Leading a double life

This post has gone through like 5 or so changes. Let's hope this is the last.

Before I continue just a little update. On the weekend I went to visit one of my oldest friends at her new pad in the big ol London. Not only is she a fantastic blogger (which you can read here) and a big help to this page, but also an amazing Trans Ally. I'd say bad influence as a joke but in all seriousness her advice is priceless. So before I continue with the rest of the blog I'd like to leave her a big thanks on the page like an idiot, and apologise for all the sexy guys & girls who will now flood her page. I.E you guys :) !

But back on topic....

I was browsing some forums this week and came across an interesting topic. The forum is mostly dedicated to those who identify as CD first though it's still an inclusive and supportive page for everyone on the Transgender spectrum. The post was focused on having a different personality/persona while dressed Female. And this got me thinking. Does being genetically Male but identifying as Female give me two personalities? 

When I was younger I thought that there were two different me's. As I didn't identify as Trans until around a year or two ago I did really think that Charlie was a separate person. Life was a constant struggle between the person I thought I was and the person I had inside of me. This unhealthy relationship between the two people fighting for attention caused me to be far more irrational and angry than I am now. It sounds a little convenient but I did definitely put on a harder nosed persona while in public. Although those who know me in real life would say I am not a traditionally masculine person, I would for a number of years try to take on these traits. Of course anyone who has spent time looking at the differences in the Sexes can tell you that these traits are not mutually exclusive to each but hey I was 16 years old . The only experience I'd had with the differences in Gender roles came from my fairly traditional background. It wasn't until well after University that both my persona's aligned and I realised that Charlotte isn't another person. Charlotte is me.

I used to talk about myself often in the third person. I believed that this gave both myself and others an opportunity to disassociate from the reality of the situation. If Charlotte was this other person for example, they could talk about her without embarrassment or awkwardness. This changed around 3 years ago when I realised that I was Trans. Genderfluid or otherwise I was just one person and that's when my 'alter ego' faded. However it was the overly aggressive macho Male persona that retreated. That really wasn't me, so why try to be two people?

Now, and here's the clever bit. This is where I link some of this back to my visit to London on the weekend. While speaking to my friend, doing my makeup (which you know I am quite excellent at these days) we talked about the importance of me being openly Female more often. She has on many occasions listened to an upset Charlotte being pulled between two Genders and her (my) desire to just be Female. And this is where she said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. 

"You should be you more often".

This could be one of the most important points someone has ever made to me, and one that may act as a turning point for my life going forward (Sorry Hun). Maybe I need to be just one me, even if that one me is currently two people. Or who knows maybe I am two people and I just don't know. 

While traveling back from London these words were stuck in my head. It could be about time I started to consider being just one person. I've often made light of the situation in front of others. I make comments about what could happen if I decided to just identify as Female. But maybe I should start asking these questions for real. I may not want to hear the answer when I find out who that is, however it could be just what I need.

P.S I can damn well rock a T-Shirt and Shorts combo.....

February is kind of important

I'm going to do one of those one year retrospective things now so watch out !

February is kind of important for me. February the 12th to be exact. Because that was the day I decided to stop living in denial and fear of who I was. To get out there and try to be the person that I am today. Without this day there wouldn't be this blog and without it I wouldn't have a new found respect and love for my closest friends. Yeah it's Feb 13th today so I'm a day off writing this post but shhh don't tell anyone.

I remember late 2012 when Laura Jane Grace, the incredible singer of Punk band Against Me! was featured in an article for Rolling Stone. In said article she laid her cards on the table and announced to the world she was Trans. There has always been an LGBT element in punk music, most notably the Queercore offshoot, however for the first time I felt a personal connection with a musician. It was as if Laura was speaking directly to me. I'd been a fan of her band for a number of years but my tastes veered off during University. This article felt like a reunion. Last time you spoke to me I knew you as Tom and now as Laura I feel even more connected. I'd always tried to keep both my Male and Female personas separate especially on social media, but after reading I did something I never have before. I posted the article on my personal Facebook page. This was for me the beginning of this whole journey. 

Things went a little quiet through 2013. Focusing more on my education again I let the words of LJG fade into memory. That was until Jan of 2014 when her band released the absolutely incredible Transgender Dysphoria Blues.

What can I say which hasn't already been said other than this is probably the most important album in my entire life. Even though it's been out for just over a year it's influenced and helped me more so than any other piece of music. The entire album is full of hard hitting songs which all in some way speak to me personally. Much like the article it felt like the band had written an entire album just for me. I don't know how many times the album repeated in my Spotify until I finally bought a copy for myself on February the 12th. I could finally take the album wherever I went and it was then that I realised I'd been running from myself.

I was on a bus coming home from work when my iPod shuffled to in my opinion the best song on the album 'fuckmylife666'. "Edgy" name aside it really did for me encapsulate all the frustrations I'd felt being Trans. The album had a definite ark and this was the point where I was in my own life. I got off the bus and walked for a while. I felt it was time to change things in my life. And that's when I decided to not run any more (Not physically I haven't run in years :P) and face up to who I am. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks Laura. You have helped me tackle my own insecurities and have made me proud to be the person I am. You have mentioned in a number of articles you don't like being called a role model and the like but to me your words are the cornerstone of my new Trans life. Charlotte 2.0 or something if you will. You will probably never read this (Unless I spam your Twitter page which I'm SO GOING TO DO) but thanks for everything. 

One year on so much has changed. I have come out to so many people and I'm beginning to understand more about myself. This blog is just one part of that, by writing my life here I hope to inspire and to make sense of everything. 

On another note I managed to see Against Me! during their November tour of the U.K. I've seen some bands in my time but nobody can rock as hard as you ! Even if you stood on my head at one point.

Here we are again

Some of you may be aware of the recent news surrounding the murder of Trans Woman Yazmin Payne. She was found stabbed to death when Firefighters responded to an apartment fire in the Van Nuys area of Los Angeles. The murder of anyone Trans or otherwise is a tragedy, what makes this worse is it's another number in an increasingly growing statistic. A statistic which has seen three Trans Women of colour killed in the last month alone.

This isn't the first time in recent weeks that I've had to write about a similar tragedy and it feels like we can't go a week without finding a news article about some form of Transphobia. This really isn't the place for me to comment on how or why this happens nor do I know the answers, I'm going to try however. 

When any minority begins to gain any sort of awareness negativity is sure to follow, and as a group we have had to suffer a significant amount. This isn't oppression Olympics obviously but the fact that people are being targeted SPECIFICALLY because of their Gender is seriously messed up. 2014 on the whole was a time of great celebration for us as a community. It was still book-ended by tragic events however for the first time it felt like we were winning. 2015 I'm not so sure.

I shouldn't even have to write this. How is being Trans a negative? Why does being Trans warrant abuse and violence? We hurt no one yet there's still a belief we can be tormented. 

Trans Men & Women have to face abuse and ridicule on a daily basis. We are just Men in Dresses. Freaks who find some sort of thrill from dressing up as a girl. Less than human and open to beatings, bullying and murder. 

This attitude is not only abhorrent but factually untrue. Regardless of the reasons for being who we are it does not give anyone an excuse to act out their violent fantasies upon us.

The world is a dangerous place. It's especially dangerous when you can't help but be the person who you are. We are hurt for who we are. For being Women, for being Men. For being Human.

HRC (Human Rights Campaign) are working alongside the Trans People of Colour Collective with the hope of spreading awareness and support for the community. They released a report outlining some of the areas where we are being failed and are calling for action to be taken. Link here. This will hopefully prove worthwhile and it will ensure that the memories of these Men & Women won't be forgotten.

What can we do as then to raise awareness? Well just be an ally. Raise awareness of the issues facing the Trans community. March alongside us hand in hand. Be brave. Be a friend.

I'm not sure what I really wanted to say by this piece. Unlike most of my other essay type blogs I've not had a few weeks to plan and it could come off as a little rushed. But with any luck someone who isn't aware of recent events will read this and look into what's been going on. Every little helps, even if that help is coming from a slightly irate part time girl.

If you want to look into any of the issues raised in more detail then I suggest starting with the Human Rights Campaign page. Link Here. Let's turn 2015 into a positive one !

A whole lotta woman !

So I was sitting here earlier. Drinking a lovely decaf coffee while checking my emails and I came across one that has continued to puzzle me. It was a photo comment from another site. Now these usually go no further than "omg u look amazing" or something of that ilk, this one however was something I'd never seen before. Below I've attached the offending article and the comment.

Nice smile but relax more to show your fem side :)

This comment really isn't worth getting worked up about, someone was really just giving me a bit of harmless advice. But the more I think about it the more I wonder what does being more fem mean? How do I be more fem? And what does that have to do with me being happy?

I'm sure we all have our own biases as to what being Female is or isn't. I could ask a million people and we would all have a different answer in some way. Some would say it's a physical thing, others may cite more personality traits. To this writer it would appear that being Female is more of a physical outward thing, and smiling within a photograph (Albeit a highly exaggerated smile) isn't what it's all about.

But am I being really fair there? Am I judging her entire persona on a small 1 line comment left on a fairly innocuous image on a relatively small part of the web. Or is there more to this? Am I being judged on this persons belief that Women have to be super serious or worse..alluring? To be Fem do I have to now fill all my pictures with a come hither wink and a cheeky corner smile?

I'm sure that's not what this user wanted. They simply wanted to give me some pointers on how they think I could be more Female, but that's the thing. Being more Female. I've never tried to be more Female. I have no idea what that means and if someone asked me to try I wouldn't have any idea where to begin. I've had a number of emails and comments from other Women on the Trans spectrum who have asked me how they can quote unquote "Be more convincing" and I have no idea how to respond to that. There is no magic formula or 5 points to success, and really why how can there be? I can see that there is a stigma towards Trans Women looking like 'Men in Drag' and I know that one of the biggest hurdles we have to climb is the do I look good in the stuff I wear but when it's all said and done it doesn't matter. We should be allowed to do and act how we want. And if you feel that the person on the inside is the real you then does it matter how we look on the outside? If I feel that my Female Persona is an overly happy, bubbly individual then that's who I am. Nobody can ever take that away.

Perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones. I have so many Trans friends who look incredible and outdo me at every turn but then I wouldn't say I am bad at what I do (This is the point where you comment omg u look amazing). This could be down to me feeling more comfortable in what I wear and whatever side of the Gender spectrum I happen to be at any given time. I feel normal in my skin and because of this I don't need to really amplify any parts of my Female side. I dress rather plainly and I only use enough makeup to cover more of my masculine features. I guess that's what being more 'Fem' is to me. 

For context the picture was taken the night that I was going to show off Charlie to my friends for the very first time. This image to me represents both happiness and fear. Scared about what people would think but hopeful that it would bring in a new era  for myself. They say a picture tells a thousand worlds and it's clear that even a selfie can be the cause of some debate.

Who am I ?

I have killer hair though

Is something I've asked myself time and time again. As I get older and as I grow with new experiences I ask. What or Who am I? Do I already know? Does anybody know? Let's have a think.

Those of you who come to this blog know me in different ways. There are those who know me in IRL (In real life). They have their own opinions and biases based on their personal experiences around me and I would assume they read this with my voice. Then there are those who don't know me personally however we have had long and meaningful discussion on the nature of Gender, identity and what kind of top would go with a skirt. Then there are those who know me here in a more impersonal way. They read my posts. Follow the same blogs as me. Read my responses on forum posts. And they know me differently from others. This has got me thinking. Who knows the real me? Do I know the real me?

I thought about this when I was browsing a forum which catered to the 'Crossdresser' crowd. Now to some there is no difference between being Trans and being CD but others would argue there are differences. Despite calling myself Trans I love to experience the whole range of Gender Expressions however. I'm as interested in the 'Drag' culture as I am with those who identify solely as Female. But does this create a conflict of identity in different places, and does that then create assumptions about how far I'm 'willing' to go with my own expression?

I use the word Trans as an all encompassing term for the range of different emotions I feel. If I was to really think about it I would probably fall within the Gender Fluid camp. Gender Fluid (this is going to get complicated now) is someone who can or does identify with both of the traditional Male Female genders. It's true that some days I feel one way and then others I feel the complete opposite. Those feelings can last several hours to several months and the crossover period between both can be both traumatic and stressful. Even though this mental change from one to the other is quite quick that period is difficult. Now I am being horribly general here. I am simplifying a lot of these terms and feelings down into a 1000 word blog but I hope you kind of get the idea of what I go through. I can imagine some would find that having this 'dual gender' to be an issue, especially when you are in that crossover phase but I have found it incredibly liberating. I can be the person I want to be most of the time. I say most because it does come at moments you least expect and it's really not something I choose to switch on and off. And this is why I want to do something about it.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. How can you be both? Well the simple answer is I've never truly believed there is such thing as defined and clear Gender Identities regardless of which side of the fence you fall on. We all share these qualities and maybe mine is just stronger than others.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. Why do you call yourself a Woman when you don't always want to be one? Again the answer is I really don't know why. Even though I don't think there are these clear identities and I've found being fluid quite rewarding, I'm at a point in my life where I want to begin predominantly identifying as one or the other. And that Gender I've chosen (I think) is Female. I did write a long time back in this blog that I had no real intention in the near future to make these big changes there is nothing stopping me from still being physically who I am but still identifying as a Woman. Like actually there is nothing stopping me. Genuinely properly nothing.....at least for the near future. I'm still open to the idea of me making these big changes in my life if that meant me being happy. But remember I need to know it's the right decision before that happens.

BUT CHARLOTTE I hear you say. A Woman is this and that and the other. If your still physically Male then how are you Trans? Well this is quite complicated and it's not something we can really discuss in a blog of this nature. I want to write about the complicated field of gender identity but really I'm not even remotely qualified to talk about that stuff just yet. Perhaps someone from my readership can cast some light on it.

So back to that question. Who am I ? Well I am the person who writes this page. Identifies as Female and spends her time as a Woman. Whatever my outward, physical aspects say I want to be called and referred to under these Female terms. At the start of this page I said that you all know me differently, but in some way you all know me the same. You know me as Charlotte. The real me.

Perhaps this stolen quote in this needlessly edited picture of me puts it best.

Charlie xx

Leelah Alcorn.

By now I'm sure those of you who visit my blog may have read or have at least heard a little about the tragic death of Leelah Alcorn almost a week ago. A death that in this day an age should have been completely preventable. For all the banner waving and positive outcomes of 2014, this event shows that we have a long way to go.

Enough has already been said from others who are better educated and more in the know than myself. However I can't just stand back without helping to keep the spirit alive. I don't have much to say, there's nothing to say. I just hope that in some way I can help.

For those who may not know Leelah, a young Trans Woman had struggled with Gender Dysphoria from a young age. At 14 she had discovered  the word Transgender and took the brave move to come out to her family. The last Tumblr post she made mentioned certain members of her family had been extremely negative towards her decision to come out and she had even been sent to Conversion Therapy. A spiral of depression, perpetuated by individuals around her led her to a desperate end. On the night of December 28 2014, Leelah committed suicide. Her last Tumblr post acting as the suicide note.

Now this blog will not accuse or insight anger towards an individual or a community. I have never met those personally involved so who am I to criticise publicly. For the record though the fact that we have in this day and age things like conversion therapy treatments is despicable and those in charge should be ashamed. To force people to suicide because 'The bible tells you so' is a wicked act which should not be tolerated in today's society. I suggest everyone who reads this goes and checks out the Change.Org campaign to out law such practices.

Leelah wanted her death to be a statement. She wanted to spark a discussion about the way in which society treats and supports Transgender people. The key word there is society. Despite my vitriolic rant above what we need to do is change our society as a whole instead of focusing on the individuals who seek to ruin. We need to look at the bigger picture and a society which still perpetuates and supports Transphobic behavior. We need to educate whoever we can even in a small way that tolerance is above all else the most important trait we humans possess. To teach that negative terms destroy us all as a culture bit by bit. Leelah's will not die in vain. It's vital that we never forget her. That is the only way we can ensure that even in some way we can make good on her request.

I wasn't sure what I was going to say by this. I didn't want to create some bile filled post which insights anger or pain. We have all as a species suffered enough to last a lifetime. What I wanted to do was to just show we care. As a community we all care. I haven't said all that much here. But saying something is always better than saying nothing.

I didn't want to have the last word however. That honor goes to Leelah. Rest in Power sister !

"The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren't treated the way I was, they're treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say 'that's fucked up' and fix it. Fix society. Please.

Goodbye,

Leelah Alcorn 1997 - 2014

2015: A Preview

So here we are then, 2015. Two Thousand and Fifteen. Two Zero One Five. Dwy Mil a Pymteg (That's sort of Welsh). I'm back refreshed, recharged and ready to show this year who's boss. So taking inspiration from my Facebook friends I'm going to write a little bit about what I have planned this year, both personally and for the blog.

Despite the rather slapdash nature of my blog I am incredibly organised when it comes to my plans moving forward. I'm aware that you have to keep one eye on the future and this year is hopefully when most of my long term plans are going to come together. Above all the normal moving to a new home, making strides to improve in my career etc this is the year that I'm finally going to talk to someone about my Dysphoria in a professional capacity. I.E I'm going to chat with my GP. Now since writing this blog I've discovered a lot about myself and where I think I fit on the Gender Spectrum however it's about time I got the advice from someone who has perhaps seen this sort of thing before. I want to keep you all informed as I go on what's exactly going on there so that's probably going to be an ongoing segment.

Speaking of blog stuff. Although I was on a break from writing I've been building up connections and ties with Trans groups around the web. I want to start building on my Trans Talk Interviews and make that a key component of this blog. The first one was so successful it would be a shame to just do them once in a blue moon. I think I will put out a call for volunteers in the coming weeks and see what sticks. I've got a few events lined up too over the next year. I won't say what they are just yet, I know from past blogs that promising things is never the best idea. When they get closer though I will write the details on here. The hope is I can meet some of you amazing people and share our experiences here on this page. I guess the one I can talk about is Sparkle. A weekend of Trans celebration. With any luck I can do some press related things for the blog so if you are planning to attend and you see a brunette with dip died hair, sporting an Against Me! T-shirt, frantically writing stuff down onto a laptop then come say hello.

The real big plan I have is to incorporate my Film & Video knowledge into the blog. I have extensive film experience and I want to not only produce video content here but eventually shoot a Trans short film. I have a unique gift and it would be amazing to show that. Maybe it will go further and we can get a Transgender entourage to head out to Cannes or Sundance or somewhere. Obviously video content is tricky and time consuming so it's about creating a balance between written and video work. We can use 2015 as a barometer for that.

When will the first real blog of 2015 be published then? Well I'm putting the finishing touches onto one right now and that should be with you next week. Other than that I don't have a specific time and date for everything. It would be awesome if I had a dedicated schedule for things to create consistency but the type of work I do means that stuff can change at a moments notice.

Let's all look forward to 2015. 14 was such a pivotal year for Trans people all over the world and let's see if we can all build on that together.

Charlie xx