here we are then, 2015. Two Thousand and Fifteen. Two Zero One Five. Dwy Mil a Pymteg (That's sort of Welsh). I'm back refreshed, recharged and ready to show this year who's boss. So taking inspiration from my Facebook friends I'm going to write a little bit about what I have planned this year, both personally and for the blog.

Despite the rather slapdash nature of my blog I am incredibly organised when it comes to my plans moving forward. I'm aware that you have to keep one eye on the future and this year is hopefully when most of my long term plans are going to come together. Above all the normal moving to a new home, making strides to improve in my career etc this is the year that I'm finally going to talk to someone about my Dysphoria in a professional capacity. I.E I'm going to chat with my GP. Now since writing this blog I've discovered a lot about myself and where I think I fit on the Gender Spectrum however it's about time I got the advice from someone who has perhaps seen this sort of thing before. I want to keep you all informed as I go on what's exactly going on there so that's probably going to be an ongoing segment.

Speaking of blog stuff. Although I was on a break from writing I've been building up connections and ties with Trans groups around the web. I want to start building on my Trans Talk Interviews and make that a key component of this blog. The first one was so successful it would be a shame to just do them once in a blue moon. I think I will put out a call for volunteers in the coming weeks and see what sticks. I've got a few events lined up too over the next year. I won't say what they are just yet, I know from past blogs that promising things is never the best idea. When they get closer though I will write the details on here. The hope is I can meet some of you amazing people and share our experiences here on this page. I guess the one I can talk about is Sparkle. A weekend of Trans celebration. With any luck I can do some press related things for the blog so if you are planning to attend and you see a brunette with dip died hair, sporting an Against Me! T-shirt, frantically writing stuff down onto a laptop then come say hello.

The real big plan I have is to incorporate my Film & Video knowledge into the blog. I have extensive film experience and I want to not only produce video content here but eventually shoot a Trans short film. I have a unique gift and it would be amazing to show that. Maybe it will go further and we can get a Transgender entourage to head out to Cannes or Sundance or somewhere. Obviously video content is tricky and time consuming so it's about creating a balance between written and video work. We can use 2015 as a barometer for that.

When will the first real blog of 2015 be published then? Well I'm putting the finishing touches onto one right now and that should be with you next week. Other than that I don't have a specific time and date for everything. It would be awesome if I had a dedicated schedule for things to create consistency but the type of work I do means that stuff can change at a moments notice.

Let's all look forward to 2015. 14 was such a pivotal year for Trans people all over the world and let's see if we can all build on that together.

Charlie xx

A Transgender Year In Review

It’s just a few short days until Christmas and with that in mind I've decided now is the right time to take a small 2 week holiday away from the computer. I've written two new posts but they won’t be going up until the New Year. So before I sign off and pig out on beers & turkey I wanted to just make a small year in review.

This blog is probably the hardest one I've written to date. I mean, how can I condense an entire year down into a small chunk? Instead of writing a linear month by month thing I’m going to ramble on incoherently for a 1000 words. No different than usual I guess. On with the show!

I’d decided back at the start of the year I was going to spend the next 12 months really searching for who I was. I’d spent so long not facing up to things it had really negative effects on my social and personal life. It was time to start being the person I always was. The aim has always been this year to finally come out as a Trans Woman and just let people accept me or not. If I am accepted then great, if people had a problem then why should I continue having a relationship with them? It’s been do or die this year and although I haven’t totally succeeded in my plan of coming out (there are still lots of people who need telling) I am finally in a position where I can move in that direction.

If I had to describe 2014 in one word it would be comfortable. For the first time in forever the pieces of the puzzle are beginning to slot together. I can finally look at myself in the mirror and say this is who I am. Why be afraid anymore? It’s not just being comfortable in my own skin, I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do and have landed myself a really great job. Despite the odd hours and the stress it brings I really wouldn't change what I do now for the world and am excited to see what the future holds.

One of the things I wanted to do this year was to dress as female me with friends and in public. Slowly at first, I didn't want to just throw this at them. But over time and several different occasions I finally plucked up the courage in early October to go full Charlie. I don’t think I've ever been so scared in my entire life but like I said above it was so natural and comfortable to be me it was quite a downer when it was all over. I've discovered that I find huge comfort in being Charlie. Of course I always am her. She is me. I am her blah blah but when you’re not expressing yourself the way you want to because you know gender norms etc it can be quite upsetting. After every public outing or event as Charlie I experienced tremendous days of sadness. Despite finding myself I feel more lost than ever. I’m going to call it Post Trans Blues for now and I might write a topic on it in the future.

This could have really crippled me emotionally however I've taken this feeling and run with it. For one I started this blog. In just over a month it’s grown into something much bigger than I first expected. I've had emails and discussions in person with other Tran’s men & women who relate to the things I post here. This was at first a way for me to vent my feelings but it’s evolving day by day into a really interesting page if I should say so myself. I've got a blog checklist as long as my arm right now so we won’t be starved for content going forward.

What will 2015 hold then? Other than more content I am hoping to take Charlie on the road. I have plans right now to do video content to really document my journey. I’m going to also be having my first conversation with a GP which will lead with any luck to an appointment with the Gender Identity Clinic, however judging by the waiting line I’ll be retired before I’m seen.

Before I sign off for the holidays I have a few thanks. First off, thank you to all my kind readers; you really are the inspiration behind what I’m doing here. Hopefully in the New Year with some support from you we can take this small patch on the internet and make it something truly important. Thank you to all my friends who in the last year have listened to me, let me open up and on some occasions been a shoulder for me to cry on. You are the bedrock of my journey and each and every one of you has been there for me in some way. I won’t name you all here right now but you know who you are! Thank you finally to my friends in the Trans community. The advice and support you give is second to none. I honestly love each end every single one of you.

Before I start to tear up again I've enough space left here to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. To my readers I hope to see you all in 2015. To my friends make sure you get me a nice pint when we are out and to my Trans friends I wish you all the happiness in the world. I can’t give you anything for this holiday season but I hope in some way this mess of a blog has brought you some comfort.

Merry Christmas

Charlie xxxxx

An intimate discussion about bathrooms

This is going to be a controversial one.

Since posting my blog about the night out I had a week ago, the one comment I've heard again and again concerns the restroom I chose to use. More specifically my decision to use the gents rather than the ladies. I didn't realise this was cause for such a debate. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to explore, why are we so fixated on this one aspect? Well let's find out.

To clarify my decision to use the gents was down to two main factors. One was my relative shyness towards using anything other than what I was used to. I want to take my transition from closet to outwardly trans as slowly as I can and this is just one small footnote at the end of my journey. Secondly I was with an all male group and I thought using the same restroom as them gave me extra support. If there were female members of the group I would have probably had a different outlook. We had one of my very good female friends with us at the start of the evening however she could not stay for long (I'm just adding that so she doesn't think I called her a man haha).

This decision has left some of my readers with questions. Why go through all that effort to go out as a Woman and not use a loo that I had every right to use being Trans. Some have suggested that by doing it I could have shattered the 'illusion' of being a woman. For the first point see my earlier statement but it's that second that I want to look at in greater detail.

First off what do they mean by illusion? Despite being trans I have no bones about who or what I have going on underneath. I can wear, act or be whoever I want but it doesn't change the fact that at that moment in time I'm still genetically male. This might sound like an admission of defeat, Trans men & women fight for the right to be treated the way they feel regardless of physical appearance and me saying well my body is male could be perceived as a little short sighted. I don't however see it that way. I think it gives me the opportunity to use both sides of my personality and to essentially mix my gender. Every single one of our brains are wired differently and I embrace my masculinity. To me it's not an illusion. I'm not trying to convince or trick people into thinking I am a woman. If I say I am a Woman then why do I have to then put on an act. To convince people? It's not up to them to judge. I say I am therefore you better make damn sure you think of me as a woman. Again my choice if bathroom is really my decision and doing so makes me no more or less of a woman. I think we are focused on general acceptance to such an extend that maybe we forget that there are still individuals in this community with different thoughts, feelings and strengths.

It's this train of though that could also be preventing me from making the leap into the ladies. Maybe it's a personal stigma or a childhood belief that men use the men's and women use the women's that stop me. The more I think about it the more I think this could be playing a role. Even though being Trans has given me a totally different view on gender there was 10+ years before this where traditional gender roles are taught. I'm also acutely aware as a recent active feminist that there could still be some way left to go before Trans Women are totally accepted within that space. I remember during my time at university a trans woman used the ladies restroom to conduct some less than noble activities. I'm not going to go into detail on what happened but this has made me realise that we are still a long way off. And that is completely fair at this moment in time.  I believe in baby steps with most social issues and this is one such occasion.

I've probably gone on way to long about my chosen location to wee so I'll leave it here for now. This blog is also a space for progression so before I go maybe I can offer some solutions. I've always been quite open to the possibility of a gender neutral bathroom or a space for those who make up what I'm going to call the third Gender. This too is obviously open for debate and it's not a totally perfect. We can use this area  to discuss so let me know in the comments how you feel about bars having a gender neutral restroom. Until then maybe I will venture into the ladies on my next night out and let you know how it went ! 

Charlie xx

Paint the town Trans

Since starting this blog there have been a number of firsts for me. This was the first time I’d spoken publicly about events during my teenage years. The first time I’ve taken an active interest at Gender equality and this week saw the first public outing of the Transgender me. Now I’m here to tell you the story.

Some of my closest friends have seen Charlotte in person and it was one of these occasions which kicked things off. We were discussing where to take my Trans discovery next, should I keep things low down for a while or should I strike while the iron is hot and let the world know. We had a night out planned and I mentioned briefly that maybe that’s where I should take Charlotte next. We had already planned to visit a big LGBT bar in the local area so to me it made perfect sense.

Initially I was quite worried about the possibility of going out in public. I didn’t want to throw too much attention on myself however the very nature of someone who’s genetically male in female clothing would attract some negative comments. Even an LGBT bar was in my eyes a minefield of abuse and worry. The bar is always home to Stag and Hen parties who come to see the Drag Queen performances and whatnot. I personally believe it’s an excuse to dance to Carly RaeJepson but I digress.

The most comfortable shoes I own !

I’d made the decision to dress down as much as possible. One of my biggest concerns is how I come across to others. Maybe it’s due to the events in my past or maybe it’s because I’m just incredibly vain but I really didn’t want to look out of place or uncomfortable in what I was wearing. As we were also visiting a Metal/Rock club after I was going to opt for my usual T-shirt and Jeans though with some persuasion I’d gone for a dress. I’m usually more of a top and skirt kind of person as I wasn’t convinced I could pull off the dress look. I decided to go for a basic grey and black number because you know I’m really adventurous.

The biggest pain was finding the right pair of shoes for the occasion. Not to fall into the stereotype but if you’re going to be standing up dancing for 7 hours you really do need to think about what you have on your feet, especially since it’s a 15 minute walk from one club to the next. I can walk and generally exist in heels just fine but that long time standing told me I had to think a bit sensibly about what I wore……and then I just went for some heeled shoes anyway. Enough about my clothes for now, you want to hear all the gory details of my actual night out don’t you!

Before catching our taxi we met at a local pub for food and a general natter before the soothing sounds of Slipknot and AC/DC destroyed our years. To me this part was the scariest, out in town I would be nothing more than a face in the crowd. But right there in a relatively quiet pub I could be the target of anyone’s comments. I took a deep breath, had a quick drag of a cigarette to calm my nerves and we went in.

Hotel selfie I guess

I don’t know what’s more amazing. The fact that barely anyone looked or that those who did were nothing but complimentary, those who have known me for a long time still have some difficulty in separating my Male and Female sides. Still opting to call me ‘He’ or my Male name (Which you know I’m SOOOO going to divulge on here). But to these normal pub goers I was nothing more than a Woman; ok a Trans Woman I wasn’t going to convince anyone for long. Even then people still called me by my Female name or used ‘She’ etc. It was honestly amazing. I guess to most being called ‘love’ or ‘darling’ isn’t something to phone home about and could even be perceived as a little sexist but right there in that moment it was exhilarating. I didn’t have to explain myself to people by saying you can call me this or that, it was instinctive. I think I perhaps give people too much stick and I instantly assume every man is going to think it’s weird but I found it to be the total opposite. Whether they said anything behind my back is another story but in that moment I was treated with nothing but respect and dignity.

Now I’m sure you are all excited to find out which restroom I used. Did I brave it and venture into the Chamber of Secrets (You know the Women’s) or do what comes naturally and frequent the pit of misery that is a Gents. Well I opted for the latter. I felt that at this stage I wasn’t prepared to make the big leap just yet, despite confusing a teenager who had come in with his father as I stood by the window doing my makeup. “Are we in the wrong one Dad?” “No, but isn’t life fascinating”.

The whole issue of which to use has sort of become a topic since that night. In the three or so bars we visited I used the Gents and each time I was told that if I wanted I was within my rights to use the Ladies. I obviously have some dignity and I used a cubicle. It’s just amazing to see perceptions are changing. They have changed to such an extend I had a 10 minute conversation with a fellow AC/DC fan while standing by a mirror why I chose the specific brand of Foundation I had.

The LGBT bar we visited was like a dream, people swarming around you to chat to you about various parts of your outfit and speaking ever so kindly about the ensemble I managed to throw together a few days before. After a few drinks (and that aforementioned Carly Rae Jepson dance) we moved onto our favourite Metal bar.

Laddered Tights = Sign of a good night

I felt right at home here. The fist bumps, hugs and support continued. Even more so than in the previous bar, I joined in with a group of lads to sing Tenacious D’s super delightful hit ‘Fuck her Gently’, mostly to annoy the smokers in the club opposite who found the idea of a bar full of people dressed in black rather amusing. I guess that was the only real ‘oppression’ I felt on that night. It came from other places. Only once I faced real negativity and if three drunken lads doing a small laugh at the man in a dress is negativity then I really feel for my fellow Trans Women who experience this sort of shit on a daily basis, and in a lot of cases they receive even worse. 

As we left at 4 in the morning back to our Taxi after dancing to the rather amazing Carry on Wayward son. The bond with my friends strengthened I started to wonder to think about many of my friends who are unfortunately in a position where they could never do what I had done. Those in oppressed locations, those who fear for their lives if they come out, those who fear the stigma and the potential abuse they may get. And to you I say it will get better. Hopefully one day we will be able to be who we are and express ourselves as the amazing, strong and powerful group that we most definitely are. My next goal is to socialise in the day as Charlotte. Let’s hope that experience goes as well as this.